Our hotel starting blasting dance music from the lobby at 8am. It would’ve been way more painful had it not been for the time change that made it feel like 10am, and the vacation adrenaline. I get up way earlier on vacation than I ever voluntarily do at home!

I went to get coffee and a giant croissant in the lobby while Matt finished showering, and then we headed out to see more of LA. Stop one satisfied the geology nerd in both of us: the La Brea Tar Pits.

(It’s always bizarre and confusing that that exists right on Wilshire Boulevard in Los Angeles. Before the first time I visited, I assumed it was in the middle of nowhere.)

From there, we drove up to Hollywood Boulevard for the obligatory super-touristy stop.

It was gorgeous outside, but apparently not gorgeous enough for all the impersonators to be out hassling people for photos. We were pretty glad about that.

Matt and Bally picked their favorite stars on the Walk of Fame. Shortly thereafter, we named our rental car ‘Ponch’.

We stopped at Jack in the Box for a quick lunch (we’d still been unable to find In-n-Out or Del Taco, even though California ads led us to believe they were on every street corner). Matt visited the restroom on the way out, and said he’d seen a guy enter the stall with his hamburger and heard him continue eating on the toilet. CLASSY.

We hopped on I-10 and drove to Santa Monica, where we sat in the same insane traffic as the two other times I’ve visited Santa Monica. What the hell? We finally found a parking spot and walked down to the Promenade so Matt could check out the dinosaur topiaries and awesome street performers, the best of whom was Biggie Smalls painted completely silver.

From there, we walked down to the pier. Though these pictures make it look really overcast, I don’t recall it being that dark at all! It was just the typical Pacific coast fog.

I’d told Matt that the first time I visited the Santa Monica pier was on my three-week solo roadtrip, and it was one of the only places I was sad to be alone, because it was kind of romantic. I wanted to fix that, so we did.

The pier was as crazy as I’d remembered. There were buskers (including Mongolia’s only pro contortionist), the amusement park, and vendors selling things like unflattering caricatures and your name on a grain of rice. It’s basically exactly what you want from that kind of spectacle. We walked down to the end of the pier, saw the fishermen and the end of Route 66, then headed down to see the beach, which had a different kind of spectacle:

(The crosses represented the number of soldiers killed in Iraq and Afghanistan. Horrible.)

We went down and dipped our feet in the ocean. It was freezing, so we were pretty excited to be heading to Hawaii very shortly…

…or so we thought.

As we climbed the steps back up to the pier, I got a phone call from Delta. I missed it and called right back, knowing what it would inevitably mean. The agent said our 6pm flight was delayed 2 hours, but that we would still have to be at the airport at the correct time, ‘just in case’. AARGH.

We still had some time to kill before heading there, so we did some shopping at an awesome British grocery (the snacks we got there made it through the entire trip with us, on various flights), then stopped at the TNB BBQ truck for Korean tofu tacos. We may not have made it to In-n-Out, but we did get to experience one of LA’s finer taco trucks!

We took highway 1 down the coast toward the airport, passing through Venice (which was awesome) and Marina del Ray. By the time we arrived at the car rental place, Delta had called again to notify me (via friendly robot) that the flight was now delayed 3.5 hours. That would put it into Honolulu dangerously close to midnight, and I knew we were starting to run the risk that it wouldn’t leave at all that night. While I’d have loved an extra night in LA, I’d prefer it to not come at the expense of our trip to Hawaii (and also missing the next day’s flight to Kauai).

We checked in, and the Delta machines spit out a couple of $6 meal vouchers as apology. (Nice work, guys.) We decided to turn them into drinks, and headed to Malibu Al’s Beach Bar, to attempt to pretend we were somewhere tropical already. Also, it was right by our gate. We ordered long islands, played cribbage and canasta, and later ordered pizzas from CPK (located across the way… they just carried them over).

We eventually got sick of Malibu Al’s and crossed over to the Cantina just for a change of scenery. There, we ordered margaritas and watched the Giants game. We were so tired and punchy that everything I saw was the funniest thing ever. Finally, after 5+ hours at LAX, they announced the boarding of our flight.

We were glad to be in row 19 near the front, and to have already been supplied with blankets and pillows. I was also really glad to have the window seat this time. I napped on and off for 4 1/2 hours or so, then spent some time staring out the window at the stars and ignoring the reruns of stupid comedies on the overhead screens. We landed in Honolulu around 12:15, and the passengers on our flight were the only people left in the airport.

We grabbed our bags and headed to the shuttle bus, which of course had to wait around for a long time for other passengers. We finally headed off into Waikiki. Matt and I were dying of exhaustion, and kept ourselves awake by counting the number of ABC stores we saw on the way to our hotel (11 of them!). We arrived at the Castle Ocean Resort, close to 2am. They’d roped off the lobby and were cleaning the floors, but there was still someone waiting at the desk to check us in.

When we got up to the room and found that our keys didn’t work in the door, I thought Matt was going to die. I left him with the bags and ran back to the lobby, and thankfully everything worked the second time. We barely took time to plug in our phones and brush our teeth before collapsing in bed. This time, with air conditioning!

I woke up extremely early on Monday, but forced myself to sleep til 8:30. The five-hour time difference was really disconcerting, but it meant I managed to get up bright and early almost every day we were there.

We walked to the nearest ABC store (‘nearest’ usually means within about 50 feet), got coffee, and went to see Waikiki Beach. This was Matt’s first time in Hawaii, and I was excited to show him around!

We wandered down the street looking for a place for a quick breakfast. We didn’t find anything great right away, but we did find a guy with some birds. One of which went on my head. It was already my greatest day ever, and it wasn’t even 10am.

(I’ll remember that green parrot forever. He struck me as the nicest animal I’d ever met, and I wanted to steal him. A lot!)

We finally found a patio restaurant offering a Hawaiian ‘plate brunch’, which had bacon and a Kalua pork patty. Matt was very happy with that, and I was excited for my muffin and local fruit.

We walked back to the hotel for our bags, checked out, and waited out front for our shuttle to the airport. It was time to go to Kauai! Steve and Colleen were waiting for us there, after all.

There were only four of us on the shuttle, so we got to the airport really early. We went to the bar for a beer and watched California high school football on TV. When the plane arrived, we got to walk out to it on the tarmac. That will never not be extremely exciting for me, especially when there’s open seating like a bus.

The flight was 37 minutes long, which is enough time to take pictures of both islands from the air, and read the in-flight magazine. It was alright that they didn’t have Skymall, because there wouldn’t be enough time to even start laughing at it.

Honolulu from the air (Diamond Head on the right in the distance)

Kauai

We boarded another shuttle at the airport in Lihue; it was supposed to be shared, but we were the only people on it. On the way to the resort, we saw about a million wild chickens on the side of the road, and it was funny every single time.

The driver dropped us off at the Sheraton Kauai on Poipu Beach, where we were greeted with shell leis and led to the front desk. We went to the room and stood on our lanai peering at the garden pool, trying to locate Steve and Colleen. We saw a guy who looked kind of like Steve with a woman who wasn’t Colleen, so we decided they were swingers. It was the only explanation, really.

It turned out they were at the beach pool instead, so we changed into our bathing suits and headed over to find them.

Before swimming, though, there was very important business to attend to: our first mai tais in Hawaii. And some food, because we were dying.

After eating, we went to swim in the ocean. The waves were pretty high, and there was a sharp dropoff near the beach. We floated around for a long time, talking about Sharktopus and high-fiving waves (which eventually led to wavepunching). After a while, we went to go swim in the pool instead.

Round about dinnertime, we showered and changed, met at a daybed in the lobby which would quickly become our customary meeting spot, and went to the Point for food. I had a cheese pizza and a couple mai tais. (While everything else about the Sheraton was excellent, their vegetarian options were incredibly subpar: caesar salad, cheese pizza, and unappealing vegetable pasta. Not good at all.)

We went to hang out in the lobby and talk til around 11pm, at which point we were all ready to doze off. Something about mai tais and the ocean will do that to you, so we headed to bed on Hawaii’s 6th largest island.

Tuesday morning, I got up early and sat on the lanai to write and watch some more swingers at the pool. (I knew they were swingers because the dude had speedos and a ponytail. Duh.) Even at 9am, it felt like the sun was strong enough to burn! Around 9:30, we met Colleen and Steve for brunch at our resort. They had an awesome deal where if you agreed to skip room-cleaning for a day, you got a free buffet meal. Also, this was the view:

Brunch was by far their best food selection. Mine consisted of things like a mini waffle with macadamia nuts and coconut, papaya, cottage cheese, and miso soup.

While Steve rented a car for the day, we watched the fishing bird from our daybed. He seemed really annoyed that we were watching him not catch fish.

Since we’d arrived in Kauai, I’d been talking about Old Koloa Town. Mostly I liked the sound of it, but I decided that Old Koloa Town was obviously where everything awesome happened. Matt and I had driven through it on the way to the resort, but that was all I really knew about it. Regardless, I was convinced that it would be fantastic.

We got the car and headed south to the Spouting Horn, Kauai’s very own blowhole! Since our friends had arrived on the island in the dark, it was also their first chance to see the feral chickens everywhere (apparently the Sheraton bans them).

These were all over the ground. What are they? I need to find out.

We watched this rooster wander into a sprinkler and flop around on the ground, taking a bath whenever it passed over him. It was beyond hilarious.

Blowhole ahoy!!

We went to go check out the local vendors set up nearby, and found both ukelele-playing and surfing Obama bobbleheads. We each got one, of course. I also picked up a cute cooler bag that would serve us very well at the beach over the next week or so.

From the Spouting Horn, we headed down around the south end of the island, toward Waimea Canyon; it’s known as the Grand Canyon of the Pacific.

Along the way, Matt became obsessed with the campaign signs along the road, and decided he liked Duke Aiona because of his name. We had other favorite candidates for various offices, but Duke was far and away the favorite. How could you not vote for someone named Duke? We went so far as to research his life story on Wikipedia. (When we got home, Matt checked the election results: Duke did not win, unfortunately. But politically, the other candidate was more awesome.)

The Hawaiian ‘red dirt’ thing is not a joke. Sometimes it’s even purple.

