From the first time we visited the Dry Tortugas, Matt and I wanted to camp there. It’s a group of tiny islands 70 miles out into the Gulf of Mexico, with a giant fort and tons of wildlife (and over 90% of it is underwater). Who wouldn’t want to do that? So, once we moved to Key West and figured out the best time of year for camping (the winter, since it’s not that hot), we booked a trip to the Tortugas way in advance.

That’s my first bit of advice! Book your trip way in advance. Also, while there’s a really good locals’ discount on the ferry for day trips, that doesn’t apply if you’re camping. Our trip cost $460 total: $390 for the ferry, $20 each for our kayaks, and $15 per night for camping. You’ll need to bring exact cash for the camping fee, since you put that in the camping box when you arrive. The rest is paid in advance.

You have to arrive at the ferry terminal by 6:30 in order to load your gear before everyone else boards. You can park on the street temporarily right in front of the terminal, and they provide big rolling carts. It took us three trips between the kayaks and our gear, but we did it. Matt went to go park in the ramp while I rolled the rest of the gear down the ramp onto the ferry. The captain was there to assist us.

They say you’re allowed 60lb of gear per person; we were just within that limit and were a little nervous about it. There was no indication they actually checked that, though. Because you have to bring a decent-sized animal-proof cooler (there are rats), ice and enough water for the entire duration of your stay, I feel like they don’t enforce that much. We brought a scaled-back version of all our camping gear, camp chairs, a Rubbermaid tote with food and cooking stuff, plus a hardsided cooler. You’re not allowed to bring propane or anything explosive, so you have to go with charcoal or Sterno. I definitely recommend having Sterno as a backup, for reasons you’ll find out below.

There’s also a chance that if there are high seas or other bad weather, the ferry won’t be able to travel on your return date. So make sure to bring some backup food and water just in case. You can leave any extra water with the other campers, who will be happy to have it. One of the rangers even recommended using it to water the palm trees they’d just planted!

We had a meeting with the captain on the ship, where he checked us in, reviewed the rules, and gave us a couple giant trash bags to use on the island. Included with your trip is breakfast on the outbound trip, and one lunch. Like most people, we opted to have our lunch on the day we were returning, so we could pack up early and not have to cook.

After the meeting, we headed to the boarding area and waited with everyone else. The ferry ride was uneventful until we got to the channel about halfway to the Tortugas, and then the seas got rougher. I was wearing Sea Bands, though, so it wasn’t a problem at all. If you get seasick, GET THEM. They’re amazing.

We got to the dock on Garden Key (the largest of the islands, and the one where Fort Jefferson is) about 10:30am. They asked the campers to all assemble on the top deck for a meeting while everyone else got off the boat. There were seven of us arriving that day: another couple, and a group of three. We were the only ones who were staying for two nights.

Ranger Nick, who was awesome and really funny, reviewed all the camping rules again (mostly about animals, cooking, and being careful walking around at night). He also invited everyone to a fishing class after the ferry left, and told us how to get a hold of them at night in case of emergency. It involved a distress call on a marine radio, and only entering the fort as a very last resort.

We chose this site because it was in a narrow area between the moat and the beach. Seriously, how amazing is this? There were only a few shaded spots in the campground and they were already occupied, but we figured it wouldn’t be a huge deal since it wasn’t that hot. It was, however, VERY VERY WINDY.

The wind made setting up a huge pain in the ass, because everything kept trying to blow away. It was so intense that we grabbed some rocks to put on the edge of the rain fly; we were worried it was strong enough to bend the tent poles. That had actually happened to us before!

Once we had everything set up and had claimed our picnic table, we went for a walk around the island.

We’d been told that Carlos the Crocodile had been seen recently in the moat near our campsite. I didn’t see him there, just this starfish:

Most of the ferry visitors were inside the fort, so we walked down Bush Key.

Here’s the division between Bush Key and Long Key. Long Key is totally off-limits because it’s the only magnificent frigatebird nesting site in North America.

The far end of Bush Key is covered in conch shell trees. I love these.

Conch spiral!

Here’s a washed-up Portuguese Man-of-War. Don’t mess with this guy.

While we wandered, the two seaplanes who service the island were coming and going. It’s awesome watching them landing.

Round about 3pm, it was time for the ferry to go. We went down to the dinghy beach (where our kayaks were hanging out) and watched it go. The guy in the life jacket is one of our fellow campers who had been there the previous night. He had a really nice kayak and what appeared to be the best campsite, hidden in the trees and out of the wind.

The island changes completely the second the boat and last seaplane leave. It suddenly feels very remote. It’s amazing.

Ranger Nick had told us earlier that he was giving fishing lessons once the boat left, so we decided to go check that out. The park has a fishing license that covers all visitors, which is pretty awesome. They also have all the gear there for you to borrow.

