Joe and I left work around 1pm, and headed home to meet Matt and Missy at our house. The plan was to carpool to the parking at Terminal 2, since that was cheaper than getting cabs. As we pulled up, I saw a man out front of the house standing outside his Jaguar, and said something to Joe about why the hell he’d be parking in front of our house.

It never occurred to me that he was our ride, because Wendy had bought me a fancy-ass ride to the airport for my birthday. SURPRISE!

I changed into a dress before we left, because the plan was to not wear pants all weekend. It was supposed to be 110 degrees in Vegas the whole time we were there. We grabbed our bags, Kyle (our driver) put them in the trunk, and we rode in style to the airport. I rode in the most style, because I got the front seat and the three of them had to take the back.

The line at security needled me because we were flying Sun Country and therefore couldn’t use our Pre-Check privileges. We finally got through the scanners and into the terminal with enough time to have a pre-flight drink, so we went to Barrio. It’s fairly new to terminal 2, and a very welcome addition to the previous selection of one bar, called something like Grandaddy’s.

After our round of drinks (containing both tequila and absinthe), we headed to the gate. Sun Country’s convoluted boarding process meant that we got on last, which usually doesn’t bother me, but Missy had a roller bag. That turned out to not be a huge issue, though, because the flight wasn’t totally full. We left the gate ahead of schedule, and had a fairly uneventful journey until we hit turbulence coming into Vegas. Joe and Missy, who are infrequent fliers, didn’t take that especially well, and looked a little pale when we finally landed. Early!

We got on the shuttle to the rental car center, which usually only takes about five minutes. Since we were at Terminal 3, though, it took much longer and managed to hit traffic on the way. We finally got there, and I waited in line at Budget for way too long. Our agent was awesome, though, and we ended up with a very comfortable Nissan Maxima. We found it in the lot, cranked the A/C to SUPERULTRAMAX, and got on the freeway.

Our first stop was critically important: In-and-Out Burger. Sadly, Joe wasn’t feeling well enough to eat his (he thought maybe the tequila and absinthe had something to do with it), but the rest of us enjoyed it. We hopped back in the car, drove to the parking garage at Treasure Island, and ditched the vehicle for the night.

By the time we were in line at check-in, it was pretty clear that we’d have to hurry to be on time for our plans. We had tickets to Absinthe at Caesar’s Palace at 8pm, and it was going to take a bit to walk down there. We hurried to our rooms to change (while I was already in a dress, I was wearing a fancier dress for our first night), and then met back downstairs in the lobby. We headed out onto the strip, where it was approximately four billion degrees.

It’s only a couple of Vegas blocks to Caesar’s, but that’s really far in the heat. When we got to the driveway we turned in toward the casino, and that ended up being the long way; Absinthe is in a tent on the plaza, and we had to make a loop around the fountains to get there. We FINALLY arrived just a few minutes before the show. Matt and I got beers at the bar, as well as waters for our suffering friends, and were led to our TINY TINY wooden seats. We were more crammed together there than on any airplane, and we hadn’t come close to cooling off yet.

The show was great, however. It’s a mixture of burlesque, acrobatics, and dirty jokes, set inside a side-show-like tent decorated to look like the steampunk apocalypse. The acrobatics were incredible, and since there are fewer than 10 rows of seats, you’re really close to everything. The burlesque was awesome, too, though the manic announcer lady telling dirty jokes started to get really old after a while. It’s not really shocking after hearing the same thing 40 times.

Missy was having trouble recovering from the shock of the heat, so they left the show midway through and took a cab back to the hotel. I was worried that she hated it, but later she said that she was having a good time, she just felt terrible. That sucked.

The show was just shy of 90 minutes long. Matt and I exited the tent into the heat, stopped at the bar for a beer, and headed back in the direction of our hotel. We had dinner reservations at 10 at the Encore, and it seemed unlikely we’d be able to make it in that amount of time.

We made it inside the Wynn with ten minutes to spare, and were shocked to realize that it’s nearly impossible to walk across an entire casino (let alone two!) in 10 minutes. I felt bad that we were arriving a little late and with only half our party, but they didn’t seem to care much; the place was nearly empty by 10pm.

Sinatra was great. It’s very fancy, so I’m glad we were well-dressed. At one of the tables nearby, they were having a wine tasting: the entire table was covered in bottles and glasses, and the sommelier seemed to have a permanent post there. One of the reasons we’d picked the place is that because Steve Wynn is vegan, he insists that the restaurants there all offer vegetarian and vegan menus. That’s still pretty rare for Vegas.

We ordered cocktails and a caprese salad to start, and then I got agnoletti with butternut squash and sage. Matt had Frank’s spaghetti and clams. There was a giant bread basket, too, with breadstick spirals that I want to eat all the time. Our server tried to push dessert on us, but there was no way that was happening. She brought little candies with the check, and that was plenty.

We worked our way back down the strip, with gambling in mind. I wanted to play Pai Gow, but we couldn’t find any open tables along the way. We finally ended up at the Quad, which is the former Imperial Palace in its half-renovated state. We were thrilled to see that they kept the celebrity impersonator dealers, because they rule. We found a totally empty blackjack table hosted by Donna Summer, and sat down to play. We did very well, and she gave us a pound with her very dangerous-looking rings every time we won.

Somewhere after 2am, we headed back to TI. We stopped at the bar to get Manhattans, and took them up to our room. We weren’t really sleepy yet, so we hung out in bed drinking. That’s just how you do in Vegas.