We stopped to buy a coconut from a couple of dudes in a truck on the side of the road, who hacked it open with a machete and gave it to us to drink. Then we went up to the canyon overlook. Photos don’t really do it justice:

There was a guy set up in the parking lot selling all kinds of Hawaiian treats, like dried coconut, mango, taro, macadamia  nuts, and lots of candy. We picked up several bags of it, then went down to do some hiking on the nature trail.

Colleen and Steve love nature!

We descended from the mountains, stopped at a subpar gift shop, and then drove into Waimea. Our map showed a Captain Cook monument (at the place he landed and discovered Hawaii), but we were completely unable to find it. There were only about 4 roads in Waimea, and all of them seemed to lead to construction. I’m not convinced that monument exists.

We stopped at the unusual-but-delicious Island Tacos in Waimea, then Steve and Colleen went to get shave ice while we waited outside, watching the local high school football team practice. I did not envy them wearing full uniforms and pads in that heat.

From there, we stopped to see the Old Russian Fort outside of town. This and a pile of rubble that used to be walls is all that’s left of it!

We headed back in the direction of Poipu, with one very important destination in mind: OLD KOLOA TOWN. We needed to do some souvenir shopping, and wanted to pick up some non-resort-priced booze for the beach.

Our first stop was the wine store, which had a decent selection of local liquor and beer. We picked up some Koloa Rum to bring home, and got some six-packs of beer and cheap rum for the hotel. We hit up a few more shops for souvenirs, and Steve picked up a boogie board for $9. As we were walking down the street, Colleen noticed a sign that was like a beacon to us all: $3 mai tais for happy hour at the pizza place. We couldn’t get to a table fast enough.

We ordered drinks and half-price appetizers. The bruschetta was gone within a couple of minutes, and Colleen used the pregnant lady excuse to order more, even though it was us who really wanted them. We had another round of $3 mai tais, then walked over to the grocery store to stock up on sunscreen, snacks, pop, and red cups. At that point, it was clear that I was correct about Old Koloa Town: it did, in fact, have everything we could ever want.

Back at the resort, we decided to meet at the garden pool near our room, because it was never crowded. We brought the beer and rum along, even though I’m sure the resort would’ve frowned on that. As it approached 9pm, we decided to head to dinner. The resort had long since stopped serving in the restaurant, so we drove over to Josselyn’s Tapas Bar in a nearby shopping center.

The place was less than half-full, but the service was remarkably slow. Soon after we arrived, a huge group of very loud, very drunk people gathered near the bar and proceeded to have a party. The food was pretty decent, but the server screwed up our drink orders repeatedly. It was supremely annoying, so at least dinner was good!

By then it was close to our 11pm bedtime, so we headed off to our rooms. There was no adjusting to the time change, it seemed! Matt and I had a Coconut Porter on our lanai, then headed to bed.

Since we still had the car, we went to get breakfast at Poipu Shopping Village. (It seems that not much is easy walking distance from the resorts in Kauai.) We found good food at Poipu Tropical Burgers, and then did some more souvenir shopping at the Whalers General Store (it’s totally a ripoff of ABC Stores).

From there, we headed back to Old Koloa Town, because I just couldn’t get enough! I’d decided to buy a driftwood sculpture I’d seen in a store the previous day and resisted because it was way too big for our luggage, but they’d convinced me that we could easily ship it home via the post office across the street. Matt and I had brought our other souvenirs along, so we packed the largest-possible flat rate box full to bulging and sent it back to Minneapolis for $15. You really can’t beat that deal, especially when you might be running into bag overage fees.

We went back to the resort to drop off the car, and headed to the beach. It was a very hard day, obviously:

We swam in the ocean, then the pool, then went back to the ocean to snorkel and boogie-board. None of us could quite get the hang of the boogie board, but it was fun to float around on it anyway. I went over to the nearby reef to snorkel, and couldn’t believe how big the fish were that close to shore!

Matt and I were in the stages of some decent sunburn, so we covered up and headed to the pool bar to watch the Twins playing the Yankees in the ALDS. I was worried there would be Yankees fans around and we’d have to fight, but we were the only ones watching.

When things went downhill in the 6th inning, we were so stressed out we went to go swim in the pool. The game really didn’t go well, but something about being on the beach in Kauai drinking mai tais dulled the pain. A lot.

Around sunset, we went over to the Point for their torchlighting ceremony. They gave everyone free mai tais, and we all gathered to watch the sunset. Could you ever get sick of this?

We stopped at the resort shop (Poipu Sundries, home of the Hula Angel) and picked up some more beer to take to the garden pool. We liked that it seemed generally unsupervised there.

Since we’d had a few (or many) mai tais, Matt and Steve and I decided to learn how to drink beer underwater, which then developed into a contest. Also, I proved I could swim the entire length of the pool with a red cup on my head like a fez. You know you’re jealous.

After a while, we went to change for dinner, and headed to Naniwa, the sushi restaurant that was only open a couple days a week. I was nervous I wouldn’t be able to find anything there, but they assured me they could make me vegetable tempura. It was delicious, and so was the cocktail with soju and grapefruit.

We said goodnight to Steve and Colleen and headed to the Point for an after-dinner drink. The place was amazingly empty even though it wasn’t even 10pm. Resorts aren’t really much for late-night entertainment, although the eavesdropping and the bartender were pretty amusing. And my passionfruit mojito was delicious!

I got up at 8am, because even after almost a week in Hawaii I hadn’t adjusted to the time difference. I was smart this time, and put on sunscreen before going to sit on the lanai. We were a little crispy at that point.

We met for brunch at the buffet , where Steve declared himself a waffleologist and invented “mini-waffles three ways”. It was impressive. We then headed to the beach to swim for a while. On the way to our chairs, I felt a sharp pinch on the underside of my foot, then burning. It hurt so badly when I stepped down that I thought it was glass, but there was nothing there but a red spot.

I hobbled to the chair, and by that time the spot was painful and burning. I couldn’t believe how much it hurt. I’m still not sure whether it was a bee or jellyfish, but I know I never want that to happen again. Even two weeks later, it still got stiff and itchy. Gross.

In the ocean, Matt practiced his wavepunching:

I’d remembered to bring my underwater camera case this time, so I could get pictures in the ocean. It’s always such a novelty.

Shortly after 11, Matt and I went to drag our bags down to the bellman and check out. Our flight wasn’t til that evening, but we had to vacate the room. We went back to the beach, and I did some more snorkeling, even though the waves were a little rougher than the last time. The big fish were still hanging out, though, and I could see the coral a little better.

We saw a sea turtle swimming by, too, but he was too quick for me to get a picture. I didn’t expect them to come so close to the beach!

Round about 12:30, we went to catch the Twins-Yankees game at the pool bar. This viewing involved mai tais, beer, and caesar salad. You know I’m all class.

When it was time for the 7th inning stretch, Matt and I headed to the pool to go down the waterslide. Again, it helped lessen the pain of the Twins getting knocked out of the playoffs. Even our rally mai tais couldn’t help them!

It was finally time to leave Kauai, so we left Steve and Colleen with a stockpile of items: Matt’s snorkel, half a bottle of rum, some beer, our collection of umbrellas, and our coconut from Waimea valley. Then we went to the front desk to get the key to the courtesy room.

The courtesy room is ingenious: it’s just piled full of towels, shampoo, conditioner, and soap. You can shower and change after being at the beach, then repack your bags. Thanks, Sheraton Kauai!

We headed back down to the beach to say goodbye to our friends, and take some more pictures of the perfect beach. Sigh.

Our shuttle arrived around 4:30, with a driver-in-training and trainer whose banter was really entertaining. The driver had gone to school at Vanderbilt, and spent time as a cab driver in New York. We never found out exactly how he’d ended up in Kauai. We got to the airport in Lihue around 5:15, and everyone working there was incredibly nice. (The security guy called Matt ‘bruddahman’. So funny.) As we had time to kill, we of course headed to the airport bar. Wouldn’t want to break our streak or anything. Matt got a ‘tropical itch’, and the included backscratcher provided a lot of entertainment.

We managed to get exit row seats on the flight to Honolulu, but were seated 2 rows apart on the flight from there to Maui. Since all the flights in Hawaii are somewhere between 30-45 minutes, it wasn’t much to complain about.

We landed in Maui around 9, got our rental car – a Dodge Caliber we promptly named Gaylord – and headed toward Lahaina. We needed dinner badly, so I found the first parking spot in town and we walked over to Cheeseburger in Paradise, because I knew they had vegetarian items there. The guy at the podium said they’d just stopped serving food at 10pm, and that there were only 2 places that still had open kitchens. One of them was called Moose McGillycuddy’s, so we chose the other.

Lahaina Coolers was a few blocks away in an old mansion, and there were a bunch of locals hanging out at the bar. The menu was fantastic, and they had Coconut Porter. We were set.

Post-dinner, we drove up to our hotel on Ka’anapali, north of Lahaina. I’d picked it based on the reviews and its reputation as ‘the most Hawaiian hotel’. It was definitely 60s-era, and the rooms were in need of a decorating update, but everything was very clean and definitely Hawaiian-looking. We didn’t do much in the way of exploring beyond noting the people at the tiki bar; it was 11:30, which was getting to be our usual bedtime in Hawaii.

Friday morning, we got up and drove Gaylord down to Whaler’s Village, since we were unsure of how far away it was. (Turns out it was only 2 resorts away, easy walking distance, but whatever.) We checked out menus at the restaurants there, and chose Cane & Taro for brunch, mainly because it overlooked the beach.

The stores opened while we were eating, so we went to go shop. We bought sunglasses, a water shirt for Mr Sunburnt, and checked out many souvenir shops, including the obligatory stop at ABC Stores. We then went to have a mai tai at Hula Grill, because 1) it was a bar on the beach, and 2) it was after 11am. Barely. Also, the bartender was named Fish.

Post mai tai, we went to the hotel to swim.

The surf was much calmer than in Kauai, though occasionally a whirlpool would develop near shore and toss us onto the beach. It was especially clear, so we could easily see both Moloka’i and Lana’i, as well as the people cliff-diving from Black Rock up the beach.

Once our daily swim was taken care of, we cleaned up and hopped in the car to head to Iao Valley, north of Kahului.

It was raining a tiny bit in the valley, which meant we got to see a rainbow:

We hiked up the trail to the overlook, then down along the river. There were fallen guava all over the trail, and we could hear roosters crowing. Also, there were many people swimming in the river despite the warnings that they could be washed out to sea at any time. I assume the locals are probably aware of the likelihood of that happening, though.

