las vegas: february 24-25, 2012

Posted in las vegas #7 on April 17th, 2012 by jenni | No Comments »
Tags: gambling, nevada, vegas

Friday afternoon, I picked Wendy up from work and we drove to our house to meet Matt and Amelia. We headed to the airport, parked in the long-term parking (it’s kind of funny any time airport parking is cheaper than cab rides, but for a weekend trip that’s definitely the case), and went to get in line at security. The line was pretty long, but we jumped in the experienced traveler lane and headed right to the front behind only four or five other people.

While we were standing there waiting, a lady loudly demanded to know why this group of people got to jump right to the front of the line. The TSA agent explained the rules in a defeated way, making sure to mention a few times that it was “self-selected”. For some reason this seemed to set her off even more, even though she clearly could have chosen the lane herself. Plus we were all in compliance, with our small carry-ons and shoes and plastic toiletry bags at the ready. We stood there laughing amongst ourselves as she threw a fit to anyone who would listen, and finally got past the agent and to the scanners. And for the first time ever, I didn’t get the pat-down after my body scan!

We went to grab food for the plane, then met up with Wendy, Amelia, Jumi and Josh at the extremely crowded gate. For the first time, Matt and I got to take advantage of my reclaimed Delta elite status and board the airplane early. We had economy comfort seats in the front, and the difference was kind of amazing. The seats are larger, and there’s much more leg room. Having access to those is a pretty excellent benefit.

Matt and I decided to celebrate, since we were heading to Vegas for his birthday. I’m very classy, obviously:

We arrived in Vegas 40 minutes early, got the bus to the rental car center, and headed off to find our super-sexy minivan. It took us forever to find it in the lot, and then Josh spent what felt like an hour taking photos in case of insurance claims. I was dying sitting in the parking lot way too far away from the Strip. Finally we headed out, and drove up the Strip to the Flamingo, our hotel. There may have been some yelling out the windows along the way.

We stopped at Sin City Brewing on the way to the front desk, because we’d been in Vegas for close to an hour and hadn’t had a drink yet. We ended up with individual pitchers of beer, which solved the not-having-a-drink problem but quick. We passed by the huge line at check-in and went to the automated kiosks instead. They even let us pick our own rooms! We all headed upstairs, with plans to meet again shortly.

We’d all booked the Go rooms at the Flamingo, since Matt and I loved them so much last time. (Not just because the bathroom mirrors have TVs in them, but it’s a plus.) We dropped off our stuff, finished our beer pitchers, and met up in the lobby to go back to the car. We piled in, and Josh got on the freeway to downtown Las Vegas.

We parked and headed off in the general direction of the Plaza, which we’d never been to before. There was the typical Fremont Street Entertainment along the way, including sexy saxophone man playing on a truck:

There was also a shot stand, of course.

We got to the Plaza and headed to Hash House a Go Go. I’d heard that it was awesome, but had no idea that all of their food arrives in portions of this quantity. Holy crap, everything was gigantic and awesome.

After dinner, we wandered back down Fremont in search of some gambling. We stopped into a tiny casino just to get Mardi Gras beads, then decided on Binion’s. Matt and I found a blackjack table, and everyone else wandered off for other forms of betting.

We had a really entertaining Italian dealer, and for most of the time it was just the two of us at the table. That session resulted in one of the scariest bets I’ve made yet: I split a pair of threes, and was dealt an 8 and another three. I doubled on the one and re-split the other, and ended up with $60 on the table. The dealer busted. WHEW.

Matt and I had wanted to visit the Downtown Cocktail Lounge, so we notified our friends of the plan and headed down toward the other end of Fremont. There were people ziplining above us (that was new since our last visit), and the Fremont Street Experience was showing giant QR codes in the sky. We got a table at the cocktail lounge and ordered drinks. It was particularly exciting, because Vegas has not been known as a mecca of good cocktails until really recently. This was our kind of place.

Josh, Jumi, Wendy and Amelia arrived a bit later, and we found it hilarious watching them try to open the door of the bar and fail (the handle is hidden). We had another round of drinks there, then headed back to the hotel for the night.

Saturday morning, we met Wendy and Amelia and walked down to Paris for our usual brunch of French rolls, fruit, and cheese at JJ’s Boulangerie. We then went to the gigantic slot machine at Bally’s to lose $1 apiece, then decided to go wander around Planet Hollywood for a while. We walked through the mall, made the required stop at ABC Stores, then went into the casino to see if there were any good tables open. There weren’t, so we went to get drinks at the bar instead. Amelia had gone to play slot machines, so we searched for her for a long time, and finally found her in the back.

We set a time to go meet Jumi and Josh (who were apparently at the Las Vegas swap meet that morning), then stopped to get Amelia a drink at Sammy Hagar’s bar before walking over to Bill’s to check on the tables there. Matt went to go get himself a birthday scotch while I found a Pai Gow table, and convinced Wendy to try it out (thus beginning a long obsession). Amelia went to find a slot machine. I was doing well after a while, so I went to cash out while I was up. Then it became time to go get our ride, so we gathered everyone and went to find the van waiting at the Flamingo.

We met Josh and Jumi and headed back downtown for our tour of the Neon Boneyard. It’s something I’ve wanted to do since I heard about it a few years ago. We parked, and along the way found somebody’s manifesto on a lamppost.

The Neon Boneyard was everything I hoped it would be. (My entire photoset is here.)

The Neon Museum is in the process of being built next door to the Boneyard location, but it won’t be up and running until late 2012. In the meantime, they just have a huge empty lot full of old Vegas signs, and they also curate the exhibits along Las Vegas Avenue and Fremont Street. Out front of the museum is the Silver Slipper sign that Howard Hughes believed was monitoring his thoughts, so he bought it and took it down.

The tour lasts about an hour, and is totally worth your time. Especially once the museum is open, I imagine.

On the way back from the Neon Boneyard, we stopped at In-N-Out Burger for lunch, something which all of us (even me, the vegetarian) were way too excited about. While Matt and I were waiting for our food, a guy came up to him, pointed at the logo on his shirt, and said, “Pleepleus! Drink!” He was referring to the mascot logo for the show ‘Drinking Made Easy’, and he was so excited to find someone else who knew about it that he insisted on having his photo taken with Matt. Hilarious.

We had lunch outside, making sure all the local birds got extra-fat on french fries. We then went back and parked the van at the hotel, and it was time to go gamble. After stopping for drinks at Margaritaville first, of course. (The bartenders are very proud of their flair skills there, and they were admittedly pretty impressive.)

We all walked over to Imperial Palace, where there were celebrity impersonators singing karaoke on the stage in the middle of the casino floor, and all the pit bosses were going table to table handing out Mardi Gras beads. (It’s my kind of casino.) We managed to find a Pai Gow table where five of us could play together (Amelia still wouldn’t be convinced of its awesomeness), so it was perfect. Josh and Jumi didn’t know how to play, but the dealer was more than happy to teach them.

Josh had an incredible run of bad luck, and kept getting cleaned out. The dealer even had him trying old superstitions involving getting up and circling his chair clockwise three times, which didn’t work so well because he was crowded against another table, went the wrong direction, and only made it twice. Most of us were doing pretty well consistently, and the dealer even convinced me to start playing the fortune bonus, even though I know what a sucker bet it is. I managed to hit it several times, though, and often made up there what I lost on regular hands. I realized I was consistently over my original stake, so I started shoving chips in my pockets whenever I won. After a while, I got up to use the restroom, and realized that I was going to spill chips all over the place if I didn’t cash out. I did that, and saw I was already up $75.

Back at the table, we were all many free drinks and strings of beads into the afternoon. We kept rotating between two dealers, both of which were awesome and had us rolling on the floor laughing. After Wendy made a “winner, winner, chicken dinner” joke, she started yelling things like NO CHICKEN FOR YOU, BABY!! and CHICKEN FOR EVERYBODY!! It was basically the greatest gambling experience ever, and I was sad when we realized we had to leave and start getting ready for our dinner plans. I cashed out my chips again, and was doing far better than I ever have in Vegas.

Jumi, Josh, and Amelia headed back to the hotel to do responsible things like clean up and nap, while Matt, Wendy and I went over to the Mirage. We grabbed couches at Rhumbar (their awesome patio bar), and noticed that they were showing the 3-point competition at the NBA All-Star Game. It took one glance at the menu to see what we were ordering: The Scorpion Bowl. It’s a tiki drink with three kinds of rum, gin, and rum-soaked cherries, costs $50, and has a two-person minimum. Wendy and Matt Tebowed at the sight of it.

The added bonus to being there was that we got to watch Kevin Love win the 3-point competition!

With a good amount of rum in our systems, it was time to go back to the hotel to change for dinner. It was Matt’s birthday, so we were all dressing up fancy-like and going to Jaleo (Jose Andres’ tapas restaurant) for dinner. We walked down to the Cosmopolitan, met up with the others, and got a table right under the luchador cow.

The food there was excellent. It’s always confusing when you get small plates, and you think you’re never going to be full, and then suddenly you want to die. (I could probably live on pan con tomate or their cheeses pretty easily, which was good since the menu wasn’t exactly vegetarian-friendly.) Their Sidecar wasn’t half bad, either, and Matt had the legendary gin & tonic.

After dinner, we went downstairs to drink at the Chandelier. We were really excited for everyone else to experience the joy of drinking inside a giant lamp. We had a hilarious server, and the drinks were great as always. (There was an elaborate one involving dry ice that was really entertaining.)

From there, we headed back up the Strip to do some more gambling. I was the only one who wanted to play craps, so I took up a spot at a table at Bill’s. The crowd there was interesting, and I made pals with the Australians next to me. While I’d played craps before, I’ve never wanted to roll the dice, but since I’d had maybe a few drinks, I decided to accept the dice this time. The first time, one of the dice didn’t make it to the far wall of the table. The second time, the same thing happened. I was getting pretty embarrassed, but the third time was good, and eventually I rolled the point again. (Watching other people throw later, I wasn’t so embarrassed anymore… half of them threw the dice off the table.) And again, I won a bunch of money but have no clue how much… I just grabbed my pile of chips and took them to the counter when it was time to go.

Matt and I eventually went back to the Flamingo, and stopped for a drink at Margaritaville. Neither of us had any idea what time it was, because our phones had been dead for hours. And who needs to know the time in Vegas, really?

I woke up Sunday morning, and it was time for the reckoning. We checked out, piled our stuff in the car, and drove up to the Stratosphere. We were running a little late, so we rushed upstairs and headed right to the SkyJump desk to check in. That’s because it was time to JUMP OFF THE STRATOSPHERE.

Wendy and I were the jumpers, and everyone else came along to cheer for us and cross their fingers that we didn’t die. I paid $110 cash for my jump, which I noted proudly was all from my gambling proceeds. They took us in back to suit up in sexy blue jumpsuits and a giant harness that was way heavier than I expected. We had to empty our pockets and leave all of our stuff in lockers, so I gave my camera to Matt. Then they weighed us, and wrote our weight on the inside of our wrists in Sharpie. To our relief, the weight was in kilograms. (Fun fact: the harness must weigh almost ten pounds, now that I’ve finally done the conversion math.)

We said goodbye to our friends and loved ones (and promised not to die), then headed to the elevator while they went out to the patio to watch our jump. We were led by a SkyJump attendant, and there was one other lady with us. She agreed to jump first so we could see how it went.

They led us right to a waiting pen in the observation deck, and closed the gate. People immediately started wandering over to see what was up, and asking us about how it worked. We watched them lead the other lady into the glass booth where two attendants were preparing people. It seemed to take forever, even though I think it was only about five minutes or so. Finally they led her out to the edge of the platform and she jumped. Once that happened, the people gathered around us started asking even more questions, and we really didn’t want to talk about it anymore. Waiting for it was the worst part.

It was my turn next. I wished Wendy good luck and headed into the booth while the people at the observation deck bombarded her with questions. She didn’t look happy about it at all. The attendant checked my harness for tightness, then checked my shoes and my earrings too. Next the other attendant came up and did the same exact thing, so they had a double-check of everything. They asked me a few questions, and then the guy took me out into the platform. He told me to hold the railing on the right with both hands while he attached the line to my harness. For some reason, I hadn’t expected it to be so windy up there, but it freaked me out a little. Once I was connected, he told me to step up with my toes over the edge, and to reach over and grab the railing on the left with my other hand. That railing seemed REALLY far away. Then he counted down from three, and I jumped.

I screamed for a second, but then realized that the line caught right away and it would be a smooth ride the whole way down. There was plenty of time to look around, but I didn’t really absorb any of it. I noticed that there were lounge chairs on the patio below me, and that the people in the lounge chairs were probably our friends. I spend the other few seconds of my jump picking them out and waving hi to them.