I woke up early Friday morning despite our late night, because I’m bad at adjusting to time zone changes. That’s always in my favor on the west coast, at least. Matt was still sleeping, so I texted Joe and Missy to see how they were feeling. Joe said that Missy still didn’t feel well and wanted to sleep, but he was going to go wander around. We agreed to meet after I went to pick up coffee for Matt and I at Starbucks.

We walked over to the Mirage, since I’m pretty sure I’d never actually been inside the casino, only at Rhumbar outside. We checked out their awesome sports book, then wandered around til we found a Pai Gow table. Joe hadn’t played before, but he was a quick learner.

Our first dealer didn’t really know much about dealing, either. She kept comparing hands incorrectly, so we’d have to correct her. I hit the bonus with a flush at one point, and she took my cards and called it a push. I told her I had a winner, so she had to call the pit boss over, deal the cards back out, and check. Then she told me I should have alerted her to it. Um, no. That’s not how it works, lady.

Our next dealer was hilarious, but made us really uncomfortable. By then there were two other people at the table, an old Chinese guy and an old lady sitting by Joe. The dealer started telling us (Joe and I… he pretty much ignored the other two) that he was a PhD candidate for some really technical-sounding medical degree, and informed us that everything we were doing there was going to kill us. I agreed, and ordered another cocktail when the server came by. The Chinese man started freaking out that the old lady was blowing smoke in his direction, and the dealer told her that it was going to kill her, and making jokes on that order. I’m not sure if she didn’t hear him or was ignoring him, but it was really incredibly awkward. I’ve had lots of funny dealers in Vegas, but that kind of crossed the line.

Matt showed up after an hour or so, and we decided to cash out. I’d lost $8.50 but gotten two free drinks, so I considered it a win. We went over to look at the sports book, so Matt could explain to Joe how to bet. He did so, and then Matt went to bet. He came back with a free drink coupon that we were both envious of, so I decided to go place my Stanley Cup bet. I did not get a drink coupon, so apparently Matt was special.

(He later theorized that it was because he was betting on a horse race that was about to run, so they assumed you were probably sitting there watching it.)

Missy texted that she was ready for lunch, so we went back to TI, and met up again in the buffet line. Our room came with free buffet coupons that were only usable Friday during the day, so we were set on taking advantage of that.

In addition to the buffet, Matt and I partook in the $4 all-you-can-drink champagne. Seriously. They bring you a coupe of champagne, plus another sizeable juice glass full of it for refills. I assume you could have more if you finished that, but it was only lunchtime and we didn’t want to nap.

The buffet was surprisingly good, and I was glad it wasn’t so extensive that I felt obligated to try everything. They had a sign up about sugar-free desserts, too, so I asked about that. The guy started pointing out options, and then pulled a slice of some chocolate cream pie from a cold drawer. I grabbed that and rushed back to the table, very excited. The two bites of it I had were great; I didn’t want to risk more than that, because I know what they use in those fake sweeteners. They make you an unpleasant person to be around later in the day.

Four more of our friends were arriving later in the afternoon, so one of us had to leave around 5 to go pick them up. Joe volunteered to drive, so we decided to take the car over to the Flamingo, since we were headed there anyway (and of course it was a billion degrees, so we didn’t want Missy to get sick). We drove over there and parked on the top floor of the ramp, thus guaranteeing the car would be as hot as possible when we returned. (We didn’t really have a choice about that part.)

First we went to go see the animals hanging out in their ponds. There were a ton of birds, including flamingoes and pelicans:

After 10 minutes it was hot enough that we couldn’t breathe, so we went to check out the gambling situation. The pai gow tables in the Flamingo were all full, so we wandered over to the side of the building that had been converted to the Margaritaville casino. We found pai gow there, and Matt and I sat down to play with a bunch of old bros who knew each other.

We weren’t doing as well there, so when Joe and Missy came back, Matt and Joe went to play blackjack. I didn’t want to gamble for a bit, and Missy wasn’t feeling great again, so I volunteered to take her back to the hotel. We went back up to the car, and I burned the back of my calf getting in. It was indeed a billion degrees, to the point where it was painful holding onto the steering wheel. The A/C was doing its best, but in the 20 minutes it took me to drop her at TI and drive back to the Flamingo, it was still barely cooling off. I just hiked my skirt all the way up, since I’m all class.

Matt called to say he and Joe were done gambling and had gone to sit outside near Sin City Brewing, by the Flamingo pool entrance. I found them easily at a table with big comfy chairs in the shade, and Matt had a beer waiting for me. Under those conditions, the 112-degree weather was downright pleasant. Joe had half an hour or so to kill before heading to the airport, so we just hung out people-watching on the patio.

The highlight of the people-watching was the security guard pushing a girl up the ramp in a wheelchair. She was so debilitated I thought she had some horrible disease, but when they got closer I realized she was just that drunk and passed out. She was curled up around a beer bucket on her lap to catch the vomit, and she was clearly either headed to the hospital or detox. Holy crap.

Joe left to go to the airport, so Matt and I grabbed some walking beers at Sin City and headed down the strip. The nice thing about walking on that side is that you can mostly stay inside, crossing through casinos. (You can do the same on the other side, but Caesar’s and the Bellagio are built in such a way that you have to walk an extra mile to cut through the building.) We went over to Bally’s to get his picture (as the owner), then played my favorite gigantic slot machine. From there we cut through Paris, then crossed over to Planet Hollywood. We stopped to get drinks at Yolo’s, as per tradition, and planned to take them with us, but then ended up sitting around there for a while. I really like that bar, and have no good reason why (beyond the reasonably-priced build-your-own margaritas).

