I woke up early Friday morning despite our late night, because I’m bad at adjusting to time zone changes. That’s always in my favor on the west coast, at least. Matt was still sleeping, so I texted Joe and Missy to see how they were feeling. Joe said that Missy still didn’t feel well and wanted to sleep, but he was going to go wander around. We agreed to meet after I went to pick up coffee for Matt and I at Starbucks.

We walked over to the Mirage, since I’m pretty sure I’d never actually been inside the casino, only at Rhumbar outside. We checked out their awesome sports book, then wandered around til we found a Pai Gow table. Joe hadn’t played before, but he was a quick learner.

Our first dealer didn’t really know much about dealing, either. She kept comparing hands incorrectly, so we’d have to correct her. I hit the bonus with a flush at one point, and she took my cards and called it a push. I told her I had a winner, so she had to call the pit boss over, deal the cards back out, and check. Then she told me I should have alerted her to it. Um, no. That’s not how it works, lady.

Our next dealer was hilarious, but made us really uncomfortable. By then there were two other people at the table, an old Chinese guy and an old lady sitting by Joe. The dealer started telling us (Joe and I… he pretty much ignored the other two) that he was a PhD candidate for some really technical-sounding medical degree, and informed us that everything we were doing there was going to kill us. I agreed, and ordered another cocktail when the server came by. The Chinese man started freaking out that the old lady was blowing smoke in his direction, and the dealer told her that it was going to kill her, and making jokes on that order. I’m not sure if she didn’t hear him or was ignoring him, but it was really incredibly awkward. I’ve had lots of funny dealers in Vegas, but that kind of crossed the line.

Matt showed up after an hour or so, and we decided to cash out. I’d lost $8.50 but gotten two free drinks, so I considered it a win. We went over to look at the sports book, so Matt could explain to Joe how to bet. He did so, and then Matt went to bet. He came back with a free drink coupon that we were both envious of, so I decided to go place my Stanley Cup bet. I did not get a drink coupon, so apparently Matt was special.

(He later theorized that it was because he was betting on a horse race that was about to run, so they assumed you were probably sitting there watching it.)

Missy texted that she was ready for lunch, so we went back to TI, and met up again in the buffet line. Our room came with free buffet coupons that were only usable Friday during the day, so we were set on taking advantage of that.

In addition to the buffet, Matt and I partook in the $4 all-you-can-drink champagne. Seriously. They bring you a coupe of champagne, plus another sizeable juice glass full of it for refills. I assume you could have more if you finished that, but it was only lunchtime and we didn’t want to nap.

The buffet was surprisingly good, and I was glad it wasn’t so extensive that I felt obligated to try everything. They had a sign up about sugar-free desserts, too, so I asked about that. The guy started pointing out options, and then pulled a slice of some chocolate cream pie from a cold drawer. I grabbed that and rushed back to the table, very excited. The two bites of it I had were great; I didn’t want to risk more than that, because I know what they use in those fake sweeteners. They make you an unpleasant person to be around later in the day.

Four more of our friends were arriving later in the afternoon, so one of us had to leave around 5 to go pick them up. Joe volunteered to drive, so we decided to take the car over to the Flamingo, since we were headed there anyway (and of course it was a billion degrees, so we didn’t want Missy to get sick). We drove over there and parked on the top floor of the ramp, thus guaranteeing the car would be as hot as possible when we returned. (We didn’t really have a choice about that part.)

First we went to go see the animals hanging out in their ponds. There were a ton of birds, including flamingoes and pelicans:

After 10 minutes it was hot enough that we couldn’t breathe, so we went to check out the gambling situation. The pai gow tables in the Flamingo were all full, so we wandered over to the side of the building that had been converted to the Margaritaville casino. We found pai gow there, and Matt and I sat down to play with a bunch of old bros who knew each other.

We weren’t doing as well there, so when Joe and Missy came back, Matt and Joe went to play blackjack. I didn’t want to gamble for a bit, and Missy wasn’t feeling great again, so I volunteered to take her back to the hotel. We went back up to the car, and I burned the back of my calf getting in. It was indeed a billion degrees, to the point where it was painful holding onto the steering wheel. The A/C was doing its best, but in the 20 minutes it took me to drop her at TI and drive back to the Flamingo, it was still barely cooling off. I just hiked my skirt all the way up, since I’m all class.

Matt called to say he and Joe were done gambling and had gone to sit outside near Sin City Brewing, by the Flamingo pool entrance. I found them easily at a table with big comfy chairs in the shade, and Matt had a beer waiting for me. Under those conditions, the 112-degree weather was downright pleasant. Joe had half an hour or so to kill before heading to the airport, so we just hung out people-watching on the patio.

The highlight of the people-watching was the security guard pushing a girl up the ramp in a wheelchair. She was so debilitated I thought she had some horrible disease, but when they got closer I realized she was just that drunk and passed out. She was curled up around a beer bucket on her lap to catch the vomit, and she was clearly either headed to the hospital or detox. Holy crap.

Joe left to go to the airport, so Matt and I grabbed some walking beers at Sin City and headed down the strip. The nice thing about walking on that side is that you can mostly stay inside, crossing through casinos. (You can do the same on the other side, but Caesar’s and the Bellagio are built in such a way that you have to walk an extra mile to cut through the building.) We went over to Bally’s to get his picture (as the owner), then played my favorite gigantic slot machine. From there we cut through Paris, then crossed over to Planet Hollywood. We stopped to get drinks at Yolo’s, as per tradition, and planned to take them with us, but then ended up sitting around there for a while. I really like that bar, and have no good reason why (beyond the reasonably-priced build-your-own margaritas).

We grabbed another set of margaritas in go glasses this time, and went over to the PH sports book to see what was going on there. We found a very comfortable couch, so I was happy to hang out there for a while and wait for our friends to be delivered to the hotel.

After a while I started getting “WHERE ARE YOU WHERE ARE WE HAVING DINNER WE’RE HUNGRY OH GOD!” text messages from people. We liked the idea of them coming down to have dinner on the patio at Planet Hollywood, then realized how complicated that might be to arrange: we had four people who didn’t know their way around Vegas, and two of them were staying at the Quad rather than TI. After some debate, Matt and I decided it would just be easier to go back up to meet them and have dinner at Senor Frogs, since we were planning on that already.

We headed out to the street for maximum speed. It was still 110 degrees. We made it in 15 minutes, and I think I dehydrated everything out of my system on that walk, even the margaritas and beer. Holy crap.