As for landing, the guy had told me to arch my back so I could land on my feet. I did that, and stood for a second before falling over onto my ass. It was a valiant effort! They sent me to get out of my jumpsuit, because there was enough time in between to do that and then watch for Wendy’s jump. I did that and went to hang out with Matt, Amelia, Jumi and Josh. I was shaking, and so adrenaline-filled that I couldn’t even manage to make a movie of Wendy jumping… I just kept turning the camera on and off instead of being able to work the controls.

Anyway, what I would tell you about jumping off the Stratosphere is to DO IT NOW. It’s amazing, and I want to go again.

After Wendy got un-suited, we were all dying of hunger, so we went downstairs to Roxy’s Diner for brunch. While we waited for our food, Josh got a gigantic milkshake in a souvenir Stratosphere glass, and used a straw wrapper to build a scale model of our jump from the top. After eating, we headed to the van and drove back down the Strip, with an extended stop at TI where Josh disappeared inside for what seemed like hours, picking up their show tickets for later.

Our destination was the famed Las Vegas sign, which we’d been meaning to revisit forever. Since our last stop there a few years back, they’ve added a parking lot and Vegas representatives there to take your picture and in some cases (like the showgirl), collect tips.

All but one of us knew what else was up with our stop there… Wendy was planning to propose to Amelia! And she did, in front of a long line of waiting people and the showgirl. It was awesome.

After the engagement, we piled back in the van and went to park at the Bellagio. Matt and I wanted to do our usual shopping trip at Caesar’s, so we all walked over that direction. Of course our shopping trip involved stopping at the bar in the mall for gigantic Long Islands, too, so we did that. Shanghai Tang didn’t have anything spectacular, and Matt didn’t see anything he needed for his birthday gift at the Nike store, so we went back to the casino. We wanted to find the barge-with-a-bar that Steve had excitedly reported about on a previous trip, so I used the magical power of Google Maps and their inside casino view to locate it. That still didn’t make finding it that much easier, especially with construction in Caesar’s, but we eventually got there and it was CLOSED. Jerks.

Matt and I wanted to possibly do more gambling and hang out at the bar, so we all made plans to meet up at the car later, and headed our separate ways. We used our two-for-one coupons at the Caesar’s bar (that’s the only way to make their drinks somewhat affordable), then went to the sports book across the way. (It’s my favorite, mostly because I’ve napped there before.) I picked Syracuse to win the National Championship (this was before Fab Melo got DQed, of course), and the WCHA to win the hockey championship. I’m too superstitious to bet directly on the Gophers, not that I could have at that point anyway.

I went to play craps again, but that $40 disappeared quickly. We decided to walk back to the Bellagio to see if we could get into Fontana Bar to watch the fountains, but couldn’t find it in the spot we expected it to be. We finally asked a girl at the podium outside a club, and she said it had been replaced. The club was opening in a bit, but we didn’t like the sound of that. We racked our brains about a good spot to visit, and then had our ‘duh’ moment: the Cosmopolitan was right next door, and the Chandelier Bar was the perfect place to end our visit to Vegas.

It ended as they all do… way too soon. We went back to the Bellagio garage and found everyone else waiting for us in the van.

Jumi and Josh had a later flight out, so they dropped us at the airport. Our flight was uneventful but late, so we didn’t arrive in Minneapolis til almost 1am. Thank god I’d told work I would be late on Monday.

saturday 3.5.2011 (waterloo to vegas)

Posted in las vegas #6 on February 16th, 2011 by jenni | No Comments »
Tags: iowa, vegas

Saturday morning, I dropped Matt off at his conference at Allen College and went to go see some of central Iowa. It was very grey outside.

 
I saw the other side of Waterloo across the bridge, and there were definitely some pretty nice restaurants and bars over there. The downtown was interesting, but pretty run-down. It reminded me of a smaller version of Milwaukee. There were also a ton of houses on stilts that were either moving or recently moved, presumably because the rivers there flood nearly every year.

I kept driving around til I came across one of the liquor stores the bartender had mentioned the previous night, called Red Star. They had Templeton Rye! I got two bottles for just shy of $100, which meant we were going to have to do a good job of protecting them since they were going to Vegas and back.

 
From there, I drove over to see Waterloo’s sister city, Cedar Falls. My first stop was at the UNI Dome, because we wanted to get a picture of Bally at the home of the Panthers. However, I soon discovered that that’s where the million annoying children had gone: the state wrestling tournament was going on there. I took some crappy out-the-window photos of the dome, circled the campus, and moved on.

Downtown Cedar Falls was completely different than Waterloo. There were a bunch of really cute little shops along a pedestrian-friendly main street, and everything was recently restored. I wish Matt could’ve seen that instead of Waterloo!

Speaking of Matt, it was nearing time to go pick him up. I stopped at Barnes and Noble because they had everything I could ever want at that moment (coffee, a bathroom, and the newest Martha Stewart Weddings), then drove up to the college and parked to wait for him. I got a ways into my airplane knitting project because they were running a little late, but as I’d calculated the latest time we could leave Waterloo about 14 times in my head, I knew we were safe.

Before leaving town, we stopped at the famous Maid-Rite. Matt got a loose meat sandwich (seriously, that’s what it’s called!) and I got some cheese-curd-like things. The employees at Maid-Rite were probably the nicest people on earth, too.

 
We got on the road to Des Moines, which was a little over 2 hours away. Our flight was at close to 5pm, so we had plenty of time to stop and see the famous Traer Winding Stairs. Yep. (Sometimes you just have to go visit stuff like this, because when the hell are you going to get back to Traer, Iowa? I’d never heard of it until we drove through.)

 
We arrived in Des Moines, turned in our rental car, and went to get some food and beers at the Capitol City Brew Pub. It was ideally situated so that we could see the plane arriving from our seats at the bar. As expected, it was about the size of a bus. We got on and were soon back in Minneapolis. You know what’s weird? Flying into your hometown to go on a trip.

We arrived in Vegas shortly before 9, and went to go pick up our car. Since we were staying off-strip for a couple of nights, we calculated that it would be way cheaper to rent a car than take cabs to places like the Orleans Arena. And conveniently, parking everywhere in Vegas is free, plus you can leave your car overnight if necessary.

We were spending the first night at the Sahara; not only was it cheap, but we’d had a great time there before (i.e. $1 shots and pai gow). The first thing we encountered after exiting I-5 was a car on fire in the middle of the Strip. Welcome to Las Vegas!

Our room was outdated, but it was clean and comfortable, and that’s all I care about when all I’m doing is sleeping there. We dropped off our bags and headed off on foot toward the Peppermill, a few very long Vegas-blocks away. It’s just past the Riveria, across from Circus Circus.

We got food at the counter in the restaurant (it’s like Vegas Perkins, seriously), then went into the lounge. We had the exact same bartender as the previous time, and he was fantastic. They were also playing the exact same crappy music videos on the TV, plus ESPN. God, I love that bar.

After a couple drinks, we went across to check out Slots-A-Fun. I’d read about their $3 blackjack and $.50 craps games, but there wasn’t too much going on even though it was after midnight on a Saturday. We got some beers from a vendor out front and wandered through that casino and into Circus Circus. We were nowhere near drunk enough to have a Fear-and-Loathing-style freakout, but it’s always good to remind yourself of how bizarre Vegas can be.

 
We headed back toward our hotel, and got there around 1am. We were too sleepy to gamble, but we had to go see if they still had $1 shots. The bartender told us they’d been discontinued, which pretty much ends any good reason to visit the Sahara. But we did take advantage of some $1 beers instead.

sunday 3.6.2011 (wcc tournament)

Posted in las vegas #6 on February 15th, 2011 by jenni | No Comments »
Tags: vegas

We got up Sunday, checked out of the Sahara, and drove down to the Palazzo for some brunch and sports-betting. We stopped to talk to the lady with the in-game betting devices, but they didn’t have enough options yet to be that interesting. There were some basketball games we were interested in, but they weren’t til later that day.

The benefit to arriving at Lagasse’s Stadium early is that you get a great seat. They put us at a table in front of a giant bank of TVs, right next to the book. We collected odds sheets and instructions (because we can never remember how to place bets), and set to picking games. It was a little too early for them to be serving food, but it was definitely not too early for coffee and beer.

 
We placed bets, ordered food, and also got a pitcher of Long Islands. Happy morning in Vegas!

After brunch, we headed down the strip to do some gambling. I was in search of a friendly-looking craps table, because I was determined to finally try it. I’d even been practicing my betting on the simulator at home. We stopped into O’Shea’s, but the tables were all full. However, when we checked in on Foursquare, we got a message saying we could show the bartender the check-in and get 2-for-1 drinks. So we did.

We went into Imperial Palace and found an open Pai Gow table. After sitting there for a while, I was down about $60 out of my $100. That’s the first time I’d really lost anything at Pai Gow; it’s a break-even kind of game, if nothing else. Matt wanted to switch to blackjack, so I decided to go give craps a try. I put $10 on the pass line, then a $10 odds bet, and quickly ended up with $40. I did that again, and I had more than my original $100 back. Craps was instantly addicting, but I was too excited to keep playing. I took my chips and cashed out, and we went to get our wander on.

We crossed over to the Mirage, and found a comfortable-looking bar right outside the entryway. It was called Rhumbar, and they featured fancy rum cocktails and cigars. How could we go wrong, really?

 
It was then time to head over to Orleans Arena for the semifinal games in the WCC Tournament, which started at 4pm. We arrived a bit early, and they let us walk across the court to the far end, where our seats were in the bleachers behind the basket. Even getting to do that blew my mind a little, but that didn’t seem unusual to anyone else. The first game was St Mary’s vs Santa Clara; we were sure St Mary’s would win, but I was more concerned with how much they one by, since I had bet on the game.

 
St Mary’s covered by a point, so I was very excited. Gonzaga won the second game easily, of course.

After the games, we went over to the Palms to check in. It was one of the preferred hotels for the tournament, so Matt had gotten us a great rate on a room there. I found out much later that it was also the week they were filming MTV Spring Break there. All I can say is that whole thing was incredible: Jersey-Shore looking dudes everywhere, and ladies walking around in bikinis even though it was nowhere near warm enough to go near a pool.

For some reason, they upgraded our room. We ended up in a gigantic suite with 2 bathrooms and a jacuzzi, with a great view of the strip. Not to mention MTV Spring Break going on below us!

 
Around 10pm, we went over to the Bellagio to see if we could get into the Fontana Bar, which overlooks the fountains. It wasn’t crowded at all, and though it was too cold to sit outside, we still had a good view of the show outside. And the show inside, for that matter: a cover band was playing the greatest dance hits of the 70s through today, complete with several costume changes. They were really entertaining.

 
The show finished around midnight, so we headed off in search of food. Anyone who says you can get anything you want in Vegas 24 hours a day is full of shit; as we’ve learned over the years, most of it closes down starting around midnight. We covered several restaurants before finally finding one in Paris that was open, serving breakfast all night. It was by no means good (or cheap), but it was food. I had a croque monsier quesadilla without ham, and Matt had a breakfast involving pancakes. One of which he stole, because he wanted to throw it on Las Vegas as revenge for having the audacity to be partly closed. We needed to wrap it in something, so it ended up packed between some Keno sheets in my purse. And when you’ve reached that point in the evening, you know it’s time to go back to the hotel!

monday 3.7.2011 (wcc tournament)

Posted in las vegas #6 on February 14th, 2011 by jenni | No Comments »
Tags: vegas

I woke up way too early on Monday morning because Wiz Khalifa was soundchecking by the MTV Spring Break Pool. You know when one of those pimped-out bass-blasting cars drives by and makes everything rattle? Multiple that by 10. There was no further sleeping to be done. Also, someone near us in the hotel was smoking weed in their room, accompanied by massive quantities of incense. I don’t care about the smell of weed, but the other stuff was seriously gross.

We got up and headed to Paris for our usual brunch, stopping first to put a couple bucks in our favorite giant slot machine. I won at first, then lost again.

 
After some delicious baked goods, fruit, and cheese at JJ’s Boulangerie, we went to go wander around and see some of the new sights in Vegas. All of City Center and the Cosmopolitan had opened since we were last there, so there was an entire block of newness to explore.

We hit up the Cosmopolitan first, and it kind of ruined us for the rest of it. It’s swank, and over the top in a mostly nontacky way, if that’s even possible there. The bars all catered to the Mad Man theme, with classic cocktails and comfy armchairs. In the center of the casino was a three-story bar within a gigantic chandelier, appropriately named the Chandelier Bar.

We walked around the second floor, checking out the restaurants. Jose Andres’ spots were there, and we had reservations at one of them later that night. After looking at the menu, though, we were considering the other one instead. We stopped into a store selling kitchen and barware, and ended up having a long conversation with an employee there who was originally from Wisconsin. She said I had an accent, but I refuse to believe it. She told us more about the Cosmopolitan, including the fact that the chandelier was made of Swarovski crystals valued at $34,000,000, and that there was a secret pizza place in the building. That made us love it even more. (Also, they had one of those cigarette machines converted to an art-book dispenser, and a giant vending machine where you could buy makeup, trinkets, electronics, and other high-end fanciness. Swank.