We grabbed another set of margaritas in go glasses this time, and went over to the PH sports book to see what was going on there. We found a very comfortable couch, so I was happy to hang out there for a while and wait for our friends to be delivered to the hotel.

After a while I started getting “WHERE ARE YOU WHERE ARE WE HAVING DINNER WE’RE HUNGRY OH GOD!” text messages from people. We liked the idea of them coming down to have dinner on the patio at Planet Hollywood, then realized how complicated that might be to arrange: we had four people who didn’t know their way around Vegas, and two of them were staying at the Quad rather than TI. After some debate, Matt and I decided it would just be easier to go back up to meet them and have dinner at Senor Frogs, since we were planning on that already.

We headed out to the street for maximum speed. It was still 110 degrees. We made it in 15 minutes, and I think I dehydrated everything out of my system on that walk, even the margaritas and beer. Holy crap.

We found the six of them waiting outside the restaurant with a buzzer, looking perturbed. I was surprised the place was as crowded as it already was, but you know, Senor Frogs. Finally we went in and got our table for eight (a couple high-tops pushed together). We ordered drinks (with coupons!) and waters, and suddenly everything was fine again. Especially when they came around and made us all stupid balloon hats.

The food was fine, and the place was as entertaining as usual. Toward the end of dinner the staff was up on stage trying to get the crowd on their feet and dancing, so we did that for a while. Next there was the conga line, which we were not too interested in until they told us everyone would have shots poured in their mouths. Well, that’s just the kind of stupid shit I can get behind, so half of us lined up. We were all handed long balloons, and started marching around the restaurant. The shots were red, and the guy pouring them was holding a rag under people’s chins to wipe up the drips. It’s by no means the most sanitary thing we’ve ever done, but that didn’t stop us from getting back in line for a second one.

We got our check after that, and while we were figuring it they started playing the Cupid Shuffle. Wendy, Sarah, Amelia and I ran back to the dance floor to participate, because we can’t not do it. There was a guy trying to hit on Sarah, who’s six months pregnant, and he was so creepy that Wendy had to physically get between them to stop it. There was also a guy so drunk or zoned out that he was doing everything exactly backwards, so that he ended up facing us the entire time.

Oh, Senor Frogs.

When we left, it was nearing time for the show in the lagoon outside TI, so we went out there and lined up for SEXY SIRENS, as they’re called.

The show was something. The sirens were pretty sexy, I guess, but the terribleness of the music and “acting” kind of killed that whole aspect of it. I liked the fire, I guess! And I’m glad we saw it, so none of us have to waste our time with that again.

After the show, we went back inside and found Bill and Katie, who had just arrived on a later flight (and with another car). We decided to walk down to the Quad again to see if we could get a table with one of the awesome celebrity impersonators again, so we all headed off down the strip, cutting through casinos along the way.

When we got there, the tables were all really crowded. We couldn’t find a spot there, but we managed to get a blackjack table over in the main part of the casino instead. Five or six of us sat down to play, and the rest wandered off around the casino. Things started to go awry after a while; Katie was doing really well (and having a great time getting the dealer riled up), but Matt and I were losing way more than we were winning. Once I was down $60 or so, I decided to go win at the bar instead. We went over to the one near the celebrity impersonators and ordered Manhattans, and I hung out talking to Willis until everyone else showed up later. Even Katie ended up losing at that table, so that was not our best gambling experience at all.

We all hung out there at the bar for a while, and some of the group decided they were done for the night. Matt noticed that it was almost midnight, which meant it was about to be my birthday, and decided we should have shots. I didn’t want to get them at that bar, though, because their prices were ridiculous. I suggested we go to Casino Royale instead, because having walked through there before, I knew it was probably the last bastion of low-rent on the strip. Seriously, there’s a Best Western, a Subway, and a Denny’s in the building.

We walked over there, and Matt went to the very busy bar to order. He just asked for some kind of shot from the impatient bartender, so we watched as the guy poured a whole bunch of vodka, then blue on top. Wendy and I cringed. I don’t have a spectacular history with blue drinks. We took the seven of them over to the rest of the group (at the giant Wheel of Fortune), and toasted to my birthday. The shot tasted just like strippers smell!

We headed back toward TI, where we ended up gambling for a while before all heading to bed.

Saturday morning, we all convened in the lobby at TI and headed to the cars. Bill and I had the same rental car in different colors, so I’m sure our 10-person, 2-car caravan looked awesome driving down the strip. Our destination was the Mob Museum, located in the former federal building in downtown Las Vegas. We paid $5 to park our cars in their million-degree parking lot, and went inside for tickets.

I’d wanted to visit the museum since I heard about it, because it’s run by the same group who created the International Spy Museum in DC. They do a good job of telling a story in a way that holds my fleeting attention, and they have a lot of interactive exhibits.

We started by getting in the lineup, which provided no end of entertainment.

They had an exhibit on the St Valentine’s Day massacre, complete with a piece of the actual wall:

Then there was the electric chair. Bally gave it a try.

They had a room devoted to Vegas-related mob history, and the old hotel artifacts were great. They also had video of all the old casinos being imploded.

Farther along in the exhibit, we got to practice our reaction times with a gun. Matt’s a lawbreaker, so he just shot at the cops.

