We got up at 9 on Saturday morning, had an equally great breakfast on our patio again, then walked into Hamilton to go to the Gosling’s liquor store. We wanted some beer to take to the beach, and to find out what unfamiliar rums they might want to sell us. The guy there told us that since we were flying out, we would have to buy duty-free at the airport, which was fine with us. They had regular and duty-free prices listed for everything, and the difference was huge. We decided to just pick up some Scrumpies for the beach.

We stopped at a couple other souvenir shops on Front Street (knowing it might be our last chance, since they’d be closed later), then headed back to the hotel to get the beach shuttle.

We ended up riding there with a group of women from New Jersey, who were pretty entertaining. We told them the story of how we got there, and they were all very excited about it. When the driver found out we were from Minnesota, he started exclaiming about the Twins, and told us how he was one a very good minor league ballplayer in the U.S. (he lives part-time in New York). He told us he’d be back to pick us up at the beach at 3:30, and we told him we may or may not take the bus back earlier, so he shouldn’t wait on our behalf.

Elbow Beach was gorgeous. Only slightly less gorgeous than Horseshoe Bay, which had cemented itself in my mind as my favorite.

We walked down to the Australian guy with chairs and umbrellas (we named him Crocodile Dundee, of course) and rented a couple. We sat and enjoyed a couple of Scrumpy Jacks, and marveled at how very hard our lives were.

We went to swim for a while, and Matt practiced his wave-punching. I couldn’t believe how clear the water was there.

We went to hang out in our chairs for a while and have another Scrumpy. There weren’t many people on the beach, but watching them was still pretty entertaining. A bit later, we went to go snorkel.

There are a couple reefs that are really near the beach, and there were way more fish there than I expected. Smiley fish was my favorite:

Once our backs were sufficiently sunburnt (we’re terrible with sunscreen) and we were starting to get hungry, we walked over to the Elbow Beach resort next door. Nobody seemed to mind that we were over there using their bathrooms, showers, and changing stalls, which was awesome. While I was changing, a guy working there asked Matt how his day was going. He said it was excellent, and the guy told him his wasn’t because Amy Winehouse died. Then he walked away, leaving Matt to wonder if that randomness was actually true.

They were preparing for a wedding reception at the downstairs bar, so we went upstairs for a rum swizzle and appetizer. They were setting up tables on the lawn there, too. I don’t even want to imagine what a wedding at the Mandarin Oriental in Bermuda must have cost.

We headed back up toward the South Road to the bus stop, wishing we’d taken the more direct route from the beach: the climb through the resort was brutal. We were very grateful, once again, for the air conditioning on the bus. We rode back to Front Street, stopped to shop at the soccer store, and then walked up to the grocery store we’d seen near the bus station. A guy was getting out of his car, and told us he was out working on his tan (he was really dark-skinned). We laughed and said we were working on burning, so he told us the solution to that was to keep moving, kind of like a rotisserie. Awesome.

Our main goal at the store was something I knew I would have to find on the island: one of my favorite snacks, Go Ahead. It’s a fruit-filled cracker made by McVities in England, and as much as I’ve searched for them, I’ve only ever found them on previously-British islands: the Bahamas and Barbados. Not only did they have them at the grocery store, but they had a NEW FLAVOR. I grabbed six packs of them to bring home. We got a couple other items for the walk, and some ibuprofin for Matt’s ankle, and headed back to the hotel, hauling a big bag of souvenirs and another big bag of wet towels and bathing suits in the oppressive humidity. I don’t think it’s possible to stay hydrated enough there. (Sometimes you have to rely on Scrumpy Jack, too.)

We dropped everything off at the hotel, cleaned ourselves up, and headed right back into Hamilton to the bus station. We were going up to St George, which is known as ‘the oldest continually-inhabited town in the New World’. And also a UNESCO World Heritage site, which makes me nerd out a lot.

The bus ride was supposed to take 50 minutes, but we got there in half an hour. We hopped off in town, and got our wander on.

I was annoyed that I couldn’t get a good picture of the state house (the most-photographed building in Bermuda), because there was a truck parked right in front of it!

We also found Sir George Somers’ heart. Yep.

We walked up the hill to see the Unfinished Church, and managed to get ourselves completely drenched in sweat again. From there, we went back down into town and out to Ordnance Island to see the Deliverance.

There were a bunch of kids jumping from the bridge, and an old guy coming out to yell at them occasionally. Also, a ton of cars would cross the bridge, make a U-turn, and head back into town. Strange.

We had a list of a few restaurants/bars we wanted to see in St George, so we went to the most famous (and nearest) first: the White Horse Pub. It was fairly early, so there were only a few groups eating out on the patio. We got a pitcher of rum swizzles, and Matt got an entree that had wahoo, snapper, and rockfish. I went with one of the few vegetarian options: a cheese pizza (I wasn’t sad about that… I really wanted pizza). The place didn’t seem to have much going on and the service wasn’t great, either (I’m sure it’s probably way better late at night), so we formulated to plan to conduct a St George’s pub crawl that would include Blackbeard’s (at a nearby resort), Tavern on the Sea, and Wahoo Bistro (the only other bar we’d seen there… the other two we had read about).

All the tables at Wahoo Bistro were full, so we grabbed the two seats left at the three-seat bar. The guy next to us introduced himself as Ian, and also introduced the bartender, Geezer, a crusty, awesome old French guy. We ordered drinks and got to talking to Ian about how awesome Bermuda was. He was British, but had been living in St George on work visas for quite a while. He said he worked as a tailor two doors down, and had only stopped in to talk to Geezer about a suit. His bag of groceries was sitting on the floor of the bar.