We found the six of them waiting outside the restaurant with a buzzer, looking perturbed. I was surprised the place was as crowded as it already was, but you know, Senor Frogs. Finally we went in and got our table for eight (a couple high-tops pushed together). We ordered drinks (with coupons!) and waters, and suddenly everything was fine again. Especially when they came around and made us all stupid balloon hats.

The food was fine, and the place was as entertaining as usual. Toward the end of dinner the staff was up on stage trying to get the crowd on their feet and dancing, so we did that for a while. Next there was the conga line, which we were not too interested in until they told us everyone would have shots poured in their mouths. Well, that’s just the kind of stupid shit I can get behind, so half of us lined up. We were all handed long balloons, and started marching around the restaurant. The shots were red, and the guy pouring them was holding a rag under people’s chins to wipe up the drips. It’s by no means the most sanitary thing we’ve ever done, but that didn’t stop us from getting back in line for a second one.

We got our check after that, and while we were figuring it they started playing the Cupid Shuffle. Wendy, Sarah, Amelia and I ran back to the dance floor to participate, because we can’t not do it. There was a guy trying to hit on Sarah, who’s six months pregnant, and he was so creepy that Wendy had to physically get between them to stop it. There was also a guy so drunk or zoned out that he was doing everything exactly backwards, so that he ended up facing us the entire time.

Oh, Senor Frogs.

When we left, it was nearing time for the show in the lagoon outside TI, so we went out there and lined up for SEXY SIRENS, as they’re called.

The show was something. The sirens were pretty sexy, I guess, but the terribleness of the music and “acting” kind of killed that whole aspect of it. I liked the fire, I guess! And I’m glad we saw it, so none of us have to waste our time with that again.

After the show, we went back inside and found Bill and Katie, who had just arrived on a later flight (and with another car). We decided to walk down to the Quad again to see if we could get a table with one of the awesome celebrity impersonators again, so we all headed off down the strip, cutting through casinos along the way.

When we got there, the tables were all really crowded. We couldn’t find a spot there, but we managed to get a blackjack table over in the main part of the casino instead. Five or six of us sat down to play, and the rest wandered off around the casino. Things started to go awry after a while; Katie was doing really well (and having a great time getting the dealer riled up), but Matt and I were losing way more than we were winning. Once I was down $60 or so, I decided to go win at the bar instead. We went over to the one near the celebrity impersonators and ordered Manhattans, and I hung out talking to Willis until everyone else showed up later. Even Katie ended up losing at that table, so that was not our best gambling experience at all.

We all hung out there at the bar for a while, and some of the group decided they were done for the night. Matt noticed that it was almost midnight, which meant it was about to be my birthday, and decided we should have shots. I didn’t want to get them at that bar, though, because their prices were ridiculous. I suggested we go to Casino Royale instead, because having walked through there before, I knew it was probably the last bastion of low-rent on the strip. Seriously, there’s a Best Western, a Subway, and a Denny’s in the building.

We walked over there, and Matt went to the very busy bar to order. He just asked for some kind of shot from the impatient bartender, so we watched as the guy poured a whole bunch of vodka, then blue on top. Wendy and I cringed. I don’t have a spectacular history with blue drinks. We took the seven of them over to the rest of the group (at the giant Wheel of Fortune), and toasted to my birthday. The shot tasted just like strippers smell!

We headed back toward TI, where we ended up gambling for a while before all heading to bed.

We got an early start Friday morning. Like, 3am early. Since it was the middle of winter, I was dressed in my finest convertible clothing: lightweight hoodie, pants with capri-straps, and wool socks under Keen water shoes. We left our jackets at home, of course!

Our cab arrived at 3:45, which put us at the airport before check-in opened at 4am. There was a long line, but they were efficient. We were able to board our flight right away, and I fell asleep right after take-off. I woke to the beverage cart, and did some knitting on the way to Atlanta.

We arrived in the ATL early (around 8:45am), and watched the ground crew dealing with an overturned baggage cart on the tarmac. We had brunch at the Sam Adams Brewpub, and got on our flight to San Juan a little after 11:00. Our awesome captain, Steve, announced that we had several returning vets from Iraq, which got them a round of applause and free drinks.

It was overcast til we reached the Bahamas, and then it was all ocean and islands and me dying of excitement. After which I fell asleep again, and napped til Turks and Caicos. Really, how often can you say that?

Our plane also had the back-of-seat display. Matt watched ESPN and played video games and trivia (with other people on the plane!), while I contented myself with my knitting and the map that shows you things like altitude, distance to San Juan, and air speed, in both English and Spanish.

We landed early again, got our bags, and hopped in a cab to the Sheraton Old San Juan. We dropped our bags off in the room and took off to see the city. Matt had never been there, and I was very excited to show him around!

I’m not sure how it’s possible to forget how gorgeous San Juan is.

We walked down toward El Morro and the city gate, following the long path around the outside of the island. The feral cats were everywhere, being cute.

I have several pictures of Isla De Cabras from our last visit, just because it’s amazing. What I learned from a very informative plaque is that it used to be a leper colony, too.

San Juan was decorated for Christmas. It was completely incongruous. We kept forgetting about the upcoming holidays!

We wandered up to La Barrachina for dinner, because we needed to visit the place that claims to have invented the pina colada.

I don’t even care if they invented them or not: they were fantastic. As was my mofongo with vegetables.

After dinner, we went to check out El Batey. We knew it was a favorite local dive, known for having the best jukebox on earth. It did not disappoint.

The bartender, Felipe, introduced us to the local rum: Ron de Barrilotos. You can drink it up or on the rocks, but at El Batey, it’s served in small plastic Dixie cups. We met Nicky and her cousin at the bar. Nicky had lived in New England for a long time, but her cousin seemed to not speak much English. He gave Matt a cigar, and the business card of the guy who sold them. Nicky also got us to write our names on the newly-repainted wall, so hopefully they’ll still be there next time we go!

We stayed far too late, of course, because El Batey was our newest favorite bar in the entire universe. Really. And then we made the decision to stop into Senor Frogs, because it was right by our hotel, and of course we had to. Plus they had food.

Two yards and two shots? A terrible idea, and yet that’s just how you do at Senor Frogs. I set myself up for a pretty epic hangover!

Monday, we set out to find out about dune buggy tours. We had a general idea of what we wanted, but the prices were variable, and we had to figure out where to go to get them. We asked at the hotel’s excursion desk, and she told us it was $100, but she could get us a discount if we went to the stupid timeshare presentation. We ducked out posthaste.

We headed up toward the marina area, without a clue about how far it was, or what there really was to see there. We just figured we’d go and see what we saw along the way. We stopped into a grocery store to buy water so we didn’t die of heat, and headed northward.