He first showed us how to cast a net for bait. It took a few tries, but we got a bucketful soon enough.

Then it was fishing time! There was another couple there from Miami, so they and Matt got hand reels and baited their hooks. I was just there to watch, since as a vegetarian I’m not that excited about possibly hurting a fish.

That changed quickly as Ranger Nick handed me a reel that already had a line in the water. They promised me they’d use the fish if I caught it, so I fished. It was kind of exciting.

It was mostly mangrove snapper under the dock, but there were also some bigger yellowtail hanging around. One of them took my hook and started pulling. Suddenly, a gigantic goliath grouper swam up, ate the yellowtail and ran with the tiny, tiny line on my hand reel.

Ranger Nick helped me let all the line out and then we waited. I had no idea how this was going to end in anything successful, but the gigantic fish stayed on the line for a long time. Finally it went slack, and it was time to try again.

But then I caught a real fish! My first fish ever. It was a just-barely-legal-sized mangrove snapper.

While we were fishing, a big Coast Guard ship came sailing up, with huge guns on the deck and everything. Even the ranger was standing there gawking as they docked. I asked him what was going on, and he said he had no idea – they’d had small Coast Guard boats before, but nothing like this at all. It was kind of bizarre.

Everyone else caught their own fish, and the ranger was nice enough to do the butchering for us. Since the Miami couple didn’t have a cooler, Matt took all the filets back to put in our cooler for dinner. We we all very proud of ourselves. These guys were happy for the guts, too.

It was nearing sunset, so we headed into the fort to climb up to the top of the wall. Fort Jefferson closes after sunset, but the rangers told us we had about 15 minutes to clear the grounds afterwards.

Here’s the lighthouse on Loggerhead Key. It’s about 3 miles away, and in good weather you can kayak there. There was no way that was happening in 30mph winds, though. (We were questioning any kayaking in that weather.)

We had a pretty good view from the campsite. Seriously amazing.

Once the sun went down, we headed to our tent to make dinner. Look at how calm and peaceful it looks in this photo! And check out my Luminoodle lights, which were running on a backup battery that I charged via portable folding solar panel! The wind was really strong, somewhere between 25-30mph, and we had a couple big rocks holding the rain fly down. Those stakes weren’t all that great in the sand.

The wind meant we had some trouble getting the grill going, too. We had a little bag of charcoal per the ferry’s recommendations, but Matt was struggling to even get the lighter to light. We finally made enough of a windblock to make it happen, and put out food on the grill. We had plantains, a veggie dog for me, and of course the fish filets in the cooler. The couple from Miami came over and asked if we minded cooking their fish too; it turned out they had just brought some trail mix and snacks in bags since they were only staying one night. We sat around talking while our dinner cooked very slowly in the ridiculous wind.

They ended up being really great, and had good advice on camping in the Everglades. We all shared our food and sat around being amazed by the stars, which were brighter than we’d ever seen before. They headed back to their campsite after dinner, and we cleaned up and decided to walk over to the group-camp area where it was completely open to see the stars better.

The Coast Guard ship was still docked there, and we realized there were guys coming back from the beach wrapped in towels, boarding the ship. Apparently they had just stopped by for a beach break! You could see general movement and hear the intercom beeping, but we were too far away to hear their announcements. We figured they were going to sail pretty soon, but didn’t seem to be in a huge hurry to do so. We saw the rangers come out and close up the dock building for the night, and then everything became very dark and quiet.

I wish there was some way to capture how the sky looked. There were so many stars we had trouble picking out constellations, because we’re used to only seeing the main stars. (Even in Key West we have a pretty dark night sky – far darker than anything I’ve seen up north – but nothing like this.) The Milky Way was clearly visible overhead, running across the entire sky. It was unreal. (To get an idea of it, watch this video. It give me goosebumps, it’s so accurate.)

After a while, the moon started to rise over Bush Key and the Coast Guard ship. We could see at that point that there was no longer anyone on the bridge, so apparently they were hanging out for the night. We went to use the restrooms and then headed back to our campsite.

A note about the restrooms: when the ferry is at the dock, everyone on the island is supposed to use their restrooms. This is a very good thing, since they have flush toilets and running water to wash your hands. When the ferry leaves, they unlock the composting toilets. They were actually in very good condition and didn’t smell anywhere near as much as usual camping pit toilets. However, if you go in there at night wearing your headlamp, don’t shine it down into the toilet. The cockroaches running around in there won’t make you very happy about the whole situation.