We decided to go have a drink in the chandelier. It was amazing.

 
From the Cosmopolitan, we crossed the street into the City Center complex. The mall was full of really high-end stores that weren’t that amazing (mostly because they already exist in places like Caesar’s), but some of the restaurants looked interesting. The Vdara casino was really pretty, but after having just been in the Cosmopolitan, we were pretty unimpressed. Nothing else is quite that nice.

We got trapped in the mall on the way back out of the complex. That place is confusing! We finally made it across the Strip to Planet Hollywood, where we wandered around the shops (it’s a tradition). After a stop at ABC Stores to remind us of Hawaii, we needed to sit down. (I realized while typing this that didn’t seem like much walking, but it was close to 2 hours!) We headed to Cabo Wabo Cantina, where we got a table on the patio.

It was raining a tiny bit on and off, but it was still pretty nice outside for people who had come from winter. We got some food and margaritas, and I used our Groupon. WIN.

 
After lunch, we headed back up to the Palazzo to get the car and drive over to the Orleans. The game wasn’t until 6pm, but we figured we could kill some time gambling.
We found a blackjack table that was just opening, and sat down to play. The place was full of basketball fans, at least 90% of them for Gonzaga. People asked us who we were supporting, and were impressed to hear that we didn’t really care, we’d just come for the tournament.

I ended up winning a bit of money at blackjack, and the game was a good excuse to quit while I was ahead. We went to the bar to grab a quick drink (since they weren’t serving inside the arena), and headed into the game.

We spend the first half of the championship in our seats, then moved closer to the St Mary’s student section to be prepared for court-storming. The game was close enough that picking a side was really difficult, but we preferred St Mary’s. (My favorite part of the game was toward the end when St Mary’s was down quite a bit, and their band launched into Cee-Lo Green’s ‘Fuck You’. The booing was spectacular.)

 
During the last 30 seconds or so of the game, we watched the security guards dragging out ropes and lining them up along the sidelines. Other guards stood blocking the corners of the arena where the students were sitting. It suddenly became evident what they were up to: BLOCKING THE COURT-STORM. Lame.

We stopped at the Palms to change to warmer clothes, and were surprised that there were no MTV spring breakers around. I decided they had probably all frozen to death in the pool. From there, we headed over to see the world-famous Double Down Saloon, which Matt had been determined to visit since the first moment he learned about it.

It had been described as a very late-night place, but we figured it’d be a lot easier to go early and be able to get in. Late night turned out to not be a joke: it was 9pm, and there was only one other person sitting at the bar. (I think he worked there.) By the time we left there were probably 10 people total in there.

I got a beer and Matt got a shot of Ass Juice. The bartender was hilarious. He explained that ass juice was basically just an attempt to get girls to drink grain alcohol; we were pretty sure it was just juice and Everclear. I had to try one after I finished my beer, and it was surprisingly good.

I put $20 in the blackjack machine in front of me, and quickly learned that gambling at the bar was enough to get you a free drink, which is awesome. (That’s true even at the Cosmopolitan, apparently.) After losing on a hand, I tried to lower my bet to the minimum and couldn’t figure out how, so I started clicking the ‘bet’ button, figuring it would go to the top and then start over. That was not the case, however, and I ended up with an $18 bet sitting on my machine. We called the bartender over and asked if he could fix it; he said, “well, we’d have to call the gaming commission, and you might be sitting here for a while.” Holy crap! So I bet my $18 as everyone there watched, and ended up with a push. WHEW.

A couple came in and we moved over a seat to make room for them, so they bought us shots of ass juice to thank us. We got to talking, and learned that the guy was a local rapper, and the lady was his girlfriend from California. They were disappointed we wouldn’t be in town long enough to get to his CD release show. So were we, just because the situation was so amusing.

We said goodbye to everyone and left the Double Down while we were still capable, though it was very tempting to stay there all night. (We’ll be stopping in on every trip to Vegas, I believe.) We went down the street to the Cosmopolitan, because we were in need of dinner.

The ramp at the Cosmopolitan is the most advanced parking ramp I’ve ever seen. There was a digital display telling us how many spots were available on each floor, and rows of overhead lights in red and green showing which spots were open. Once we parked, we of course had to get out and make sure our light had turned to red. It was that exciting.

We got seats at the prep bar at China Poblano, one of Jose Andres’ restaurants there. The menu was a mix of chinese and mexican street foods, and everything was amazing. Here are Matt’s tacos:

 
I had a margarita with a mezcal float. Hello, happy time. We sat there watching the second floor fill up with club-goers; Monday is industry night, and apparently gets pretty crazy. We had to fight our way out of there after dinner, pushing through people wearing clothes about 100 times fancier than ours. We tried to get into the Chandelier but it was packed, so we went downstairs to Bond for a drink instead.

We had to reenter the gigantic club crowd to get to the parking elevators, but we survived. While waiting there, we witnessed two security guards helping a girl who was in a panic about not being able to find her car in the ramp. She couldn’t even remember what floor it was on, and that’s because she was so drunk she was about to fall off her heels. The guards were trying to be helpful by helping her find it. What the hell, dudes? I pulled one of them aside and asked, “you’re not really going to let her drive that drunk, are you?” He kind of waved it off like they couldn’t possibly do that, but I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what happened.

We headed back to our presidential suite, which was by then so full of the smell of incense it was horrifying. It seemed to be mostly isolated to the living room, though, so we could cut it off by closing the door. But, really, dudes, if you’re going to smoke weed in a hotel, just smoke week. Nobody cares.

tuesday 3.8.2011 (the nightclub and bar show)

Posted in las vegas #6 on February 13th, 2011 by jenni | No Comments »
Tags: vegas

We got up at the last minute on Tuesday, checked out of our presidential suite at the Palms, and headed to the Venetian to get brunch. After that, we went down to the sports book and cashed our our immense winnings (something like $40) on the basketball games.

Then it was time for the Nightclub and Bar Show!

 
All we knew was that there would be a ton of vendors represented, and that there would be some samples. What we didn’t know was that there would be a million samples and giveaways, and that everything would be amazing.

 
The exhibit floor was open from 12-6, and we figured we’d only be there a few hours before getting bored. Man, were we wrong.

 
Also, a porn star autographed that sign for us, and wished us happy wedding. AWESOME.

 
How we survived the NCB Show, I’m not really sure. What I do know is that one should not try to experience it all in one session.

 
We stopped to get food at In & Out Burger on the way to our new hotel, the Flamingo. By the time we got to the room, I’d forgotten that we had eaten. Also, the front desk told us there was a package waiting for us there, but apparently there was not. I’m still troubled about that.

The Flamingo’s ‘Go!’ rooms are great. They’ve been recently updated and are very modern. My favorite amenities were the TV built into the bathroom mirror, and the shower with horizontal jets. We’ll definitely be staying there again.

After crashing for a while, we went out to have a very late dinner at Todd English’s Urban P.U.B. in City Center. The food and beers were great, and the crowd getting pretty nuts there. After dinner, we went back over to the Chandelier Bar for another cocktail. It had quickly become our favorite bar in Vegas.

wednesday 3.9.2011 (going home)

Posted in las vegas #6 on February 12th, 2011 by jenni | No Comments »
Tags: vegas

Wednesday morning, we checked out, brought our bags to the car, and went to go see the wildlife sanctuary at the Flamingo, since we’ve never stopped in there.

 
I love that the turtles have their names painted on them, and that Amy was standing on Mike.

 
We went to go play pai gow for a while, but I had a really bad run and lost $60 again. I fully expect to win a bunch next time I play, because twice in a row is unlikely. We decided that brunch was a better use of our cash, so we went up to the rooftop at Margaritaville and had some food and margaritas.

 
On the way back through the Flamingo, I wanted to show Matt how to play craps, since he was playing blackjack the first time I’d tried it. I placed my bet, and quickly recouped the money I’d lost at Pai Gow. Whoa.

We went over to do our usual shopping at Caesars, and managed to not buy a single thing at Shanghai Tang. (First time ever!) Then it was time to go get our stuff and head to the airport, sadly. We did manage to meet a showgirl on the way, and had Bally’s photo taken with her. WIN.

 
On the flight home, we saw a court-storming on the airplane TV. So not fair!

friday 9.18.2009

Posted in las vegas #5 on September 29th, 2009 by jenni | No Comments »
Tags: birthday, nevada, vegas

There’s nothing quite like the traditional Friday afternoon flight to Vegas. It’s perfect.

We got to the airport a little early, so we hung out at Grandaddy’s Bar, a Humphrey Terminal favorite. We’d just gotten another round as the gate agent came to announce that they were leaving early. We slammed our drinks and headed for the plane.

I will never be sure why Sun Country has Willie Wonka in their safety cards. Also, no SkyMall. What?

Right before takeoff, I looked up to see a large man in an amazing white wig grinning his way down the aisle. He was causing quite a stir, because it was Gary Spivey. The guy behind us yelled, “Hey Gary! Will I get lucky in Vegas?” Gary replied, “Only if you don’t gamble!”

We got to Vegas a little early, around 5pm, and took a cab to our hotel. We had a free place to stay at Polo Towers, courtesy of our landlord. This is the view from our balcony:

There was no bed in our room, and its location was not immediately evident. We finally realized there was a murphy bed integrated with a couch; it required removing all the cushions and lowering it from the wall. It took us so long to figure it out, I’m really glad we didn’t wait til we’d been drinking. We’d have ended up sleeping on the floor.

We had some time to kill, so we went over to one of our favorite bars at Planet Hollywood, called Yolos.

After a drink, we went back to our hotel to change into fancy clothes. Because I’d had managed to obtain some kind of foot injury in the previous week, to the point where I could barely walk and was on anti-inflammatories, we decided to take a cab rather than walk over to the monorail at Excalibur. I’m sure I looked awesome limping in a dress.

Our town car driver was fantastic. He told us about his favorite bars at Mandalay, and all about the great gambling at Hooters, interspersed with tirades about how much he hated his phone.

We went to Rumjungle for a cocktail before dinner, and were immediately in love. The place was huge and industrial-looking, and they had about 40 rums behind the bar. The bartender was rushed and sarcastic. The drinks were killer strong, and seemed to all be served in pint glasses.

We vowed to return later, and headed over to Fleur de Lys for our 9:30 dinner reservations. They ushered us into the bar, and the bartender made me some kind of delicious drink based on my vague specifications. It’s possible we were more than a little tipsy by then anyway. Then they led us to our table, and we ordered the tasting menu: vegetarian for myself, and the regular version for Matt.

It was nearly impossible to take photos in there, as it was dark and I didn’t want to use the flash. We mostly took them so we could remember how amazing it was, because it was honestly the best meal of my life. (Here are the rest of the photos from Fleur de Lys.)

I had six courses, and Matt had at least 8 or 9. Everything was amazing. He even got two dessert courses, and then we had after-dinner espresso while Matt was presented with a cookbook signed by Hubert Keller. We were so absolutely thrilled with that meal; it was worth every cent.

Dan and Kate, who had arrived the day before us, had just finished their show at New York New York, so we decided to go to eyecandy to wait for them. It’s the lounge in the middle of the casino floor, and had been recommended by the Bradstreet folks. There was a DJ and people dancing in the back, and a bunch of couches around the bar area. Dan and Kate joined us a bit later, and we hung out til Matt and I were ready to collapse. We finally grabbed a cab back to our hotel, and proceeded to do so.

saturday 9.19.2009

Posted in las vegas #5 on September 29th, 2009 by jenni | No Comments »
Tags: birthday, nevada, vegas

We got up with plenty of time to make it to our pre-noon plans, which is always surprising in Vegas. We headed up the strip toward Caesar’s, figuring we’d have plenty of time to get there by 11:30, but we barely made it!

It’s possible I stopped to take a lot of pictures. At Caesar’s, we headed toward Mesa Grill to meet April and Kara for brunch! They’d driven up from San Diego the day before.

I’ve never been a huge fan of Bobby Flay just because of his personality on his Food Network shows, but I’m very glad we chose his restaurant for brunch. Everything was fantastic; I even looked up the recipe for the chilaquiles I’d had, and made them again at home with food from our garden.

After brunch, Matt and I headed off for another favorite Vegas tradition: hitting up the bar in the Forum Shops for a long island (it’s something like 47 shots, I think), and shopping. Though we went into my favorite store, Shanghai Tang, I managed to not need anything there. To make up for it, Matt got a really awesome shirt.

Post-shopping, it was time for more cheap gambling. We were in search of a blackjack table, but they were full across the street at O’Shea’s. We played video poker and blackjack instead, and enjoyed the amazing ambiance of the place. Classic rock and a beer pong arena? You can’t possibly go wrong.

There was a leprechaun outside yelling, too, but he disappeared before I could take his photo. Of course.