Matt and the giant futbol

A ways up the road, we saw a little kiosk full of excursion info. A lady called to us from inside, so we decided to go check it out. We asked about dune buggies, and she had 2 tours. One of them was 800 pesos (a little less than $80) for the both of us, was four hours long, started at 2pm, and took us to a tequila factory. We didn’t even have to go see timeshares. SOLD.

She called to make reservations, and told us we’d need our drivers licenses. They were in the safe at the hotel, but we had plenty of time to walk back to get them. We took the brochure and receipt, and headed back toward the grocery store .

We were wandering around the giant market ogling things and generally being amused when I realized that it was close to noon and I wasn’t hungry at all. That was unusual, because I’m on a pretty regular schedule as far as meals. We decided to find food there to bring back with us. I looked at everything they had to offer, and nothing looked good at all. I finally picked out some crunchy toast, for reasons I’m not even clear on. All I know is I was quickly feeling worse and worse; I was shaky, dizzy, and confused. I figured I needed food, but I didn’t want to eat at all.

We checked out and went to the little deli area where they had hot food. I was hoping they’d have something vegetarian, but they didn’t. We sat at a table while Matt ate a sandwich and I drank my water as quickly as possible. I then ate bites of toast, forcing myself to not throw up. It sucked a lot, mostly because I didn’t know what was wrong.

I finally felt OK enough to walk back to the hotel, so we headed that way. In the room, I drank more water and tried to eat. I laid down and realized there was no way I’d be able to get on a dune buggy in an hour. I was pretty convinced I was going to die. Heroically, Matt called the PANTHERS OF THE JUNGLE and had a conversation with them completely in Spanish, because the guy didn’t speak English. He asked if we could change our reservations to the next day, and they said yes. That’s what he was hoping happened, at least!

I tried to nap, and ended up laying there delirious for an hour or so. Eventually I felt well enough to stand up, so I went and sat on the patio with water and trail mix. It was in the mid-80s outside, but I was freezing cold from chills. It was freaking me out a lot.

I started to feel better around 2:30, so we decided to go downstairs, sit near the ocean, and drink some more water. We got beach chairs and hung out for a while, and then decided food was probably a good idea, since I hadn’t had very much of it in the last 24 hours. I really had no urge to eat at all, and the thought of it made me want to gag.

We wandered around the hotel, and couldn’t find anything open. It was siesta time, so most of the shops were closed. We finally realized they served food at the beach bar, so we ordered from there. Matt got tacos al pastor, and I got a cheese pizza. I didn’t care what I ate at that point, I just mostly wanted to start feeling normal again. Being sick on vacation sucks, especially when it prevents you from doing things.

even the hotel food was amazing!

I felt more human after eating some pizza, so we decided to go for a swim. We tried the beach, but the ocean was really rough, and the beach in that area was mostly pebbles. Since we had two perfect pools at the resort, we went for that instead.

Once the sun started to go down around 7:30, we went back to the room for a personal siesta. Then we sat on the balcony, watching the sun set, and Matt decided it was time to try C-ICE. I think he liked it!

After dark, we headed downtown with one destination in mind. Well, after some souvenir shopping for the folks back home, some free tequila shots from a guy who thought he’d sell us a non-timeshare (the dudes who worked there bet a bottle of water on whether Matt was British or not, because he’s perhaps a little pasty white and was wearing a soccer jersey), and after a taxi driver offered him a cab ride, weed, cocaine and pills. I love Mexico.

Also, Matt had to make sure I was feeling up to it. Señor Frog’s? It’s a commitment!

The place was pretty empty when we arrived; there were only a few tables full of people who looked like they’d been there all night. I noticed that at one of them, they were all trashed on Coors Light: the taste of the Rockies. In Mexico? At Señor Frog’s, home of the yard? I guess whatever works.

I still wasn’t hungry, so we ordered The Best Chips and Salsa in the World (that’s what it’s called on their menu, and I have to admit it was spectacular; they even made it at the table), some soup that came with many sides, and some very, very tall beverages. Thankfully, you could get anything in a yard, so I had Cuba Libres, which didn’t make my stomach sad. The balloon artist guy came by and talked to us in very broken English about tattoos and sex; we didn’t understand half of what he said, but he was still hilarious.

Shortly after our drinks arrived, the announcer guy (who was the Mexican version of Pepe from our cruise, so we loved him) got up on a table and announced that we’d be playing music trivia. They’d play short clips from TV shows, and whoever yelled ‘Señor Frogs!’ and answered correctly first would get a free shot. We also had to announce where we were all from, so we were excited to learn that there were other Minnesotans in the house, as well as some Iowans. The Coors folks were from North Carolina.

Matt won one of the rounds, and after a while, they ended up giving the rest of the bottle to the North Carolina people. That was probably a bad idea. Also, Matt did a bacon shot with the little cup of toppings I hadn’t used in my soup.

When the DJ got the music going, and we heard some of our favorite and not-so-favorite hits such as ‘Don’t you Wish your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me’, ‘Get Low’, and ‘You Give Love a Bad Name’, Soulja Boy, and ‘Baby Got Back’. They got people up on stage to dance the Electric Slide, and I kept telling Matt that they had to play the Cupid Shuffle. And then they did, so we danced right at our table.

We almost died when they played ‘Lean Like a Cholo’, which we’d seen on MTV Tres only a few weeks before. On my way to the bathroom, I decided I should see if the DJ took requests. I stopped into the booth while both he and the MC were there, and asked if he could play ‘Rompe’. He looked so shocked that I said, ‘Do you have Daddy Yankee?’ It turns out he was so floored at a white chick asking for reggaeton that he didn’t know what to think. Ha!

The MC said, ‘I hate reggaeton!’ and the DJ told me to ignore him because he was crazy. Once they started playing ‘Rompe’, the MC came up to our table to try to get me to sing it (no thanks!), and tried to explain why he hated reggaeton. It was something to do with how it was more dance music, I think. I asked him what he listened to, and he said American rap. We got into a long discussion about how they don’t really have a big hiphop scene in Mexico. I found that hard to believe, because there’s so much of it focused in the Caribbean.

A huge wedding party from Alberta came in, so they got them all dancing. They held a drinking contest up on stage, and the MC told one of the ladies if she didn’t come up to play, he was going to get Mrs. Reggaeton instead. I almost died. Best title ever!

Right as we were about to leave for the night, we caught a glimpse of Bob and Michelle on the other side of the dance floor. Oh, Señor Frog’s! Everybody loves it. Not just because they gave us free shots before we left with our six yard glasses, either.

Back at the hotel, we found Pancetta the cat waiting for us at the car rental desk. We spent a lot time sitting on the balcony giggling, and then went to bed.