It was pointless to try to sit up and play a game with the wind, so we climbed into the tent and read Kindles for a while. The wind made it extremely loud, with the rain fly whipping against the tent. (Matt was convinced we’d have been better off without it, but I thought it would be loud regardless. Plus there was a chance of rain.) We both slept miserably; I kept waking up with the side of the tent would blow against my head, and I’d have to scoot down and sleep in a ball. It wasn’t pleasant at all.

The next morning, I got this view on the way to the bathroom. I wasn’t that mad about not having slept much, seeing this.

The Coast Guard ship had sailed off a bit earlier; we heard their intercom and the engines starting up. That meant there were maybe 20 of us total on the island, including the park rangers. Amazing.

Here’s South Beach. It’s different from the Miami version.

I don’t think I’ve ever been the first person to leave footprints on the beach in the morning.

On the way back to our site, I passed the kayak-guy, who was making breakfast over a can of Sterno. I told him about our travails in the wind and difficulty cooking, and he told me that he was going to be heading back that day, so we should claim his site and move the tent. He said he didn’t notice the wind at all, because he was hidden in the trees. It was definitely the best site in the campground.

He also said that Sterno was the way to go in the wind, and gave me the little grill he was using to cook on. He said to take it and bring back a bag or something to put at his site so that everyone knew it was ours. I loved that guy a lot, because he was 100% right.

We gathered our things and prepared to move. The turkey vultures didn’t waste any time looking for leftovers by our picnic table.

This is what our new site looked like. It was a HUGE improvement.

Since we had also brought Sterno per the ferry’s recommendation (mostly because we didn’t want to heat coals for breakfast), we were able to quickly rig up a windblock with bricks and the guy’s little Sterno stove and had a much more pleasant cooking experience than the previous night. Blueberry pancakes! They were delicious.

One of the seaplanes arrived while we were having breakfast and moving camp, and then the ferry. We decided it was time to get off the island while all the people were on it.

Our kayaks had been hanging out at the dinghy beach, so we were ready to go. We had a chat with our kayaking pal about conditions; he said it was pretty difficult paddling due to the wind, but told us which route to take, sticking to the shore. We geared up and paddled out.

Our kayak pal had boarded the ferry at that point, and was up on the top deck waving at us as we passed. The paddling didn’t seem too difficult at all, since the land curves around and blocks most of the current coming in from the channel. We just got splashed a bit.

Here’s Fort Jefferson and the ferry from the water. I still can’t get over this place. It’s amazing.

We paddled along Bush Key, and then crossed the little channel between that and Long Key. Much of the sand spit was above water, so it was doing a good job of breaking up the current. Still, it was the most difficult area to paddle in.

Long Key is surrounded by buoys marking the do-not-cross line. This is the closest we could get to the magnificent frigatebird nesting grounds, but we were close enough to see them in decent detail. There were hundreds of them, and eventually we were able to pick out some of the males sitting in trees puffing out the giant red sacs on their neck that they use for a mating display. Hilarious.

After watching the birds for a while, we paddled back toward Garden Key.

We went over to the far side of the dinghy docks, where an old platform used to be. The pilings were full of pelicans and seagulls, so we stirred them up a bit. Our Miami friends were hanging out there by the water, so we wished them a good trip back on the ferry.

The paddling was much harder the closer we got to the South Beach side, so we headed back to the dinghy beach and pulled up our boats. We were very happy that we hadn’t brought the kayaks in vain, because we were convinced it wasn’t going to happen in that wind. We’d have to save the Loggerhead paddle til next time!

We took advantage of the ferry’s clean restrooms and running water several times that day. It was especially convenient after lunch, when everyone clears out and heads into the fort for the tour. (If you’re out of water, ice, etc you can purchase it on the ferry, too. It’s just really expensive, so plan ahead!)

We went back to the campsite to make some lunch. As other campers had mentioned, the ground now looked like it was moving because of all the hermit crabs. They were adorable.

We had to be really careful walking around, though. I’d be sad to mash one of those little dudes. If you dropped food, a bunch of them would go swarming toward it and a hilarious crab battle would ensue. Usually the biggest guy won; his name was Lawrence Whelk. (I know.)

After lunch, the fort had emptied out quite a bit and a lot of the daytrippers were back on the ferry. We decided to go tour it again. It was nice to feel like you could take your time with everything; when you’re on the ferry or seaplane, you’re aware of just how limited your time is on the island.

This never gets old:

Closeup of the floor; the concrete is full of shells and coral.

Hard to see, but there are snorkelers along the wall. They’re much braver than we are, since the water was REALLY COLD. January is not swimming time in the Keys, no matter what people tell you.

Here’s the view from the front of Fort Jefferson.

Looking toward the campground (in the trees).

Bally likes to pretend he’s a cannonball. Of course Bally came with us to the Tortugas!

