Unarmed

Dear Mr. Bunyan: I’ve heard that they’ve made great advances in prosthetics in recent years. Here’s wishing you a speedy recovery. Sincerely, Jenni

Cheesy

Dear Pulitzer Committee: I would like to submit a piece from an author who may likely be the most important new poet of the 21st century. While her milieu may be limited, she is able to muse upon any dairy product with eloquence and style. Please consider the following for your esteemed award. feta by stephanie ripleyoh joy! sweet, sweet ...

Wasteful

Dear Public Health Department: This last Friday, we were touring our fair state in search of amusement. Having awoken far too early in the morning due to an unpleasant incident involving a cat and a bug, we had consumed copious amounts of coffee, and were forced to stop far more often than usual to visit the facilities. Now, as a ...

Hollywood Ending

Dear Qwest, One day, I’m going to find myself in a horror movie. You know, the one in which the crazed murderer is lurking outside my house, cutting the phone lines so I can’t call for help before he brutally slays me in the shower. Luckily, I’m prepared. Because I hate you with such passionate intensity, I cancelled my phone ...