Something something

Hey. I love you. No, wait! Come back! Seriously, it’s one of those days. All you freaks who I encounter on a regular basis on the streets of this fair city, I love you. If you’re funny-lookin’, eccentric, or even just a little unbalanced, you’re my kinda folk. If you catch me staring and smiling, it’s out of affection. For ...

Go Tits!

To my coworkers: I don’t usually encounter many of you on the way into the office in the morning, but today I came in at just the right time, as a couple big meetings adjourned. As I passed and greeted several of you in the hallway and kitchen, I quickly became aware of an unplanned competition: in the eye contact ...

Third Shift

To My Employer: I have decided that from now on I will only be coming into the office late at night. Not only do I get a hell of a lot more work done, I actually enjoy my time spent here. Granted, when I came in at 9pm on this fine Saturday evening, my office was 85 degrees. I’m a ...

The Shakes

Dear Internet: You are here to bear witness to the depraved depths of addiction. Physically, I don’t have that many bad habits. Emotionally, I could provide you enough material to complete your neglected PhD thesis, but let’s not talk about that. I eat well most of the time, I know a ton about nutrition, I exercise a lot, and I ...