Ian was awesome. We talked all about where we’d gone in Bermuda, what we should come back to see, the Cup Match, and other places we’d traveled. Then we moved on to American politics, traveling the US, and finally covered the fact that Amy Winehouse had, in fact, died.

While we were talking, Ian had Geezer make us ‘the best rum swizzles in Bermuda’. We realized why that was when Matt noticed that his was no normal bottle of Gosling’s, it was overproof. They were fantastic, too. Oh, and Ian bought us the round.

We told him we were planning to go up to the bar at Blackbeard’s next, and asked how far away it was. He was a few beers in at that point, so his directions (drawn with his finger on the bar) were somewhat confusing. He finally told us he would take us out and point us in the right direction. We thanked Geezer and headed off down the street with Ian. We turned on the same street we’d taken to the Unfinished Church, and he pointed us up that way and repeated the directions. (The main thing we got from it was ‘walk through the golf course, and DON’T TURN LEFT.’) We thanked him, and he wished us well and kissed me on the cheek. I almost died of cute.

We climbed back up the huge hill past the Unfinished Church, and found the road through the golf course. We then went down the hill on the other side, and just like Ian had said, we found Tobacco Bay. It was amazing.

From there we followed the narrow road past some buildings that appeared to be abandoned, and finally saw our destination on top of a hill near the fort. As we approached, we could hear actual awesome hiphop, for the first time on our trip. It sounded like they were having a hell of a party.

We climbed up yet another hill to Blackbeard’s, and walked around the back where the music was blaring. Something seemed kind of off, though, and I noticed the sign just as a British guy approached us to tell us we’d wandered into a private party. WHAT THE HELL.

There was nothing else nearby, so we had no option but to walk the mile or so back to St George. Before heading back, though, we climbed a hill on the golf course and watched the sunset. We also watched a cat as he climbed into a sand trap, scratched around, and pooped. Hilarious.

We climbed back up the hill to St George’s and headed to the Tavern on the Sea. We got a table on the patio, and ordered a couple of Dark and Stormys. After a couple of drinks, it was getting close to time for the last couple of buses to Hamilton, so we walked up to the bus stop. The main drag was crazy all of a sudden… there was a constant stream of cars and scooters going back and forth, loud music, and people parking all over the place to go into the carryout restaurant across the street.

The bus arrived and we were on our way back to Hamilton. There weren’t many people riding, but the crowd was generally louder and more entertaining than previous rides… it was Saturday night. We approached Flatt’s Village (about halfway to Hamilton) and suddenly there was a huge line of traffic ahead of us. We saw police cars, and a bunch of cars in front of us started making u-turns and going back the other way. That wasn’t really an option for the bus, obviously.

Apparently there had been an accident on the road ahead of us, and the whole thing was blocked. Once we got nearer to the site, the police started directing cars off onto a side road to go around. The road appeared to be a beach access driveway, and was mostly sand. The bus couldn’t fit on that, either, so we were stuck waiting.

We sat there for a long time, and finally the driver got out and walked up the road to see what was up. The guys in the back of the bus were trying to convince us that the bus could totally turn around (there was no way). The driver came back and we sat, watching cops walking around and cars passing on the beach road. They were only going the one direction, though, so everyone coming the other direction was probably just sitting around, too. Finally the amusing dudes in the back said they were giving up and going to walk, so they hopped off the bus and headed up the road. Matt said, “we’re going to be seeing them again soon.”

After at least half an hour, the cops came up and started waving the bus forward. We passed a smashed-up van being loaded onto a tow truck, and the line of traffic waiting to go the other direction. There weren’t many cars there, so most of them must have given up and turned around. We got to the first stop in Flatt’s, and there were the guys who had gotten off to walk. They boarded the bus again, laughing.

Shortly after that, we picked up a big group of teenagers. They were really loud and really drunk, and made their way to the back of the bus. The driver said something to a couple of them as they got on, warning them about being rowdy. That didn’t seem to stop them, though. They weren’t really doing anything wrong, just laughing and yelling, but the driver was really annoyed by that. The massive delay plus the kids was making him angry, and he was driving so fast that we couldn’t believe it, tearing around narrow corners and stomping on the brakes. He yelled back at the teenagers to warn them again, but a couple of them just laughed.

They hit the bell for a stop, but then realized they’d pushed it too early and wanted the next one instead. The driver was having none of that, though: he pulled over and told them to get off the bus. And not just the couple of kids who requested the stop, but all of them. It took them a few minutes to all give up and sullenly leave. As we pulled away, we watched them gather on the side of the road, laughing, and suddenly a rock hit the window right by our seats. It scared the hell out of me and made my ear ring for a long time afterwards. Holy crap.

FINALLY, we made it back into Hamilton. We started recognizing buildings, but didn’t have a good sense of where we were in town. The bus stopped at an intersection, and the engine died. The driver couldn’t get it started right away, and everybody started exclaiming about it. He finally got it going again, and tore around the corner to what we realized was the bus station… having to walk from there wouldn’t have been the end of the world. As he hurtled at top speed toward the parking bay, a couple started crossing the street in front of us. The man stopped and backed up, but the lady kept right on going despite the bus honking repeatedly at her. He slammed on his brakes, barely missing her. We pulled in to the station, and everyone on the bus could not get off there fast enough.