Tuesday, another sunrise! This time in the Cayman Islands.

We had breakfast on deck, watching the ship pull into port. We got down to the Osiris Theatre right away, and ended up with tickets on the first tender boat. Cindi wasn’t feeling well and didn’t want to go to Stingray Sandbar, so she decided to stay on ship and meet us later.

We arrived in George Town, Grand Cayman, around 8:30am. The stores were just opening, so we shopped for souvenirs and postcards. We got coffee next door and sat outside, writing to the suckers back home.

On the way to the post office, we found a bank that dispensed cash in American and Caymanian dollars. I got out $20CI (about $30US) and we went to buy stamps. We split up the remaining cash for souvenirs. We then stopped into another store to look at the duty free liquor, and I nearly died when I saw Big Black Dick Rum. Of course I needed some of that, but they were unable to sell it to us because of duty-free laws: it has to be delivered to the ship directly, and the ship needs to contract with the store. They only had it duty-free, too, so I couldn’t just carry it onto the boat just like I always did with my contraband liquor. SIGH.

big black dick

We wandered around the duty-free mall with the rest of the cruise passengers, noted the location of Señor Frogs for later, then went over to the Tortuga Rum store. They had regular and duty-free booze, so I figured I’d just buy the regular stuff. That is, until we looked at the prices for duty-free. It was all ridiculously cheap, and they had stuff I hadn’t seen in the US.

Duty-free shopping: I have finally seen the light. We made a note of what we needed and headed back to the dock to catch our shuttle to the stingrays.

We met up with the excursion and walked to the shuttle buses. It drove us up and across the island to the North Sound, where we boarded a boat after much confusion amongst the shuttle drivers. We climbed up on top at the front, and we headed out toward Stingray Sandbar. The waves were splashing us way up there and our stuff was soaked, but we didn’t care. It was warm out, and there were stingrays waiting to see us!

heading into the north sound

i love the color of the water.

stingray sandbar

As we dropped anchor, we could see stingrays swimming all over the place. There were 4 or 5 other boats there already, and a bunch of people swimming. In places, the water was only knee-deep. We got some barely-audible instructions about not scaring stingrays lest they kill you, and then we climbed down the steps into the water. It was officially the best day of all time.

they know there’s squid in that bag.

stingray rubbing on wendy’s butt

The photographer told us that kissing a stingray was good luck, so they’d hold one up for us while she took our picture kissing it. I couldn’t have cared less whether that was true or not, I just wanted to kiss a stingray! When I told the guy that, he said, “OK! I’m a stingray!”

old couple kissing a stingray

They had a bag of squid to feed them, so the stingrays were freaking out about the food. They kept rubbing up against us with their wings. I’d be trying to touch one of them, and another would rub up against my butt. Consequently, there was a LOT of screaming and hysterical laughter going on at Stingray Sandbar. It was fantastic. (Here’s a video!)

So was the water. There were huge waves crashing over the sandbar, so it was nearly impossible to stand up. We swam out a little ways and bobbed around, jumping over waves so they wouldn’t knock us down. It took me far too long to learn that I needed to maybe not stand with my back to them, because I kept falling over.

Wendy showed me how to hold a squid (by the EYES), and tuck my thumb in so a stingray wouldn’t suck my hand into his mouth. I wasn’t freaked out by feeding them, but I was not pleased about holding a squid.

wendy holding a stingray

They had snorkel gear on the boat, but it seemed kind of unnecessary. Next time, I’d like to snorkel just so I know what I’m taking pictures of underwater.

Our visit with the stingrays was over way too soon. Sigh.

We were mostly dry by the time we got back to the shuttle buses, so we decided it was unnecessary to go back to the ship to change. We hoped Cindi was there waiting at the appointed spot. Matt and I ended up on a different bus than Wendy and Jumi, and it was clearly the good one: the driver sang to us the whole way back. He got applause after every song, and by the time we arrived in George Town, we were all singing Day-O together. It was awesome.

We went back to the Tortuga store to get rum cakes for the people back home, and place our duty-free order. Matt and I got 18-year Tortuga Rum in a barrel, Flor de Caña Centenario 12-Year, and cachaca so we could make caipirinhas at home. My entire order, including rum cakes and other souvenirs, was $90. SCORE.

While we were checking out, a girl came running in to see if it was too late to place an order. Her ship was leaving at 2:30, which was past the cutoff for their delivery. She proceeded to have a tantrum in the store, to the embarrassment of her friends. Seriously.

Jumi decided to go back to the ship to find Cindi, and Matt and Wendy and I headed off to find the British grocery store. It was nowhere to be found, so we stopped at a convenience store to hunt for things like Lucozade and Go Ahead (the snack from the Bahamas that I’ll be seeking everywhere I go for the rest of my life). Then we headed to Señor Frogs for lunch, and to get started on Cindi’s primary goal of the cruise: to drink a first down. Since she was sick and 10 yards would definitely kill a person anyway, we decided to help.

Our server’s name was Jesus. We ordered yards and food, then decided we needed to do a shot, too (it’s tradition, started way back in Puerto Rico!). We asked him what he preferred. He said, “I like blowjobs!”

wendy looking for cindi and jumi from señor frogs’ balcony

We ate lunch, and Cindi and Jumi finally showed up. They had given us beads before, but when Jesus brought them for the other two, we pretended like we never got any. He brought us all one of each color. We were very proud of our beautiful necklaces.

We had 9 yards in Grand Cayman, which meant we were at 2nd and 1 in Cozumel. Not a problem. When we asked for the tab, Jesus also brought us a round of free shots. They were blue, which scared me. But we all survived, far better than we did the tab, which was in Caymanian dollars, with the US total at the end. Challenge: drink 2 shots and 2 yards and then figure out who owes what. It wasn’t pretty.

We had to hurry back to the dock to catch the tender, and were only sure we made it once we saw the line. We wanted to be on the last one, but had to settle for second-to-last. There was a sign at the gate telling us that we were not allowed to bring weapons on the ship, and it was very explicit. Some of the weapons included sharpened sticks, coshes, and knuckle dusters. This held no end of fascination for us.

On the tender boat, we may have been a little raucous; the dudes in front of us were really amused until Wendy accidentally shouted “CLAPPY PENIS!” It was her special code name for caipirinhas, apparently. As we got back on the ship, we passed a wall lined with Tortuga Rum boxes. Hell yes.

We returned to our cabin to shower off the stingrays and have the best meat locker time ever. We awoke again at 7, and I called the other cabin to see if they were awake. Cindi answered, then hung up on me. Wendy called back shortly afterward. We got dressed and went down to their cabin to partake in Fuzzy Tang (Peachtree and Tang); I had my own version with rum and sugar-free tang in an empty Lucozade bottle.