The bottom portion of the trail loops through an area planted with local foods, all irrigated by the river. No matter how many times I see banana trees in the tropics, it’s always fascinating.

We stopped at Kepaniwai Park on the way out of Iao Valley, where they have a series of commemorative gardens representing the various ethnic groups that populated Hawaii.

The giant spiders represented nobody but themselves. Creepy!

We also got to witness Colleen’s dream: feral chickens and cats living together in harmony. Or so it seemed.

From Iao Valley, we headed through Kahului toward Paia, the beginning of the road to Hana. It’s a cute little surf town full of hippies, so we had no problem finding awesome food for dinner at a place called Cafe Mambo. Not to mention Coconut Porter, of course.  Afterward, we went to see the beach at sunset.

We headed back to Lahaina. There was a cruise ship in port, which seemed really bizarre, even though we’ve spent plenty of time in cruise ports. It just seemed strange in Hawaii for some reason.

We stopped at the Mai Tai Lounge for a couple of drinks from the oldest bartender in Hawaii, then wandered down Front Street to do some shopping. Matt got to see the banyan tree, too! It’s the size of an entire city block!

We headed to Cheeseburger for dinner. (It’s like Senor Frogs… we had to go.) We had some pretty decent food there, and some really strong drinks, such as mai tais with a float of 151. There was a one-person cover band playing upstairs, and old people cheering. The restaurant closed down around 10 and they invited us to head upstairs, but we decided to go across the street to Moose McGillycuddy’s instead. We didn’t expect it to be good, but we figured we’d maybe at least get some cheap drinks.

On the way toward the stairs, we heard the band there playing a Sublime cover, so Matt decided it was meant to be. (The band was listed as ‘Arise, featuring the lead singer from Gomega’.) Shortly after we found a table, they played ‘Welcome to Jamrock’. The band was really entertaining, the drinks were indeed cheap, and the crowd was highly tolerable.  Also, the mashup of ‘Single Ladies’ and the Macarena was amazing.

The most amazing part? We managed to stay there til midnight. That hadn’t really happened yet in Hawaii, so we’d at least adapted to one hour of the five-hour time change. I count that as a win.

Saturday morning, we made a quick stop at Starbucks in Lahaina and headed toward Haleakala. It seemed like a pretty good day to drive up a mountain!

We stopped at the visitor center about halfway up to use the bathroom and buy important nene-related souvenirs. I’m still convinced nene don’t actually exist, because I’ve yet to see one on a volcano.

We did see silversword, though! It blooms only once every hundred years, and the leaves are actually silver.

After a short break to help adjust to the altitude, we drove the rest of the way to the visitor center at the top. There, for a mere $1 donation, we got dated certificates saying we were there. I hope Bally was the first basketball to make it to the top of a volcano!

From the north side, you can see Kahului and the coast. It was a little cloudy, but not bad.

We drove up to the actual summit, which is only about a 20-step climb from the parking area. It’s amazingly difficult at that altitude, though; any climbing and you start breathing heavily right away.

In the distance to the south, you can see the Big Island. We’ll have to get back there next time, obviously.

silversword in bloom

We walked to the start of the Sliding Sands Trail, but decided not to attempt it this time. I’d done it before when I was in much better shape, and it’s hard work. Also, you end up with ears full of ash. I wish there was some way to express the scale of this, though… it looks so simple in photos!

We stacked some rocks before we left, too. It’s important.

We headed back down the mountain, stopping at the two overlooks along the way. The lighting and clouds weren’t right for the spectre of the brocken, but we pretended anyway. (Bally wanted to make the spectre of the basketball.)

haleakala crater with old lava flows, and the big island in the distance

clouds coming into the crater. under the right conditions, this is where the brockengespenst occurs!

On the way down, we drove through the clouds, then past the herds of cattle indicating we were back in the upcountry. (I love that there are Hawaiian cowboys!) Near the bottom of the mountain, we turned to head into Makawao, everyone’s favorite cowboy/artsy village. Before shopping, though, we needed food. We stopped at Polli’s for Mexican food and beers, and to watch the Twins’ inevitable exit from the playoffs at the hands of the Yankees. By midway through, the game was so depressing we decided to go shopping instead.

One of our stops was at Volcano Spice Company. If you visit Makawao, don’t miss this place! They have spice blends, a bunch of local coffee varieties (and our favorite, Jawaiian: half Kona, half Blue Mountain), and an awesome hippie dude behind the counter.

Post-shopping, we headed back up toward Ka’anapali. Our destination was Duke’s Beach House, at a resort north of ours on the beach. We got seats at the bar, ordered mai tais, then realized we were stuck right in front of the TV watching the Twins finish their season. At least when you have a view of the sunset like this, it makes it slightly less painful:

We talked to the bartenders for a while before heading out, because we wanted recommendations for places that were open later at night. He gave us a couple options, then joked about ‘The Goose’. We found out later it’s a local dive in Lahaina called the Sly Mongoose, so it’s now on our to-do list for next trip.

For dinner, we went up to Maui Brewing Company at a mall north of Ka’anapali. My veggie sandwich wasn’t that great, but I didn’t really care because we had the beer sampler. Via the sampler, I became acquainted with Father Damien Abbey, their Belgian Dubbel. I kind of wanted to marry it, because it was amazing.

After dinner and beer, we went back to the Lahaina Cannery Mall to check out Lulu’s, one of the bartender’s recommendations. It didn’t seem like much at first: too well-lit, too empty, too full of families. Around 10, though, that started to change. DJ Money Mike started spinning, and locals began pouring in the door. Next thing we knew, it was a club. Also, it was there that I discovered my favorite cocktail yet: a margarita rimmed with li hing mui powder. GENIUS. It’s possible I ended up licking my glass a lot.

Once again, we managed til stay out after midnight! We were on a roll.

Sunday was a big day: we slept til 11am! I’m sure that had something to do with the li hing margaritas.

We got food and mai tais at Tiki Grill at our hotel, which smelled delicious. At least til I realized what the smell was: a pig roasting in a hut.

We went to the beach to swim for a while. It was gorgeous outside (as if it’s ever not gorgeous in Maui).

After the beach, we swam in the whale-shaped pool for a while, then changed and headed back up to Maui Brewing Company. I really wanted the hoodie they were selling there, but they only had tiny ones (I ended up buying one after returning home). We got a pint glass instead, then did some souvenir shopping at the strip mall nearby.

We dropped the car back off at our hotel, then walked to the Westin around 3:30. We had reservations on a sunset cruise on Ka’anapali! Also, the Westin has flamingos:

Before boarding, we had to all remove our shoes and lock them in a chest on the beach. If that’s not a surefire sign of awesome, I don’t know what is. We then got instructions about how to board, because the surf made it tricky. Basically, they would wait for the waves to go out a little, then yell at you to run like crazy til you got up the steps, otherwise you might be drenched. I was the first one on the boat, and managed to make it with only a little water damage.

They had free drinks and pupus on the boat, so we partook in mai tais while sitting on a bench at the front of the boat. I wished I hadn’t worn a dress, though, because the wind kept blowing it up so our fellow passengers could potentially see my underpants.

We rode out a ways from the beach, then put the sails up and headed north up Ka’anapali. We passed our hotel, then Black Rock, the hotel with Duke’s where we’d been the previous night, and got close to Kapalua. Then we jibed (see, I remember sailing lessons) and headed toward Lahaina.

There were two large groups of people on the boat besides us, and they seemed to both be there for weddings. The level of drunkenness was pretty spectacular. Our favorite guy was this one, who started pole-dancing by himself:

Matt having a very good day, with Lana’i in the background.

We stopped to float near the Lahaina harbor to watch the sunset over Lana’i. It was gorgeous. We had champagne to celebrate.

After sunset, they took us back to the beach, where we had to get off the boat in significantly less-sober condition after a boat-wide singalong of “Don’t Stop Believin'”. I hopped off the second they said to, hiked my skirt up, and ran for it. I ran nowhere near quickly enough, though, because the wave caught up to me. Confusingly, only the bottom inch of my dress was wet, but my underwear were soaked.

We decided to go back to Hula Grill for dinner, since it was nearby right on the beach. The place was packed full, but they found us a couple of seats at the bar where the chefs were prepping food. Watching them work was amazing, and convinced me that I would be terrible at that job.

We had the tasting menu for $25, which included tomato soup with focaccia, a tiny grilled cheese made with Surfing Goat cheese, and tofu and veggies with curried rice. Matt had macadamia nut mahi mahi. There were mai tais, and also desserts:

After dinner, Matt asked if I wanted to walk back to our resort via the road or the beach, so we took the beach route. And then he asked me to marry him.

I cried for a very long time. Once I mostly recovered, we started walking back. On the way, I saw a shooting star, torches lit along the beach, and all these amazing tiny glowing things washed up on the beach. I kept feeling like I couldn’t get enough air in my lungs. We went back to our hotel, where we passed not one but three wedding receptions in progress. We got a table at the tiki bar and watched the band. Even the really cheesy songs made me want to cry.

Once the tiki bar closed up at 10, we decided to walk to Tia Juana’s, one of the other places the bartender at Duke’s had recommended. It was at the end of the road into Ka’anapali, but it was still probably only a half-mile away. When we got there, we noticed a bar in the basement below Tia Juana’s blasting reggaeton, so we went down there instead. (We found out later that Tia Juana’s closes the restaurant around that time of night, and people go downstairs.) Donavan Frankenreiter’s Margarita House was in the midst of happy hour, and we were very happy to be there. They had $3 margaritas and Tecates, and some local girls were blasting Ludacris on the jukebox.

While we sat there watching surfing highlight videos on the TV with the rest of the bar, Matt reminded me that I hadn’t actually said yes yet. (Don’t worry, I fixed it.)

We got up early to go swimming, since it would be the last time on Ka’anapali Beach. (SIGH.) The best part was watching the happiest dog on earth, swimming and chasing a frisbee in the ocean.

We got to the front desk right at check-out, and arrived on time for the lei ceremony. They lined us up and gave us all kukui nut leis, explaining their tradition: all the employees get a lighter-colored nut for each year of service. Each time we return, we should bring the lei and they’ll do the same for us. Then they sang a song, and we were on our way. Yep, we’ll for sure be returning to the Ka’anapali Beach Hotel!