Looking through the fort to the north:

And there are our kayaks hanging out on the beach.

When we got back to the campground, a guy was standing near the moat staring at something. We went to see, and he pointed out Carlos the crocodile. He was so well-camouflaged it was hard to see him, but he’s there. Look to the bottom right of the rusted piece of metal near the water line and his head is there. His tail is mostly in the water.

So yeah, there was a crocodile within view of our campsite. We weren’t especially concerned about it since he’s there a lot (and crocs aren’t aggressive like alligators can be), but other people were. We learned that he swims miles to some of the other keys to look for food and ladies!

The ferry headed out and the seaplanes were leaving shortly, so we grabbed a blanket and our Kindles and headed over to North Beach. There’s a lot of fascinating old stuff to see at that beach; there’s a pile of mechanisms from the fort, and old worn bricks all over the place. We had the beach to ourselves just like we did the first time we visited!

Here’s something that’s changed in the year and a half since we moved to Key West:

We hung out reading and staring at the ocean for a while, and then decided to head back to the campground. We took our chairs to the beach and joined most of our fellow campers there to see the sunset.

This view never gets old. I love it.

The wind was still in full force; I felt a little bad for the people who had claimed our old campsite. However, at our new site, we barely even noticed it. It was such a huge difference, it was amazing. We set up our lights and made dinner over charcoal.

My Luminoodle lights worked perfectly, and I had charged all our battery packs during the day with the solar panel mounted on the post for hanging trash. I had a set of four little USB backup chargers that were plenty to keep our campsite and tent Luminoodles running, and our phones fully charged. (Even though there’s no cell service at the Tortugas, you obviously have to take a million pictures.)

We played cards for a while, and ended up going to bed pretty early because of our prior sleepless night. We had the rain fly on the tent mostly because it’s entirely mesh and I didn’t want someone walking by and looking at my naked butt in the morning. We left the side doors open, though, and with a slight breeze it was incredibly pleasant.

I got up shortly before sunrise, and was greeted by a completely deserted island. I didn’t even see rangers walking around at that hour.

I watched the sun come up over the Gulf, still having my mind blown at the fact we got to stay there. It’s so incredible.

We got up, made breakfast, and started packing up camp. I talked to a few people about their campsites, and they were uniformly miserable because of the wind. Like our previous camp-tenant, we told them to consider taking over our site when we left. There are only 2-3 totally sheltered sites there, and they make a huge difference in either sun or wind.

The red flag was flying on the fort, indicating that small boats were allowed to come into the harbor and moor for wind shelter. There were several sailboats tied up there.

We grabbed a rolling cart from the dock and started hauling our stuff over. You’re supposed to have all our gear waiting in the pickup spot on the dock by 10am, as well as all your trash so they can haul it back to Key West. While they supply giant, heavy plastic trash bags that work well for hanging up away from pests – palm rats, mostly – they don’t have any recycling receptacles for your campsite. We just threw all our recycling in our cooler to haul back with us. (I think they also had recycling on the ferry.)

These turkey vultures supervised as we hauled our kayaks to the dock.

They’re incredibly graceful-looking creatures in the air, and stupidly gawky on land. They’re really entertaining. (They also know where the fish scraps come from.)

When the ferry arrived, they quickly offloaded the new campers’ gear and put ours onboard. Here are our kayaks, ready to go!

We kept a day bag with us, since we had til 3pm on the island. We did some more reading on the beach, then grabbed some lunch from the ferry and had a picnic. After that, we joined the short tour of the fort to see if we’d missed any important knowledge about it (we had, too!). We went to have a chat with the guy who ran the visitor’s center, since Matt had met him the previous day, and then did some more wandering around the fort. We swore there were different areas open than we’d seen previously, which is definitely possible since it’s always under renovation. I don’t recall ever seeing Samuel Mudd’s cell before – it’s directly above the visitor’s center on the second level of the fort.

And then it was time to head back to civilization, sadly. The ride back was rough again, but SeaBands got me through.

Now I want everyone to do this same trip so we can compare notes on how amazing it is!

We got up at 9 Sunday morning and checked out of our abandoned-mall hotel. We found a Dunkin Donuts a mile away for a quick breakfast and coffee, and then we hopped on I-75 to head to the Keys. Considering the usual traffic in Miami, Sunday morning was the absolute perfect time to go. It was smooth sailing the whole way.

We got to Key Largo around 11 and stopped immediately at the visitor center. I’d printed Florida Rambler’s excellent mile marker guide, so we followed along with their recommendations, too. We picked up a bunch of tourist magazines (I can’t resist the coupons) and talked to the lady at the counter about her recommendations for things to do. She ended up being pretty dead-on as far as the awesome things in the Keys, too.