We set off in search of tables elsewhere, and eventually managed to find Pai Gow at the Flamingo. It was a $10 minimum, but it’s the kind of game where your hundred bucks can last a really long time. And if you get lucky, you’ll even end up winning:

After a couple hours of gambling, we decided we needed to find beverages. We tried to get to the bar at Margaritaville (for old times’ sake), but it was packed. Instead, we headed down to Bill’s Gamblin’ Hall to get us some dollar margaritas.

As I learned last time we were in Vegas, there’s a trick to the dollar margaritas: they fill the cup most of the way with overly sweet nonalcoholic mix, then pour a shot of Sauza on top. Drink the tequila off the top and throw out the rest of the drink. Who wouldn’t pay a buck for a big shot of tequila, anyway?

We decided it was probably time for some sports-betting, as it was something we were both very interested in, and had never done before. We walked over to Bally’s to get on the monorail, stopping to put a dollar in the giant slot machine. We won $10, cashed it out, and got our tickets.

We rode up to Harrah’s, and walked from there to the Venetian. It was hot… almost 100 degrees.

We had less luck playing $5 on Wheel of Fortune at the Venetian, but that was fine. We finally made our way into the Palazzo, and from there found the entrance to the sports book on a weird basement level. However, the sports book (called Legasse’s Stadium, after Emeril), was packed full. Something to do with a million college football games, of course. The girls at the counter said there would be a very long wait for a table, but we were welcome to pay a ridiculous cover charge for a VIP table. It amounted to having to spend about $100 total, which seemed unlikely for just the two of us.

We managed to find a table out on the patio and began perusing parlay cards. After 20 minutes or so, there was still no sign of a server. As we were starving by that point, we decided to get the hell out of there and find some food before we passed out. Sports could wait.

We crossed over to TI to check out a couple places that were on my potentially-awesome list. After walking around for way too long and considering just laying on the floor, we decided on Isla Mexican Kitchen. It was an excellent choice, and they had great vegetarian food. Also, who could go wrong with mas tequila*?

*Yes, that was a Sammy Hagar shoutout.

Revived, we started making our way back down the strip. We had plans to meet Dan and Kate later in the evening to celebrate Kate’s birthday, so we figured we’d head back to the hotel, change, and work our way towards Mandalay.

We rode the monorail with a bunch of people who were going to the fight at MGM. We had to wade through throngs of people near the MGM event center, but it was kind of fascinating to see. After changing, we made the somewhat unwise decision to walk to Hooters. It seemed really close (like everything in Vegas), but we soon discovered there was no direct route there. We had to circle the block our hotel was on, go down the back road behind MGM, and then got stuck trying to make our way past limos, buses, and security guards, all while sweating our asses off in the 90-degree (at night!) weather. We finally traversed a parking garage and found our way to Hooters. It took forever.

It took a long time to find a place to drink, get drinks, and decide what to do. However, the drinks cheered us up, as did the fact that the bartender comped them even though we went to the bar, because we were gambling (I think I put $5 in a video poker machine). We liked Hooters a lot better after that.

Dan texted to say they were done with dinner, so we headed towards Mandalay via the tram from Excalibur. Strangely, my limp was improving. I was on anti-inflammatories, but I’d expected Vegas to make my foot injury a lot worse. Obviously, it’s magical.

We met up with Dan, Kate, and a couple friends at Rumjungle. The $10 cover was surprisingly low for a really awesome club at 1:30am. I was really sad to not be able to dance, but it was great watching the dance floor. After their friends headed out (they had an early flight the next morning), I told Dan I didn’t think I’d be able to make it much longer. He did a small amount of arm-twisting, though, and we caved: to the strip club! We went out front, grabbed a cab, and headed downtown.

I should mention that we didn’t have a plan for the strip club at all; Dan just looked one up on his phone, checked reviews, and we were off. We chose well, too: the Girls of Glitter Gulch is legendary. Everyone knows the sign, at least.

There was a $20 cover, which included the first drink free. Our server, a stiff-but-friendly Russian lady named Dacha, led us to a round booth along the wall and took our orders. We watched the ladies dancing and occasionally had to say no to lap dance offers, but there was nothing pushy about it. Eventually, we all ended up spending time on sniffer’s row. I may be a little scarred from having cougar boobs in my face, though. I guess it was our fault for going up there just because the girl she was onstage with was really hot.

Somewhere between 4 and 5am, it was time to call it a night, so we shared a cab back to our hotels. The best part was when the driver just pulled over in front of the Monte Carlo, stopping traffic, and Matt and I had to jump out and run across the strip. Man, I love Vegas.

sunday 9.20.2009

Posted in las vegas #5 on September 29th, 2009 by jenni | No Comments »
Tags: birthday, nevada, vegas

Sunday, we got up very late. Unsurprising, since we didn’t get to bed til after 5am. The surprising thing was that we weren’t terribly hung-over.

We walked over to Planet Hollywood, did some shopping at the ABC Store (it’s a tradition begun in Hawaii), then went over to Paris. We were waiting on Dan and Kate to have lunch, so we killed some time playing video poker there. I don’t remember the exact result, but I know at least one of us won. We were doing pretty well with the low-stakes gambling!

In Bally’s, we had to play the giant slot machine again. This time we won $10.

Dan texted to say they couldn’t make it, so Matt and I went to have lunch at Le Burger (“it means ‘the burger’!”). It was delicious, but neither of us was up for the Eiffel Tower of Power so early in the day. Plus you could only get beer in it. That’s just not great.

Instead, I decided to finally give in to my urge to buy a ridiculous souvenir glass at Paris. I’d been wanting one ever since the first time I went to Vegas, so it was about time. I got a margarita in a ceramic balloon!

Matt posing with the balloon

The balloon was a great idea until we got about halfway back to the hotel. It was maybe only half a mile, but it was ridiculously hot, we were tired, and I was well into my margarita. It got heavier and heavier, to the point where I was pretty sure it weighed 10 pounds. I survived, though!

We changed and went up to check out the rooftop pool. It wasn’t huge, but it was pretty much perfect.

We bobbed around til we were too cold to do so anymore, then headed downstairs to shower. Afterwards, we walked over to New York New York to get a pretzel to tide us over til dinner, because god knows when that would happen. We forget to eat regularly in Vegas, for some reason.

We had plans to meet Dan and Kate later on in the evening at the Stratosphere, so we decided to start working our way up that direction. We walked to the monorail at MGM, and rode all the way up to the convention center. Matt wanted to make a stop at the Peppermill, and without knowing exactly where it was, that seemed to be the closest stop.

Man, were we wrong. What felt like several miles later, we found our way into the Sahara. We still had no clue where the Peppermill was, so we figured we could go wander and find it. That usually ends really badly in Vegas, of course.

We did end up walking forever, but we managed to find the Peppermill past Circus Circus and the Riviera. Whatever you do, don’t get off the monorail at the convention center; there’s a stop right at the Sahara!

You know what? The long walk was absolutely worth it. Look at this place:

That’s a fountain with FIRE in the middle.

That’s Matt looking like this was one of the best days of his life.

We had a couple drinks there at the most gloriously oldschool bar in town, and spent time talking to the awesome bartender about sports. We’d probably have stayed all night (moving over to the Perkins-esque side of the place when we needed to eat), but responsibility called. We walked up to the Riviera and got a cab to the Stratosphere, where we found Dan and Kate playing video poker.

They were already totally worn out (understandably, considering the previous day), so we decided to pass on the rides on top of the Stratosphere. We played video poker with them for a while, and then went to find food when they headed back to their hotel. We decided on the tacky 50s-style diner nearby, because I’d eaten there before and knew they had vegetarian food. I had a salad, and I swear it was the best salad of my life. Or I may just have been hungry.

Matt won a bunch more money playing penny slots while waiting for me in the bathroom. Since our streak of luck was obviously continuing, we decided to head back down to the Sahara. Not only would we probably find cheap tables there, but we’d likely win in other ways: we’d seen a sign advertising $1 shots with a souvenir glass. SOLD.

Oh, and we stopped at the sex toy store along the way. It was sadly disappointing!

We had some delicious dollar shots, then went to find a blackjack table. That’s when my lucky streak ended, but that’s not surprising. I know how to play blackjack correctly, but I just haven’t been getting cards lately. That’s fine; it’ll turn around at some point!

After losing at blackjack, we went to play pai gow. That went better for us, or we were at least losing a lot more slowly. We wanted to stay and play longer, but we were too aware of the 10am checkout at our hotel. We decided to call it a night, and headed that way.

monday 9.21.2009

Posted in las vegas #5 on September 29th, 2009 by jenni | No Comments »
Tags: birthday, nevada, vegas

We got up bright and early Monday morning, only because we had to check out by 10. Nobody should have to see Las Vegas that early in the day.

We took our usual trek through Planet Hollywood and over to Paris, stopping for our traditional delicious European brunch at the cafe there. Matt had a bacon roll, and I had a cranberry roll with a cheese and fruit plate. We refilled our DIY iced coffees, and headed over to the sports book at Bally’s. There, we placed prop bets on Monday Night Football, and hopped on the monorail back to the Flamingo.

We stopped in at Sin City Brewing to pick up another shotglass (it’s one of our favorites), and then went off in search of a pai gow table. After passing time with video poker for a while, we found a couple of seats. Matt wasn’t having great luck, so he went to play blackjack instead.

We’d made plans to meet up with Dan and Kate before airport-time, so we headed back down toward MGM around noon. We stopped to get some much-needed pizza for lunch, then crossed over to Hooters to find them. We all wanted to take advantage of the much-advertised free $100 in slot play just for joining the players’ club.

The promotional slot machines were a joke, of course, but it was entertainment. We also got $5 free on the regular slots, so we took that over to the penny machines. Within a few minutes, I was up $20. I cashed out, and we went to play some blackjack instead.

Our luck had really turned at that point… the dealer had an awesome run and wiped almost all of us at the table out in fairly short order. Such is the way of Vegas.

Dan and Kate left to get their bags and go to the airport extremely early, so Matt and I decided to go over to a bar we’d heard about at the Bellagio. After much walking and heat and having to backtrack because the street was closed, we gave up on the plan and went to New York New York instead. One of the items on my to-do list was to have a yard, and we hadn’t done that yet. Plus we visit Gonzalez Y Gonzalez every time we’re there!

We had yards, and got talking to the bartender, who was clearly a terrible influence. That’s why that plastic dinosaur cup held a giant Patron shot. And I still have it, because why would you not keep that glass?

After sitting there for a while watching Nascar on ESPN, it suddenly seemed like a great idea to go make another bet. Matt took Mark Martin to win the Nascar season (the cup? I think?) because the TV told us to. Hey, it could still pan out! Then we crossed the street to Fatburger, where he went in to order while I stood outside with the drinks. I have a bunch of photos of the people sitting in front of Walgreens, and I really have no idea why.

We found a table at the Hawaiian Marketplace. A cover band was playing the greatest hits of the 70s through today; we ate and giggled at the incredible awesomeness of Vegas while watching tourists dance. They played ‘All Summer Long’ by Kid Rock (it’s obligatory), and then we swing-danced to Stevie Ray Vaughan. Pretty much the perfect way to end that particular trip to Vegas.

We walked over to Polo Towers, got our bags and a cab, and were airport-bound. There, we found Dan and Kate napping at the gate, and our plane all ready to go.

Til next time, Las Vegas! I’m sure we’ll be back soon.

wednesday 10.1.2008

Posted in las vegas #4 on October 5th, 2008 by jenni | No Comments »
Tags: vegas

After a long day at work, Matt and I got on a plane at 9:15pm Minneapolis time, and showed up in Vegas around 11:30. After a far-too-long delay at baggage claim, we hopped in a cab to our hotel.

It didn’t occur to me to tell the driver to take local streets, so of course he went the long way around on the freeway. When I asked him why he went that way, he said there was construction. Yeah, right; construction and $15 extra fare.

We checked into our room at Bally’s and promptly began the celebration. (Please note we only drank one bottle; the other was for the next night when Steve and Colleen arrived.)

We needed some food, so we set off from Bally’s into the concourse at Paris. Everything there was closed, since it was after midnight on a Wednesday, so we headed out onto the strip. The next casino was Planet Hollywood, which I was not thrilled about, since I loved the Aladdin. But we went inside anyway, and were instantly impressed. It actually looked awesome! The decor wasn’t hideous! And there was a gigantic photo of Justin Timberlake overlooking the casino floor! You can’t go wrong.

We sighted a Mexican restaurant called Yolos, and headed that direction. The bartender said they weren’t serving food anymore, but listed off a few places nearby that did. We decided, since we happened to find ourselves on bar stools there anyway, that we should probably get ourselves some margaritas. They even put them in to-go cups for us, so we could take them to dinner/breakfast.

Across the casino, we found Planet Dailies. It looks like a coffee shop, but it’s a full-service, 24-hour restaurant. We were thrilled, and ended up just ordering appetizers: some kind of bruschetta with the best dipping sauce ever, and giant nachos. After finishing that and paying up, we headed to the center of the casino, completing our tour of Planet Hollywood at the Heart Bar. It was very swanky, with low couches and expensive martinis. We hung out for a while, enjoying the ridiculousness that is Las Vegas. And Justin Timberlake, looking down on us benevolently.