Matt and I walked through an alley back toward Front Street, trying to decide what bar to go to. We went with O’Flanagans on Front Street, since we hadn’t been there yet. We went upstairs and grabbed a table as far as possible from the insanely loud DJ. There weren’t many people there except gathered around the bar, so they weren’t absorbing any sound. We sat there for a very long time with no indication of a server coming by, so we decided to go to the Outback Sports Bar instead. We got a table there, and Matt went for drinks. We then realized they were showing the Judah-Kahn match on giant screens all over the bar, and that almost everyone was there to see it. So we sat there and got to watch a pretty awesome fight in Bermuda, which was unlikely.

I was way too sober and about to doze off, so we decided to head back to the hotel afterwards, and get ourselves to bed. I passed out right away, but kept waking up with crazy chills from sunburn.

Since we still had the car, we went to get breakfast at Poipu Shopping Village. (It seems that not much is easy walking distance from the resorts in Kauai.) We found good food at Poipu Tropical Burgers, and then did some more souvenir shopping at the Whalers General Store (it’s totally a ripoff of ABC Stores).

From there, we headed back to Old Koloa Town, because I just couldn’t get enough! I’d decided to buy a driftwood sculpture I’d seen in a store the previous day and resisted because it was way too big for our luggage, but they’d convinced me that we could easily ship it home via the post office across the street. Matt and I had brought our other souvenirs along, so we packed the largest-possible flat rate box full to bulging and sent it back to Minneapolis for $15. You really can’t beat that deal, especially when you might be running into bag overage fees.

We went back to the resort to drop off the car, and headed to the beach. It was a very hard day, obviously:

We swam in the ocean, then the pool, then went back to the ocean to snorkel and boogie-board. None of us could quite get the hang of the boogie board, but it was fun to float around on it anyway. I went over to the nearby reef to snorkel, and couldn’t believe how big the fish were that close to shore!

Matt and I were in the stages of some decent sunburn, so we covered up and headed to the pool bar to watch the Twins playing the Yankees in the ALDS. I was worried there would be Yankees fans around and we’d have to fight, but we were the only ones watching.

When things went downhill in the 6th inning, we were so stressed out we went to go swim in the pool. The game really didn’t go well, but something about being on the beach in Kauai drinking mai tais dulled the pain. A lot.

Around sunset, we went over to the Point for their torchlighting ceremony. They gave everyone free mai tais, and we all gathered to watch the sunset. Could you ever get sick of this?

We stopped at the resort shop (Poipu Sundries, home of the Hula Angel) and picked up some more beer to take to the garden pool. We liked that it seemed generally unsupervised there.

Since we’d had a few (or many) mai tais, Matt and Steve and I decided to learn how to drink beer underwater, which then developed into a contest. Also, I proved I could swim the entire length of the pool with a red cup on my head like a fez. You know you’re jealous.

After a while, we went to change for dinner, and headed to Naniwa, the sushi restaurant that was only open a couple days a week. I was nervous I wouldn’t be able to find anything there, but they assured me they could make me vegetable tempura. It was delicious, and so was the cocktail with soju and grapefruit.

We said goodnight to Steve and Colleen and headed to the Point for an after-dinner drink. The place was amazingly empty even though it wasn’t even 10pm. Resorts aren’t really much for late-night entertainment, although the eavesdropping and the bartender were pretty amusing. And my passionfruit mojito was delicious!

I got up at 8am, because even after almost a week in Hawaii I hadn’t adjusted to the time difference. I was smart this time, and put on sunscreen before going to sit on the lanai. We were a little crispy at that point.

We met for brunch at the buffet , where Steve declared himself a waffleologist and invented “mini-waffles three ways”. It was impressive. We then headed to the beach to swim for a while. On the way to our chairs, I felt a sharp pinch on the underside of my foot, then burning. It hurt so badly when I stepped down that I thought it was glass, but there was nothing there but a red spot.

I hobbled to the chair, and by that time the spot was painful and burning. I couldn’t believe how much it hurt. I’m still not sure whether it was a bee or jellyfish, but I know I never want that to happen again. Even two weeks later, it still got stiff and itchy. Gross.

In the ocean, Matt practiced his wavepunching:

I’d remembered to bring my underwater camera case this time, so I could get pictures in the ocean. It’s always such a novelty.

Shortly after 11, Matt and I went to drag our bags down to the bellman and check out. Our flight wasn’t til that evening, but we had to vacate the room. We went back to the beach, and I did some more snorkeling, even though the waves were a little rougher than the last time. The big fish were still hanging out, though, and I could see the coral a little better.

We saw a sea turtle swimming by, too, but he was too quick for me to get a picture. I didn’t expect them to come so close to the beach!

Round about 12:30, we went to catch the Twins-Yankees game at the pool bar. This viewing involved mai tais, beer, and caesar salad. You know I’m all class.

When it was time for the 7th inning stretch, Matt and I headed to the pool to go down the waterslide. Again, it helped lessen the pain of the Twins getting knocked out of the playoffs. Even our rally mai tais couldn’t help them!

It was finally time to leave Kauai, so we left Steve and Colleen with a stockpile of items: Matt’s snorkel, half a bottle of rum, some beer, our collection of umbrellas, and our coconut from Waimea valley. Then we went to the front desk to get the key to the courtesy room.

The courtesy room is ingenious: it’s just piled full of towels, shampoo, conditioner, and soap. You can shower and change after being at the beach, then repack your bags. Thanks, Sheraton Kauai!

We headed back down to the beach to say goodbye to our friends, and take some more pictures of the perfect beach. Sigh.