A couple miles down the road was the famed Caribbean Club from the movie Key Largo, so we stopped in for a beer, and to get Bally’s photo with the wooden Humphrey Bogart out front.

The interior was full of memorabilia, but the in-laws seemed to not notice that. We headed right out the back to sit at a picnic table overlooking the Gulf of Mexico, which was just fine with me. I could spend an entire day like that, really. (I believe I have, in Jamaica.)

There were no servers evident, so the men went to the bar. They returned with the best beers they could find there, which for Matt and I meant Budweiser (a.k.a Bud Heavy) in cans. They said the bartender was surly, too. At least the place was in a great spot!

Once we’d examined our various maps and finished our beers, we got back on the road to go another few miles south to Ballyhoo’s, one of the places listed in our guide. I’d seen mention of an entire vegetarian menu on their website, so it was a great option in a place not really known for being very food-progressive. We got a table on the patio under a tree strewn with fishing floats, which I loved.

Apparently we were sitting under a pitch apple tree, because these things were scattered around the place. I didn’t know what they were until we asked our server, and she told us they were inedible but pretty when they bloom.

We ordered beers and the best possible appetizer in the south: boiled peanuts. Everyone else was wary of them, but they reminded me of the first ones I’d had from a highway-side stop in Mississippi. I got to have my first nearly-local beer, too!

They had incredible jalapeno cornbread, and I had a sweet potato burger that was so gigantic I took the bun off and just ate the whole thing with hot sauce. It was awesome.

From there, we headed to Robbie’s Marina, because you can do THIS there:

And for three dollars, you get this bucket of fish for it. While ordinarily I will shy away from touching any dead animal (I’m vegetarian, after all), in this case I wasn’t passing up the chance to feed a gigantic tarpon.

The second we set foot on the docks, we met this guy. There’s a sign about not feeding the pelicans, because apparently they’re jerks and will bite. Still, they’re hilarious!

We went down to the end of the dock, and saw massive quantities of tarpon swarming around. It’s hard to photograph them, or to even get a sense of how big they are, but some of them were easily 3 feet long. We’d meet a guy who said you could hold the fish well up in the air and a tarpon would jump up and grab it, but they didn’t seem terribly interested in that. We had to hold them within a foot of the water, and then the tarpon scramble would begin.

The pelicans hang out nearby, watching warily. There was a couple there who’d clearly had several beers, so they offered no end of entertainment: first the girl was talking with a fish in her hand and not paying attention, and a pelican came hopping up sidelong behind her and almost stole it. Later, a seagull swooped down and grabbed it right out of her hand. So funny.

Once our fish bucket was empty, we went to hang out in a double adirondack recliner while Judy shopped. I just wanted to stay for a long time, because it was very Caribbean there. When the in-laws were ready to go, I stopped and bought a coconut birdhouse to take back home, and then we were back on the road.

We headed to our hotel to check in, since it was nearing 3pm. The place was Rainbow Bend on Grassy Key, which is just south of Islamorada and north of Marathon. We’d picked it because it was relatively cheap (everything in the Keys is expensive, so it’s tricky), and because they let you borrow their boats to take out during the day. Plus it was right on the Atlantic, and I figured we could grill on the beach.

We pulled up, and Judy freaked out because there was a pigeon walking around outside the lobby. (She’s deathly scared of birds.) The lady came out and said hi, and then shooshed the bird (who she called Roscoe!) away. We checked in, and she said would basically had our pick of rooms. She took us around to show us three options, and we chose two decent-sized rooms next to each other in an unattached building facing the swimming pool. Our room was slightly smaller and had saloon doors to the bathroom, but the shower-in-a-hot-tub made up for it. We had a small fridge, table, and coffeepot, and that was all we needed. The room was dark and seriously outdated, but it was clean.

Harlan and Judy’s room was much bigger and brighter, and they had a full kitchen. That suited them a lot better, so it worked out well. Both rooms had patios overlooking a yard full of tiny lizards. We changed into bathing suits, put some beers we’d picked up into a small cooler, and headed to the beach.

The beach, however, was not exactly what I pictured. The sand was hard, and there were huge mossy boulders at the water line. The tide was out, so there was no way you could get in there without doing damage to yourself. It was kind of stinky, too, due to the buildup of stuff in the next yard over that accumulated at low tide. The grilling area was in pretty rough shape, too. But we were on the ocean, so whatever. We went to swim in the pool instead.

The place seemed deserted, and there were apparently only a couple of other rooms occupied. It was still shoulder season in the Keys, but this seemed especially quiet. They had an onsite restaurant that was apparently popular, but we never saw more than four cars in the lot at any given time.