We got food from the buffet, ate on deck, then went downstairs to the card room to play Oh Hell and Slappy (otherwise known as Egyptian Whiskey Rat Fuck).

Once the show started in Casanova, we went over there to watch. It was Italian night, so the competition was for Mr. Pizza. They had to do things like throw dough around, ‘dance sexy’, and sing ‘O Sole Mio’. The winner was a hysterical old guy from Long Island. Every time we saw him after that, he was wearing his Mr. Pizza sash.

After Mr Pizza, we headed to the club. There was much better hiphop playing (instead of crappy Eurodisco), and slightly more dancing. One of our favorite servers, Jones (his real name was Irwin, I think), was working there. Whenever he brought us receipts to sign, he was using a light-up pen, and this was immensely fascinating. There was a lot of dancing, and I really really did NOT want to leave. But it was 2am, and we had a date with a beach in Honduras the next morning.

Thursday morning arrived far too early. I got up early, showered, and then went right back to bed. We finally got up about 9:30, and told Wendy, Cindi and Jumi that we’d meet them for the excursion at 11. We had breakfast overlooking Cozumel, and noted with some excitement that we were docked right at Señor Frogs.

We got off the boat, and followed the path into town. It requires navigating a mall built expressly for cruise ship patrons, presumably for those too scared to actually enter MEXICO. Haha. We decided to walk down to the giant Mexican flag, and scope out some of the shops.

this never ceased to amuse me.

We stopped into Cozumel Mart (yes, it’s really called that) and I bought the largest bottle of Evian I could find. Between the hangover and the humidity, I was considering laying down on the side of the road and dying. I drank all my water as we headed back to the dock to meet our excursion shuttle, and I soon determined that the heat was a huge plus, re: sweating off the ickiness. I felt totally fine by the time we headed to the bus.

Another girl on our excursion was not so lucky: she had to have them pull the bus over so she could get out and throw up on the side of the road. We’d seen her at the disco the night before. She looked to be in really rough shape.

Our tour leader was James, and he was awesome. He quizzed us about our knowledge of Spanish (“Do you know tequila? Margarita? Dos Equis? Burrito?”) and introduced the driver as Speedy Gonzales. He told us it was a half-hour drive to San Gervasio, but that Speedy would make it in 20 minutes. He was correct!

San Gervasio is a national park containing Mayan ruins, though the site we were visiting was private lands adjoining the area. I was excited to see the ruins, but let’s not pretend: we were really there to ride ATVs. The history was just a bonus.

We sat and watched a safety video, learned how to shift gears on our ATVs, and then they handed out bandanas to wear under our awesome helmets. I also saw a dude carrying a tiny monkey curled in his hand. SO CUTE.

I’d read up on the ATV tour, and people recommended bringing a second bandana to wear over your face, because the trails are really dusty. However, it had just rained, so that wasn’t a problem. We got mud instead!

We drove down the main paths, and got up some decent speed on our ATVs. I loved it a lot. Then we turned off into side-paths, which were all huge rocks and pits full of water. At times, it seemed like we were riding through rivers. Our legs and feet were drenched in muddy water. It was awesome, even though occasionally I felt like my ATV was going to tip over. Matt said I’d be more likely to slide off the seat, so I started worrying about that instead.

We arrived at a temple that was used as an observatory. One of the guides explained the Mayan calendar, which ends in 2012, and covered a bunch of popular end-of-the-world mythology. He also explained that the Mayans were very short, smart, and cute, just like him.

at the observatory

drawing the mayan calendar

dirty feet

my ATV

at the gravesites

The next site we visited was a series of tombs. They said that the main tomb (and the only one that had been excavated) contained a Mayan king wearing a jade mask, which was now in the national museum in Mexico City. The other gravesites were the members of his family, who were all killed when he died, in accordance with Mayan tradition.

tombs

We finished our ride around 2pm, and I was impressed we actually got to spend so much time riding the ATVs. Half of us had blisters on our hands from holding on, and we were all covered in mud. My Adidas were full of water, and made a squishing sound when I walked. Thankfully, I’d brought flipflops in my bag, so I took off my sneakers and carried them instead. They were gross. If you take this excursion and it’s rained recently, don’t wear shoes you want to keep!

happy goats

our atv photos (jumi bought them)

The shuttle took us back into Cozumel, stopping again to let the girl puke on the street. We walked back down to Cozumel Mart to buy tacky souvenirs, because it seemed to have all those bases covered. We even picked up a bottle of absinthe for $11, and a big mesh bag to carry my muddy shoes in. We were an interesting sight, all covered in dirt and wearing matching bandanas.

Once shopping was accomplished, it was time for the important stuff: Señor Frogs. We were still two yards shy of a first down.

The place was in good form despite being mostly empty. There were two women from our ship being pretend-gangbanged by the servers. Everyone was wearing balloon hats. Also, in the women’s room, there’s a drawing of a dude with a flap over his parts; when you lift the flap, an alarm goes off in the bar. I had to do that more than once because it reminded me of the Safe House.

the view from señor frogs!

DIRTY LEGS

my atv blister!

We had yards and food (only half of which we could eat), and Cindi learned dirty words from the server boys (such as ‘chupa mi pito!’). We had a Minneapolis moment when Prince’s When Doves Cry came on (and I was surprised to realize I know all the words). Once we finished eating, Matt and I made a beeline for the swinging bar stools. Could there possibly be a better idea than that?

We hung out on the swings once the tab was settled and Cindi and Jumi headed off to go shopping and return to the ship. Cindi returned a little while later, handed the bartender (Humberto) a 500-peso bill, and asked, “what kind of shot can I get with this?” He brought her Cuervo. GAG.

Matt and Wendy and I had better-quality tequila, talked to the bartender about Mexican futbol (the local teams are the Orioles de Cozumel and the Hurricanes de Cancun) , and spent far too much time messing with Wendy’s balloon hat. That’s because it was a giant green penis complete with balls and, uh, a white string hanging off the end.

We waited til the last possible moment, then headed for the ship. We could see it from where we were sitting, and were pretty much experts at arriving there late anyway. We learned that in the Bahamas. And St Thomas. And maybe Puerto Rico; I don’t exactly remember that.

sunset in cozumel

wendy’s italian friend with the awesome hair (in the balloon hat)

this picture sums up the cruise:
wendy holding a yard and penis balloon, yelling “I LOVE AMERICA!!!” in front of the coast guard ship.

my bag full of yard glasses, filthy shoes, and awesome souvenirs

Re-boarding the ship, they didn’t even bother putting my bag through the scanner, because the yard glasses would’ve spilled all over the place. To those of you who are warned repeatedly about sneaking liquor and other contraband onto cruise ships: I’ve heard they’ll confiscate it on other boats, but Costa couldn’t care less. I guess that means you should probably just take Costa cruises from now on. You’ll love it, I promise.