After that, we set off in search of cheaper drinks and entertainment. We headed over to the other side of Bally’s, to Bill’s Gamblin’ Hall and Saloon (which was until recently the Barbary Coast). We had another drink at the bar there, the scene of one of our favorite Vegas moments ever, that of the cover band playing Journey with a keytar.

Then suddenly we realized it was 4:30am Minneapolis time, and that meant it was time to sleep.

thursday 10.2.2008

Posted in las vegas #4 on October 5th, 2008 by jenni | No Comments »
Tags: dancing, vegas

Thursday morning, we got up bright and early late and went to Paris for breakfast. There’s a little cafe I’d stopped at on previous visits, and knew it to be good. Which is to say they’d have pastries and coffee.  I think Matt died of awesome over his bacon and cheese roll.

We took our ghetto iced coffees with us, and headed out the north side of Bally’s. I don’t know exactly how hot it was, but it was definitely mid-90s. And, you know, we were in the desert. The coffee only helped a little.

this is apparently one of klein’s favorite spots in vegas. they have $1 hot dogs.

We headed east, toward the National Atomic Testing Museum. I knew it was ‘just past’ Terrible’s Casino, so we were very excited to see that in the distance. It couldn’t have been more than a mile from the strip, but, holy crap, walking any distance like that in Vegas hurts.

The museum was fantastic. I’d been to the National Atomic Museum in Albuquerque, and was even more impressed with this one. My favorite part was the little theatre with the nuclear explosion simulation that ran every 10 minutes. The loud blast didn’t scare us that much, but the giant rush of air did.

Having gotten our culture in Vegas, we headed to Terrible’s and played some video blackjack.

We watched the end of a division series game with the people at the sports book there, then decided to get our wander on back toward the strip. Matt talked to both Pete and Klein to determine everyone else’s whereabouts, and we figured we’d meet up with them later. Since Hard Rock was sort of in the general direction we were headed, we stopped there to check it out.

As we walked in the door, sweating our asses off, the first thing I heard was Def Leppard’s Rock of Ages. I knew that place was going to be awesome. And THEN:

We stopped at the Hard Rock gift shop, obtained the required souvenir shotglasses, and then decided there was no point in waiting for dinnertime to go to the Pink Taco. We went in and had us a margarita. Then we had us another margarita. Then we went back outside, and headed back toward the strip. You know how usually if you’re drinking, you don’t mind that it’s either freezing or the middle of the desert? Not so much. I was pretty sure I was going to end up laying on the side of the road.

We ducked into the mall attached to Planet Hollywood right as Colleen texted that their plane had landed. I figured we had half an hour, so we did some shopping at ABC Stores (because I’m nostalgic about Hawaii) and a shoe store where I found the awesomest Ed Hardy shoes on earth.

We got back to the hotel just as they were arriving. We went to our room, grabbed the other bottle of champagne, and went to celebrate their arrival. They’d never been to Vegas before!! We were very excited to show them around.

We went back to Planet Hollywood, and stopped at Yolo for drinks, as one should not wander the strip sober. We then headed down toward New York New York, to have dinner at one of my favorite restaurants in Vegas. It’s not that it’s great, but it’s a tradition. I’ve gone there every time I’ve been in town. Also, they have margaritas in yards. You can’t go wrong.

note steve’s statue of liberty yard!

Full of Mexican food, we went to play video poker for a while. Colleen and I smartly hid our yards on the floor next to the machines, so that the drink lady would come around and give us free cocktails. Win.

Once we blew our $20 on poker, we went upstairs to Coyote Ugly. The place wasn’t too busy yet, but the ladies were already dancing on the bar. One of the bartenders marched right up to us and demanded a dollar for the jukebox. I went to give her one, but she insisted that it come from one of the boys. They refused.

A few drinks and some awesome music later, we watched a girl take a nose-dive on the bar, then be hauled back up by her fellow dancing-ladies. We decided it was time to go. We headed across the bridge to MGM, to another of our favorite bars.

steve’s yard: for AMERICA. (he used it as a drinkholder all night.)

steve took this with his VERY LONG ARMS.

This is where it all becomes kind of blurry, but we remember Steve being really excited about the lion habitat at MGM, and then going to have a drink at Rouge. We left shortly after that, and headed over to Excalibur, because Matt’s friends were going that way to go to a club.

We met Andy and Christina on the monorail to Mandalay Bay, and introduced them to Colleen and Steve. We then headed downstairs to what seemed like the furthest basement corner of Mandalay, to the Forty Deuce. Which, you know, is an awesome name for a club, particularly one that features burlesque dancers. There was no cover at that point, so we went inside.

There were only a few tables, though, and they were already full. The drinks were approximately $400 apiece (I’m only exaggerating slightly!). And apparently the dancers weren’t even starting til midnight. We milled around, disgruntled, and finally decided to take off for cheaper drinkin’ spots, even ones without half-naked ladies.

We took the monorail back to Excalibur, then walked up the strip toward our hotel. Steve and Matt dubbed the massive construction project south of the Bellagio ‘Australia: the Casino’, then talked about it so much I was convinced it was real the next day. Steve collected hooker trading cards, and within a few blocks had a substantial collection.

We decided to head for Bill’s Gamblin’ Hall again, as it was the crappiest nearby strip casino we could think of. The outside advertised $1 margaritas all day long, but we’d already searched for them to no avail. However, at one point I wandered off, and found them at a bar in the back. There was a frozen drink machine with the mix, and then the bartender would pour a shot of god-knows-what-brand tequila on top. Cringing, I watched a group of dudes ordering two apiece, and asked them if they were any good. They told me they were terrible… what you’re supposed to do is suck the tequila off the top, and throw the rest away. That’s so awesome. (And: GAG.)

Steve and Colleen were sleepy, so they went back to the hotel while Matt and I continued onward. We wandered through the Flamingo, then O’Shea’s, just for the fact that we’d heard there was a midget bartender there. My image of O’Shea’s is sort of like a warehouse full of table games, with fluorescent lighting and not a single midget. I went to the bathroom (it was a life-threatening experience), and we kept walking.

Somewhere in the vicinity of the Imperial Palace, we found the Rockhouse. Between the crappy hiphop blasting out onto the strip and the $5 cover, we knew we had to go in. And dance, for what seemed like 10 minutes, but was apparently more like three hours. According to Twitter, we were still going strong at 3am. Round about the time the bartenders were standing on the bar pouring Jagermeister into people’s mouths, we knew it was time to go.

I walked back to Bally’s at an angle. I wish I could explain this, but Matt will just have to demonstrate for you. All I knew is that the next morning, one side of my back was hella sore.

friday 10.3.2008

Posted in las vegas #4 on October 5th, 2008 by jenni | 1 Comment »
Tags: dancing, vegas

Sunday morning, very close to afternoontime, we dragged ourselves out of bed. I hurt from dancing. We had layers of stamps on the back of our hands. In short: we were doing Vegas right.

We met Colleen and Steve in the lobby and went to get food at Paris again. This time, we went to Le Burger. Everything on the menu had a corny french name. Our favorite item, which we were unfortunately too hungover to be able to consider, was the Eiffel Tower of Power. It was a giant tube of booze, for you to share with your friends.

Le Gardenburger and Le Fries were rejuvenating. We headed out onto the Strip to do some touring.

We crossed to the Bellagio, and went in to see the fountains. I didn’t realize they did seasonal displays; the fall getup was hokey and terrifying:

We crossed into Caesar’s Palace and decided to look for the sports book. We all wanted to bet on games, but had no idea how one did that. The thing about the sports book, though, is that they have comfy chairs and many, many TVs showing sporting events. We sat down to watch another one of the playoff games, during which I took a nap. It was awesome.

After a while, we went off in search of drinks to fix the remaining hangover. Steve found a bar on a boat, but Matt and I had no such luck; we went to the lounge right by the Pussycat Dolls club (which advertised Nicky Hilton’s birthday party tomorrow!), and our tiny little drinks were $11 apiece. SCREW YOU, CAESAR.

caesar telling us to shop at the forum shops. not that his drinks are too expensive.

We decided to move on, lest we become broke at the bar. Matt and I wanted to go to Diesel and the Nike Store in the Forum shops, plus there was this bar in the middle of the mall I was kind of obsessed with, due to the fact that I’d never gotten to go there on previous visits. I don’t know… I fixate.

That bar was the right one. Colleen and Steve split a half-yard of Mai Tai that contained 13 shots of booze. The guy behind the counter even warned them about it. I got a giant Long Island, and Matt got another drink. By the time we’d walked about 20 feet, we were already feeling it. And that’s when I realized I was standing right outside Shanghai Tang. I just stood there in shock.

I’d discovered Shanghai Tang many moons ago when I came across a Deng Xiaoping clock they made. The couple of times I’ve been to New York since then, I’ve made a special trip to their store. It’s probably one of the most expensive places I’ve ever set foot in. Everything is gorgeous and ridiculously overpriced. However, I managed to find a purse there for a hundred bucks, and fell in love with it. So it became mine.

colleen and steve modeling sunglasses at diesel

We went to the Nike store, where Matt found a pair of awesome kicks. Since our shopping was a huge success, we decided it was time to head back to our hotel pool for a bit.

We changed, then headed downstairs, only to be told that the pool closed in 20 minutes. Did we care? No way. Matt and I went and jumped in, hoping that Steve and Colleen would make it in time.

They showed up a few minutes later, carrying ice cream cones. When we told them they only had a few minutes to swim, they scrambled to find a place to put their ice cream. Steve chose the little intake vent next to the pool, because it was the perfect size to hold it upright.

It was fine until Michael Vick walked by.

OK, it was really just a dude in a Michael Vick jersey. A dude who stepped on Steve’s ice cream cone!

We managed to get decent pooltime in before the lazy teenager in the lifeguard chair started making moves to close up. We went inside and stopped for food quickly, then went to our rooms for napping/changing.

Then it was time to go downtown!

Fremont Street was swarming with bikers, who were there for a big rally. It was awesome. The Jack Daniels bar facing the street in Binions had Jack cocktails for $2. Thanks, bikers!

We went into Binions and found one of the few $5 blackjack tables. Sadly, our old friend Robert Milligan wasn’t dealing. Matt and I each put down $100. His didn’t last very long (even though he was playing well), but I kept going for quite a while, always hovering around my original stake.

Pete, Christa, Klein, Stephanie, and Andy showed up, and a few of them sat down to play at a different table. They raised the minimum bet to $10 (though we were allowed to keep playing at $5), and I started betting $10-15 a hand. Since my chip stack still didn’t change much, I decided to quit while I was ahead. I cashed out at $105, and I was very happy with that. We wandered around Binion’s for a while, went to see the million dollar display, and then stood around talking with Matt’s friends. We made tentative plans to get together later, depending on where we were.

We had all planned on dressing up and going out somewhere nice, but it was getting late, and we were hungry. To change, we’d have to take a cab back to our hotel, then another cab to wherever we were going. We decided to stay in our regular clothes and just go over to Hard Rock for dinner. At the PINK TACO, of course.

We had an awesome dinner, and what seemed like 40 margaritas (but I believe was actually two). Our server took forever getting new drinks and bringing the tab, but we didn’t mind much. After that, we decided to look around Hard Rock to see if we could get into any of the clubs. It seemed unlikely, since Matt and I were casually dressed, but the first place we approached didn’t really care. We paid our $10 cover and headed into Wasted Space. Based on the decor, I half expected Bret Michaels to be there.

There wen’t many people there at first, but the drinks were pretty cheap, and the music was entertaining. We hung out, talking and watching the people who paid way too much in the table service section. The DJ would put on a good dance song for about 30 seconds, then do an awkward transition into something like ‘Don’t Stop Believin’. It was unusual, though entertaining.

Since we had to be up at 9 the next morning, we headed back to Bally’s around 1am, and crashed hard.

saturday 10.4.2008

Posted in las vegas #4 on October 5th, 2008 by jenni | No Comments »
Tags: vegas

Saturday morning, we got up painfully early (i.e. 9am), checked out, said goodbye to Colleen and Steve, and went to get a shuttle to the airport. We stood around for what seemed like forever, as several shuttles pulled up, dropped people off, and headed off without picking people up. Finally, we gave up and got a cab.

The flight was uneventful, and I was happy to have a window seat, because I was dying of sore. We got home and promptly took up spots on the couch to watch football. I couldn’t have been happier to have almost the whole weekend to recover, because we needed it.

Man, I love Vegas.

1.12.2007 (day one)

Posted in las vegas #3 on January 15th, 2007 by jenni | No Comments »
Tags: casino, journey, nevada, vegas

We got started early at the lovely Hubert H Humprey Terminal at Minneapolis-St Paul International Airport. We continued the party on the aeroplane. The party also included canasta and the sammichsammich. We landed in Las Vegas, and were greeted at the airport by a limo driver holding a sign reading TEAM AWESOME.