We swung through the gift shop quickly, then all gathered out front where Katie wrangled another tourist to take a group photo on the steps of the museum. It was so hot out, I thought I was going to have an ass-burn from the stairs.

Sarah mentioned that she needed to eat soon, so we devolved into a flurry of “OH GOD PANIC THE PREGNANT LADY NEEDS FOOD RIGHT THIS SECOND!!” and rushed over toward Fremont Street. Matt and I really wanted to see the brand new Detroit-themed casino called The D (seriously, a Detroit-themed casino), so we headed that direction. Doran was just excited about the name.

The game floor was pretty nice, and they had cheap blackjack and even $3 craps. We went upstairs to find the restaurants, and the entire upper floor was a huge collection of old slot machines and other games that actually used quarters. The owners had gathered as many of them as they could find. AWESOME.

Oh, and they had a piece of the Blarney Stone for some reason.

We decided on the D Grill for lunch; it’s the typical burger place that exists in pretty much every casino. They were quick to get us a 10-person table, and our server was really amusing. After ordering, Matt and I rushed to the sports book to see if they were taking bets on the Belmont Stakes, but they didn’t do parimutuel there.

After lunch, we went to get a plastic bucket and roll of quarters from the casino cage so we could play the horse-racing game. It was a really old machine with 8 seats around it and the “track” in the center. You deposited money and made your picks, and then the horses kind of lurched along their individual tracks to the finish. They switched the odds every time, and the favorite always won, so I guess the best play was to just pick that horse every single time. It was pretty entertaining, though.

After we got tired of that, we went back downstairs to look for a table. Conveniently, half of the group was ready to go back to the hotel and head to the pool, and half of us wanted to stay downtown and gamble. Matt, Bill, Wendy, Doran and I couldn’t find open tables at The D, so we stopped to grab a beer and headed to check other casinos.

As usual, Binion’s proved reliable. Matt, Wendy, and I sat down at a pai gow table, and Bill went to go play craps. Doran wandered.

After a while, Matt wasn’t liking his pai gow luck, so he and Doran headed over to The D to play. Doran went right back to the horseracing game, and Matt found a blackjack table. I left pai gow once I was up a little, cashed out, and found Bill at the craps table. I turned my money right back into chips and played that for a while, until it was time to round everyone up to head back. We got Wendy from pai gow, Doran and Matt from The D, and went to the car. We drove back to TI and made plans to meet in the lobby again shortly.

Matt and I went to our room to refresh our sweaty selves, then headed back downstairs. Half the group was going to the car to drive to the Cosmopolitan, and Wendy, Amelia, Bill, Matt and I were going to walk so we didn’t want to have to drive back afterwards. I’d told Wendy to meet us at the bar in the back hallway so we could use one of our check-in coupons for a 2-for-1 slushy drink or beer. We needed sustenance for the long walk to the Cosmopolitan, after all.

It took a while to get our drinks, and then we realized we’d have to hurry to be to the restaurant on time. We rushed off down the strip in the 110-degree heat. Once we got to Caesar’s I suggested we go in through the mall entrance and walk through the building, since it’s easy to get from there to the Bellagio, and then the Cosmopolitan.

That turned out to not be such a great idea. First, when you walk into the mall rotunda, it’s absolutely unclear how you get from there to the casino. You can barely even see the hallway for it, and it’s not obvious which level you should even be on. We circled around there on the escalator for a while, and finally found the hallway. That went well until we ended up at the dead-end near the giant aquarium and had to backtrack. Then it was clear we were almost definitely going to be late.

We wisely decided against walking through the Bellagio, and went out to the strip instead. The fountain show was just starting in front of the Bellagio, so we got to see a tiny bit of that as we rushed past. As we got to the top of the escalator near China Poblano, we saw the other half of the group waiting outside, just being gathered by the hostess to go to the table. WHEW.

They seated us at a long bench-like table near the counter prep area. We ordered cocktails, and started reviewing the menu. I’d forgotten how awesome their food is, and what a variety they have.

We ordered a couple guacamoles for the table while awaiting our other food. While we were eating that, a server suddenly appeared with two brightly-colored pitchers, and handed me a note. Jumi and Josh, who hadn’t been able to make it to Vegas, had bought drinks for my birthday! Between those sizeable pitchers and the cocktails we’d already ordered, we were in good shape.

I got a setas taco and the huitlacoche noodles, which are the best thing ever. The rest of the table was freaking out with excitement over the golden pigs, i.e. pork donuts. They loved them. Seeing small plates for ten people arrive constantly at the table was pretty amusing.

After a very long dinner and a mezcal sampling flight, we were finally ready to go. It took half an hour to figure out the bill, but we worked it out, and headed out into the casino. As per usual, half the group was ready to go back already, and then rest of us (me, Matt, Wendy, Amelia, Doran, and Sarah) went to wander. We tried to find a table in the Chandelier, but it was really busy. We went to Bond instead, since it’s an equally awesome bar. There were no seats there either, but we found a rail to stand around. Since it’s right at the front entrance of the casino, people-watching there was incredible.

After we finished our drinks, we headed across the street to Planet Hollywood. We cut through the casino there, and stopped at the Cabo Wabo walkup window so Matt could buy me a birthday shot from Sammy Hagar.

