I woke up extremely early on Monday, but forced myself to sleep til 8:30. The five-hour time difference was really disconcerting, but it meant I managed to get up bright and early almost every day we were there.

We walked to the nearest ABC store (‘nearest’ usually means within about 50 feet), got coffee, and went to see Waikiki Beach. This was Matt’s first time in Hawaii, and I was excited to show him around!

We wandered down the street looking for a place for a quick breakfast. We didn’t find anything great right away, but we did find a guy with some birds. One of which went on my head. It was already my greatest day ever, and it wasn’t even 10am.

(I’ll remember that green parrot forever. He struck me as the nicest animal I’d ever met, and I wanted to steal him. A lot!)

We finally found a patio restaurant offering a Hawaiian ‘plate brunch’, which had bacon and a Kalua pork patty. Matt was very happy with that, and I was excited for my muffin and local fruit.

We walked back to the hotel for our bags, checked out, and waited out front for our shuttle to the airport. It was time to go to Kauai! Steve and Colleen were waiting for us there, after all.

There were only four of us on the shuttle, so we got to the airport really early. We went to the bar for a beer and watched California high school football on TV. When the plane arrived, we got to walk out to it on the tarmac. That will never not be extremely exciting for me, especially when there’s open seating like a bus.

The flight was 37 minutes long, which is enough time to take pictures of both islands from the air, and read the in-flight magazine. It was alright that they didn’t have Skymall, because there wouldn’t be enough time to even start laughing at it.

Honolulu from the air (Diamond Head on the right in the distance)

Kauai

We boarded another shuttle at the airport in Lihue; it was supposed to be shared, but we were the only people on it. On the way to the resort, we saw about a million wild chickens on the side of the road, and it was funny every single time.

The driver dropped us off at the Sheraton Kauai on Poipu Beach, where we were greeted with shell leis and led to the front desk. We went to the room and stood on our lanai peering at the garden pool, trying to locate Steve and Colleen. We saw a guy who looked kind of like Steve with a woman who wasn’t Colleen, so we decided they were swingers. It was the only explanation, really.

It turned out they were at the beach pool instead, so we changed into our bathing suits and headed over to find them.

Before swimming, though, there was very important business to attend to: our first mai tais in Hawaii. And some food, because we were dying.

After eating, we went to swim in the ocean. The waves were pretty high, and there was a sharp dropoff near the beach. We floated around for a long time, talking about Sharktopus and high-fiving waves (which eventually led to wavepunching). After a while, we went to go swim in the pool instead.

Round about dinnertime, we showered and changed, met at a daybed in the lobby which would quickly become our customary meeting spot, and went to the Point for food. I had a cheese pizza and a couple mai tais. (While everything else about the Sheraton was excellent, their vegetarian options were incredibly subpar: caesar salad, cheese pizza, and unappealing vegetable pasta. Not good at all.)

We went to hang out in the lobby and talk til around 11pm, at which point we were all ready to doze off. Something about mai tais and the ocean will do that to you, so we headed to bed on Hawaii’s 6th largest island.

Tuesday morning, I got up early and sat on the lanai to write and watch some more swingers at the pool. (I knew they were swingers because the dude had speedos and a ponytail. Duh.) Even at 9am, it felt like the sun was strong enough to burn! Around 9:30, we met Colleen and Steve for brunch at our resort. They had an awesome deal where if you agreed to skip room-cleaning for a day, you got a free buffet meal. Also, this was the view:

Brunch was by far their best food selection. Mine consisted of things like a mini waffle with macadamia nuts and coconut, papaya, cottage cheese, and miso soup.

While Steve rented a car for the day, we watched the fishing bird from our daybed. He seemed really annoyed that we were watching him not catch fish.

Since we’d arrived in Kauai, I’d been talking about Old Koloa Town. Mostly I liked the sound of it, but I decided that Old Koloa Town was obviously where everything awesome happened. Matt and I had driven through it on the way to the resort, but that was all I really knew about it. Regardless, I was convinced that it would be fantastic.

We got the car and headed south to the Spouting Horn, Kauai’s very own blowhole! Since our friends had arrived on the island in the dark, it was also their first chance to see the feral chickens everywhere (apparently the Sheraton bans them).

These were all over the ground. What are they? I need to find out.

We watched this rooster wander into a sprinkler and flop around on the ground, taking a bath whenever it passed over him. It was beyond hilarious.

Blowhole ahoy!!

We went to go check out the local vendors set up nearby, and found both ukelele-playing and surfing Obama bobbleheads. We each got one, of course. I also picked up a cute cooler bag that would serve us very well at the beach over the next week or so.

From the Spouting Horn, we headed down around the south end of the island, toward Waimea Canyon; it’s known as the Grand Canyon of the Pacific.