We hopped in our limo and broke out the champagne. We got to Excalibur, checked into our widely-scattered rooms (which they told us would be together), and regrouped half an hour later, ready for action.

We had dinner. We drank tequila-based beverages. We video-gambled at New York New York. We wandered up the strip and eventually found ourselves in the Barbary Coast, the lesser-known pirate casino. While most of our crew headed for more games, Matt and I circled the casino and stopped cold at the entrance to the bar. There, onstage, was a cover band with a keytar. We were ecstatic. After a series of hair-metal ballads, and as if it was not already the best day ever, they launched into Faithfully. We died of joy.

…And then were resurrected to go across the street to the Flamingo. Katie and Wendy ran over to play the Wheel of Fortune, so I grabbed a seat, put in $10, hit ‘max bet’, cashed out, and walked away with $81. We watched poker for a while, and headed back to the hotel sometime around 3am.

1.13.2007 (day two)

Posted in las vegas #3 on January 15th, 2007 by jenni | No Comments »
Tags: casino, nevada, vegas

Now, not to ruin the suspense or anything, but I’m going to go ahead and tell you that Saturday was the all-time official best day ever. Really.

our pretty-pretty-princess castle.

We got up and met up with everybody at Mandalay Bay for the brunching. The AVN Awards were going on that day, so we saw several porn stars and producers in the restaurant. We hopped cabs to downtown, and wandered into Binion’s to play blackjack. We found an empty table so all six of us could play. And then, we met Robert. Our lives will never be the same.

Robert alternated between berating us and telling jokes (some of which he would forget partway through) for the next three hours, with regular 20-minute breaks during which we missed him a LOT. Our favorite moment was when he started talking about buying nickel and dime bags, then tried to explain what they were to his pit boss, who had no idea. He said that it was heroin, as opposed to cocaine, which one buys in rocks. Also, he remembered the days when one could walk down Fremont Street counting a handful of cash; nowadays, you walk down a few blocks holding a twenty, and you’re bound to get shot.

Robert took all our money over the course of that three hours, but I don’t think any of us minded it too much. We departed Binion’s and headed across the street to the Golden Nugget, where we poked around on video machines, for which we all know the main purpose is losing money at a slow, measured rate while getting as many free drinks as possible. Then, knowing we had a long awesome night ahead of us, we headed back to the hotel for an hour-and-a-half nap, during which I had a highly exciting dream involving the football game that was on TV. We awoke and got dressed: Matt in a suit, and me in a black cocktail dress, wrap, and high heels (SERIOUSLY). At 7:30, the rest of the group joined us in the pimp room for champagne, and then we headed downstairs to catch our limo.

The driver was Clint, and he had a bluetooth headset grafted to his head. We told him we had reservations at the Venetian at nine, and would like to ride around the strip until then. He drove us down to the Las Vegas sign, parked in a turn lane, took our picture, and then drove us back up and down the strip until ten to 9. We drank champagne and talked a lot about awesome.

We dined at the Pinot Brasserie, and the food was incredible. Our goal was to hit $500 on the bill, but we came up a little short. We met Wendy’s boyfriend, a dude in way-too-tight pants barrelling into the kitchen to pee, who was escorted out shortly thereafter by giggling staff. Katie walked around the bathroom with her pants down, because they were out of toilet paper. We talked too loudly and swore too much, and in short, we were motherfuckin’ classy. As always.

We gambled for a bit at the Venetian, then decided to head back down towards Excalibur to find a bar we could stumble home from sometime the next morning. We stood for what seemed like two weeks in the cab line (more like 20 minutes, but I was wearing 3″ heels). We readjourned at MGM Grand, and wandered around looking for a bar. Eventually, the shoes lost the battle, and Jumi and I walked around the casino barefoot (and saw several other girls doing the same). We finally found the bar I’d remembered as perfect for what we were seeking, and it was. Therefore, we found us some seats at Rouge, and we closed the place down.

All I remember from the walk back across to Excalibur is Jumi loudly insisting that I go right up to the room and take photos of my feet, because we had been walking around inside and outside casinos barefoot (fun fact: casino carpeting has a LOT of wet spots!). She told the same thing to another pair of girls who were walking around shoeless, too. Hahaha. I’m pretty sure that 3am-5am Las Vegas is one of my favorite things ever.

1.14.2007 (day three)

Posted in las vegas #3 on January 15th, 2007 by jenni | No Comments »
Tags: casino, nevada, vegas

On Sunday, we walked up to Aladdin for brunch-buffet, an idea which seemed really great at the time, and even better once we saw the insane variety of food they had there. While the food was indeed excellent, it was all most of us could do to not lie down and nap afterward.

some big-pimpin dude told wendy he liked her prada sunglasses. they’re from superamerica.

Jumi and Matt and I went over to Caesar’s to mostly windowshop in the crazy overpriced stores there, and I actually made it out of Diesel without buying anything. Not too surprisingly, our only purchases came from the Playboy store. We walked up to the Wynn and dedicated ourselves to blowing a few more bucks in the machines while exploiting the beverage service. We discovered there that Steve Wynn mixes much stronger drinks than anyone else we’d yet encountered. We liked Steve a lot.

We hopped a cab back to our hotel, then another limo to the airport, and hung out eating pretzels and watching planes take off from the giant window in the D concourse until Jumi texted, ‘you know the flight’s leaving early, right?’ We hurried to the plane, and laughed about sammiches for at least half of the flight home. Also, I lost at canasta, dammit.

We arrived in the middle of a snowstorm, which made the landing somewhat nervewracking, and the drive home at least four times as long as it should’ve been. I went to bed way too late, cursing the universe for the fact that I was the only one who had to work on Monday. Holy crap, that hurt.

saturday 7.30.2005 to tuesday 8.2.2005

Posted in las vegas #2 on August 3rd, 2005 by jenni | No Comments »
Tags: california, casino, desert, mojave desert, vegas, visiting friends

So here’s the Vegas stuff I have decided to tell you about! The rest you will have to imagine with your twisted little minds, amigos mios.

• It’s not that I didn’t lose the money I gambled, but I took a really really long time doing so on video poker. I make up in luck what I absolutely lack in card-counting ability.
  The people around us didn’t seem as amused by us yelling, “FIVE OF A KIND!!” as we were.
• I don’t think I’ve ever laughed as hard in my life as I did playing Dance Dance Revolution. I was out on the street hopping around like an idiot, trying to devise a communication system based on arcade game dance moves.
• Aerial acrobats are freaky, but still not as freaky as buskers. Or giant clowns.

  

• I screamed my fucking head off on the rollercoaster at New York, New York. LOVED IT.

  

  I also went on the Big Shot on top of the Stratosphere, the thing that catapults you up a pole like you’re going to shoot off the top of the building. I didn’t scream like I wanted to on that, because I was with three drunk fratboys:
  Attendant: Check your pockets for anything loose. Is that a cellphone, man?
  Drunk Fratboy #3: Dude, that’s my DICK!

• Paul took us to tapas at Cafe Ba Ba Reeba at the Fashion Show Mall, which apparently used to be superghetto but is now fantastically equipped with stores like Diesel, Quicksilver (see my Hawaii travel journal for my feelings about surf shops), and Paul Frank (the Julius monkey is way old, but the skully and Wienermobile and pirate shit rocks hard).
  Two things of note:
  1. I’ve never been able to go out for tapas. It’s usually 100% meaty. This was unbelievable. The drinks were just ok, but I’m not complaining because I take 4 sips of a martini and I’m good. to. go. Cheap drunk!
  2. I LOVE PAUL. You don’t realize how much you miss someone until you spend time with them again. We reminisced like a couple of old-timers. He remembered all the stupid jokes we used to have, even some I’d forgotten. It was so awesome to see him again.
• I think we saw all the casinos on the strip except the trashy ones I’d seen before, like the Boardwalk, the Frontier (free bikini mud wrestling!), and the Barbary Coast.

  

  My favorites are the Aladdin (the shopping), Caesar’s (the shopping), the Wynn (the most insanely opulent and miraculously least-tacky), New York New York (the entertainment), Paris (the insane gaudiness), and Mandalay Bay (the restaurants).

  

  MGM struck me as the stupidest, but maybe because I had to walk something like two miles through its vast cavernousness to a Starbucks that was technically right across the street from my hotel.
  Have you ever really noticed casino carpet?

  

• BTW, Americanos cost $4-5 in Las Vegas. Fuckers.
• We had a great view of ass from our room at the Tropicana.

  

  Also, Tom Jones on the giant video screen at MGM. He wasn’t there til next week, though. SIGH.

• Walking around in 100-degree weather after dark is disturbing. It’s fine during the day in the sun. One day we walked from the Tropicana, at the south end of the strip, to the Stratosphere and back. Ouch.
• The Fremont Street Experience would be most excellent if you were totally baked, dude. Otherwise, it’s just bizarre.

  

  I’m a little sad that the cowboy is under that gigantic big-screen-TV-canopy-thing now, too.

• On Monday, we went to rent a convertible. They were out of Mustangs, and only had Sebrings. Shudder. David the Budget Man pointed at the parking lot and said, “What about that one? It’s a V8.”
  “We’ll take it,” I answered.
  Two hours later, Hot Park Ranger Man found us in the middle of the Mojave Desert, our Bright Red 50th Anniversary Edition Thunderbird Convertible parked half on the road, half on the sand, just past a wash-out, with both doors and the trunk open, music blasting, roaming in the scrub looking for scorpions (me) and taking photos of the approaching storm (her).

  

  He said, “I seriously hope you girls are turning around and heading back.” Perhaps we seemed a little unprepared for desert survival?
  Was it the flipflops?
  He hung out for a while and told us the travails of a park ranger, which are basically that he wants them to mark more hiking trails in the park (there are currently two, even though the reserve is something like 90 million square miles of nothingness), and that his job is mainly to keep people from dying in the heat. Which apparently they do at an alarming rate.

  

  It was actually only in the 90s in the desert that day, due to the occasional rain. We wandered not too far from the road on the hiking trail closer to I-15.

  

  

  I spooked jackrabbits and white chipmunks from under fallen Joshua tree branches as I crept up to this broken-down shack at the intersection of the railroad tracks, near the Cima Store (WE ARE OPEN! KNOCK LOUDLY!).

  

  There was rusted sheet metal and old pre-pulltab cans scattered around it for a hundred feet, and a pile of untorched kindling in the middle of the crumbling floor.
  We raced through the desert from Baker, California to Las Vegas, never going under 90. It was so Fear and Loathing, minus the beat-up sun hat.

  

  And the ether.

tue 7.15.2003 (san diego -> las vegas)

Posted in west coast roadtrip on July 30th, 2003 by jenni | No Comments »
Tags: alonetrip, california, casino, desert, mojave desert, nevada, roadtrip, san diego, vegas

I got up at 6:30 and ran to Starbucks before heading out. My car was covered in what could only be described as humidity dust. It was in the mid-60s, but still insanely humid. I got on I-15, going the opposite direction from the rest of the traffic. They were going to work, I was going to Vegas. Suckers.

About halfway to San Bernardino, all the traffic on the interstate had to stop for inspection, even though it was a good 40 miles north of the border. The guard waved me through. I realized that this was a new potential career. Next time I go to Tijuana, I’m loading my trunk with illegal immigrants. So, like, never.

As I drove, I realized I was tired and sore. Not just sore, but sore everywhere. I had gotten used to that state, but it seemed a little more extreme that day.

Las Vegas hadn’t been on my original non-itinerary, because I figured I could get there anytime. However, having just read Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, I kind of wanted to go. Specifically, I wanted to take that drive from Los Angeles, going through Barstow and Baker. It’s a thing. When I realized that I could take that same route heading up from San Diego, it was decided. So I got past Riverside on the way to Barstow, and it was starting to turn into desert. It was about 95 degrees and a steep incline, so I had to turn off the air conditioning to avoid overheating. My car paranoia was already in full swing, based on my track record and the intense heat. I figured that driving through the Mojave Desert would be the biggest test of Chico’s stamina to date. I wasn’t sure I was up to it, either.

I couldn’t take my eyes off the temperature display, which kept climbing upwards. All of a sudden, I was in road construction, on a narrow 2-lane highway with a concrete barrier on my left and a wall of semi trucks on my right. I panicked. I was having trouble seeing. I had to keep reminding myself to just breathe, because I was worried about passing out behind the wheel. Even though I was doing 70, it felt like this slow-motion creep uphill. I had never been so scared; I was convinced that I was going to die alone in the desert.

I think part of the problem was that I had gone from almost 0 to 4000 feet elevation in about 10 minutes. I knew I had had trouble with that before. Also, because of my weird eating habits on the road, I was on a blood sugar rollercoaster. I was honestly freaking out about my safety, so I grabbed my phone and called Heather, and asked her to talk me down. And she did.