From there we crossed into Paris, and walked through the hallway with all the shops. We stopped to watch the giant slot machine outside Bally’s, and Wendy and Amelia went to find machines to play on. Sarah wanted to go into L’Art de Paris, the store with a million creepy sculptures, so we followed them in there. We were the only ones in the shop apart from some surly-looking guys working there. They had “no photography” signs everywhere, but Sarah still snuck one of a Jesus on the cross with large, shapely breasts. Then we got the hell out of there.

Matt and I played on some video poker machines for a while, then found Doran and Sarah again. Wendy and Amelia were headed back to the hotel. Matt and Doran stopped at the bar to get Jameson on the rocks, which arrived in super-cute rounded miniature rocks glasses. I told them we were keeping them, and we headed out the front door to the next casino.

We finally ended up at The Quad again. I figured it was a good choice since Sarah was undoubtedly getting tired, but she corrected me quickly: she was going to stay up and hang out, because that’s what you do in Vegas. The tables were all packed, so we picked a spot at the usual bar there and ordered manhattans. We stood around there talking for a few drinks and what seemed like a very long time, watching the celebrity impersonators.

Doran wandered off to use the bathroom, and when he returned he was sans cute stolen glass. Sarah asked where it went, and he looked alarmed and headed back in the direction of the bathroom. A few minutes later, he returned with a shotglass… a different one that he’d found sitting out. He got laughed at for that, and Sarah told him they were taking that one instead.

We said good night to them and walked back to TI. We decided to stop at the bar for a room drink, so Matt headed toward the place we’d been the previous night. I told him no, we should go to the bar on the other side of the casino, because that one was better. He told me there was no other bar, but I insisted that I knew where it was. I led him around the outside of the game floor to the better bar… which turned out to just be the far end of the one he was going to. I deserved the laughing-at that I got for that.

We got up, grabbed coffee at Starbucks, took the bags to the car, and checked out of TI. Bill and Katie had already left for the airport (painfully early in the morning), so we were down to one car again.

Wendy had texted earlier to say they wanted to go to Pink’s Hot Dogs down at Planet Hollywood, and that Doran was interested too. We had no interest in walking that far in the heat again, so we told them we’d meet up with them after brunch. Matt, Joe, Missy and I headed toward Emeril’s Stadium, our favorite sports book restaurant in the Palazzo.

The place was conveniently located directly across the street from TI; we could see the entrance when we walked out the door. But because it’s Vegas, you can’t just cross the strip there: you have to take the overpasses. We took an elevator to the overpass to Fashion Show Mall, another overpass to the Wynn, and an elevator again because the escalator was broken. Finally we crossed the overpass to the Palazzo and went inside. We were outside just long enough to get exhausted from the heat.

Emeril’s was just opening, so we had our pick of seats. We chose the couches set up as massive stadium seating facing the massive TVs and the actual sportsbook. We ordered brunch, a pitcher of drinks, and hung out in incredibly comfortable fashion.

A short time later, I got a text from Doran asking where everyone was. Apparently though he’d expressed interest in Pink’s, they hadn’t actually made plans. I wasn’t sure where Wendy was, either, but I told him to get in touch with her. They finally met up at some point, and started the long journey to Planet Hollywood.

We wrapped up our brunch at leisurely pace and headed over to the Mirage. The plan was to meet up with Wendy and Amelia there later, since we both had Groupons for 2-for-1 drinks at Rhumbar, which we’d enjoyed with Wendy on the previous visit.

We stopped at the sports book at the Mirage, because Emeril’s didn’t have the bet Joe wanted. He bet, Matt redeemed his free drink ticket, and then he and I went to place a few more bets. There was a horse race coming up, so he bet on that and got another free drink ticket. Apparently that’s the trick… bet on something that you’re probably going to be sitting there watching.

Wendy texted to say they were just leaving, and that they would meet us at Rhumbar. We went in and got a table in the back corner of the patio, one of the few spots in the shade. A server came by and we gave her our Groupon. Missy and Joe just wanted water. She told them apologetically that there was a 2-drink minimum on the patio, so Missy asked if a ginger ale was OK because of her heart condition. She seemed OK with that explanation (and Joe’s lack of order), though, so apparently we were fine. The patio was nearly empty anyway.

It was still ridiculously hot, but the shade and their intermittent mist-fan helped a little. We were still way happier with that than the crappy weather in Minneapolis, plus we were leaving soon. Joe seemed to not mind too much, and went ahead and took a nap at the bar.

We had another round, and Wendy was still nowhere to be found. We hung out longer, and finally our drinks were happy and we had no good excuse to stay any longer. We got our check and went back to the sports book to wait.

There was still half an hour left til we had to head out, so I went to go play craps with $40, and Joe came along to watch. I feel like I did a good job of convincing him he should play sometime, since I turned it into $100 pretty quickly. We went back to the sports book just as the rest of the group arrived, looking completely exhausted. They said they’d tried to do the same thing we did in Caesar’s, and gotten lost for AN HOUR.

We all went to the tram and rode over to TI. Matt, Joe, Missy and I went to get the car, and the rest went to pick up their bags at the desk and get a cab to the airport. We dropped the car off at the rental center, then got on the bus to the airport. We got through security fairly quickly, so Matt and I sent Missy and Joe off to the gate, and headed to the inter-terminal tram.

The Centurion Lounge, American Express’ first airport lounge, had opened recently at McCarran, and they’d sent all their platinum cardholders a year-long free entry pass. Unfortunately it was only good for the cardholder and a spouse, so we couldn’t bring everyone. I already wrote a review the place here, but the short version is this: IT’S AWESOME.

