Evil Empire

Dear Best Buy,

I blame you.

Not because you’re a crappy store, which you are, don’t get me wrong. Whenever I feel the need to be overcharged for second-rate electronics while receiving poor service from an unenthused teenage boy in a wrinkly blue polo shirt, your establishment is the first that comes to mind.

No, I blame you because you have disrupted my life in many small but bothersome ways. See, you’re building your new headquarters uncomfortably close to my house. Two miles, to be exact, inconveniently located directly between my home and work. Through some convoluted plot likely involving big payoffs and corporate arm-twisting, you’ve managed to engage the transportation department in a full-scale redesign of the Twin Cities’ highway system. Apparently, you’ve convinced them to remove the non-essential features, such as extra lanes and bridges. Every week, I’m forced to learn a new traffic pattern as I wind my way through the obstacle course that used to be my neighborhood. I’ve so far managed to successfully avoid the Edina police, who have become lazy to the point that they now set up folding chairs hidden in the bushes and sit there with their radar guns, picking off unsuspecting victims like bears at the salmon run.

I blame you for displacing a whole community of people and knocking down their homes, in order to replace them with an infinitely uglier corporate campus. You know, the architect was really not the place to cut costs. As far as I can tell, you had one of your own engineers design the buildings, since they seem to be taken from the design specs for Jawa sandcrawlers. They look like an armada of decommissioned cruise ships from the 70’s that ran up on the shores of I-494. “The Love Boat” you are not.

I blame you for the fact that I’m late to work every single day. This is a lie, but since I’m assigning guilt, I figured I’d throw that one in as well. I blame you for the fact that my local Starbucks will soon be overrun with corporate geeks with cars nicer than my own, who still can’t figure out how to use an iron. While I’m at it, I blame you for global warming, overpopulation, and the state of the economy.

You bastards.


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