chocolate mussolini

To The D.C. Police: I learned something exciting and new while visiting our nation’s capitol this past week. I have steel-toed shoes. I was not aware of this feature when I bought them, but I will be sure to be more liberal with my ass-kickings in the future, now that I know. I discovered this fact while passing through metal ...

Dear Southerners, It has come to my attention recently that there is widespread misunderstanding about my home city. On several occasions, I’ve had a conversation very similar to the following: Southerner: “Where ya’ll from?” Me: “Minneapolis.” Southerner: “Oh, that’s where they have that big mall!” Now, I know the Mall of America is well-publicized and acknowledged. However, there’s something I ...

Dear Mr. Rogers, You don’t know me, but I know you. In fact, I feel that we share a certain uncomfortable intimacy, like coworkers who see each other at work the day after drunkenly making out at a party. You know what I mean. When I was a kid, probably pre-school age or earlier, my mom used to make me ...