Our flight home was fairly uneventful, and the parking shuttle was waiting for us at the terminal. We were home 15 minutes later, thus cementing my opinion that the Park and Fly lot is great. Also, that that was a hell of a birthday party weekend.

Friday afternoon, I picked Wendy up from work and we drove to our house to meet Matt and Amelia. We headed to the airport, parked in the long-term parking (it’s kind of funny any time airport parking is cheaper than cab rides, but for a weekend trip that’s definitely the case), and went to get in line at security. The line was pretty long, but we jumped in the experienced traveler lane and headed right to the front behind only four or five other people.

While we were standing there waiting, a lady loudly demanded to know why this group of people got to jump right to the front of the line. The TSA agent explained the rules in a defeated way, making sure to mention a few times that it was “self-selected”. For some reason this seemed to set her off even more, even though she clearly could have chosen the lane herself. Plus we were all in compliance, with our small carry-ons and shoes and plastic toiletry bags at the ready. We stood there laughing amongst ourselves as she threw a fit to anyone who would listen, and finally got past the agent and to the scanners. And for the first time ever, I didn’t get the pat-down after my body scan!

We went to grab food for the plane, then met up with Wendy, Amelia, Jumi and Josh at the extremely crowded gate. For the first time, Matt and I got to take advantage of my reclaimed Delta elite status and board the airplane early. We had economy comfort seats in the front, and the difference was kind of amazing. The seats are larger, and there’s much more leg room. Having access to those is a pretty excellent benefit.

Matt and I decided to celebrate, since we were heading to Vegas for his birthday. I’m very classy, obviously:

We arrived in Vegas 40 minutes early, got the bus to the rental car center, and headed off to find our super-sexy minivan. It took us forever to find it in the lot, and then Josh spent what felt like an hour taking photos in case of insurance claims. I was dying sitting in the parking lot way too far away from the Strip. Finally we headed out, and drove up the Strip to the Flamingo, our hotel. There may have been some yelling out the windows along the way.

We stopped at Sin City Brewing on the way to the front desk, because we’d been in Vegas for close to an hour and hadn’t had a drink yet. We ended up with individual pitchers of beer, which solved the not-having-a-drink problem but quick. We passed by the huge line at check-in and went to the automated kiosks instead. They even let us pick our own rooms! We all headed upstairs, with plans to meet again shortly.

We’d all booked the Go rooms at the Flamingo, since Matt and I loved them so much last time. (Not just because the bathroom mirrors have TVs in them, but it’s a plus.) We dropped off our stuff, finished our beer pitchers, and met up in the lobby to go back to the car. We piled in, and Josh got on the freeway to downtown Las Vegas.

We parked and headed off in the general direction of the Plaza, which we’d never been to before. There was the typical Fremont Street Entertainment along the way, including sexy saxophone man playing on a truck:

There was also a shot stand, of course.

We got to the Plaza and headed to Hash House a Go Go. I’d heard that it was awesome, but had no idea that all of their food arrives in portions of this quantity. Holy crap, everything was gigantic and awesome.

After dinner, we wandered back down Fremont in search of some gambling. We stopped into a tiny casino just to get Mardi Gras beads, then decided on Binion’s. Matt and I found a blackjack table, and everyone else wandered off for other forms of betting.

We had a really entertaining Italian dealer, and for most of the time it was just the two of us at the table. That session resulted in one of the scariest bets I’ve made yet: I split a pair of threes, and was dealt an 8 and another three. I doubled on the one and re-split the other, and ended up with $60 on the table. The dealer busted. WHEW.

Matt and I had wanted to visit the Downtown Cocktail Lounge, so we notified our friends of the plan and headed down toward the other end of Fremont. There were people ziplining above us (that was new since our last visit), and the Fremont Street Experience was showing giant QR codes in the sky. We got a table at the cocktail lounge and ordered drinks. It was particularly exciting, because Vegas has not been known as a mecca of good cocktails until really recently. This was our kind of place.

Josh, Jumi, Wendy and Amelia arrived a bit later, and we found it hilarious watching them try to open the door of the bar and fail (the handle is hidden). We had another round of drinks there, then headed back to the hotel for the night.

Saturday morning, we met Wendy and Amelia and walked down to Paris for our usual brunch of French rolls, fruit, and cheese at JJ’s Boulangerie. We then went to the gigantic slot machine at Bally’s to lose $1 apiece, then decided to go wander around Planet Hollywood for a while. We walked through the mall, made the required stop at ABC Stores, then went into the casino to see if there were any good tables open. There weren’t, so we went to get drinks at the bar instead. Amelia had gone to play slot machines, so we searched for her for a long time, and finally found her in the back.

We set a time to go meet Jumi and Josh (who were apparently at the Las Vegas swap meet that morning), then stopped to get Amelia a drink at Sammy Hagar’s bar before walking over to Bill’s to check on the tables there. Matt went to go get himself a birthday scotch while I found a Pai Gow table, and convinced Wendy to try it out (thus beginning a long obsession). Amelia went to find a slot machine. I was doing well after a while, so I went to cash out while I was up. Then it became time to go get our ride, so we gathered everyone and went to find the van waiting at the Flamingo.

We met Josh and Jumi and headed back downtown for our tour of the Neon Boneyard. It’s something I’ve wanted to do since I heard about it a few years ago. We parked, and along the way found somebody’s manifesto on a lamppost.

The Neon Boneyard was everything I hoped it would be. (My entire photoset is here.)

