Workers of the World

Dear Mr. Marx: What is the income limit for the proletariat? Just kidding. I’m sure that’s one of those “if you have to ask” questions. Forget class consciousness and controlling the means of production. It’s simpler than that. Does the proletarian spend more on internet connectivity than she does on clothing? Does she drive with the air conditioning on and ...

Evil Empire

Dear Best Buy, I blame you. Not because you’re a crappy store, which you are, don’t get me wrong. Whenever I feel the need to be overcharged for second-rate electronics while receiving poor service from an unenthused teenage boy in a wrinkly blue polo shirt, your establishment is the first that comes to mind. No, I blame you because you ...

Bloodletting

Dear Park Dental, I’m a survivor, no thanks to you. I wasn’t aware that a human being could lose that much blood and still be able to walk out of your office under their own power. Plasma Alliance would have paid me $20 a pint, so I estimate you owe me 40 or 50 bucks, at least. I’ll be watching ...

Caffeinated

Dear Starbucks, People make fun of you. They say you’re substandard, the McDonald’s of coffee. Or the Wal-Mart, more accurately. I don’t care. I like you anyway. See, when I go to Starbucks, whether I’m at home or on the road, I know exactly what I’m getting. The coffee always tastes the same. The baristas are uniformly snotty. I get ...