Our shuttle arrived around 4:30, with a driver-in-training and trainer whose banter was really entertaining. The driver had gone to school at Vanderbilt, and spent time as a cab driver in New York. We never found out exactly how he’d ended up in Kauai. We got to the airport in Lihue around 5:15, and everyone working there was incredibly nice. (The security guy called Matt ‘bruddahman’. So funny.) As we had time to kill, we of course headed to the airport bar. Wouldn’t want to break our streak or anything. Matt got a ‘tropical itch’, and the included backscratcher provided a lot of entertainment.

We managed to get exit row seats on the flight to Honolulu, but were seated 2 rows apart on the flight from there to Maui. Since all the flights in Hawaii are somewhere between 30-45 minutes, it wasn’t much to complain about.

We landed in Maui around 9, got our rental car – a Dodge Caliber we promptly named Gaylord – and headed toward Lahaina. We needed dinner badly, so I found the first parking spot in town and we walked over to Cheeseburger in Paradise, because I knew they had vegetarian items there. The guy at the podium said they’d just stopped serving food at 10pm, and that there were only 2 places that still had open kitchens. One of them was called Moose McGillycuddy’s, so we chose the other.

Lahaina Coolers was a few blocks away in an old mansion, and there were a bunch of locals hanging out at the bar. The menu was fantastic, and they had Coconut Porter. We were set.

Post-dinner, we drove up to our hotel on Ka’anapali, north of Lahaina. I’d picked it based on the reviews and its reputation as ‘the most Hawaiian hotel’. It was definitely 60s-era, and the rooms were in need of a decorating update, but everything was very clean and definitely Hawaiian-looking. We didn’t do much in the way of exploring beyond noting the people at the tiki bar; it was 11:30, which was getting to be our usual bedtime in Hawaii.

We arrived painfully early in Dominica to find this waiting on the dock.  I was not feeling so well.

Luckily, we only had to walk a block to meet Gary from Bumpiing Tours. We’d scheduled a tour of the island with the company based on the uniformly rave reviews online. We were also pleased to discover that there was only one other couple on our tour that day, though they seemed painfully shy.

As we set out, we noticed that most of the houses and businesses had colored flags and banners hanging everywhere. Gary explained that it was election day Friday, and the island turned the event into a huge party. There was a pre-election party with drinking, pot smoking, music and dancing. Then there was the election afterparty, with more of the same. As far as we could tell, the red, blue, and green parties seemed to represent similar things, all with labor-focused messages. Also, Gary told us that traffic would back up completely around the island when one of the party leaders would start a caravan and pick up followers in a giant parade along the way. Clearly, Dominica is awesome.

It’s called the Nature Island, known more for its rainforest, waterfalls, and volcanic features than its beaches. The roads are very narrow and winding, and you drive on the left. I was happy to be in the hands of a professional, though the couple in the backseat seemed afraid for their lives. (If we survived dune buggies and cabs in Mexico, there’s little else that can scare me, driving-wise.)

Gary stopped to pick Ylang Ylang on the side of the road. It’s used in perfumes.

There was a cooler of water, juice, and beer in the van, in which we gratefully indulged. I needed as much water as possible. After 45 minutes or so, we arrived at our first stop in the mountains: the Emerald Pool. It’s about a 15-minute hike into the rainforest, and the four of us seemed to be the only people there.

It’s impossible to capture in photos (just like most of the rainforest – all you see is green). The water is indeed emerald, and there are ferns and runners hanging down from above. It looked like a Hollywood version of the jungle. Even though the water was freezing, there was no way we weren’t getting in there. The other couple hesitated, but we finally convinced them to come in. Seriously, when you have the opportunity to swim in a waterfall in the rainforest in Dominica, you damn well better take it.

We climbed out, dried off, and squished our way along the rest of the trail. Though the port is on the Caribbean side, from the top of the mountain, you can see the Atlantic:

Gary tried to bring us to the Mr Nice fruit stand, but it wasn’t open yet. (Next time!) Matt and I cracked open a couple Kubulis, the beer of Dominica. We liked it especially because there was a map of the country on the front, and we could keep track of our location. We drove back down to the Roseau Valley (where the ship was docked), and Gary pointed out the houses on stilts along the way. People would buy the land and build the upper level of a house, while camping out underneath. When the top was done they’d move in, with the intention of building the lower level when they could afford it. We didn’t see many homes with a lower level, but they were all fairly new in the mountains.

We drove through town and back up into the mountains, headed toward Trafalgar Falls. It’s the most famous destination in Dominica. On the way, Gary stopped to show us an active volcano along the side of the road.

Trafalgar Falls was crowded, as expected. There were several excursions from the cruise ship, and the van driven by Levi from Bumpiing tours, with whom I’d booked the tour. Even the climb up from the parking lot was steep, and the humidity was killing me.

We hiked down to the pools formed by the stream from the waterfall, and Gary helped us get in. I recognized the other group there as the people whose recommendations about Bumpiing Tours I’d read in the first place, on the Cruise Critic message boards. Funny!

The pools were very warm, heated by the volcano. On the right, you can see a man standing in a hole; you can actually climb down there to the pools below. Of course when the Cruise Critic people left and the other couple got in there with us, they refused to go in the hole. We had to, though, even though it bruises the hell out of your knees. It was an awesome massage, with the water cascading from above.

We eventually climbed out, and Gary led us back up the hill. I was pretty sure I was going to die at that point, because I couldn’t stop shaking. I told Gary I had too much rum punch the night before, and he instantly understood. I love the Caribbean.