Along the way, Matt became obsessed with the campaign signs along the road, and decided he liked Duke Aiona because of his name. We had other favorite candidates for various offices, but Duke was far and away the favorite. How could you not vote for someone named Duke? We went so far as to research his life story on Wikipedia. (When we got home, Matt checked the election results: Duke did not win, unfortunately. But politically, the other candidate was more awesome.)

The Hawaiian ‘red dirt’ thing is not a joke. Sometimes it’s even purple.

We stopped to buy a coconut from a couple of dudes in a truck on the side of the road, who hacked it open with a machete and gave it to us to drink. Then we went up to the canyon overlook. Photos don’t really do it justice:

There was a guy set up in the parking lot selling all kinds of Hawaiian treats, like dried coconut, mango, taro, macadamia  nuts, and lots of candy. We picked up several bags of it, then went down to do some hiking on the nature trail.

Colleen and Steve love nature!

We descended from the mountains, stopped at a subpar gift shop, and then drove into Waimea. Our map showed a Captain Cook monument (at the place he landed and discovered Hawaii), but we were completely unable to find it. There were only about 4 roads in Waimea, and all of them seemed to lead to construction. I’m not convinced that monument exists.

We stopped at the unusual-but-delicious Island Tacos in Waimea, then Steve and Colleen went to get shave ice while we waited outside, watching the local high school football team practice. I did not envy them wearing full uniforms and pads in that heat.

From there, we stopped to see the Old Russian Fort outside of town. This and a pile of rubble that used to be walls is all that’s left of it!

We headed back in the direction of Poipu, with one very important destination in mind: OLD KOLOA TOWN. We needed to do some souvenir shopping, and wanted to pick up some non-resort-priced booze for the beach.

Our first stop was the wine store, which had a decent selection of local liquor and beer. We picked up some Koloa Rum to bring home, and got some six-packs of beer and cheap rum for the hotel. We hit up a few more shops for souvenirs, and Steve picked up a boogie board for $9. As we were walking down the street, Colleen noticed a sign that was like a beacon to us all: $3 mai tais for happy hour at the pizza place. We couldn’t get to a table fast enough.

We ordered drinks and half-price appetizers. The bruschetta was gone within a couple of minutes, and Colleen used the pregnant lady excuse to order more, even though it was us who really wanted them. We had another round of $3 mai tais, then walked over to the grocery store to stock up on sunscreen, snacks, pop, and red cups. At that point, it was clear that I was correct about Old Koloa Town: it did, in fact, have everything we could ever want.

Back at the resort, we decided to meet at the garden pool near our room, because it was never crowded. We brought the beer and rum along, even though I’m sure the resort would’ve frowned on that. As it approached 9pm, we decided to head to dinner. The resort had long since stopped serving in the restaurant, so we drove over to Josselyn’s Tapas Bar in a nearby shopping center.

The place was less than half-full, but the service was remarkably slow. Soon after we arrived, a huge group of very loud, very drunk people gathered near the bar and proceeded to have a party. The food was pretty decent, but the server screwed up our drink orders repeatedly. It was supremely annoying, so at least dinner was good!

By then it was close to our 11pm bedtime, so we headed off to our rooms. There was no adjusting to the time change, it seemed! Matt and I had a Coconut Porter on our lanai, then headed to bed.

Since we still had the car, we went to get breakfast at Poipu Shopping Village. (It seems that not much is easy walking distance from the resorts in Kauai.) We found good food at Poipu Tropical Burgers, and then did some more souvenir shopping at the Whalers General Store (it’s totally a ripoff of ABC Stores).

From there, we headed back to Old Koloa Town, because I just couldn’t get enough! I’d decided to buy a driftwood sculpture I’d seen in a store the previous day and resisted because it was way too big for our luggage, but they’d convinced me that we could easily ship it home via the post office across the street. Matt and I had brought our other souvenirs along, so we packed the largest-possible flat rate box full to bulging and sent it back to Minneapolis for $15. You really can’t beat that deal, especially when you might be running into bag overage fees.

We went back to the resort to drop off the car, and headed to the beach. It was a very hard day, obviously:

We swam in the ocean, then the pool, then went back to the ocean to snorkel and boogie-board. None of us could quite get the hang of the boogie board, but it was fun to float around on it anyway. I went over to the nearby reef to snorkel, and couldn’t believe how big the fish were that close to shore!

Matt and I were in the stages of some decent sunburn, so we covered up and headed to the pool bar to watch the Twins playing the Yankees in the ALDS. I was worried there would be Yankees fans around and we’d have to fight, but we were the only ones watching.

When things went downhill in the 6th inning, we were so stressed out we went to go swim in the pool. The game really didn’t go well, but something about being on the beach in Kauai drinking mai tais dulled the pain. A lot.

Around sunset, we went over to the Point for their torchlighting ceremony. They gave everyone free mai tais, and we all gathered to watch the sunset. Could you ever get sick of this?