We drove to Hilo Hattie in Lahaina to stock up on a ton of souvenirs, and Matt found this prize:

We then headed down to Kihei to have lunch at Jawz Tacos. It was totally worth the drive, because of my teriyaki tofu burrito. And coconut porter, of course. We stopped at ABC Store for a couple more things, then tore our suitcases apart in the parking lot to cram all the new stuff in. It was tricky!

Since we had a couple hours before we had to be at the airport, we drove back to Paia to see the surfers at Ho’okipa Beach.

sugarcane fields

matt hangs out with future rum

In Kahului, we stopped at Down to Earth market for Jungle Balls, a snack I’d been obsessed with since the last time I was in Maui 5 years ago. They’re SO GOOD. We then headed to the airport, dropped off the car, and shuttled to the terminal. Since we didn’t want to break our streak of hanging out in airport bars, we went to Sammy Hagar’s place (seriously!) for a beer. The Vikings game was even on TV there.

We flew to Honolulu at 5:00, which meant we arrived there by 5:45. We picked up our car and promptly named it Duke (in honor of Duke Aiona), then headed into Waikiki to find our hotel. The Outrigger Reef on the Beach was way nicer than I’d expected, and our room opened onto a lanai overlooking Waikiki Beach!

After the most basic of unpacking jobs, we picked the car back up from the valet and headed to La Mariana Sailing Club. We had good directions and a warning that it was extremely hard to find, but we still managed to get lost. After a U-turn in a scary-looking pier area, I caught a glimpse of neon and signs of life. (It makes sense it’d be hidden, since it is, in fact, on a boat harbor.)

The place was incredible. It’s one of the most oldschool tiki bars, serving all the classics, and it’s just a giant old room full of bamboo furniture and round booths. We had a couple appetizers are some delicious drinks, and we sad we couldn’t stay there longer. Unfortunately, we had a drive a good distance back into Waikiki.

We dropped the car off again and walked down the street in the general direction of the beach resorts. We found our way into the Sheraton (where they had a spectacular infinity pool I swore I was going to pool-crash the next day), and made a beeline for the bar called Rumfire, mostly because of the name. It was pretty fancy and the drinks were good, but the crowd and service weren’t great. There were a bunch of Australians trying to order drinks, and the bartender was annoyed at their unwillingness to open a tab or pay as a large group. I didn’t realize that was our first exposure to the Australians in Waikiki!

We crossed over to the Royal Hawaiian, the big resort everyone knows by its pink color on the beach (it’s gorgeous inside, too). Out back, we found the Mai Tai bar, as in the real thing. We grabbed seats and checked out the menu, which had four different kinds of mai tais. The bartender was excited we asked about the ‘secret’ mai tai (Trader Vic’s), and started to explain about falernum; we knew all about that, of course.

We sat there by the beach watching the other patrons, who were all very much wealthier and mostly non-American. The place was fascinating.

Since we had one important item on our to-do list for that evening, we headed out and wandered over to the nearby mall to find Senor Frog’s. The mall itself was closed, but we could hear that familiar pounding music upstairs and knew the bar was still open. We spent far too long puzzling over how to make the turned-off elevator work, considered scaling the walls, and then finally realized there was an escalator. Our problems were solved.

The place was nearly empty. There was a large family having dinner (it was 11:30pm), and a couple people at the bar. A dj was spinning, but nobody was dancing. We went to the bar, looked at the happy hour shot menu, ordered a couple of them, and I went to use the bathroom. After doing our shots (a lemon drop and ‘El Sexo’ in Colleen and Wendy’s honor) and collecting our souvenir shotglass, we were out the door. I’ve never seen a non-insane Senor Frogs!

At the bottom of the escalator, we encountered a giant group of drunk Australians. They demanded to know if Senor Frogs was up there and still open. We told them it was, but that going there might be a mistake, because it was empty and also really expensive. They asked us the same questions a few more times, and then asked where we were going. We told them the Yard House (our bartender had recommended it). They said they’d been there, and didn’t want a beer bar. We advised them that if they went to Senor Frogs they would be the party there, and they were fine with that. And now I will forever love me some drunk Australians.

We headed to the Yard House, which was indeed an amazing beer bar. They had hundreds of taps, and also beer cocktails. DELICIOUS. Needless to stay, we were probably there a little bit longer than intended, but it was worth it. Plus we’d finally managed to stay out close to closing time in Hawaii!

We got up and drove a few blocks to the post office for a flat-rate mailing box. We were really glad they had them sitting out, because the line at the Waikiki post office was about a mile long. From there, we went to Aloha Shirts so Matt could get an awesome maroon and gold aloha shirt, plus some souvenirs. Across the street was the famous Rainbow Drive-in. Unfortunately, they had nothing vegetarian on the menu, so we headed elsewhere.

‘Elsewhere’ was Puka Dog. I had a veggie dog with lilikoi (passion fruit) mustard and garlic-lemon-jalapeno sauce. It’s probably a good thing we don’t live in Honolulu, because I would eat the exact same thing every single day.

We drove back to the hotel, dropped the car off, and packed our second box completely full of souvenirs. We walked the few blocks to the post office to mail it, and were again thrilled that we could use the automated postal machine, lest we have to wait in line for hours. From there, we went to see the International Marketplace, making not one but two stops at ABC Stores. They have a deal where if you spend $100 (over various visits, saving your receipts), you get a free gift. At the first one, our total was $96, so of course we had to stop again. I got the hula girl coffee mug, and it quickly became my favorite.

We also stopped at an underground bar at the International Marketplace (after paying tribute to what used to be Don the Beachcomber’s Treehouse) called Lava Rock for beers. The bartender’s kid was sitting under the bar in a stroller. If that’s not a sure sign of a classy joint, I don’t know what is.

typical waikiki beach resort view

outrigger reef

waikiki beach, with diamond head in the background

We walked back to the hotel to pack, then to Waikiki Beach. I didn’t know the reef was so close to shore there, but it made it really difficult to swim. We ended up floating around for a while, watching the paddleboarders. Then we went to shower and head to dinner at Kona Brewing Company, south of Honolulu in Hawaii Kai (about 20 miles away).

The minute we got on the H-1, traffic backed up like crazy. We figured it was probably rush hour in Honolulu, but after creeping along at 5mph for a very long time, we started to doubt that. Finally, the radio DJ mentioned something about a water main break near Hawaii Kai causing massive slowdowns on the highway. SIGH.

We finally made it to the water main disaster (which was somewhat under control by then), then followed our Google Maps directions toward the restaurant. It sent us up the side of a mountain in a residential neighborhood, which started to look more and more incorrect the farther we went. Once we dead-ended at the top, we realized we’d been led astray. We drove all the way back down, despairing about ever finding the place. Finally, we located the strip mall where it was located. We had to circle the entire place before finally finding it along the dock. Two nights in a row at a boat-up bar? Win!

We shared the beer sampler, and loved the Pipeline Porter (a.k.a. underwater beer) and Wailua Wheat, which was flavored with passion fruit. I had pizza, and Matt had a dinner involving three kinds of meat: ribs, bbq chicken, and Portuguese sausage. We stopped at the front counter to buy our obligatory souvenir pint glass, then headed back to Waikiki. It was a much faster drive this time.

We dropped off the car and took our familiar route along the beach walk, through the Sheraton (where I really wanted to jump in the infinity pool, but it was closed), and over to the Royal Hawaiian. It was the appropriate venue for our final mai tai of the trip, sadly.

We had the same bartender as the previous night, and he made us the Trader Vic’s special. We sat there eavesdropping on a very loud, drunk small group of people, who had apparently just met there, but were making plans to meet up back on the mainland. The weirdest part was when the one apparently single lady wished everyone goodbye, and gave another woman’s husband a kiss on the mouth. She headed into the hotel, and he followed shortly thereafter and was gone for quite a while. SWINGERS?? I think yes.

Matt had another final mai tai, and then it was time to head back to our hotel at 10am. We had to be up painfully early for our flight home.

We had to get up at 5:45 Wednesday morning to get to the airport, and that hurt a little bit. I was glad we had a car this time, though, because the shuttles are always scheduled way too early.

We got to the car dropoff site only to realize the gas station next door wasn’t open yet. That was unexpected, so we hopped back on the highway and headed toward the next exit. Unfortunately, it was for Hickam Air Force Base. I figured maybe it was one of many things at that exit, but no: the highway led right to the gates of the base, and there were several lanes of traffic backed up waiting to get in. At that point, I was pretty sure we were missing our flight.

We finally got up to the gate, and I sheepishly apologized to the guard there. He was very polite and efficient, though: he took my license, yelled “U-TURN!” until all five lanes of traffic were stopped (seriously), and waved us around. He then handed my my license back and gave us directions back to the airport. I loved him for that.

We had no choice but to drop the car off with the tank unfilled so that we could make our flight, but it ended up not costing very much anyway. We hopped on the shuttle, and our driver told us about the one time he’d been to Minneapolis (and the Mall of America), by way of Grand Forks. (I assume it was something to do with the air force base there.) He told us he’d seen his first squirrel in Minnesota!

At check-in, our bags weighed 49 and 50 pounds. We were so glad we’d shipped souvenirs home!

Our flights that day made up for the debacle on the way to Hawaii. We had rows to ourselves on both legs, which means Bally got his own seat:

LA from above

The couple in front of us waiting to board the plane to Minneapolis said that they’d also just gotten engaged on vacation, so there were congratulations all around. So awesome.

We were slightly delayed on arrival in Minneapolis mostly because of strong headwinds. It was a late flight already, so while I waited for luggage and Matt grabbed a cab to get his car (parked nearby at work), I got to witness something one barely ever sees: a totally empty airport. It was creepy!

We got home, dumped all our bags on the floor, and I checked the house quickly to make sure nothing had gone awry in our absence. I’m glad I checked the porch, because I found this special gift from our awesome friends. It made being up at 2am on a work night totally worthwhile.

Thursday morning, I went to work bright and early, then headed to the airport at 1pm. Our flight left at 2:30, but we sat around on the tarmac for an hour because apparently the plane was fatter than expected, due to some overbooking and general poor planning on the part of Northwest Airlines, as is their tradition. I set to work on my sweater, and found myself with a fully complete body by the time we arrived in Honolulu 8 hours later.