We finally reached the top, and I got some more water. On the way down from Trafalgar Falls, we stopped at a roadside bar called the River Rock. We got chairs at a table on the patio, where the papayas and passion fruit used in their drinks were growing from trees in the valley. Gary got us a round of rum punches, and then hung out at the next table smoking weed. The couple with us looked like they were going to die of  uncomfortable. I really love the Caribbean.

We climbed back in the van and headed back towards Roseau. Our rum punches empty, we had another round of Kubulis and Quenchi (Dominican juice). Gary took us through the Botanical Gardens in Roseau, where we saw the most-photographed sight on the island. It’s a school bus flattened by a tree that fell on it in Hurricane David.

He showed us the sausage tree, too!

From there, we drove down to Champagne Reef to snorkel. He gave us our passes, and Matt and I headed off down the beach. The couple we were with decided not to snorkel. What the hell?

Champagne Reef is known as such because of the air bubbles coming up from below, caused by volcanic activity. The water was a little murky because the waves were high that day, but we still saw the vents with the bubbles erupting from them.

Levi swam up and said he’d seen an octopus nearby, but we couldn’t find it. I’m pretty sure Matt was really happy about that.

It was hard to get out of the water on the stony beach, but our water shoes helped a lot. Gary led us back to the van, pointing out an iguana along the way. He said that the males are grey, and the females are green and mostly hang out in the mountains.

We drove back into town, and he dropped us off near the ship. We asked him for a dining recommendation, and he pointed us in the direction of La Robe Creole around the corner. It’s well-known, and was excellent despite having the strangest rum punch yet.

I had the vegetarian plate: pumpkin puree with garlic, rice and beans, and spinach. Matt had flying fish. It was fantastic. While we ate, trucks kept driving by with giant soundsystems and bullhorns strapped in the back. They were all stumping for the various political candidates they’d be voting for that weekend.

We stopped in the duty-free shop in town to pick up more rum, including Havana Club (which is illegal in the US, obviously), then went back to the ship right before boarding time ended. They confiscated the rum this time, which was fine: they give it back to you right before debarkation, and we weren’t going to need it til we got home anyway. The Caribbean has plenty to go around.

I showered and took a nap while Matt took pictures of Dominica as we left. This, of course, was the start of my typical tropical-vacation sickness: something about the combination of heat, different foods (sometimes not enough food, because it makes me feel like not eating), hangover, humidity, sunburn, and dehydration always makes me sick. I just consider it an important part of the process, though. (What I didn’t realize til later was that I was also seasick!)

Once I rose again from the dead, we got dressed and went to see Velika in the coffee bar, then to play cribbage. The board was missing its pegs, but there were broken drink picks instead. Matt and I had some great ideas, including his new website: nakedmenblowingtheirnosesintowomensdresses.info (or .mobi). Yeah, I don’t remember where that came from, either. All we knew was that we were for sure getting a book deal out of it.

We stopped at the champagne bar to get cocktails to bring back to the room (and met the bartender Mehmet, who we’d be seeing more of later), then ordered room service.  It took 45 minutes, and we ended up with bread and butter, lemon ricotta ravioli, a fruit cup, a crostini platter, and two entrees for Matt because they’d run out of one. We only ordered about half of that. Needless to say, there were leftovers.

We went to bed a little later, but I was completely unable to sleep. The wind and waves were really bad, and I was tossing around all night. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong, but I was absolutely miserable and my head was spinning. I probably should’ve realized what it was, but I’d never had trouble with seasickness before!

I slept til 9 on Wednesday. I was able to sleep with the Dramamine, but it made my arms feel floppy, and I was really out of it. Thankfully, we had no plans in Tobago but to go to the beach.

We got in a cab to Pigeon Point beach with a driver named Benjamin. As he dropped us off, he asked what time we wanted to be picked up. He said he’d be back at 2pm, or maybe not. It wasn’t quite clear.

Pigeon Point beach is gorgeous.

We went to the dock to get on a glass-bottom boat tour of the reef for $20 apiece. Our captain’s name was Ringo, and he had giant dreads that stood up on his head like a crown. He was fantastic. There were some ladies from the east coast complaining because the boat tour was 15 minutes late. I’m pretty sure they’d never been to the Caribbean before, because 15 minutes late is pretty early.

They took us out to Buccoo Reef, where we could snorkel. The water was really choppy, so we all clung to a long rope trailing behind the boat. It was pretty difficult trying to swim, breathe underwater, hang on, and not touch the stinging coral! We saw a lot, but it was exhausting.

From the reef, we headed over to the Nylon Pool. It’s a very shallow area in the ocean, and the color is amazing.

The bottom isn’t sand, it’s crushed coral. Captain Ringo said it was exfoliating, and helped us all scoop some up so we could rub it all over ourselves. We ended up a boatful of really smooth people!

The first mate sat atop the boat, smoking weed. Irie.

They dropped us back off at the beach, and Matt and I went to the food stand for beers and roti. By then, it was already 2pm. It’s amazing how fast time flies on the beach.

We went to the cab stand and told them our driver was Benjamin. He didn’t show up til 2:45. Had we known that, we’d probably have gone swimming some more! At any rate, he finally showed up and drove us back into town.

We stopped into a few stores at the cruise port, then went to our cabin to shower. I wanted iced coffee, so we went up to the buffet to get some. We happened to arrive at tea time, so of course we had to try that out.

After tea (I want to say that every day), we went out to the back deck and got a couple mojitos while we watched the ship leaving Tobago. We saw the giant ferry that goes to Trinidad in port…

And we saw Trinidad, way off in the distance! I realized that we were at 11 degrees longitude, the farthest south I’ve ever been. And really close to South America.