We stopped at the resort shop (Poipu Sundries, home of the Hula Angel) and picked up some more beer to take to the garden pool. We liked that it seemed generally unsupervised there.

Since we’d had a few (or many) mai tais, Matt and Steve and I decided to learn how to drink beer underwater, which then developed into a contest. Also, I proved I could swim the entire length of the pool with a red cup on my head like a fez. You know you’re jealous.

After a while, we went to change for dinner, and headed to Naniwa, the sushi restaurant that was only open a couple days a week. I was nervous I wouldn’t be able to find anything there, but they assured me they could make me vegetable tempura. It was delicious, and so was the cocktail with soju and grapefruit.

We said goodnight to Steve and Colleen and headed to the Point for an after-dinner drink. The place was amazingly empty even though it wasn’t even 10pm. Resorts aren’t really much for late-night entertainment, although the eavesdropping and the bartender were pretty amusing. And my passionfruit mojito was delicious!

I got up at 8am, because even after almost a week in Hawaii I hadn’t adjusted to the time difference. I was smart this time, and put on sunscreen before going to sit on the lanai. We were a little crispy at that point.

We met for brunch at the buffet , where Steve declared himself a waffleologist and invented “mini-waffles three ways”. It was impressive. We then headed to the beach to swim for a while. On the way to our chairs, I felt a sharp pinch on the underside of my foot, then burning. It hurt so badly when I stepped down that I thought it was glass, but there was nothing there but a red spot.

I hobbled to the chair, and by that time the spot was painful and burning. I couldn’t believe how much it hurt. I’m still not sure whether it was a bee or jellyfish, but I know I never want that to happen again. Even two weeks later, it still got stiff and itchy. Gross.

In the ocean, Matt practiced his wavepunching:

I’d remembered to bring my underwater camera case this time, so I could get pictures in the ocean. It’s always such a novelty.

Shortly after 11, Matt and I went to drag our bags down to the bellman and check out. Our flight wasn’t til that evening, but we had to vacate the room. We went back to the beach, and I did some more snorkeling, even though the waves were a little rougher than the last time. The big fish were still hanging out, though, and I could see the coral a little better.

We saw a sea turtle swimming by, too, but he was too quick for me to get a picture. I didn’t expect them to come so close to the beach!

Round about 12:30, we went to catch the Twins-Yankees game at the pool bar. This viewing involved mai tais, beer, and caesar salad. You know I’m all class.

When it was time for the 7th inning stretch, Matt and I headed to the pool to go down the waterslide. Again, it helped lessen the pain of the Twins getting knocked out of the playoffs. Even our rally mai tais couldn’t help them!

It was finally time to leave Kauai, so we left Steve and Colleen with a stockpile of items: Matt’s snorkel, half a bottle of rum, some beer, our collection of umbrellas, and our coconut from Waimea valley. Then we went to the front desk to get the key to the courtesy room.

The courtesy room is ingenious: it’s just piled full of towels, shampoo, conditioner, and soap. You can shower and change after being at the beach, then repack your bags. Thanks, Sheraton Kauai!

We headed back down to the beach to say goodbye to our friends, and take some more pictures of the perfect beach. Sigh.

Our shuttle arrived around 4:30, with a driver-in-training and trainer whose banter was really entertaining. The driver had gone to school at Vanderbilt, and spent time as a cab driver in New York. We never found out exactly how he’d ended up in Kauai. We got to the airport in Lihue around 5:15, and everyone working there was incredibly nice. (The security guy called Matt ‘bruddahman’. So funny.) As we had time to kill, we of course headed to the airport bar. Wouldn’t want to break our streak or anything. Matt got a ‘tropical itch’, and the included backscratcher provided a lot of entertainment.

We managed to get exit row seats on the flight to Honolulu, but were seated 2 rows apart on the flight from there to Maui. Since all the flights in Hawaii are somewhere between 30-45 minutes, it wasn’t much to complain about.

We landed in Maui around 9, got our rental car – a Dodge Caliber we promptly named Gaylord – and headed toward Lahaina. We needed dinner badly, so I found the first parking spot in town and we walked over to Cheeseburger in Paradise, because I knew they had vegetarian items there. The guy at the podium said they’d just stopped serving food at 10pm, and that there were only 2 places that still had open kitchens. One of them was called Moose McGillycuddy’s, so we chose the other.

Lahaina Coolers was a few blocks away in an old mansion, and there were a bunch of locals hanging out at the bar. The menu was fantastic, and they had Coconut Porter. We were set.

Post-dinner, we drove up to our hotel on Ka’anapali, north of Lahaina. I’d picked it based on the reviews and its reputation as ‘the most Hawaiian hotel’. It was definitely 60s-era, and the rooms were in need of a decorating update, but everything was very clean and definitely Hawaiian-looking. We didn’t do much in the way of exploring beyond noting the people at the tiki bar; it was 11:30, which was getting to be our usual bedtime in Hawaii.