When I got to Barstow, I pulled off at a truck stop, like she told me to do. I got out of the car and the backs of my pants were soaked through, dark green stains down the backs of my thighs. I was beyond caring. I went and sat in the bathroom for ten minutes or so, trying to calm down (which was an indication of my mental state, that I would prefer sitting in a truck stop bathroom). I bought a pop and commented to the girl at the counter that my hands were shaking because I was terrified of driving through the desert. She laughed and said that a woman had told her the exact same thing the day before. She asked if I had a cellphone, and told me not to worry, because I would be safe.

I felt a little better, having survived the first leg, and knowing I only had 200 miles to go to Vegas. I ate a banana and felt less shaky, so I got back on the road. Since I was past the big uphills, I turned the air back on. The engine temperature needle hadn’t budged the whole time, so I relaxed a little. I was going to make it to Vegas before 1pm. Apart from the freaking-out part, I liked the desert. I saw Joshua Trees and salt flats where they race cars. I couldn’t believe people lived in Baker, out in the middle of nowhere. I saw Primm, Nevada, one of those cities trying to make itself a mini-Vegas. I saw a huge waterpark complex that had closed, with some of the slides starting to collapse. I came over a rise and saw Vegas, and regretted just a tiny bit that I wasn’t approaching it at night, and seeing the neon. Instead, I saw smog. But, still. It was Vegas!

I called the bellhop at my hotel to find out which exit to take. I went to the north end of the strip, turned at Circus Circus, and I had arrived at my perfect oldschool casino: the Stardust. Home of the Wayne Newton Theater! I walked through the lobby, intending to go ask when check-in time was, but a sign told me I could do so at noon. Awesome. I checked in and ran to the car for my bags. Another cool thing about Vegas: free parking. My room was great, especially since it was so cheap. I grabbed the things-to-do magazine to look up shows, because I really wanted to see something while I was there. I briefly considered Wayne Newton, but then decided against paying so much money for a joke. I finally picked Jubilee!, and called to reserve my ticket. The guy on the phone said, “You know it’s topless, right?” It better be, dude. I hung up and flipped to the dining section of the magazine to examine my options. MGM Grand, featuring no less than 82,000 restaurants, seemed like a safe bet. Plus, it was at the other end of the strip, so I’d be able to see everything in between.

I fixed my hair, changed into something a little less ‘I’m-in-the-car-all-day-so-I-could-give-a-fuck-what-I-look-like’, and headed out. I got probably the best iced coffee ever at the little coffee counter in the lobby, go figure. When I walked out the door, I ran smack into a 115-degree wall.

I started walking. It was fine for two blocks, if a little surprising. After three blocks, my contacts had melted to my eyes. After four, my eyeballs had melted to my brain. All the ice in my coffee had long since melted. The passing buses gave off waves of heat that were physically painful to walk through. The wind was dusty. Thankfully, it was hazy, so the sun didn’t come out very often. I walked as fast as I could, but when I had to stop at intersections, I could feel the heat of the pavement through the soles of my shoes. I had never, ever felt heat like that before. It was miserable.

Also, things in Las Vegas were a lot farther apart than I had expected. I know now that the strip is 3 miles long, and I wish I had known that when I was walking it. However, it was fun to see all the casinos, and I stopped to take lots of pictures. Lots of them had water misters and giant fans set up near their entrances, so those offered a little escape from the heat. Walking past the doors was like torture, though, feeling the air conditioning blasting out into the street.

It took me almost an hour to get to MGM Grand. I had a headache and was feeling fuzzy. I walked in and immediately felt 100% better with the air conditioning, until I realized I was now completely damp and freezing cold. I started following signs pointing to restaurants. Rainforest Cafe? No. Maybe Spago – but it wasn’t open yet. I went past ten places, checking menus. There wasn’t even an attempt to have vegetarian food – even the salads were meaty. I was willing to settle for anything, since it was 2pm and I was hungry, but I could honestly find nothing. I walked the whole length of the casino, which appeared to be about the size of the Mall of America. Then I wandered back to the one restaurant I had intentionally ignored – Emeril’s. I had avoided it for two reasons. First, it was a seafood restaurant. Second, Heather’s deep, burning hatred for Emeril had rubbed off on me. I recalled the time we were driving down St. Charles Avenue in New Orleans, past his restaurant, and Heather spotted him standing in the front window. She let out a string of expletives that surprised even me. So, yeah. We hate Emeril.

They sat me at the back of the restaurant at a table immediately next to another couple, even though the place was almost empty. It was one of those restaurants that tries to act really upscale so you feel funny wearing Old Navy clothes, but then you realize you’re in a casino, it’s tacky by nature, and everyone else there is dressed like crap, too. They pull out the chair and put your napkin in your lap for you (which creeps me the hell out, actually) just so they can justify charging $35 for an entree.

I decided on the portobello-blue cheese burger, but then got suspicious, knowing the tendency towards meat in Vegas. When the server came to take my order, I asked him: it’s just a grilled mushroom, right? No actual burger? He seemed offended, and assured me that it was 100% prime-grade beef. He seemed to be drooling, reveling in its meatiness. I shuddered, and ordered a salad instead. I ate almost the whole basket of bread while I waited. They served me Diet Coke in a champagne flute. The salad was OK, not great. Emeril can go to hell.

The guy at the next table started talking about the food, because they were vegetarian, too. We thought it was funny that they put the vegetarians in the back corner together, probably to make it easier to ridicule us from afar. We exchanged stories – they were from Bermuda, in Las Vegas for their anniversary. They were appalled by the heat, too. We talked about food, travel, and having kids. He and I laughed really hard about Starbucks, and our mutual love of it: it’s not good coffee, but it’s consistent. Wherever you go, it’s exactly the same. He confessed his love for their raisin scone, which he pronounced ‘scoon’. I was charmed.

Just as I was finishing my meal, they started talking about their business: they were Herbalife salespeople. I took this as my cue; I wished them a very happy anniversary, and escaped before they could hit me up.

I stopped at one of the fifty or so Starbucks in the casino, bought coffee, and sat at a table to do the writing I would usually be doing during dinner. It was 4pm, and my show was at 7:30, so I decided that I would wander back towards Bally’s, touring all the casinos in between. Also, I’d try to scope out a place for a very late dinner, because I knew if I ended up looking afterwards, I was just going to be angry.

From MGM Grand, I crossed to New York, New York. It was pretty cool inside, but I got lost trying to get back out the other side. I was hoping to be able to work my way up the strip mostly staying indoors, and out of the hellish heat. No luck; I ended up walking a few blocks outside anyway. I stopped into CVS and bought a giant bottle of painkillers for the pounding headache I had since I had started walking earlier that day (as Heather pointed out, I was dehydrated, and the coffee was just making it worse. Of course, I didn’t realize that at the time). I crossed to the Aladdin and went into the shops entrance. After walking around for a while, I decided that this was my favorite casino. The shops were laid out in a big circle with the casino in the center. I thought that was kind of ingenious, as it allows you to buy souvenirs and window-shop while making your way from one entrance to another, without having to deal with the casino insanity. Also, it’s divided into four sections, each decorated in a different middle-eastern theme. I liked the giant couches for lounging and the simulated thunderstorm, which was mildly entertaining. From there, I went to Paris. It was one of the better casinos, too – the legs of the Eiffel Tower inside the casino were cool. I went into a couple shoppes and used les toilettes.

I was wandering and abruptly found myself in Bally’s, quicker than I had expected. I stopped to pick up my tickets for the show, then decided I needed more coffee, and still had an hour and a half to kill. I crossed to the Bellagio. It was swank, but in that ridiculous Vegas way – so overdone that it’s obscene, and incongruous because all the tourists are still Bob and Ann from Omaha, and Bob is wearing a Hawaiian shirt. The lobby was amazing, and they were piping in flower scent. I was confused about the giant liberty bell, though. Why is it there? Weird. The Bellagio offered me no coffee, nor did Caesar’s Palace, or the Flamingo, or the Barbary Coast (ha). I decided to go back to Paris, because I had passed a coffee shop there where I could sit down for a while. I wound my way through the maze of escalators and moving sidewalks back to Bally’s. I had noticed a trend on this type of public transport, by the way: I radiate impatience. I must, because every time I would be standing behind someone on an escalator or moving sidewalk, they’d turn, look chastened, and move out of the way with a quickness. Sometimes, I was just standing there, being calm and trying not to curse them for being slow, and they could still tell. It’s funny.

I found the patisserie and got an iced latte. I sat and wrote for 10 minutes, then used les toilettes again, and headed over to Bally’s for my showgirls show. I went into the theatre and watched all the funny people finding their seats. As for Jubilee, there’s a lot to be said. If your fetish involves feather plumes, sequins, rhinestones, and impossibly-large hats, this is the show for you. (I was going to add ‘boobs’ to that list, but everybody likes boobs.)

So, the show opens with the big typical showgirl-style revue. There are breasts, and lots of them. Most of them are fake, and too many ribs are poking out beneath them. The men in the show are super-queeny, and it’s hard to buy them singing about how all they want is hundreds and hundreds of girls. The music is cringe-worthy, as is the choreography. All the musical numbers are those montage-style bits, really overdone and cliché. I’d think the show was making fun of itself, but I doubt that was the case.

Act 2 is the Long Twins. They juggle and contort themselves. There’s a too-long section where they wriggle in and out of garbage cans.

Act 3 is Samson and Delilah. In my opinion, this gem should’ve been saved for the finale, it’s that good. All the guys are dressed in leather-and-studs quasi-bondage gear, including those exaggerated banana thongs. When they dance, all I can think of is Party Boy from Jackass. There’s lots of simulated sex that’s supposed to look like dancing. Samson is a huge hunk of a man who stands at the side of the stage and flexes his pecs absently while watching the writhing. After Delilah seduces him and chops off his long, lustrous hair, the scene evolves into this bizarre S&M dungeon-type thing. It ends with Samson re-enacting King Kong – he escapes, knocking shit down and starting things on fire. Then he scales the gigantic bull sculpture, as smoke pours from its angry red nostrils. It starts breaking into pieces and collapsing very, very slowly, with Samson riding it all the way down.

At this point, I couldn’t hide the fact that I was in hysterics. Everyone else there seemed to think it was pretty damn good. When I looked at the program, I noted that the last part was labeled Scene VII – Cataclysm. You got that right.

Next up, act 4 is called ‘Fuzion’. It’s a very athletic, very aryan couple getting into various poses to the beat of German industrial techno. Their strength and balance is impressive. The fact that they’re doing a slo-mo ‘robot’ isn’t.

Act 5 is the Titanic, and it’s the pinnacle of cheesy. I was giggling before it even started. The costumes are terrible. The men wear candy-colored suits with giant white piping. The women have huge, overgrown muffs. (Ha! No, it’s only topless. Really.) They lipsynch really poorly. I was wondering if they were going to show tits again before or after the ship sank. The Titanic’s crewmen are putting on horrifying British accents, saying things like, “I say, old chap,” and “Jolly good.” There’s a song about French lingerie, accompanied by a fashion show (no, I have no idea, either). Then there’s a boiler room gangbang, and after that the ship sinks. And the really funny thing is, it sinks in exactly the same way as the temple fell down vis-a-vis Samson: breaking into pieces, falling slowly into a pit. You know, cataclysm. In the program, the note reads, ‘Nearer my God to Thee.’ Um. What?

Act 6 is Stoyan and Dmitri hanging onto sheets and flying around overhead. It’s not great, since they obviously once had hopes of making the Olympic team on the rings. They failed.

Act 7: The Finale. What can I say? It’s exactly what you would expect. Huge, feathered hats that make up 95% of the total outfit. Lots of boobs. A topless wedding ceremony. Some of the girls appear to have become trapped in chandeliers. There’s even an especially-painful standards revue sandwich: montages of pieces by Cole Porter, then Jerome Kern, then George Gershwin. The montages don’t work very well, because they do two or three lines of every song before moving to the next: it’s Broadway for the short-attention-span crowd. Or more accurately, to satisfy the audience’s belief that they came to see real entertainment, and not just to see a bunch of nipples. So, yeah. The show was over, and we clapped. I applauded the few apparently non-surgically-altered breasts onstage. You can tell by the jiggle, and their unashamed less-than-perfection.

I left Bally’s and headed back toward the Stardust. I cut through the Barbary Coast and Venetian. There were way, way more people in my way at that time of night. I couldn’t believe the number of people out, and the huge variety. It would’ve been excellent people-watching, but I wasn’t in the mood. Also, I quickly became irritated at the amount of drunk ogling. Everyone was drunk. Creepy guys making too much eye contact. I wanted to push my way through just to get away. It seemed to have cooled down a bit outside, maybe even under 100. All the lights were on on the strip, but I wasn’t noticing most of it. I just wanted food and sleep. I wandered through Treasure Island and found nothing, so I went back to the Stardust. It was nearly deserted, totally unlike the casinos farther down the strip. It was actually a relief until I encountered the crowd exiting the Wayne Newton show; they were probably the slowest people I’d encountered yet.