After sunset, we went to the card room for a cribbage rematch with our new cocktail recipe playing cards, which I of course won. We then went back out to the bar on the aft deck to sample their daily special, the mixed berry mojito. It was delicious, though I don’t know why I was so surprised that they were using fresh berries!

We had dinner reservations at ‘Destinations’ (or as we called it, “Moments”, based on an obscure joke), a casual restaurant that was part of the buffet area. We weren’t exactly sure what was different about it, except that they had a slightly different menu and service. The menu was somewhat disappointing, though, as it had no vegetarian entrees. (Cruise ships are pretty well-known for catering to any diet… I rarely had a problem finding food.) Instead, I ordered two different salads and black bean soup.

Though the place was almost empty, we were seated next to the most fascinating couple, and we couldn’t stop eavesdropping. The guy was a higher-level crew member, and didn’t speak English very well. The woman apparently worked on Celebrity Millennium, and had time off. She kept demanding that he have the captain marry them, because she was mad that she wouldn’t see him again til January. Also, we found out that it cost her $300 to stay in his cabin, and that Captain Yanis apparently was always napping. AWESOME. We really wanted one of those spy listening devices and the recording pen you can buy from Skymall.

Then we discussed the possibility of creating a shipwide food fight, since obviously there was food everywhere you looked. I can’t really explain the details, but trust me: it’s amazing. For some reason, it ended with the lifeboats being full of sushi, and the life preservers full of mashed potato.

For dessert, we sampled a mango cheese tart and had a glass of Prosecco. We then went to shop at the little mall onboard for all our cruise-ship-related souvenirs, then stopped into Michael’s Club to see a purple-hatted lady playing piano and singing Sinatra. It was a good oldschool cocktail bar, but the fact that there were only a few people in there was a little uncomfortable. We decided to go to the casino and play slot machines for a while.

At the appropriately-scheduled time, because they only performed for something like 15 minutes a day, we went up to Revelations to see the Acapelicans. It was mostly due to the name, but we figured they must be important if they had such a short gig. They did indeed only perform for 15 minutes, and we decided to leave immediately afterwards because they were starting the newlywed game. We went to the martini bar, and had the same server as the previous night. Matt said, “In my head I’ll call him the pilot, because he was in charge of our flight.” We had an old fashioned and a french lemonade, and then it was time for bed.

We were up at 6am to prepare for our excursion in St. Thomas, but the ship wasn’t there yet. We got dressed, washed out our many yards in the shower, and put them in the closet. We had breakfast as we were arriving in port.

As instructed, we went down to the Osiris Theatre to gather for our excursion. They gave us numbered stickers, and we sat waiting for our group to be called so we could all leave together. We got off the ship and walked a short way to a waiting catamaran called the Dancing Dolphin. The captain introduced himself and his two assistants, and we were off.

We sat on the deck with our feet dangling over the water for our hour-long trip to the island where we’d be snorkeling. It was unbelievable. The skies had been overcast, but the sun came out right as we neared our destination. The girls on the boat were handing out snorkeling gear, and the captain announced that it was their intention that this excursion would be the most fun we’d have on our entire cruise. We were somewhat doubtful about that, primarily due to how early it was in the morning, and the fact that we weren’t swimming yet.

They gave us some basic instruction, taught us the sign for SOS, and then it was time to go. We had the option of jumping off the side of the boat or going down the steps into the water. We chose the steps.

One of the girls led us around the inlet, showing us where to find sea turtles, pointing out features of the reef, and feeding the fish so they’d swim around us. She told us that if we put our heads underwater, we’d be able to hear the sound of parrotfish biting pieces off the coral. They sounded exactly like Rice Krispies popping.

Wendy and I had both purchased cheap underwater camera cases that were little more than a thick ziplock bag with a plexiglas lens cover. Terrified of destroying my camera, I’d tested mine multiple times in the sink to make sure it didn’t leak. Though it was a little difficult to work the camera controls, it was one of the smartest purchases I’d made for the cruise. I’m so glad I had it for swimming with sea turtles.

the dancing dolphin

When it was time to head back, we got on the boat and were promptly handed glasses of rum punch. The second our glasses were half-empty, they’d hand us another glass of rum punch. Suddenly, we understood what they meant about this being the best time we’d have the whole cruise.

pouring some out for our absent homies

The girls working on the boat were awesome. They came around, applying temporary tattoos, and making sure our drinks were constantly full. We met some dudes who were passing out beer they’d found at the bar. One of them had a temporary tattoo on his forehead.

We quickly learned that they were Brad and Jamie, brothers-in-law from Tampa Bay. They were with their families, including a bunch of kids and grandpa. We loved them. By the time we got off the boat, we’d been invited back to their room for a party. Wendy and I had to split up the numbers of the cabin so we’d remember it: I took 72, and she took 92. We were drunk and sunburnt and it was only 10am. It was the best day ever.

We went back to our cabin to change quickly, then headed out again. We walked to the Skyride, for which we had pre-purchased tickets on the ship. We rode up to Paradise Point, taking pictures the whole way.

our ship, with charlotte amalie across the bay

There was shopping and a bar up at the top. I called Matt again while watching a lady wrangling a bunch of parrots and cockatoos. They kept yelling ‘hello!’ at me whenever I walked past. I’m not sure if he understood a lot of what I was saying, because it’d been a very long morning already. We bought souvenirs and sat in the shade at the overlook, because the sunburn was getting critical. We were all feeling kind of ill from the heat.