I washed my shoes out in the shower, and couldn’t believe how dirty they were. I stuck the showerhead inside them and let it run for a long time, but the water never came out clear. We put our shoes out on the balcony, hoping they’d dry in the sun. Matt also took a picture of me standing naked on the balcony, but that will thankfully not be posted on this here internet. Nobody saw me but him and the pilot boat! I hope.

matt’s shoes

Cindi called me with a quote from Wendy: “Write this in your little notebook! I’m dirty and drunk and I have a big green dick!” Wendy then apparently got in the shower, singing to herself and laughing the whole time. We showered and sat outside in towels, watching the sun set. Once it was dark, we had a very important life goal to achieve: gettin’ it on on the balcony of a cruise ship, overlooking the ocean. Rating: A+++ WOULD DO AGAIN.

We had meat locker time til 8:30, then got up to eat. Everything was closed but the pizza station, where we learned a little-known fact: instead of picking up whatever they have at the buffet, you can order your own pizza. They were way better than the buffet stuff, too. We had dessert out on the back deck, which is where we found Jumi. She said that Cindi and Wendy were still sleeping. We went down to the card room to play Phase 10.

The show in Casanova started at 11, and it was called “Rock ‘n Roll Couple.” It was in the style of all the previous shows, with dancing and goofy games. My favorite part was when they had the balloon game we’d seen last time as part of Sexy Games. I was sad that Wendy missed it, but she and Cindi seemed really, really dedicated to sleeping. And we couldn’t really argue with that, since we were all worn out. Though it was Sexy Night at the disco, we decided to pass and head to bed. Because of the time change, it was already 2am anyway.

We got up at 10 and had breakfast at our usual table, which was against the window so we could see the ocean. There were birds diving into the water, fishing, so we stood and watched them for a long time.

We sat out on the deck reading in the sun until it started to rain, then went to play canasta in the card room. There was a big group of old people from Long Island in there, arguing loudly. Since it was close enough to noon, we decided to have some drinks. Wendy set out on a mission to consume everything on the cocktail menu. It was substantial, so we all pitched in.

As we were eating lunch, we started to see land. We went up to the top deck to watch the approach to Puerto Rico, and then ran to our cabin to grab our things and line up for our first stop in San Juan. It was very exciting, and we were prepared.

san juan, puerto rico

We got off the boat around 4:30, after standing in line for almost half an hour. They were handing out ponchos as we left, even though it had stopped raining. In the customs building (where we expected to have to show our passports or something, but no), we were handed free samples of Bacardi, and a million flyers for local services.

We got our bearings and set off up the hill to San Cristobal. We couldn’t actually go into the fort, because there was a long line of army trucks exiting, but we walked around the back of it to overlook the ocean. It was gorgeous. I took approximately 10,000 photos.

san cristobal

We walked along Boulevard Del Valle toward El Morro, following my map. I loved the colors of the buildings, and the overlook from the city wall.

off boulevard del valle

mercado street

We got to El Morro just as San Felipe castle was closing, but that was fine; we wanted to cover as much ground as possible before it got dark. We took seats on some rocks near the castle and watched the sun set over the ocean.

Grateful for the fact that domestic rates still applied in Puerto Rico, I called Matt. I missed him a lot. Also, I give props to Wendy and Stephanie, who had to hear about how much I missed him at least a million times over the course of that week. They were very nice about it.

We headed back toward old San Juan, stopping to see the city gate and the cathedral. There were wild cats wandering everywhere.

plazuela de rogativa

the moon and san juan cathedral

Once it got dark, we decided to find dinner. There were a couple recommendations in our guide, so we walked to both of them and found them closed. We wandered all over the place looking, and were kind of dying of hunger. Before stopping, we ran into a liquor store and I picked up a couple bottles of rum to bring home.

We decided on a place called Lupi’s, which had Mexican food and a sports-bar atmosphere. We had amazing margaritas and tostones (on the menu as ‘plantain nachos’). For dinner, I had enchiladas, and I asked the bartender what the best rum in Puerto Rico was. He said it was Don Q, and made me the best Cuba Libre ever. After eating, we scooted down the bar to play Naked Ladies (you may know this as ‘Erotic Photo Hunt’ on Megatouch machines). We couldn’t have been more excited to find it in a bar in the Caribbean, and the dudes sitting along the wall behind us were quite amused.

After dinner, we headed to the destination toward which we’re inexplicably drawn: Señor Frog’s. Wendy had never been there, after all.

They had a slightly different drink policy than other Señor Frog’s: instead of having a pre-set selection of drinks in yard glasses, you could get anything you wanted. Premium liquors ran $17.50 a yard. It was like Christmas!! We took full advantage; I had a Cuba Libre with Diet Coke, Stephanie had a Long Island, and Wendy had a scary-looking fruity thing. We had Frog Legs shots, then something blue. Behind the bar, they were having contests for free shots. It was typical Señor Frog’s, which is to say: awesome.

Debating whether to order another round, Wendy announced, “hey, we’re not driving! Captain Giuseppe is!” We ordered, then asked our server if it was ok to bring drinks outside in San Juan. She told us sure, that anything goes! I told her I loved her. On the way out, though, the doorman told us no, we had to drink them inside. We sat near the entrance finishing our yards as the DJ played Sexyback. We loved Puerto Rico a lot.

no black men in the water.

We headed back toward the ship, stopping at a mailbox to drop off postcards. I may have been somewhat drunk, as I kept asking Wendy if we’d mailed our postcards yet, even though we’d just done so. When we got near the dock, Stephanie said, “what’s that thing floating in the water?” I yelled, “THERE’S A BLACK MAN IN THE WATER???” I may never live that down.

We boarded the ship, and had to show our passports to the security guards. I was nervous because I had bottles of liquor in my bag, and they’re supposed to take them and keep them for us until we returned to the US. They didn’t say a thing while xraying our bags, though, and they were amused by our collection of yard glasses. We staggered to our cabin, and didn’t even hear the boat’s giant whistle leaving port.

Saturday morning, we got up early specifically to play shuffleboard. The sports office was only open for a few hours a day. Several of the staff members were playing a miniature version of soccer in the basketball court, and it was awesome to watch.

We didn’t actually know how to play shuffleboard, but that didn’t stop us. It was one of our goals. In the picture above, Wendy is sliding around on two of the disks. I think we all won!