We hung out in the pool drinking beer for a long time, then went to go rinse off and change for dinner. One of the people we’d talked to at the Caribbean Club recommended the Safari Lounge (he said the locals called it the Dead Animal Bar due to the big game trophies), so we headed up to Islamorada. We found the place attached to a fancy resort near the docks, and it looked perfect:

Inside, however, was a different story. It basically looked like a Wisconsin bar (including the dead animals), and was ten times as smoky. The bartender couldn’t make anything better than a rum and coke, even though it was a tiki-style bar on the ocean. We took our drinks outside to sit on the patio for sunset, which was really pretty.

After that, it was time for dinner. We drove right up the road to Habanos, a Cuban restaurant right on the Overseas Highway. It was too-brightly lit and the interior was tacky, but it was proper Cuban food, and that was exciting. I had to have a cortadito ASAP.

Because it was proper Cuban food they of course had nothing traditional that was vegetarian, but we had a tostones appetizer and I got a small veggie pizza that was actually really delicious, so I was happy.

On our way out, we decided we should stop at a liquor or convenience store for some beer to bring back to the resort for card-playing. We headed south, passed our hotel, and crossed into Marathon proper before even seeing anything that was open. It was 8:30, by the way. We finally saw a gas station, and ran in to find they didn’t sell beer. The cashier there said to go to Walgreens a mile south, so we did that. They had a separate liquor store with a surprisingly good selection, so we grabbed a bottle of rum (which came with free pop) and some beer. The guy at the counter made fun of us for being Minnesotan (re: living in igloos), and I told him we at least didn’t have hurricanes. He gave a loud PFFT and said, “Did you see how all the buildings are built around here? They’re all on stilts and nothing’s more than three stories high!” He had a good point.

Harlan and Judy were in the main part of the store getting snacks, so we met them and headed back to the hotel to play cards in their room. Normally Matt and I prefer staying out later with the locals, but this was the kind of place where nightlife is scarce. (That’s what Key West is for.) After the in-laws got tired, we went to our room to play dominoes on the patio. Which was a bad choice without bug spray, as I’d realize in the next few days. But that’s for later.

Monday morning, the in-laws went to partake in the free breakfast at the onsite restaurant. We’re not really breakfast people, so we chose to sleep in and make coffee in the room. They came back with a bunch of gossip from the restaurant owner, who is apparently different than the guy who runs the resort. He had no end of complaints about how the owner had no interest in upgrading the place at all, and just wanted to make money off it. Which is sad, because it was a beautiful location with a ton of potential.

The beach didn’t look so bad in the morning. Still no Jamaican beach, but it looked more swimmable at high tide. The waves were really rough, though, so the guy who ran the boats said it was unlikely we’d be able to go out that day. Which was fine, because we had other plans involving the ocean.

We drove south into Marathon and stopped at Publix to buy a styrofoam cooler and picnic food. We got crusty bread with cheese and cured meat, grapes, snacks, beer, and water, packed everything up in the car, and drove to Bahia Honda State Park.

The park map showed two beaches, so we picked one and headed that way. It turned out that there was just a parking lot separating the two of them, one facing the Atlantic and one facing the Gulf. We decided to check out the Atlantic side first, so we grabbed all our stuff from the trunk and climbed over the dune to find this:

The beach was gorgeous and uncrowded. Judy and Harlan set up towels and parked themselves on the beach with beers, while Matt and I took ours in the water. It was so nice there, I didn’t even care about our less-than-optimal hotel beach.

We bobbed around for a while, and ended up talking to a guy from Madison, Wisconsin (we always meet people from Wisconsin on vacation, and I’m not sure why) who said he and his wife were camping there at the park. They had to make reservations a year in advance, and the place fills up within a few hours of the reservations opening. I wasn’t surprised at all. He said they once made the mistake of not setting up their tent on the provided pad, and his wife had chigger bites so bad she had to go to the hospital. Wow.

After a while, we went to grab masks and my snorkel. The waves were a little rough because of the storm offshore, but I couldn’t believe how much life there was even within ten feet of the beach. I saw a few live conch, too! As requested by the state of Florida, I left them alone to crawl around the sea floor.

After snorkeling and exhausting ourselves swimming back to the beach against the current, we decided to go over to the other side of the peninsula and have our lunch. We found a picnic table with this view, so it was obviously the perfect spot.

The west-facing side of the park features the old railroad bridge that was originally the only way to travel down the Keys over land. It makes for a really picturesque view, too. The overseas highway isn’t pretty, but it’s a fascinating structural feat.

After lunch, we walked up to see the railroad bridge up close.

This is the gulf-side beach from above. It seemed to be more crowded than the Atlantic side, and the water wasn’t as clear.