Once we started to feel better, we set off on a very important mission: our friends Bill and Katie had been there just a week earlier, and they’d left us a note under a rock at the top of the hill. We had specific directions from Bill on how to find it.

It was unbelievably hot and humid, and we were already dehydrated from the rum punch. As we climbed the nature trails and up above the gazebo, we were pretty sure we were going to die. Wendy and I split my entire bottle of water in just a few minutes. But we found the note, and left another one in case someone else should happen by. It read, “Hello, strangers! This is what happens when awesome worlds collide.” We included an email address.

We climbed back down to the shops and headed to the bar.

Why? Because we needed some limin’, a Bushwacker, and a Blowjob in Paradise, of course. They came with ugly souvenir glasses and everything!

On our way back down the skyride, we rode with a lady who was on our 44th cruise. She was a wedding planner from Boston, and showed us the bon voyage necklace she’d gotten for her first cruise at 21 years old. Holy crap. It would have been pretty awesome, but she also seemed kind of nuts.

We rushed back to the dock and got there right at cutoff time, but there were still several people arriving. We went to our cabin for the best meat locker time ever: TV turned to the boat-map channel, Italian opera playing quietly in the background (we liked to believe it was the captain singing as he steered the ship), us napping in our freezing-cold room. I have to confess, I do still crave meat locker time occasionally. As usual, we were asleep by the time the ship left port, and we didn’t feel it moving.

We awoke at 6:30pm and went up to the buffet for dinner. Wendy and I were both sick from sunburn (and possibly rum punch), so we had to force ourselves to eat and drink water. We went down to the card room and played canasta for a while, saw Rodrigo and Casanova, and were done by 10:30. We were exhausted. We showered off the smell of sea turtles and went to bed.

Friday morning, I awoke at 5:30 because the sun was already up. We put on bathing suits and sunscreen under our clothes and went to breakfast in the hotel. From the dining room there, we could watch the cruise ships pulling into the harbor.

A shuttle came to pick us up to take us to the harbor on Paradise Island, and we were not surprised to see that it was Frankie again. Watching Frankie drive, I was surprised we arrived anywhere safely; he only seemed to be watching the girls on the street, turning to look back at each of them as we passed. We got a tour of the Paradise Island hotels again, and then he dropped a busload of us off at the marina.

on the catamaran

We boarded the boat and went up to the top deck, even though it was only in the 70s. There was sun, dammit, and we were going to enjoy it. We laid in deck chairs and watched the islands disappear into the distance as we went out to sea.

It took about an hour to reach Rose Island, a little sliver of land that seemed to have only one property on it apart from the tour company’s outpost. On the side where the boat docked was a stairway leading down to a little inlet, which opened out onto the reef where we could snorkel. The other side of the island was a beautiful white-sand beach lined with palm trees with hammocks. On the top ridge of the island was the large deck where they served lunch. They had bathrooms, changing cabanas, two bars, and an equipment house with snorkels, sea kayaks, and floaty things for kids. That little island was hooked up.

island dog

We got masks and snorkels and headed down to the inlet. The water was cold, but it was just a matter of dunking a couple times and yelling loudly to get used to it. A couple showed us how to use the snorkels correctly; they didn’t allow flippers because they damaged the reef.

snorkeling

I thought it would be really disconcerting to breathe underwater, but it was fine. We could even talk to each other through the snorkels. We both had trouble getting the mask to seal completely, so water would slowly seep up around our noses as we swam. It didn’t really bother me to have water in the mask until it started fogging over, and then I discovered the real fun when I went to empty it: for some reason, whenever I came out of the water, I’d automatically breathe in through my nose. Salt water up my nose and out my mouth; I nearly threw up (we called it chumming the waters). After doing that three or four times, I finally managed to force myself to not breathe in while I ripped the mask off my face. YUCK.

Besides that, though, I loved snorkeling. It was amazing. Yeah, I know all those fish I see in aquariums actually live in the ocean, but I didn’t expect to see them right there. I didn’t see fish at first, and then I started to notice them hanging out in the shelter of corals, looking at us. Then I saw them everywhere. We saw friendly blue fish and nervous green fish. We saw eel-like fish peeking out of holes in the coral. We saw purple fan coral and yellow brain coral. I was experiencing the Discovery Channel live. When they called us for lunch, I didn’t want to go.

Here are several of the shots I took with my disposable underwater camera. The composition isn’t great, but I was kind of wearing a mask at the time. If you look closely, you’ll see a bunch of fish.

one two three four five six seven eight nine ten eleven twelve thirteen

rose island (reef side)

We had lunch up on the deck, from which we could see both sides of the island. It was really windy, but the sun was warm. We ate beans and rice, bread, and bananas from a giant pile of fruit in the center of the complex. We took advantage of the ‘unlimited free wine’, which was served from gigantic glass jugs (but was totally boxworthy).

perfect beach

After lunch, we went down to the beach side of the island. The waves were huge. I stood in the surf laughing my head off as each one hit me and I stumbled to stay standing. After getting knocked down twice, I followed Stephanie down the beach to explore.

exploring the beach on rose island

She disappeared on one of the secluded beaches down the shore; I decided to head back and lay in the sun. A couple guys from New York were swimming nearby, but otherwise we had the whole thing to ourselves. Right as she got back, it clouded over, and even rained for a few minutes. We gathered our things and wandered around the island for a while, then finally decided to hang out in hammocks. A bunch of the older people from the boat apparently spent the afternoon on the deck drinking the unlimited free wine, which seemed kind of silly to me when there was ocean and palm trees and hammocks to be had. You can sit on your own porch and drink cheap wine whenever you want, really.

in a hammock

The sun is out in full force until around 3:30 or 4 in the Bahamas, and then clouds start to come in the closer it gets to dusk. Stephanie insisted on riding on the top deck of the boat again on the way back, even though it was cold in the wind, without the benefit of the sun. I was wearing my bathing suit, tshirt, board shorts, hoodie, and I had wrapped myself mummy-style in my beach towel, but I was still cold. I demanded to know why we always have to be hardcore (even though I already knew the answer). We didn’t go downstairs until it started to rain.

