Fitter, Happier

Dear Diary, This morning, once the caffeine had kicked in to the point where I was losing peripheral vision and my legs wouldn’t stop moving, I sat back at my desk and observed my surroundings. I slouched down in my chair, put my feet up, and just looked around for 20 minutes or so. Specifically, I was wondering what my ...

Steel-toed

To The D.C. Police: I learned something exciting and new while visiting our nation’s capitol this past week. I have steel-toed shoes. I was not aware of this feature when I bought them, but I will be sure to be more liberal with my ass-kickings in the future, now that I know. I discovered this fact while passing through metal ...

Land of 10,000 Malls

Dear Southerners, It has come to my attention recently that there is widespread misunderstanding about my home city. On several occasions, I’ve had a conversation very similar to the following: Southerner: “Where ya’ll from?” Me: “Minneapolis.” Southerner: “Oh, that’s where they have that big mall!” Now, I know the Mall of America is well-publicized and acknowledged. However, there’s something I ...

Stop Pay Toll

Dear Illinois Highway Department, I’d say that $.55 is a fair enough price to get the hell out of Rockford. Sincerely, Jenni