The in-laws went to wander around and see the historic sites while Matt and I went for a swim at the beach. After a while, we headed over to the shower building to clean up and change, and then we were back on the road heading north over the 7-mile bridge. I wanted to do some shopping, so we stopped at the sandal shop, and at a giant shell store in Marathon to pick up souvenirs. While we were there, we asked the girls working (who I’m pretty sure weren’t old enough to drink, but whatever) if they could recommend a good tiki bar in the area. They gave us a couple options, and we headed out.

Tiki bars are tricky in Florida, because that’s their name for everything with a thatched roof, as far as we could tell. You’re sometimes lucky to find a place that can make you a mojito, much less a classic tiki drink. At that point, I just wanted a bar where we could sit outdoors and have a pina colada.

One of the places they recommended was Lulu’s, right down the street. It’s a restaurant in a cute house, but the main attraction for us was the gigantic round tiki hut in the garden next door. It reminded us of our favorite spot in Negril, 24/7 (R.I.P.). We parked in back and chased off a few big iguanas from the yard, then got seats at the bar. The bartender was a quiet older guy who warmed up once my in-laws started talking to him. We all ordered boat drinks, and Judy and I got the pina coladas we wanted.

After a while, I went to check out the garden. It reminded me a lot of Just Natural in Negril, and there were iguanas and geckos hanging out all over the place. Even though the garden is right near the road, it’s a really quiet little oasis. I would love to have a place like that someday.

The in-laws wanted to go back to the hotel for a mid-afternoon nap, so Matt and I dropped them off and headed back to Marathon. We stopped at a combination deli/liquor store and stocked up on supplies for later, then drove back down to the beginning of 7 Mile Bridge. There’s a small parking lot where you can stop and walk out onto the old bridge, which runs alongside the new one. It extends to Pigeon Key (which you can still only visit via boat, unless you want to bike or jog there), and then there’s a gap before it continues on alongside the modern bridge.

We walked out on the bridge for the view, and to watch the Atlantic and Gulf run together. That looked kind of turbulent.

Afterwards, we drove down around to the other side of the bridge to visit Sunset Grille. The place looks like a gigantic tiki hut, so of course I took note of it every time we drove past. We got mojitos and Matt ordered smoked fish dip, which is something he and his parents would end up eating about 10 more times on the trip.

We sat at the rail overlooking Seven Mile Bridge, the ocean, and a giant patio with a swimming pool, a smaller tiki bar, and what appeared to be a movie screen. It was basically the template for the bar I went to own someday.

We had another round just to sit there enjoying the view, and then it was time to head back to the hotel to pick up the in-laws for dinner. We headed back down to Marathon to Island Fish Company, another place that had been recommended to us more than once. We were seated on the patio right by the docks, and ordered mai tais. Our server was awesome, and told us he used to live in the Twin Cities, working for Northwest Airlines. Now he splits time between the Keys and Maui. (Matt and I died of envy at this point.)

They had a veggie burger on the menu, which made me pretty happy. Also, the view did not suck at all:

Before leaving, we got our server’s advice on bars where locals hung out, and that were unlikely to close at 8pm. He recommended Brass Monkey as the place he hung out most often, because they have bands all the time. When he told us it was in the strip mall behind the K-Mart, Matt and I knew that was a place we had to see.

If you picture what a bar in a strip mall might look like, you’re on the right track. It was dark, smoky, a huge dive, and had a fantastic jukebox and cheap drinks. I cringed when my father-in-law ordered a stinger, waiting for the bartender to ask what the hell he was talking about. But he was very professional, and said “sure!” and headed to the back of the bar where we saw him quietly asking the other bartenders, who I’m pretty sure Googled it. Awesome.

There was Appleton VX and Bubble Butt on the jukebox, and nobody even seemed to care when Harlan went to play a cheesy country song. I wanted to stay there forever, but of course we had plenty to see before noon the next day.

I woke up at 8:30 Tuesday morning covered in bites from what was presumably the largest swarm of mosquitos in history. (Possibly they were chiggers or something beach-like on that order, but I’m not sure. All I know is that I wanted to scratch off all the skin on my legs. It sucked.)

We checked out of our run-down resort and hopped on the Overseas Highway. We crossed back over Seven Mile Bridge and passed Bahia Honda, then crossed into Big Pine Key. As soon as you’re over the bridge, there are fences on either side of the road; that’s to protect the Key deer, which are just miniature version of real deer). They’re only found in Big Pine Key, and they’re very protected. There are signs everywhere about their extremely low speed limit, and stories of people being pulled over all the time. I was dead-set on seeing one, since I hadn’t on our last trip through.

