Wasteful

Dear Public Health Department: This last Friday, we were touring our fair state in search of amusement. Having awoken far too early in the morning due to an unpleasant incident involving a cat and a bug, we had consumed copious amounts of coffee, and were forced to stop far more often than usual to visit the facilities. Now, as a ...

Hollywood Ending

Dear Qwest, One day, I’m going to find myself in a horror movie. You know, the one in which the crazed murderer is lurking outside my house, cutting the phone lines so I can’t call for help before he brutally slays me in the shower. Luckily, I’m prepared. Because I hate you with such passionate intensity, I cancelled my phone ...

Workers of the World

Dear Mr. Marx: What is the income limit for the proletariat? Just kidding. I’m sure that’s one of those “if you have to ask” questions. Forget class consciousness and controlling the means of production. It’s simpler than that. Does the proletarian spend more on internet connectivity than she does on clothing? Does she drive with the air conditioning on and ...

Evil Empire

Dear Best Buy, I blame you. Not because you’re a crappy store, which you are, don’t get me wrong. Whenever I feel the need to be overcharged for second-rate electronics while receiving poor service from an unenthused teenage boy in a wrinkly blue polo shirt, your establishment is the first that comes to mind. No, I blame you because you ...