The Neon Museum is in the process of being built next door to the Boneyard location, but it won’t be up and running until late 2012. In the meantime, they just have a huge empty lot full of old Vegas signs, and they also curate the exhibits along Las Vegas Avenue and Fremont Street. Out front of the museum is the Silver Slipper sign that Howard Hughes believed was monitoring his thoughts, so he bought it and took it down.

The tour lasts about an hour, and is totally worth your time. Especially once the museum is open, I imagine.

 

On the way back from the Neon Boneyard, we stopped at In-N-Out Burger for lunch, something which all of us (even me, the vegetarian) were way too excited about. While Matt and I were waiting for our food, a guy came up to him, pointed at the logo on his shirt, and said, “Pleepleus! Drink!” He was referring to the mascot logo for the show ‘Drinking Made Easy’, and he was so excited to find someone else who knew about it that he insisted on having his photo taken with Matt. Hilarious.

We had lunch outside, making sure all the local birds got extra-fat on french fries. We then went back and parked the van at the hotel, and it was time to go gamble. After stopping for drinks at Margaritaville first, of course. (The bartenders are very proud of their flair skills there, and they were admittedly pretty impressive.)

We all walked over to Imperial Palace, where there were celebrity impersonators singing karaoke on the stage in the middle of the casino floor, and all the pit bosses were going table to table handing out Mardi Gras beads. (It’s my kind of casino.) We managed to find a Pai Gow table where five of us could play together (Amelia still wouldn’t be convinced of its awesomeness), so it was perfect. Josh and Jumi didn’t know how to play, but the dealer was more than happy to teach them.

Josh had an incredible run of bad luck, and kept getting cleaned out. The dealer even had him trying old superstitions involving getting up and circling his chair clockwise three times, which didn’t work so well because he was crowded against another table, went the wrong direction, and only made it twice. Most of us were doing pretty well consistently, and the dealer even convinced me to start playing the fortune bonus, even though I know what a sucker bet it is. I managed to hit it several times, though, and often made up there what I lost on regular hands. I realized I was consistently over my original stake, so I started shoving chips in my pockets whenever I won. After a while, I got up to use the restroom, and realized that I was going to spill chips all over the place if I didn’t cash out. I did that, and saw I was already up $75.

Back at the table, we were all many free drinks and strings of beads into the afternoon. We kept rotating between two dealers, both of which were awesome and had us rolling on the floor laughing. After Wendy made a “winner, winner, chicken dinner” joke, she started yelling things like NO CHICKEN FOR YOU, BABY!! and CHICKEN FOR EVERYBODY!! It was basically the greatest gambling experience ever, and I was sad when we realized we had to leave and start getting ready for our dinner plans. I cashed out my chips again, and was doing far better than I ever have in Vegas.

Jumi, Josh, and Amelia headed back to the hotel to do responsible things like clean up and nap, while Matt, Wendy and I went over to the Mirage. We grabbed couches at Rhumbar (their awesome patio bar), and noticed that they were showing the 3-point competition at the NBA All-Star Game. It took one glance at the menu to see what we were ordering: The Scorpion Bowl. It’s a tiki drink with three kinds of rum, gin, and rum-soaked cherries, costs $50, and has a two-person minimum. Wendy and Matt Tebowed at the sight of it.

The added bonus to being there was that we got to watch Kevin Love win the 3-point competition!

With a good amount of rum in our systems, it was time to go back to the hotel to change for dinner. It was Matt’s birthday, so we were all dressing up fancy-like and going to Jaleo (Jose Andres’ tapas restaurant) for dinner. We walked down to the Cosmopolitan, met up with the others, and got a table right under the luchador cow.

The food there was excellent. It’s always confusing when you get small plates, and you think you’re never going to be full, and then suddenly you want to die. (I could probably live on pan con tomate or their cheeses pretty easily, which was good since the menu wasn’t exactly vegetarian-friendly.) Their Sidecar wasn’t half bad, either, and Matt had the legendary gin & tonic.

After dinner, we went downstairs to drink at the Chandelier. We were really excited for everyone else to experience the joy of drinking inside a giant lamp. We had a hilarious server, and the drinks were great as always. (There was an elaborate one involving dry ice that was really entertaining.)

From there, we headed back up the Strip to do some more gambling. I was the only one who wanted to play craps, so I took up a spot at a table at Bill’s. The crowd there was interesting, and I made pals with the Australians next to me. While I’d played craps before, I’ve never wanted to roll the dice, but since I’d had maybe a few drinks, I decided to accept the dice this time. The first time, one of the dice didn’t make it to the far wall of the table. The second time, the same thing happened. I was getting pretty embarrassed, but the third time was good, and eventually I rolled the point again. (Watching other people throw later, I wasn’t so embarrassed anymore… half of them threw the dice off the table.) And again, I won a bunch of money but have no clue how much… I just grabbed my pile of chips and took them to the counter when it was time to go.

Matt and I eventually went back to the Flamingo, and stopped for a drink at Margaritaville. Neither of us had any idea what time it was, because our phones had been dead for hours. And who needs to know the time in Vegas, really?

I woke up Sunday morning, and it was time for the reckoning. We checked out, piled our stuff in the car, and drove up to the Stratosphere. We were running a little late, so we rushed upstairs and headed right to the SkyJump desk to check in. That’s because it was time to JUMP OFF THE STRATOSPHERE.

