I Quit

To My Current Employer: Please accept my resignation as of today. I have decided to start my own business selling t-shirts on cafepress.com. At a profit of $1 a shirt, I only have to sell about a billion of them before I rival Bill Gates’ wealth and business savvy. I’ve already got him beat when it comes to panache. Sincerely, ...

The End is Near

Dear Future, As you know, I turned 29 today. I spent my birthday in a cheap hotel in Sturgis, South Dakota. It’s really not as bad as it sounds. Since I’m rapidly approaching a major birthday milestone, the point at which it’s common to question, reevaluate, and possibly panic, I have just one request for the next year: Go easy ...

Dear Penthouse Forum

Dear Penthouse Forum, I never thought your letters were real until something happened to me that I just had to share. I was at the grocery store last night, nursing a deep craving for velveeta and tabouleh. I was standing impatiently in line at the register, paging through “O”. Suddenly, I felt eyes on my body. I looked up and ...

Boobies!!

Dear Dad, Well, this explains a hell of a lot. Oh, and, uh… nice pants. Love, Jenni