At the Stardust, I found a restaurant with food I could eat. So, of course, they had just closed for cleaning as I got there at 11pm. So I went to Tony Roma’s (Your Place For Ribs). Yeah, I know. It was sheer desperation, and I was determined to find something. That ended up being a side caesar salad and an order of mozzarella sticks. I was sure they would make me sick, but I didn’t care. I was in Vegas, the city where people do really stupid things. After dinner, I dragged my tired ass up to my room, wrote for a very short while, and went to bed, determined to sleep in the next day.

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random notes from my travel journal:

california drivers hate letting people switch lanes. they speed up. assholes.

on mira mesa boulevard, a booth that has everything you could ever want: coffee, smoothies, cigarettes, and lotto tickets.

on the interstate, i saw a dumptruck with the message: happiness is a good dump.

road sign along I-15:
las vegas 76
salt lake city 526

holy crap! i ran out my glacier gateway motel pen! i want to die! moving on to the la hilton pen. ha.

at this point, i’m surprised i’m able to stop walking. it’s all i do lately.

people here walk so fucking slow!! aaargh!

why do i notice the heat on my eyes the most? is it the contacts? it’s bizarre.

the waitress just came up and said, ‘gosh, you write fast!’ ha.

being by yourself in vegas during the day isn’t weird at all. at night, it sucks. it’s the crowds and the drunkenness. you feel like meat. i don’t regret not being out wandering around the strip right now. i’d probably end up throwing punches.

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wed 7.16.2003 (las vegas)

Posted in west coast roadtrip on July 30th, 2003 by jenni | No Comments »
Tags: alonetrip, arizona, casino, hoover dam, museums, nevada, roadtrip, vegas

I tried to sleep in, really. I woke at 6 and forced myself to go back to sleep, but I was up again by 7am. I got coffee and went to my car, which, surprisingly, had not melted into a pool of metal and rubber after sitting in the heat all day. I got on the freeway and headed towards the Hoover Dam. Apparently, Boulder City has some kind of scam going with the state highway department, in which all the tourist traffic is routed right through the center of town.

I got to the dam at 8:45, and it was already 95 degrees. I had to wait in line outside the visitors’ center, which didn’t open until 9, thinking, this is not what i want to be doing. Finally, they let us in, passed us through a metal detector, and sold us tickets. I wanted to go right to the observation deck, but they made me go down and sit through the presentation first. I was cranky. All I wanted was to take some dam pictures and be on my way. I didn’t want to take the dam tour. I sat there, squirming, surrounded by tourist families, thinking, this is not what i want to be doing, either. I did learn a couple fun facts from the presentation, however: first of all, there’s no way a body could be buried in the dam, because of how they poured the concrete (although I choose to adhere to the theory that the mob can do anything it wants, and if it wants a body in the dam, it gets a body in the dam); second, Las Vegas gets none of its power from the Hoover Dam. So there. Some learnin’.

After they herded us cattle out of the presentation corral, I busted out of line and ran up the stairs to the observation deck. Some security guards peered at me suspiciously, but didn’t seem to have the ambition to taser me, so I got to take my photos in peace. After that, I made my way to the gift shop, the most important part of any stupid tourist attraction. I got my dam souvenirs* and was back on my way.

*I’m sorry, dam jokes make my mom laugh every single time I tell them, so I feel obligated.

Also, you may wonder at my bitterness over the Hoover Dam. I don’t know, I guess I’m not that much for public works. I didn’t like having to spend so much time and money to see something that’s basically a punchline.

I got in my car and drove across the dam into Arizona, because I wasn’t positive that I’d be driving through there on the way back, and I’d be mightily pissed if I missed a western state on my road trip. I was there long enough to make a u-turn and go back. I liked that there were clocks on either side of the dam telling us what time it was in the respective states, since Arizona has some sort of conscientious objection to daylight savings. Troublemakers.

I pointed Chico back towards Vegas and marveled at the double layer of haze over the city. There was the normal, white haziness from the heat, and below that, a thick layer of brown smog. Nice. I drove around to the north end of town and exited at Las Vegas Boulevard, so I could drive through downtown. It was all tattoo parlors, bail bonds, and wedding chapels (‘Your wedding broadcast live over the internet FREE!’). The crappy little motels had the best signs I’d ever seen, way better than anything the strip had to offer. I parked at the Stratosphere, and went in and bought a ticket for the tower. I wanted to see Las Vegas from above.

The view was impressive – not as hazy as the pictures seem – but it was painfully hot. I could only stand it for ten minutes, then went inside and down a level to the indoor observation deck. I sat and wrote for a while, then went back downstairs to the casino. The girl running the elevator told me how much it sucked to be a teenager in Las Vegas, because of the strictly-enforced 9pm curfew. She only had 2 months to go to 18, though. Then she could get to topless dancing or waitressing or prostituting or whatever it is that 18-year-old girls do for work in Vegas. I wouldn’t know, but I wished her the best anyway.

I walked from one end of the casino to the other twice. I stopped at the deli and asked about the veggie sandwich. It was cheese with whatever vegetables I wanted, as long as my selection was limited to lettuce, tomato, or onion. I couldn’t get a salad without meat because they were all pre-made. As I pondered the anemic-looking fruit salad, the woman behind the counter pointed out the veggie sandwich again and said, “Well, that’s how we do it when they want it vegetarian!” She seemed angry. I left and headed back to Roxy’s Diner, the 50s-style restaurant, because they at least had grilled cheese. I was so frustrated I wanted to cry (the combination of impatience and low blood sugar is such a bad state for me). I explained my issue to the server, and she said, “Awww, honey. Let me hook you up!” She went back to the kitchen and had them construct a very impressive grilled vegetable sandwich for me. And I loved her for it.

After lunch, I went back to my car and drove down the Strip. I saw a couple drops of water on my windshield and thought it was from a sprayer at a casino. Then I realized it was raining. 110 degrees in the middle of the desert, and it was raining. Also, it was the first time I’d really encountered any adverse weather on my entire trip. I’m lucky that way.

I found my destination about a mile from the strip on Tropicana, near the airport. As I got out of my car, I realized that the rain was doing nothing to affect the heat, it was just making it humid. The drops were drying as quickly as they hit the ground; I was surprised they weren’t hissing. The backs of my pants legs were soaked again, and I got instant chills the second I walked into the Liberace Museum.

The enthusiastic old lady in the black-sequined vest gave me a long speech about my tour options. I decided to forego the audio tour, even though it was a mere $3 extra to hear Liberace speak to me. You see, I’m the high-impact tourist. I try to see as much as possible in as little time. Tours slow me down, informational signs are a distraction. I could be halfway to Salt Lake City and Liberace would still be talking to me. So no audio tour.

The Liberace Museum was kind of great. No, really great. The first building housed his pianos and cars. The cars were incredible. Now, I was lucky enough to have experienced the platinum tour of Graceland, and I can say with absolute authority that The King’s cars had nothing on Liberace’s. They were all either covered à la mirror ball, or decked out in rhinestones. One was red, white, and blue. They were fabulous, and they must have had some kind of souped-up suspension to handle the weight of all that glitz.

[This space reserved for the photos I'd have taken if they'd have let me. You'll just have to visit, I guess.]

The geriatric crew and I meandered through the museum, then exited and followed the Liberace Walk of Fame through the Liberace Strip Mall (gay bar, produce market, Asian grocery, and spaces for rent), to the other end of the Liberace Complex and the rest of the museum. I wasn’t sure why the place was divided in half, but maybe they just didn’t realize how much Liberace they had to show off. I went into the second museum without even having to show my Liberace Hand Stamp, which cleverly concealed my Mt. Rainier bruise. This part of the museum was a roomful of his famous outfits. Yet again, Liberace put Elvis to shame. They were so great. My favorite was the patriotic hotpants ensemble. Also, I saw the world’s largest, purest rhinestone, donated by Swarovski (it’s the store that glows blue at the Mall of America, FYI) especially for the Liberace Museum. It did them proud.

The Liberace Gift Shop didn’t disappoint, either. I bought myself an awesome book about 50s Vegas, and talked to the lady at the counter for almost 20 minutes about the museum and its similarities to Graceland. She hadn’t been, but she wished that the Elvis folks would be as philanthropic as the Liberace Trust, which donates some millions of dollars a year to charity. (Sorry, Heather, I know you love Fat Elvis, but Liberace had a fat stage, too. Give him a chance.)

I called Heather on my way back towards the strip and complained about my food situation. She looked up the address of a vegetarian restaurant that turned out to be a grocery, but that was fine. I was happy. I bought some snacks for the car and protein bars, and chatted with the guy behind the register about the crappy casino dining options. He agreed that it was bad, and asked where I was from. He said that the woman who owns the French Meadow Bakery in Minneapolis (one of my current favorite restaurants) stops in every time she’s in Vegas. Awesome.

I got back to my room at 2:30 and passed out on the bed. I was awakened at 3:30 by a phone call about a job. I looked at my AAA guides for Utah and Colorado, and couldn’t get excited about anything. I wrote in my journal: i think i’m done.

The storm was in full swing at that point, so I sat in the window in tshirt and underwear and watched, waiting for it to let up enough for me to go out again. The wind had picked up, and it was a full-fledged dust storm for about fifteen minutes. I watched dirt-and-trash tornadoes spiraling around the parking lot. It started raining hard. I saw a big metal garbage can (minus the contortionist, thankfully) blow over and slam against a beater car. My car was so far unscathed, but I was keeping an eye on it. I was happy that the humidity dust was getting washed off.

After it stopped raining, I got dressed and headed to Circus Circus. I went up and watched some of the performance. It was kind of a cool setup, and I liked that they put on the show for free, considering some of the crap that people paid to see in that town. I walked around the shops and checked the restaurants, as usual. The one place that looked promising was closed; I was mistaken in my assumption that everything in Vegas was open 24 hours a day. I walked back to the Stardust, and found a long line outside the one cafe I had chosen the night before. Sigh. I waited anyway, and it only took about 10 minutes. They got me in fast because I was willing to sit in the smoking section. I mean, the entire city is like one big smoking section. So why not?

The people behind me in line were from West Virginia. I knew this not because we were chatting, but because they were those kind of people. Questions/statements I overheard, many of them repeated multiple times:

- It’s 7 here, right? Or is that the time in West Virginia?
- Is this the place with the steak and lobster? I don’t want the steak and lobster.
- Is this place open?
- Is this the buffet?
- I don’t want steak and lobster. I would eat it, though.
- That girl is all lit up! Look at that! (Referring to the girl in the lobby selling flashing stuff with LED lights, à la vintage cigarette girl)
- That girl couldn’t go to school like that, though! They’d send her home for distracting other kids. (The ‘girl’ looks to be about 40. Yes, the flashing lights are distracting. Not to mention the mini-tux and fishnets.)
- If I have to eat that steak, it better be done.

I hated them.

The menu was huge. Sandwiches, entrees, a page of Chinese food, appetizers, all-day breakfast. About four viable options for me, none of them great. I decided on nachos and fruit. I rule.

- – - – -

random notes from my travel journal:

casinos at 7am are only slightly less depressing than casinos that are empty at 11pm.

i have suspicions about the bureau of land management. is their only job to sneak onto indian reservations in the middle of the night and steal the land back bit by bit?

i know i’ve said it before, but being vegetarian in las vegas is a fucking nightmare. i was better off in montana.

i got sammich juice all over my face and hands. i am classy to the end.

this is the kind of place where the servers walk around singing 50s tunes. don’t make eye contact. also, it seems to be the seat of some casino rockabilly scene. jay would hate it here.

seeing this weather here is kind of great. i know it’s a pretty rare thing.

even ‘home’ is a disorienting concept at this point. it’ll be weird to not be alone all the time. i wonder if that will feel funny. more disorientation. cool.

i’m starting to suspect that meat is some kind of religion out here.

on the way home, i’ll stop and see some sights if i feel like it, but right now, i don’t feel like it. the grand canyon doesn’t seem like such a big deal at the moment. i’ve had an overdose of natural beauty. and too many crazy cities and crazier people. so awesome, but enough to last me for a while. i kind of want to get back to my routine. it’s funny when you start craving doing dishes and laundry, right?

i feel like i’m calling home too often just for human contact. like i told heather today, i have to remind myself that there are people somewhere who care about me. also, heather is the siegfried to my roy. ha.

i think these nachos have velveeta on them. for christ’s sake.

i hurt all over. the hips aren’t great. my feet are shot, i think. they have blisters and sore spots all over them. i’m surprised it took this long, actually. i’m going to blame the insane heat for that.

i hate when i get cheese on my notebook. how am i going to live without this thing? it’s comforting to me. plus it’s my dining companion. i’ll have the fruit salad, my journal will have the nachos. extra velveeta, please.

you can play keno at the tables here. why, god, why don’t i know how to play keno?

i have to stop hunching my shoulders. i need a massage. i really just want to be in bed with someone. anyone. ha.

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