We landed at 7, which was midnight for us. We did not get lei’d, although the people with limos awaiting them did, the jerks. We took a long shuttle ride to our hotel in Waikiki, and found ourselves in a gigantic, very cold suite.

We ordered pizza and went to bed around 9:30, although we were so exhausted from the long day that we stayed up for another hour giggling hysterically, and finally passed out.

I woke at 4:30am, and we were up and wandering around by 6:30. We got coffee across the street at our hotel’s other complex, and cut through the building to the ocean. We took off our shoes and started walking up the beach. There were a bunch of old folks taking hula lessons at the south end. Plumeria littered the ground and smelled amazing; I spent the day with flowers in my hair.

Even at 7 in the morning, there were people out surfing and laying in deck chairs at their hotels. Near the breakwater, we met a guy who said he’d come from LA to Hawaii a year ago. He told us about the events on the beach, and directed us toward Diamond Head. We started off towards that hike, but once we got passed the zoo and about 20 different gardens, we realized there was no way we’d be able to walk there and climb it, see the sights, and get back to the hotel before the noon checkout time, since it was 10 already. We headed back and, of course, we had walked far more than we realized.

We checked out of the hotel, stashed our stuff there, and headed back out to find lunch, then shop. Waikiki is gaudy and amusing, and has insane amounts of shopping, even though it’s a very strange blend; they have very high-end designer boutiques intermingled with regular clothing stores, souvenir shops, and ABC Stores (a sort of tourist convenience store), which are located on at least every other block. There are endless malls, but the restaurant variety kind of sucks, unless you’re wanting seafood or a gigantic steak. But that is the way with the tourist locales.

waikiki beach

Everyone we talked to was so friendly and talkative. I was charmed by all the ‘aloha’ and ‘mahalo’. I always forget how different that is from the upper midwest, where some people are inclined to flinch when spoken to.

I managed to restrict my shopping to a few tshirts, since I didn’t want to break out the spare suitcase until I really had to. We laid in the sun for an hour at our hotel pool, and spent more time at the beach. Then we went back to the hotel and caught the shuttle back to the airport. We left at 4:45 and reached the airport at 6pm; it’s ten miles away. Thus is the very VERY annoying traffic situation in Honolulu. (I’m amused by the fact they have interstates. There’s maybe 50 miles of highway total, and they’re usually packed like a parking lot).

We took our first inter-island flight on Aloha Air. I was far too excited at the concept of open seating, having never flown on anything smaller than a DC-9. I was even more thrilled by the fact they had beverage service on the 30-minute flight to the Big Island. The plane is at altitude for 10 minutes at the most; they barely have time to pass out cups and collect the trash before landing.

We arrived at the Kona airport and got to deplane right onto the tarmac. I nearly peed with excitement. It was so oldschool and amusing. We walked the two feet to the baggage claim, waited 5 minutes, then walked another 2 feet to the rental car shuttle. The Kona airport is seriously a small group of tiki-style huts on a giant lava field. It was really starting to feel like Hawaii.

We picked up our first car, a champagne-colored Cavalier named Captain Cook. We drove the ten miles to the hotel in Kailua-Kona (I still can’t figure out which of those is the actual town), and checked into our alarmingly 60s-style hotel. It was after 9pm, so we went out in search of food in the tiny town, but shortly gave up because everything in town was closed or packed-full of drunk people. We decided we just wanted sleep instead. In true me-style, I woke up screaming around midnight, and jarred Stephanie so badly she was up most of the rest of the night.

I got up at 7 and felt like maybe I had already adjusted to the time change. Stephanie and her sunburn (which was substantial enough to constitute another entity) got up and we headed off down “Highway” 19 (highways in Hawaii are something entirely different than in the rest of the universe. They could conceivably term a cattle track a highway, from what I saw there.) We were in search of food, and soon discovered nothing was open, not even the coffeeshops. The whole town of Honaunau was without power. We finally found a grocery store in Oceanview, and bought fruit and snacks. In the midst of the lava-dust parking lot, they were hosting some kind of weird outdoor flea market thing, with fruits I’d never seen before.

old lava flows

The Kona Coast is all trees, ferns, flowers, and coffee farms. About 40 miles to the south, the lava fields begin. The first time I saw them, I wondered why all the earth was plowed up like that. It looked like a freshly-tilled field in Wisconsin, only with scrubby plants. The colors range from brown to grey to black. I thought it was what it must look like on the moon.

We drove through a cute little town with a classic car parade and a giant sea turtle painted on the roof of the main building, very close to the southernmost point in the US. We stopped to see a black-sand beach along the south coast of the Big Island; it was incredible. The sand is very gravelly and hard to walk on until you’re close to the water, and then it’s fine and powdery and warm from the sun. We climbed over lava flows and watched black and red crabs scrabbling over the rocks. I was really smart and wore flip-flops to do this. Also, we very quickly discovered that one cannot spend a single moment outside in Hawaii without sunscreen. Within 10 minutes, I could feel my nose burning.

We got to Volcanoes National Park, made the obligatory stop at the visitors’ center to pee and see if the rangers were hot, then set off for some hiking. We saw steam vents, which made walking around in the heat extremely unpleasant, and then the sulfur vents like one sees at Yellowstone.

steam vent

sulfur banks

kilauea crater

offerings to pele

We saw the crater at a couple different overlooks, then spent time walking around the gravelly lava rock. I was fascinated by these piles of rocks I saw everywhere; at first I thought they were trail markers, but there were way too many. I still can’t figure out what they were about, but I fell in love with them.

We hiked up Devastation Trail to the other big crater, then toured the Thurston lava tube. The lava tube portion of the park was the first real rain-foresty environment I’d ever seen in my life. It was amazing.

devastation trail

kali-kilauea crater

thurston lava tube

By 2pm, we were exhausted from the hiking and not having much to eat. We decided to drive to Hilo, which was the opposite direction from our hotel, and the other “big” city on the island. It was probably the lack of food that made us extremely cranky, but we were immensely pissed off at Hilo. We couldn’t find the downtown. We could only locate fast food and Wal-Mart and a crappy mall. We drove in circles until finally the guidebook led us to the Hilo Bay Cafe, one I had originally chosen.

The food was excellent, and we were both reminded of Real Food Daily in L.A. at the exact same time. Our faith in Hilo was restored.

We asked our server girl if it would be faster to take the loop around the top of the island from Hilo back to Kona, becase it seemed it might be quicker that way (technically, there’s the Saddle Road that cuts across the middle of the island, but apparently it’s only passable half the time). She said it was a nicer drive to go that way, so we did. On the way out, we discovered the real downtown Hilo, and our faith was doubly-restored. It wasn’t the industrial, boring city I had read about at all. It had a cute little downtown, an awesome farmer’s market, and a natural foods store where I stocked up on healthy treats like a crazy person.

Eleven miles north of Hilo, we turned off to see Akaka Falls. The route led us through a tiny town of maybe six buildings, with a very cute cafe where we stopped for coffee. We drove up the hill through bamboo farms, then hiked in to Kahuna Falls, then Akaka Falls.

akaka falls

This was even more rainforest than it had been at the national park. I couldn’t get over it. Monstrous trees, ferns, and dangling vines everywhere. It was so humid it was painful to breathe. It had its own little local rainshower.

It seemed as if there were hundreds of birds singing in the trees, but I couldn’t get a glimpse of them at all. It was beautiful.

We drove up the coast over valleys, each with their own waterfall. Near Waimea, we took the exit and drove up to see the Waipio Valley, along the north coast. The travel guide warned us three times to not drive Captain Cook down into the valley, as he would likely never come out. Just the walk to the overlook was so steep I was worried about falling down the hill. We got to see the sun starting to set over the ocean.

waipio valley

We drove back to Kailua in the dark, which pretty much sucks on those Hawaiian “highways”. We decided to give in to the ridiculous touristy aura of the tiny main drag in Kona, which was all bars and restaurants on second-floor decks over ABC Stores and the like. We went to Lulu’s, because the book said they were offbeat and their servers had horrible attitudes; it screamed Luce to me. Of course, no place can ever be Luce but the real thing. The main lesson of the night was do not make eye contact with drunk guys at any cost!

But the nachos were awesome.

We arose mas early, got coffee, and headed back to Volcanoes National Park. Stephanie made the drive in about 2 hours, which is remarkable; it’s only 90 miles, but then it’s also Hawaii. We took Chain of Craters Road 20 miles down to the southern coast, where Kilauea is still actively producing lava.

On the way, I called the 800 number to get the lava update. They tell you where red lava was last sighted in the park, and give you about a million safety precautions. You drive down to the ranger station at the end of the road (it used to be a much longer road until it was buried in lava), you hike in a half-mile, and then you start climbing. They tell you to come fully prepared for a hardcore hike, and not to even think about it if you’re any kind of pussy.

The park ranger at the station explained to us where the lava was sighted: they had four beacons set up, three following the coast to mark the do-not-cross-or-fall-in-the-ocean-and-die line, and then the fourth inland near the furthest reaches of the safety zone. He said the lava could be found somewhere around the 3rd and 4th beacons, somewhat inland. We set off on the hike.

I’m having a very hard time explaining the hike through the lava field. It was like nothing I’d ever seen before, and nothing I ever expected to see in my lifetime. It was the most surreal, barren, and beautiful landscape. It makes me cry to think about it now; it was completely unbelievable.

lava spilling into the pacific

As we climbed lava hills along the coast, we could see the steam plume rising from the ocean. We had been warned that the vapor from the plume contained hydrochloric acid and bits of lava glass. To get out to the fourth beacon, however, you kind of have to spend some time near the plume. It made me nervous.