Wendy and I were the jumpers, and everyone else came along to cheer for us and cross their fingers that we didn’t die. I paid $110 cash for my jump, which I noted proudly was all from my gambling proceeds. They took us in back to suit up in sexy blue jumpsuits and a giant harness that was way heavier than I expected. We had to empty our pockets and leave all of our stuff in lockers, so I gave my camera to Matt. Then they weighed us, and wrote our weight on the inside of our wrists in Sharpie. To our relief, the weight was in kilograms. (Fun fact: the harness must weigh almost ten pounds, now that I’ve finally done the conversion math.)

We said goodbye to our friends and loved ones (and promised not to die), then headed to the elevator while they went out to the patio to watch our jump. We were led by a SkyJump attendant, and there was one other lady with us. She agreed to jump first so we could see how it went.

They led us right to a waiting pen in the observation deck, and closed the gate. People immediately started wandering over to see what was up, and asking us about how it worked. We watched them lead the other lady into the glass booth where two attendants were preparing people. It seemed to take forever, even though I think it was only about five minutes or so. Finally they led her out to the edge of the platform and she jumped. Once that happened, the people gathered around us started asking even more questions, and we really didn’t want to talk about it anymore. Waiting for it was the worst part.

It was my turn next. I wished Wendy good luck and headed into the booth while the people at the observation deck bombarded her with questions. She didn’t look happy about it at all. The attendant checked my harness for tightness, then checked my shoes and my earrings too. Next the other attendant came up and did the same exact thing, so they had a double-check of everything. They asked me a few questions, and then the guy took me out into the platform. He told me to hold the railing on the right with both hands while he attached the line to my harness. For some reason, I hadn’t expected it to be so windy up there, but it freaked me out a little. Once I was connected, he told me to step up with my toes over the edge, and to reach over and grab the railing on the left with my other hand. That railing seemed REALLY far away. Then he counted down from three, and I jumped.

I screamed for a second, but then realized that the line caught right away and it would be a smooth ride the whole way down. There was plenty of time to look around, but I didn’t really absorb any of it. I noticed that there were lounge chairs on the patio below me, and that the people in the lounge chairs were probably our friends. I spend the other few seconds of my jump picking them out and waving hi to them.

As for landing, the guy had told me to arch my back so I could land on my feet. I did that, and stood for a second before falling over onto my ass. It was a valiant effort! They sent me to get out of my jumpsuit, because there was enough time in between to do that and then watch for Wendy’s jump. I did that and went to hang out with Matt, Amelia, Jumi and Josh. I was shaking, and so adrenaline-filled that I couldn’t even manage to make a movie of Wendy jumping… I just kept turning the camera on and off instead of being able to work the controls.

Anyway, what I would tell you about jumping off the Stratosphere is to DO IT NOW. It’s amazing, and I want to go again.

After Wendy got un-suited, we were all dying of hunger, so we went downstairs to Roxy’s Diner for brunch. While we waited for our food, Josh got a gigantic milkshake in a souvenir Stratosphere glass, and used a straw wrapper to build a scale model of our jump from the top. After eating, we headed to the van and drove back down the Strip, with an extended stop at TI where Josh disappeared inside for what seemed like hours, picking up their show tickets for later.

Our destination was the famed Las Vegas sign, which we’d been meaning to revisit forever. Since our last stop there a few years back, they’ve added a parking lot and Vegas representatives there to take your picture and in some cases (like the showgirl), collect tips.

All but one of us knew what else was up with our stop there… Wendy was planning to propose to Amelia! And she did, in front of a long line of waiting people and the showgirl. It was awesome.

After the engagement, we piled back in the van and went to park at the Bellagio. Matt and I wanted to do our usual shopping trip at Caesar’s, so we all walked over that direction. Of course our shopping trip involved stopping at the bar in the mall for gigantic Long Islands, too, so we did that. Shanghai Tang didn’t have anything spectacular, and Matt didn’t see anything he needed for his birthday gift at the Nike store, so we went back to the casino. We wanted to find the barge-with-a-bar that Steve had excitedly reported about on a previous trip, so I used the magical power of Google Maps and their inside casino view to locate it. That still didn’t make finding it that much easier, especially with construction in Caesar’s, but we eventually got there and it was CLOSED. Jerks.

Matt and I wanted to possibly do more gambling and hang out at the bar, so we all made plans to meet up at the car later, and headed our separate ways. We used our two-for-one coupons at the Caesar’s bar (that’s the only way to make their drinks somewhat affordable), then went to the sports book across the way. (It’s my favorite, mostly because I’ve napped there before.) I picked Syracuse to win the National Championship (this was before Fab Melo got DQed, of course), and the WCHA to win the hockey championship. I’m too superstitious to bet directly on the Gophers, not that I could have at that point anyway.

I went to play craps again, but that $40 disappeared quickly. We decided to walk back to the Bellagio to see if we could get into Fontana Bar to watch the fountains, but couldn’t find it in the spot we expected it to be. We finally asked a girl at the podium outside a club, and she said it had been replaced. The club was opening in a bit, but we didn’t like the sound of that. We racked our brains about a good spot to visit, and then had our ‘duh’ moment: the Cosmopolitan was right next door, and the Chandelier Bar was the perfect place to end our visit to Vegas.

It ended as they all do… way too soon. We went back to the Bellagio garage and found everyone else waiting for us in the van.

Jumi and Josh had a later flight out, so they dropped us at the airport. Our flight was uneventful but late, so we didn’t arrive in Minneapolis til almost 1am. Thank god I’d told work I would be late on Monday.