We could see the Bahamas by 10:30am. It was extra exciting to be arriving there, because Stephanie and I had been there before. We had very important destinations in mind. We stood and watched the ship pull into the massive port in Nassau, then ran to get our stuff.

In our cabin, we found toga materials, too:

We took a water taxi over to Paradise Island first thing, because we knew exactly where we needed to have lunch: Bimini Road. We’d eaten there before, and it instantly became one of my favorite restaurants.

Our water taxi had an additional passenger. He was Felix Morley, freelance tour guide. As we rode across the bay, he pointed out things like Nicholas Cage’s house and the Lloyd’s compound. He had stories about everything, and it was pretty fascinating. We tipped him as we got off the boat.

We walked past the giant yachts at the marina, and took up spots at the outside bar at Bimini Road. I had one of their awesome orange mojitos. A creepy dude down the bar started going on and on about how great their mojitos were, because he’d had them all. I believed him. Also, Wendy finally got to have a Kalik, the beer of the Bahamas! (There’s plenty more about Kalik and its biggest fan, Gilbert, in my first Bahamas travel journal.)

On the way out, we had our server put our drinks into to-go cups. I LOVE THE BAHAMAS. We walked over to Atlantis, to wander around the casino and see the lagoons behind it. We bought some souvenirs and wandered through the shops. In the bathroom, Wendy declared her excitement at the fact that she was walking around carrying her drink with her anywhere she wanted.

We took the water taxi back over to Nassau, and Felix Morley, freelance tour guide, was on the boat with us again. We heard the same exact spiel, only backwards, and it was nowhere near as entertaining the second time. Also, the memory card on my camera died, and I thought I lost a ton of pictures. Luckily, I was able to recover them when I got home. Thanks, internet!

We went through the straw market, which was disappointingly lacking in heckling (that’s actually a plus), and walked down to see the parliament building and and our very favorite sign, the one about ya tings. Wendy bought a $1 flute from some kids selling them in the street; it ended up being the best souvenir ever.

straw market

bahamian parliament building

Then we had to pay a visit to the little grocery store we’d been to the first time in Nassau, so I could stock up on Go Ahead. I can’t get them in the US, and they’re the best thing ever. I asked the cashier to please not laugh at me as I purchased 8 packages of them.

And then? It was time for our most important mission of all: Señor Frogs.

We got our yards, and sat there watching drunk girls dancing. It was pretty spectacular. As at the other place, they had games on the dance floor for free shots, even though the people dancing didn’t really need them. I have an awesome picture of a girl squatting down so far you can see her buttcrack; it’s my most-viewed photo on Flickr. Ha!

And just as before, we got to hear Sexyback. Oh, Señor Frogs, I cannot wait to see you again in Cozumel. And Grand Cayman.

wendy and her flute

After a yard plus something between 1/2 and 1 additional yard (none of us remember), we headed back toward the ship, very close to the cutoff time. Outside the bar, we ran into Brad and Jamie again. They were on another mission, and headed into Señor Frogs. We were a little concerned, since we only had a few minutes to get back to the ship.

finishing the yard

We got back on the ship and opened the door to our cabin so we could watch the final people boarding. Stephanie was convinced that Brad and Jamie weren’t going to make it back, and the ship would leave without them. Wendy decided to use her flute to lure them back. She hung out the window whistling loudly, to the vast annoyance of the people making out on the balcony below us.

Once we settled down, it was time to pack. Sigh. Suitcases had to be left outside our cabin doors that night, and we could pick them up the following morning at customs.

We went to go play canasta, and confused the hell out of Casanova when we ordered water and Coke to drink, instead of cocktails. We had dinner out on the back patio, and could see several other cruise ships on the horizon. There was a full moon, so the ocean was very bright that night.

We returned to our cabin to put on our togas and head to the Osiris Theatre for the passenger talent show. They did it in a Roman-forum sort of way, with the staff as Caesar and his court, voting thumbs up-or-down on performances. Most of them were pretty boring or terrible, and we could tell there were some passengers who did this kind of thing a lot. The best part, though, was when a woman came up and sang the love theme from Titanic. Um, WHAT? The staff acted out scenes from the movie behind her, including a lot of drowning. It was hysterical.

We went back to our cabins to finish packing, and hauled our suitcases outside. We had to keep our toiletries and a change of clothes with us, obviously, but otherwise we were ready to leave the ship. SAD.

Saturday morning, we got up and walked downtown. We got coffee, and since breakfast food is hard to find, we stopped into the supermarket. I got a banana and some apple-and-sultana-filled crackers called ‘Go Ahead’ that I ended up buying a ton more of and bringing home. YUM.

straw market

We braved the straw market, which even without a hundred tourists inside was chaotically crowded. It was the typical souvenir schlock, but there’s always something charming about the constant pestering to stop and look, the ‘baby’, ‘honey’, and ‘beautiful’. I found a big straw bag to tote my hoodie and travel guide around in, and offered the boothkeeper $8 for it. I didn’t realize til later what an awesome beach bag it is, too.

carving a parrot

We shopped up and down Bay Street, then walked all the way down to East Bay, about a mile from downtown. We went down under the Paradise Island bridge to Potter’s Cay, a market made up of booths selling seafood and produce. The mail boats make their deliveries down at the end of the dock, so the items for sale at the market are truly fresh off the boat. Apparently, most of the restaurants buy their supplies there.

fresh conch: this guy asked for a hug for this photo

Their most popular item is conch. You can get conch in endless forms everywhere in Nassau, and several of the booths were serving it at picnic tables out front. We looked at all the booths and headed towards the East Bay side of the bridge, looking at the harbor.

this thing goes in the ocean?

A couple blocks down, we reached our destination: the Poop Deck. Yes, we totally went there because the name made us laugh every time we said it. And also because it got good ratings in the travel guide.

the poop deck

We got there at 11:40, and the guy there told us they didn’t serve lunch til noon. We asked if we could hang out, so we ordered drinks and waited. The restaurant looked out on the harbor and Paradise Island.

kalik: the beer of the bahamas

We ate a small lunch, because there wasn’t much on the menu that wasn’t seafood. I had a coffee with rum, because I’m still nostalgic about comfort coffee in Prague. We left the place giggling and headed back towards the bridge. Because we’re hardcore, we had decided to cross to Paradise Island (PI, for those in the know) on foot.

look hard at this photo to see a sunken ship, a sinking ship, and a bunch of cruise ships docked at port.

paradise island bridge with the famous mail boat

paradise island from the bridge

We headed east on Paradise Island, towards the portion that was not part of Atlantis. I was glad that the map’s scale was a little off, or we wouldn’t have walked it in the heat; it was quite a ways further to our destination than I expected. We passed the entrance to the only public beach on the little island, and headed up towards the One & Only Resort, which hosts the Versailles Gardens.

the cloister

At the top of the hill at the south end of the gardens lies the Cloister. It was imported piece by piece from France in the 1920s by William Randolph Hearst, but not reassembled until it was purchased by the A&P heir and placed on that site. They didn’t have any instructions for putting it back together, so they guessed.

the cloister

It was a remarkably serene and beautiful place, and seemed so in a more authentic way than the rest of the island. Everything else there is so manicured and well-maintained, it has an air of unnaturalness to it. Some people enjoy the luxury and exlusiveness of those fancy resorts, but I am not one of them. I like authenticity.

harbor from the cloister

We walked down through the Versailles gardens, which reminded me a lot of some of the gardens near Lake Harriet, only much more over-the-top. Some of the statues were beautiful, and they were all very different from one another.

water lily

in versailles gardens

versailles gardens with cloister

um, fdr.