The route out to the first beacon was marked with little glow-in-the-dark tabs to lead the way. People hike the route at night, because it’s easier to see the red lava. (Having done that hike during the day, I think anyone who does it at night is either insane or suicidal.) Once you get there, you’re on your own… you know the general direction of the beacon, but it’s way too far away to see it. You just walk and hope to find it. We managed to find 2, then completely missed 3 somewhere near the coast. As we were about to collapse from fear of being lost in the lava field, we found 4, and took triumphant photos with it (involving rock hands, as usual).

pahoehoe

I was pretty worried at that point about the steam plume. I licked my lips and had the most horrible taste in my mouth. In addition, the lava out that far was a lot less stable. There were big collapsed holes where gas bubbles had burst. I’d walk over areas that were much, much hotter than the rest. We knew there had to be fresh stuff nearby, but didn’t know how much longer we should be out there. Finally, we saw a couple walking back from much farther out; they said they saw some red rocks about 45 minutes away, but no flowing lava or anything. We didn’t want to die and were running low on water, so we decided to head back. It was a hell of a long hike, and it was hot.

fresh lava – still glass

Halfway back to the ranger station, Stephanie slipped and slid down onto a rock. Well, lava being like glass, it did some damage. She had blood running down the back of her leg like crazy. We did our best to clean it up with Kleenex, and she had to limp the last couple miles back to the ranger station. By the time we got there, we were out of water, covered in this strange volcano dust probably consisting mostly of acid, and exhausted.

We went to Volcano Village and found nothing of use, so we drove into Hilo for supplies to patch her up. We then drove back around the top of the island (which is now known as the ‘fast route’), and arrived in the Kona area around six.

We drove south 20 miles or so to the national historic park of Puuhonua o Honaunau. It had been a sacred site and place of refuge in the 16th century for warriors and people who had violated kapu (taboo). [Note: kapu quickly became one of our favorite words of all time.]

the big’un was about 6″ long.

We arrived at the perfect time. The sun was starting to set, and the place was beautiful and serene. It was a salt-and-pepper sand beach around an inlet, with ceremonial huts and tiki idols. We climbed on the lava rock amongst tidepools and and looked for sea turtles.

puuhonua o honaunau

We both spent time wandering around by ourselves, and I felt like it was one of the most perfect, calming places I’d ever been. I took almost 40 photos there, just trying to capture it.

We stood with the tiki statues at the mouth of the little inlet and watched the sun disappear into the ocean. It’s a place and time I’ll never forget.

After dark, we drove back to Kona Town and the touristy strip again for dinner. This time it was enchiladas at a Mexican place. I realized as I was sitting there overlooking the street that I had become completely accustomed to that constantly-sticky feeling one gets from excessive heat and humidity. It’s something that drives me crazy at home, but in Hawaii it just seemed to fit.

We got up early and stopped at Starbucks for coffee before heading to the airport. I was way too excited to buy the special edition Hawaiian Starbucks card, to complement my superspecial ‘original’ card from Seattle. If I was also supersmart I’d have bought extras, because baristas always try to buy them off me. Alas, I am not supersmart at all.

rock graffiti

We had discovered the night before that the Big Island has some of the most fascinating road-graffiti I’ve ever seen. North of Kailua-Kona, it’s all black-rock lava fields. People take white rock and leave messages all over. They’re everwhere, and must look amazing from a helicopter.

The Kona airport, as I’ve mentioned, is a series of tiki huts. There’s the long building with all the check-in counters, and once you get past there, it’s a few huts for gates, and restaurant/bar hut, and a shopping hut. We spent 5 minutes in the shopping hut buying tacky postcards, and the rest of the time in one of the gate-huts writing them out. Luckily, I had about 30 of them to send, or I’d have been bored to death.

kona tiki-huts

We arrived at the usual pre-flight time, which meant way too early for such a little airport. It took about 5 minutes to return the car, get the shuttle back (the shuttles at the Kona airport are completely unnecessary), and check in. This time we were flying Island Air, and the people were just as friendly. The flight was barely half an hour long, but we still got beverage service.

haleakala

We flew to Maui on a turboprop jet that was smaller than a tour bus. I loved it. We could see both of the islands at the same time from the air. I saw the huge resorts around Wailea, Haleakala, and sugar cane fields as we landed.

wailea resorts

As before, we got to climb right out onto the tarmac. The Maui airport was much bigger, though; jets are allowed to land there.

Since it was only 9:30, we decided to set out on the road to Hana, which the book described as an all-day drive (it’s 52 miles). We got the exact same car in silver and named him Captain Hook. We stopped at what was soon to become one of my favorite natural-foods markets (Down to Earth) for picnic fare, and set off on our way from Kahului.

surfers at Hookipa Beach

The road to Hana begins in Paia, a town which quickly became a favorite. It’s on the windward side,
so it’s all about windsurfing. Full of cute shops and restaurants, it’s the kind of place I love to wander. Past Paia, we wandered around Hookipa Beach at the overlook, watching the surfers and gawking at the color of the water in the tidepools. It seemed that the ocean along the beaches in Maui looked a lot different that it did on the Big Island; much more clear and turquoise.

The drive up the road to Hana is amazingly slow. There wasn’t even much traffic at that time of the morning, but it’s a tiny 2-lane ‘highway’ that turns into a single lane on bridges, of which there are more than fifty. You round a switchback at the edge of a cliff, drive down into a gulch, stop at a one-lane bridge, wait til it’s clear, then cross. Then up out of the gulch, around another tight cliff-switchback, and repeat. Each gulch had its own stream and/or waterfall coming down from Haleakala. We saw gigantic groves of bamboo, dense hanging vines, and the road was littered with flowers. We saw banana, pineapple, sugarcane, coconut, and papaya farms. It smelled like eucalyptus the whole route.

We turned off to drive down to the Keanae Peninsula, a tiny old village on a lava flow. The coast was lava rock and tidepools, with waves slamming up over the rocks. I couldn’t believe how picturesque Maui was. It was almost too much to absorb.

Outside Hana, there were roosters running around all over the road. I was a huge fan of Hawaiian Road Cock (not so much of the Hawaiian Road Weasels we saw in both living and flattened form… apparently they were some kind of mongoose). We made it to Hana close to lunchtime, and visited the famous Hasegawa General Store. I tried Maui potato chips and was unimpressed (they also made me sleepy). We considered driving the 20 miles past Hana to the 7 Sacred Pools entrance to Haleakala National Park, but the road was tiny and I later read that we weren’t actually supposed to take our rental car out there. We went back to Hana and had our picnic lunch at the beach in town, which had reddish-brown sand. After lunch, we headed back down the way we had come.

waterfall and pool

Right as we left Hana, it started raining. It was mostly heavy mist, which didn’t prevent us from getting out of the car and hiking around by a waterfall, even though we came back drenched. Then the rain really began, and we all of a sudden knew the meaning of rainforest. It was insane driving on that tiny, winding road in a downpour. I also started to understand why they said those little streams could turn into raging rivers within seconds.

bamboo grove

As we turned out of one gulch, we saw a giant rainbow. Even though we saw them daily in Hawaii, it was still amazing. We drove back to Kahului and checked into our hotel. It was another of those tacky 60s-style a-frames on the outside, but the rooms were awesome. We changed into bathing suits with our regular clothes over the top, and headed over to the other side of the island, to the resort beaches.

The western side of Maui is the leeward side, and Lahaina is the biggest town (it’s 22 miles from Kahului to Lahaina). North of there, it’s mostly beach resorts. We drove to Kaanapali and found the well-hidden public beach access. For late afternoon on the fourth of July, it wasn’t terribly crowded. The beach was a few miles long with golden sand, and we could see both Lanai and Molokini Crater from there.

kaanapali beach

Now, I haven’t gone swimming since I was in high school, and my skin crawls at the mere thought of putting on a bathing suit. But, dammit, I was in Hawaii, and I was going to swim in the ocean. We laid out our towels and bags, and as Stephanie stood there telling me how she really didn’t want people there to see her in a bathing suit, I ripped off my clothes and ran into the ocean.

It was wonderful. There were big waves coming in, so we jumped around in them and fought against the current. I didn’t like walking in the seaweed that was 20 feet out from the shore, so I started swimming up and down the beach. Stephanie got caught by a big wave and yelled at the top of her lungs, “IT’S PULLING ME OUT TO SEA!!!” I laughed so hard I almost drowned.

We watched the sun set over the ocean again, then decided it was time to head to Lahaina for fireworks. We showered and rode back into town wearing our towels, then got dressed in a parking lot. We went to a little outdoor taco place with 800 varieties of salsa, and took turns going to the bathroom on the other side of the strip mall to wash up. While we were at Starbucks getting the critically-important evening coffee, we heard the fireworks starting. We walked a block down to the main street and found an open spot from which we could see them being fired from the harbor. The fireworks were OK; they were the same standard seen in most places in the country, set to painfully-cheesy patriotic hits such as Born in the U.S.A.. However, it was incredible being there in a huge crowd of people from all over the world, gathered in that little town on Maui.

As the fireworks were ending, a couple teenagers tossed a big firecracker into the middle of a bunch of people. A woman yelled, “MY BABY!!!” exactly in that way panicked women yelled, “MY BABY!!!” in superhero cartoons of my youth. Apparently, it went off too close to her kid’s stroller for comfort. She set her husband on the teenager, and a fight started. Then the shrieky lady was crying, trying to hold her husband and his flying fists away from the stupid kids. The whole group of them had had way too much to drink. Then the cops became involved, and the fun ended.

We wandered in and out of shops along Front Street. I liked Lahaina for its touristy but not-too-tacky atmosphere; it reminded me of a clean version of New Orleans. There were a bunch of surf shops, 10 or so ABC Stores (about 5% of what Waikiki has), various galleries and souvenir shops, and lots of restaurants. I bought some clothes and a bamboo purse. We decided to come back to Lahaina during the day to see the rest of the sights, so we headed back to the car. On the drive back to Kahului, we noticed THE STARS. I had never seen the sky like that before. It was late and we were tired, so we decided to save that for another night as well. We went back to the hotel, showered sand out of our butt cracks, and went to sleep.

Our first full day on Maui was dedicated to relaxing, which is sometimes a challenge for us on vacation. We put off volcano-climbing til the next day, and headed out to see what else was going on around Maui.

We drove south to the resort areas of Kihei and Wailea. Wailea appeared not to have a real town at all; we drove around on the winding drives through resort complexes for miles before finally finding a gas station (in Kihei, conveniently attached to an ABC Store).

We drove back to the superfancy mall in Wailea right as it opened, because Stephanie wanted to go to Tiffany, and also (this may come as a surprise), we’re fans of shopping. I was vastly amused at Tiffany, because we got some attitude presumably because of how we were dressed. If there’s anything snobby salespeople should have learned from the tech boom, it’s that sometimes even slobs have a lot of cash to spend. It’s funny.