The entire group of 25 or so were down on the first deck. The female half of the couple who had given us snorkeling advice was beyond drunk, presumably on unlimited free wine. She was demanding loudly that her husband get her another beer, that she needed help in the bathroom, and that she really really wanted to hold one of the New York couples’ babies. She sounded like a loud, whiny four-year-old, and it was something to behold. New York guy came and talked to us for a while, and he was drunk on unlimited free wine, too. There was a dad dancing in a really frightening way with his teenage daughter at the back of the boat. So, boat ride back to Nassau? Quite a spectacle.

We got back to Paradise Island, and everyone shuttled back to their hotels, saying bye to everyone else as they left. All the old people were pals, and as each couple got off the bus, the others would review their life stories out loud. I was glad we were the last ones off the bus.

We hurried to change at our hotel, because we wanted to go back to Paradise Island, but we weren’t sure how late the ferry ran. The sign said 6, but that was Bahamas time, which meant ‘whenever we feel like it’. My hair was turning blonde, and was completely straight from swimming in the ocean, but it looked awesome. It’s unfortunate that I cannot reproduce that look at home, but there is sadly no ocean about.

We walked down to the dock and waited for the ferry. It was about 5:45. At ten after six, we gave up and walked up to Bay Street to get a taxi. It costs $8 plus the $1 bridge toll to get from downtown Nassau to Paradise Island. The fares are set by the government because they used to have so much trouble with tourist-overcharging.

paradise island

We planned on exploring Paradise Island the next day, so that night we were just in search of dinner. There were four or five restaurants in Atlantis, but they were all really upscale and we were underdressed. We walked the length of the resort, then followed signs pointing to restaurants that were located outside; they turned out to be located in Marina Village, a cute little walk lined with shops that really, really reminded me of Downtown Disney.

We picked a restaurant called Bimini Road, and it was exactly the right choice. I fell in love with our server right away, an older woman who called us ‘honey’ and ‘baby’ (of course, everyone in the Bahamas calls you ‘honey’ and ‘baby’, but from her it was actually charming). She put a basket of plantain chips on the table, and we ordered drinks: I had an orange mojito I’m still fantasizing about to this day, and Stephanie got the pina colada she’d been wanting since we got there. I had a mushroom wrap with taro chips that was awesome. We stayed there a really long time, for once appreciating the fact that everything moves at such a leisurely pace there. I had a drink with rum and tamarind that I could barely touch, so Stephanie played wounded soldier: no one left behind. We tottered back towards Atlantis, weaving through a bunch of women dressed like showgirls, representing the Junkanoo Parade later that night.

crazy glass sculpture at the atlantis casino

I wanted to play video poker in the casino for a while, because I’m totally cheap and $20 lasts forever in that game (in Vegas, you can sit there for two hours playing $20 and get $25 worth of drinks, just FYI). The machines didn’t take Bahamian dollars, so I played the $6 American I had on me. I while later, I cashed out with $10. Oh, I am a high roller indeed. IN YOUR FACE, ATLANTIS!

We went out front of the resort to get a taxi back to Nassau. Our driver introduced himself as Gilbert, and proceeded to ask the usual questions: where we were from, how long we’d been there, first time in the Bahamas? By the time we got to the other side of the bridge, he had cranked the music as loud as he could, and announced that we were riding in The Party Taxi. For a minivan-taxi (as all taxis are in the Bahamas), it was pretty pimped. He even had XM radio.

Gilbert next announced, “Did you know that it’s legal to drink and drive in the Bahamas? We never have any alcohol-related accidents here because they don’t test for it!” He asked if we wanted to party, and made a move to pull over in front of a liquor store. We said no, no, we were tired and going back to the hotel. He tried to convince us otherwise. Gilbert liked to party. Everyone in the Bahamas liked to party. He had a cold six-pack of Kalik up front, and a case in the back. Gilbert was prepared for ANYTHING.

His conversation got more and more suggestive, and I could tell Stephanie was about to throw punches. I, however, was in hysterics. Gilbert was trying SO hard. He had his routine down. And as long as he got us to our hotel and didn’t take us to an alley to rape us, he could talk about it as much as he wanted.

I asked him a bunch of questions to try to distract him. We talked about the clubs downtown. He said they were frequented by an equal mix of tourists and locals; he liked to go there because he preferred white women. He then made some statement about why he preferred white women, but luckily it was drowned out by the music and I missed it. He tried his best to convince us to stop somewhere with him, but I told him we weren’t up for partying. Stephanie said she wanted to go to bed, so he announced that he could hear her bed calling his name. Gilbert was AWESOME.

We got to the hotel, and he opened the door for us. As I handed him his ten bucks, I went to shake his hand, because every shuttle-and-taxi driver there shook hands. He grabbed me instead and hugged me; I moved to allow him the least body-contact possible, and as I did so, he swung around and kissed my neck. He handed me his card, and told us to call if we wanted to have some fun tomorrow.

And that, my friends, is the last time I saw Gilbert. But if you want to have some fun in the Bahamas, he’s your man.