We tried to cut through the One & Only Resort, but were denied. We went back to the main road, and turned at the public beach sign. Near the entrance was a neverending line of taxis, and a woman directing us to the beach. The path was lined with cotton trees, covered in puffs of cotton.

public beach on paradise island

We didn’t have our beach stuff with us, so we didn’t spend much time there. The waves were even higher than they were the previous day on Rose Island. There was a huge crowd of college kids sitting on the steps to the beach bar.

We walked over to Atlantis, this time to actually see the resort, since everyone makes such a big deal of it. It’s very much like one of the fancier Vegas casinos, Caesar’s Palace or the Bellagio. I wanted to get a peek at the beach there, but it’s nearly impossible to get anywhere on the beach side of the complex without proof you’re a guest. We had the sense that we’d be thrown in the brig if we tried to slip past security.

yachts parked in the marina

We went back down to Marina Village to cool off and relax. We had been in the sun for several hours, and were feeling it. Stephanie got ice cream, and I got iced coffee. We sat outside on the wall and watched the passers-by, gawking at the insanely hootchie outfits on some of the women. Again, I was reminded of how much Atlantis is like a Disney property: it’s totally perfect and clean. Bright colors, friendly staff, the smell of a lot of money. Considering the conditions in Nassau, it’s kind of ridiculous. It’s like it’s there to shelter people from the reality of a poor place.

We walked around the outside of the building, and ended up back in the casino. We headed out the other side towards the beach. Finally, we saw it. They had a huge complex set up, but of course it was just for guests. The rest of us could walk along the balcony and peer at it, however.

the lagoon at atlantis

While we were standing there taking photos, a woman came up and poked at my arm. She asked, “Are those yours or henna?” I said they were mine. She launched into a monologue about all the great tattoos she’d seen there on the island. She was drunk off her ass, and amusing as hell, as was her husband, Curtis.

We were expressing some frustration over not being able to get nearer to see the beach, so they assured us that there was a way to do it if you knew how. They had managed to sneak onto the beach earlier in the day. They set off with us in tow, following the balcony towards the far end. Along the way, we saw a guy feeding the huge fish in one of their several aquariums.

atlantis: the bridge-like room costs $2,500/night. minimum 4-night stay.

It soon became apparent that Curtis and Jess really had no idea where they were going (even though they were convinced they knew). We didn’t mind, because they were fun to talk to. We walked up and down, and finally it occurred to them that they had probably come into Atlantis from the beach itself, walking down from the public area. It was time for them to head back to their cruise ship, so we said goodbye.

We wandered around Atlantis a while longer, then decided to catch the ferry back to Nassau so we didn’t have to pay for a cab again. The ferry only costs $3 each way, and it’s awesome to be out in the harbor with the cruise ships.

cruise ships

They crowded as many people on the little ferry as possible, and everything seemed a little rickety. I had the seat closest to the back (the stern, duh) so I could take photos as we left. I leaned back against the railing to turn around, and it gave. It was held onto a post by twine. Thankfully, I did not fall off a ferry boat into the ocean.

nassau waterfront

straw market with cruise-people

The big cruise ship days in Nassau are Tuesday and Saturday, so the straw market was mobbed when we reached the dock. As we had several times already, we walked past Señor Frog’s, the notorious spring break bar originally from Mexico, and I asked Stephanie jokingly if we were going there for dinner. She yelled NO again, as always.

We walked back to the hotel and got our beach-stuff so we could enjoy the last bit of sun before the clouds came in. We sat on the beach across the street from our hotel and watched cruise ships leaving port. We gaped in disbelief as this monster of a ship backed out and did a 180 in what seemed to be a way-too-small harbor. It followed the pilot boat out into the ocean, and was on its way. We decided we really needed to take a short cruise sometime, because places like the Bahamas seem especially geared towards that kind of vacation. The hair-braiding woman came over to offer her services just like she’d already done four times since we arrived. We again declined. Someone tried to sell us timeshares, just like they’d already done. We got out of it by telling him we were leaving the next day.

We went back to the hotel and perused our guide, looking for dinner options. We didn’t really want to take a taxi again, lest we encounter Gilbert, nor did we want to pay the $20 to get to PI and back, since we’d just come from there. The British Colonial Hilton was nice but boring, and the several restaurants along Bay Street were primarily seafood or take-out. I said, “So, it’s Señor Frog’s, then?” She didn’t think I was serious. She should’ve known better, since we have a longtime history with this kind of thing: ‘Want to go to THAT tacky tourist restaurant?’ Joke about it 50 times, and all of a sudden you HAVE to go, just because you’ve talked about it so damn much.

we know how to party.

Oh, we made the most of our visit to Señor Frog’s. We ordered normal-sized drinks, but they arrived in yards anyway. We watched a bunch of drunk 19-year-olds dancing on tables near the bar, and girls with the worst voices ever singing karaoke just to get free shots. We ate bad Mexican food that somehow tasted really good. I went to the bathroom at least three times, and the last time I opened the stall door to find the janitor standing there with a mop and bucket. He said, “Oh, sorry, baby.” No problem, dude. I’m kicking it tacky-tourist-style at Señor Frog’s!

We laughed our way out of the place, me clutching most of my second yard of whatever it was. We walked back to the hotel, and met a guy along the way who asked us the usual questions. I suppose I felt some apprehension for a minute: drunk American chicks walking alone along a beach in Nassau. But he was friendly and wished us a good trip home. My drink went into the trash can in the hotel untouched, although I offered it to Stephanie (from the trash can) several times and SHE WOULDN’T DRINK IT. I loudly proclaimed from the bathroom that I was having the best pee of my life, and then I very soon after collapsed into bed.