The mall had pretty good shops, at least of the chain variety. There were the usual surf shops, souvenir stores, 8 or 9 ABC Stores, and a store selling tons of Paul Frank merchandise. I found the new version of my black skull flipflops, and purchased them with great excitement.

We had read in the travel guide about a highly-rated restaurant called Seawatch, but had trouble finding it in the maze of resort-streets (they’re not like real streets, they’re meant to confuse you into giving up and staying there forever). After two phone calls, we located it in the clubhouse at the Wailea Golf Club. Now that was some funny shit.

We sat out on the veranda, totally out of place and amused. The server had never heard the word ‘vegetarian’, so I got a not-very-good salad, but the view of the ocean was worth it. I had never in my life spent time at a golf course like that, let alone an exclusive one on Maui. It was too entertaining.

We drove back up the coast, stopping in Lahaina for coffee and to visit Hilo Hattie, because it’s the most famous tacky tourist shop in the universe (well, barring maybe Wall Drug and South of the Border), and I felt, after seeing no fewer than a million ads for it, that we should visit. I later discovered that Hilo Hattie is also located in places like Orlando and Las Vegas (as are ABC Stores), still selling Hawaiian souvenirs. I kind of love that.

We drove further up the coast, past Kaanapali Beach and the man still standing on the side of the highway dressed as a cow, complete with a giant rubber udder. We were in search of the top-rated beach on Maui, along the north shore. Kapalua is another resort community, but they’ve provided public access from one area, if you’re lucky enough to find it. Well, we’re determined, so we did.

kapalua beach

We cut through the resort, speedily evading the Jesus-freak who told me I was beautiful and should not be afraid to touch him. We snuck into the bathrooms at the resort and changed into our beach gear, then headed through the pool area and down to the beach. The resort lawn had a giant pool complex with waterfalls, pool and other game tables on the lawn, two bars, a massage booth, and beach chairs, umbrellas, and cabanas everywhere. It was pretty amazing. The beach was a smallish c-shaped inlet, with perfect-colored water and warm sand. We laid out for an hour or so, and I spent a lot of that time staring up through the palm trees at the sky.

the world’s largest banyan tree

We headed back down the coast and stopped in Lahaina again to get drinks and to witness the most gigantic banyan tree ever. It was so large that I hadn’t realized it was just one tree when I drove past it before; I just thought the courthouse had a grove planted in front of it. It’s one tree that takes up an entire city block. There was no way to fit it all in one photo.

On the way back across the island to the Kahului side, we stopped at a roadside fruit stand so I could buy papayas and a pineapple. The man there barely spoke English, and would yell, NO CHEMEEKAL! in response to whatever question I asked. By the time I returned to the car, I had adopted his bizarre accent, and couldn’t stop talking that way. I still catch myself doing it constantly. Do not do this. It ees kapu. It gave me a really bad headache, and still amuses the hell out of me.

pineapple transport

We drove back down to Paia to check out the shops I had put on the mental must-visit list the day before. A lot of them had already closed (since stores and restaurants in Hawaii open and close whenever they feel like it), but I found one awesome one with a maneki neko sarong in the window. It was pretty expensive and I have little use for a sarong in Minnesota, so I decided to pass. I got a glass neko ornament for my xmas tree instead. This didn’t stop me from obsessing about the sarong, however, because it was beautiful.

west maui mountains

Back in Kahului, we pored through the travel guide in search of restaurants that looked promising for vegetarian folks. Usually I have trouble at Italian restaurants, but the menu at Marco’s Deli seemed awesome. We arrived and found this very popular place that looked straight out of 30’s Chicago. It was awesome, and the food and service were great. I ate too much of an Italian vegetable sandwich, and returned to the hotel wanting to die of fullness.

We stopped for picnic fare at Down To Earth and headed up the side of Haleakala. The route between Kahului and the volcano takes you through upcountry Maui, which is another term for ‘Wyoming’. It’s truly bizarre to see cactus and cattle farms in the middle of a tropical island.

It’s a 25-mile drive up the side of the mountain, and we encountered several bike tours coming down. People pack in vans and shuttle to the top of the volcano to see the sunrise, then get outfitted with bicycles and ride down. Seeing those guides, I seriously considered the possibility of moving there and taking up that career. Damn web development for being so lucrative.

silversword

We drove up to the summit, at over 10,000 feet. It took me a few minutes to lose the altitude-dizziness. From the top, you can see 360 degrees around the whole island; the West Maui mountains, the valley in the middle, Lanai, Molokai, Molokini, and even the Big Island far off in the distance. I was cold in my hoodie and capris, but figured I’d warm up while hiking.

We saw the extremely rare silversword plant, which can take up to 50 years to bloom, and is only found on Hawaii. The leaves are truly silver. We were glad to see a single plant in full bloom.

haleakala

We drove down a little ways to the vistor center and trailhead. Both of our travel guides had advised us to avoid the Sliding Sands Trail, but we’re not always great at resisting a challenge.

sliding sands trail

One can take the trail all the way across the park; it’s a two-day hike, so most people pack camping equipment. We just wanted to go down into the crater, so we brought our food and tons of water (having learned from the last volcanic adventure). We had warm clothes and even a first-aid kit.

The first part of the trail, we had to pick our way around horse poop, so the beginning of the hike was alarmingly stinky. Descending into the crater, the trail was fine volcanic gravel and dust, just slightly less difficult than walking on sand. I had the sense that if I stepped off the trail, I would go sliding down the steep hill into a crater and never be seen again.

The thing I like about this kind of adventure (i.e. the kind of thing not everyone in the world gets to experience) is how other people act when you encounter them. Everyone says hi. Everyone is friendly. Everyone wants to talk about what they’ve seen just a mile down the path, or to encourage you with ‘you’re almost there!’ When a pack of horse-riders passed going uphill, every single person greeted us. It’s something you don’t see very often, which is sad.

cheaters!

We walked and walked and sometimes slid our way down the trail, constantly aware that the climb back up was infinitely harder, and supposed to take twice as long. After about three miles, we decided we should probably start heading back. We only had so much water. As we decreased in altitude, it had warmed up somewhat.

above the clouds

The climb back up was brutal. I discovered that if I walked at my usual hiking pace, I’d be painfully out of breath within a matter of 20 paces. It was a combination of the altitude, the steepness of the climb, and the fact that it was like walking on sand. I finally figured out that if I climbed really slowly, at a very constant pace, I could focus on keeping my breathing regular and not feel like I was about to have a stroke.

It’s a lot easier for me to keep moving constantly than stop and rest at regular intervals, so I’d do as long a walk as I could manage, then stop and wait. I noticed that even the people who appeared to be really seasoned hikers, totally tricked out with all the right gear and walking poles, were still moving at a snail’s pace up the mountain. That made me feel a lot better about the fitness I was starting to question. It was one of the most physically demanding things I’d ever done, second only to the Breast Cancer 3Day.

more of those stone-stacks

It was fascinating to see the differences between Haleakala and Kilauea. We had walked on new lava — not just new in terms of geologic time, but fresh lava, still cooling. The terrain around Haleakala was completely different, having had eons to weather. Half of the Big Island still looks very much volcanic, with little vegetation, and huge fields of lava. Everything except the actual crater is fairly overgrown on Maui, and the lava flows in the ocean are eroded into sharp rocks forming tidepools along the shore.

no spectre of the brocken

We were pleasantly surprised to actually survive that hike. We dragged ourselves back to the parking lot, and changed into more comfortable, not-lava-filled shoes at the car. I squatted to stretch my thighs, pulling my arms up behind me, and promptly got a massive cramp between my collarbones, something I’ve never had the joy of experiencing before. We washed volcano dust off our faces and arms in the bathroom, then drove back down the mountain to the another overlook.

The Leleiwi Overlook is one of three places on the planet (the others are in Scotland and Germany) where the Spectre of the Brocken can sometimes be witnessed. If the clouds roll into the crater valley close to sunset, you can sometimes see your gigantic shadow on them, surrounded by a rainbow.

i’m convinced nene are a myth.

We drove back down to Kahului, and went to check out Queen Kaahumanu Center, the big mall that was described in the book as looking like something out of Star Wars. We had trouble with the name, so we just called it Queen Kamehameha Center. Stephanie had a fascination with Hawaiian Macy’s; I expressed my feelings by suddenly having an overwhelming need to vomit, presumably from having eating vegetable chips an hour before. I’ve never rushed through a store to the bathrooms so quickly. That was some excitement I surely didn’t need.

i take this photo on every vacation. unsexy hiking hair.

The mall was, well, eh. It did have a cool futuristic canopy-thing, but the stores were traditional and, on reflection, I believe it was absolutely lacking in ABC Stores, which explains a lot. It didn’t have any decent restaurants, either, so we came up with another plan: we’d go back to Lahaina. We’d been joking constantly about Cheeseburger in Paradise since we’d first seen it, because I assumed from the name that it was another Jimmy Buffett restaurant like Margaritaville, which fills me with rage for no good reason except for the whole parrothead thing. But we knew they had two kinds of gardenburger there, and some goofy touristy entertainment on that order is always amusing. (Later we found out it had nothing to do with Jimmy Buffett at all except for the name. Whew.)

the a-frame hotel

We stopped at the hotel to shower first, because we were nasty. I didn’t even realize how filthy I was until I scrubbed and scrubbed and still managed to get black dirt all over the towel when I dried off. There was volcano dust in our eyes, ears, and noses. Yuck.

For the big Cheeseburger moment, I decided to wear a skirt. This probably amuses only me, but it was funny. We drove to Lahaina and waited in line outside along the ocean for half an hour, eavesdropping on the very very annoying east-coast family, praying we wouldn’t have to sit near them. We ended up seated at a shared table between a group of four who did a lot of staring but not talking, and a couple who talked a lot.

They were from Philadelphia, and were supposed to have arrived in Maui two days before, but had instead gotten in the previous night. They told us the horror story of their flight: layover in New York, layover in Texas, emergency landing for a sick passenger in Phoenix, long refueling, then finally reaching Maui. The girl told us she was terrified of flying, and actually screamed when they encountered turbulence. All of a sudden, I didn’t mind our hour-long delay at all. (Not that it made me hate Northwest Airlines any less).

We had dinner and talked to them for a long time afterward. On the way back to Kahului, we stopped at the overlook to see the stars. They were unbelievable. We could clearly see the Milky Way, and were able to pick out constellations we wouldn’t see that time of year in the north. I saw two shooting stars, three planets, and some airplanes I tried to convince Stephanie were really slow-moving comets. We went back to the hotel, packed our bags, and I showered again to remove the rest of Haleakala from my hair.

We got up and checked out of the hotel, then drove north five miles or so to the Iao Valley. Every morning up til then, the valley had looked dark and cloudy compared to the rest of the island. This was unusual for Hawaii, which is 99.5% sunny with the occasional brief monsoon. This morning, however, the valley was sunny.

coconuts and papayas

The valley is a rainforest in what used to be a caldera in the West Maui Mountains. We drove to the hiking area and went up to the overlook, then went down and walked along the stream in the valley. It occurred to me that for a place so humid and tropical, Hawaii has hardly any bugs. In that kind of weather in the midwest, we’d have contracted West Nile Virus ten times over from all the mosquitoes.

Hawaii has relatively little wildlife at all, actually. There were Hawaiian Road Cock and Road Weasel and many, many birds, but the rest of the animals we read about were most likely mythical. There is no nene. I’m convinced of it.

iao needle

The Iao Valley has its own giant phallic symbol, which the natives used to worship. They also had an exhibit about native agriculture, so we got to see all manner of fruit plants and such. I don’t know why I think banana trees are so fascinating, but they are. Also, I forgot to mention that bananas taste completely different in Hawaii. Good stuff.

iao valley

Near the mouth of the valley, there’s a large park called the Kepaniwai Heritage Garden. It’s divided into four sections, displaying Hawaiian, Japanese, Korean, and Filipino architecture. I spent a long time in each of the temples. It was beautiful.

iao valley

We drove through Wailuku, a cute old town north of Kahului, and stopped at another famous general store, the Takegawa Market. One of the things on my must-do list for Hawaii was to try poi, even though everyone is horrified of it. I had to do it. The market was the first place I’d even heard mention of poi while we were there; they had a big case, and a sign telling us to take only one package per customer, due to the shortage. The case was empty.

A POI SHORTAGE. I was heartbroken.

We drove around the dodgy areas in Kahului, then wound our way back to Paia. I had decided after much obsessing that I couldn’t live without the neko sarong. I got that, then we visited the rest of the stores we had missed, including an amazing shop full of Japanese antiques.

We got back on the road and headed upcountry to Makawao. It was here we learned about the phenomenon of the Aloha Cowboy. It was so charming. They had little Western/Hawaiian shops, and a ton of art galleries. They had a small Down to Earth and a mystical crystal shop; it was hippie central. In one of the galleries, I found the most amazing little carved box. It looked like ivory but wasn’t; it had a unique smell to it that I figured was some kind of wood. I carried it around the store with me, in love, then finally brought it up to the counter. I asked the woman there what it was made of. She said, “Well… it’s cow bone.”

That was the end of my love for that.

We followed the travel guide to the much-recommended Cow Country Cafe in Pukalani, and had a lot of trouble finding it, due to Hawaiians’ immense dislike for street signs. We finally found a closed restaurant where we figured it was supposed to be, only it was called something completely different. We called them and were informed that that was the place, but they were closed due to a plumbing disaster. Ack.

We went back to Makawao and dined at Casanova Restaurant, which doubled as a gigantic Italian nightclub in the evening. I’m not sure what the deal was with the 30s-gangster-style Italian places, but I loved it. Our server was awesome, and the food was excellent. After lunch, we went back to Lahaina one last time so Stephanie could finish her souvenir shopping. We walked around for a while, but it was painfully hot. Since we still had four hours to kill before our flight back to Oahu, and because it’s a huge pain in the ass getting into Waikiki at night, we decided to call Hawaiian Airlines and see if we could get onto an earlier flight. It was easily arranged, and we were on our way to Kahului Airport.

Airport security was stepped up somewhat. We didn’t know at the time that there had been bombings in London. As we got to the scanners, they pulled us out of line to tell us we had to be screened. As Stephanie realized afterwards, our boarding passes were flagged, presumably because we switched flights at the last minute.

I waited while they wanded her, and I knew I was going to have some trouble when they paused over items like the clasp on her bra, and the zipper on her shorts. The TSA girl was extremely thorough. I stepped up for my turn, and she checked my bra clasps and earrings. When she got to my front, the wand beeped and she stopped. She tried again and it beeped. She looked confused. I said, “They’re pierced.” She looked very, very uncomfortable.

She told me to wait there, and disappeared. Then she came back again and told me to follow her. She wandered aimlessly around the secured area, obviously unsure of what to do. She finally flagged down an older female officer and whispered to her. The woman asked me to follow her, and we went into the little guardroom area where they changed clothes. The older officer apologized and explained that they had to have proof of everything that set off the scanner. I said I understood. She stammered and started apologizing again. I said, “Um, I’m kind of in a hurry.” I pulled up my shirt and bra and gave them proof. The old lady winced and apologized two or three more times. I laughed hysterically all the way to the gate.

rainbow over pearl harbor

The flight back to Oahu was on a much bigger plane with assigned seats. Sad. We were at the Honolulu airport by 6:30, and had picked up our car (Captain Crunch). We checked into our hotel in Waikiki, cleaned up, and headed back out to find dinner and wander around. We were back at the hotel by 10, and we crashed.

Only one of the two elevators at our 15-story hotel worked, so I felt like I was riding in a Japanese-tourist clown car on my way to get coffee. The elevator was packed full when we stopped on the 5th floor and were presented with a family pushing a stroller. And they managed to fit in. I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t been there, gasping for oxygen.

At Starbucks, an old southern lady behind me asked me for coffee advice. She said, “The drinks here are all so different than they are in the states!” I thought, It’s Starbucks! Bastion of homogeneity! I recommended she get a latte. Skim, for her health.

This was our day to explore Oahu, since now we had a car and weren’t trapped in Waikiki. Or so we thought. It’s nearly impossible to find your way onto the H1 heading west from that area; east appeared to be completely kapu. We ended up taking local streets until we got very near the south shore.

BLOWHOLE.

It was fairly overcast that day, for the first time since we’d been there. We saw Sandy Beach, the most dangerous windsurfing beach in Hawaii. We stopped to see the Halona Blowhole, which spawned infinite amusement. I’m not sure why I was surprised to find that the windward coast was just as rainforest-y as on Maui, but it was. The mountains dropped off very sharply about 2 or 3 miles inland, so there was a larger plain between the cliffs and the ocean.

We got irritatingly lost in Kailua, and I’m not sure if it was the travel guide or the street-sign thing or the fact that there are only 12 letters in the Hawaiian alphabet, so most of the words sound exactly the same, and some of them actually are the same. Kailua? Wasn’t that where we stayed on the Big Island? Didn’t we just come from Kahului? It was confusing.

valley of the temples

very hungry koi

North of Kailua, we found our way to the Valley of the Temples in Kaneohe, hidden at the back of a gigantic cemetery on a hill. It’s an exact replica of the Byodo-in Temple of Equality near Kyoto, and it was beautiful.

We rang the three-ton gong, walked all around the grounds, lit incense in the temple, smashed pennies at the gift shop, and bought bags of food for the hundred billion koi that lived there. We also fed the swans, a few varieties of ducks, and woodpeckers.

inside the shrine

I don’t know why I love temples and Chinese and Japanese gardens so much. There’s something about the sense of calm and serenity there that’s absolutely unique.

chinaman’s hat (hey, i didn’t name it)

We continued on our drive around the island, heading north. We had tried to get reservations for ATV rides into the valley where they filmed Jurassic Park, but they were booked, and it was kind of rainy anyway. We stopped and walked around Kualoa Beach, from which Coconut Island is visible, i.e. Gilligan’s Island. Ha.

more stone stacks!

There was a long series of little beach towns after that, each with about 10 vowels in their names. I yelled when we drove through one with hundreds of stacked stones all piled along the edge of the beach. I have no idea what that was all about, but I loved it.

this happens a LOT in hawaii.

We rounded the northeast corner of the island and found ourself in true surfer country. Also, shrimp farms, which were kind of bizarre. Outside Haleiwa, we turned off the “highway” and headed up the bluff to Puu o Mahuka Heiau (yeah, you go ahead and try to pronounce that), a sacrificial site overlooking the ocean. The road in was a half mile of single-lane dirt path with very tight curves, so anytime we encountered a vehicle, we’d both go inching off the sides of the road into the grass. It was kind of ominous.

puu o mahuka heiau

The little sign there warns that it is kapu to move the stones.

offerings

The sacrificial site itself is about two football fields long. It consists of a rectangle of lava rock, sloping downhill. At the top, there’s a wooden altar covered in fruit, flowers, and leis. I expected it would have a similar feel to the place of refuge at Honaunau, but it was fairly vacant. It was creepier knowing it was out in the middle of nowhere, and obviously we were easy prey for sacrificial-site serial killers.

there’s a car in there. scary.

Haleiwa is the ultimate surfer town, even though the waves aren’t very high during the summer. I was excited by the shops, of course.

cholo’s, haleiwa

We had lunch at an awesome Mexican place with Dia de los Muertos stuff covering the walls. I had a spinach quesadilla and considered taking a long nap. I realized that I was starting to tire out. We shopped for a while, then headed back to Honolulu.

surf shop in haleiwa

It was later in the afternoon, so we thought we could probably fit in Pearl Harbor, but then discovered it closed at five. We decided to do the hike up Diamond Head instead, so we drove all the way through Waikiki (it sounds a lot easier than it is), to discover that closed at six. On the way through Waikiki, we saw several rainbows, including my favorite, the lazy rainbow, which appeared to just be laying across the road. I could relate.

We headed over to Ala Moana Center, because, like Hilo Hattie, I had seen about 500 ads for it. Also, it has a Japanese department store, but I had completely forgotten that by the time we got there. We parked and took some time figuring out how to actually get into the mall (this is a strange trend I’ve discovered in California and Las Vegas as well… malls have very few, very hidden entrances, apart from the anchor stores). She was excited by Sephora; I nearly peed my pants with delight to find they had a Shanghai Tang. We explored the whole mall, and I found Shirokiya last of all.

I crept around the store, wide-eyed and gawking. It was better than Japantown in San Francisco, even. It was the store of my dreams.

Honestly, I can’t even remember what we did that night. I’m sure it involved dinner and then sleeping. I was fairly exhausted by then.