Shortly after crossing the bridge, I saw the back half of one of them pressed against the fence, so I felt like that was a good sign. The lady at the Key Largo welcome center said they just wander all over the neighborhoods in the Key, so I turned onto a side street and we started driving around slowly. The key is densely tree-covered, so it seemed like it would be pretty easy to see them in such a protected area, in a driveway or side street. BUT NO.

We drove further into the depths of the key, crossing to No Name key. Mostly I just wanted to see something with that name, but we figured there might be deer there too. But no, just a lot of awesome oceanside houses and swampy, empty space.

We finally decided to just go to the Key Deer center and see them there. We parked and walked up to the entrance, only to find it closed; it’s apparently part of the national parks system, and this was during the government shutdown. Lame.

I resignedly got back on the highway, and we headed south again. Then out of the corner of my eye, I saw something on the side of the road: a Key deer was starting to cross. We stopped and watched it walk across the Overseas Highway. Of course we would finally see one in the most populated area of the island.

After Big Pine Key, there are a ton of bridges and causeways connecting more spread-out and less-touristy islands with awesome names, like Sugarloaf Key, Cudjoe Key, Knockemdown Key, and Saddlebunch Key. There are communities lining the coast with ridiculously giant oceanside mansions and huge boats. I did indeed have some envy over that, but I’d be happy with a very small oceanside house and a smaller boat.

We stopped at the famous Baby’s Coffee to pick up some beans to take home (we loved that some of their blends were Hemingway references), and then crossed over onto Stock Island. Our predetermined lunch destination was Hogfish Bar and Grill, which was hard to locate even with signs AND Google Maps’ help. We finally found it down by the docks, and were thrilled to officially be in Key West.

We got a picnic table and checked out the menu. Of course the only ‘vegetarian’ option was Caesar salad, but I didn’t really care that much. We ordered beer and hung out looking at the docks and the roosters wandering around the dirt road.

After lunch, we drove into Key West proper. There was road construction and traffic was terrible, but we had time to kill before we could check in anyway. We headed over to the fishing pier near Martello Tower, because we’d never seen that part of town before. It was about a billion degrees and humid outside, so the wind on the pier was a nice break. Also, we saw this dude fishing on the rocks:

This is facing the southernmost point in the continental U.S.:

We walked back and headed to East Martello Tower, because I really wanted to see the gardens there.

The man taking admission up front was a Packers season ticketholder. Seriously, they’re EVERYWHERE.

The gardens are run by the Key West Garden Club, and they were fantastic. It’s like a little sanctuary inside the fort. There’s even a huge banyan tree with a doorway in it, and geckos and iguanas hanging out all over the place.

The gardens were quiet and secluded, and the perfect setup for a wedding. There were fruit trees all over the place.

There were a couple ibis walking around, too, and this guy was not happy that we followed him around.

A little light rain started while we were there, but we could barely feel it. We wandered around in the orchids some more, and then went to find the in-laws, who were hanging out inside watching a video about the place.

By then it was time to check in, so we headed over in the direction of the Lighthouse Court. Since it’s across the street from the Hemingway House, traffic around there was insane (it’s always insane in Key West – having a car there is a huge inconvenience), so Matt dropped us and the bags off, and went to circle while we checked in.

The guys at the front desk were incredibly friendly, and gave us 2-for-1 mojito coupons from their onsite bar and a parking pass, since it turned out they had free spaces behind the hotel. We had no reason to use the car while we were in town, so that worked well. I met Matt to go park, and the in-laws went to their room. We had two rooms next door to each other in one of their long buildings on the property.

The rooms weren’t big, but they were very clean and comfortable, and each of them opened onto the deck that led out to the patio and pool in back. Plus there was a cornhole court in the shade of the Key West Lighthouse, and the place seemed really quiet despite being in the middle of everything. Also, you get to see Hemingway’s place every time you walk out the front gate:

We had a drink in the rooms with Matt’s parents, then headed down Whitehead Street to visit the Southernmost Point marker. As usual, there was a line of people waiting to take photos of it, but somehow I managed to finally get one without anyone in it!

From there we walked over to see the Southernmost House, where we’d stayed for our last visit, and then back up Duval Street, past all the shops and restaurants. My mother-in-law is scared to death of birds, but she didn’t seem too bothered by the roosters there. (Pigeons would be another matter entirely.)

We stopped back at the hotel bar to redeem our mojito coupons, and hung out on the patio for a while. Around 5:30, we headed back out and went directly to Sloppy Joe’s, because it was very important that they witness the most legendary Key West bar posthaste. They loved it, of course. And so did we, because they serve Papa Dobles.

It was nearing sunset time, so we got some roadies and walked down to Mallory Square. Judy keyed in on a guy singing reggae, so we stood near him to watch the sunset. He said his name was Key West Mustafa, and he was pretty entertaining to listen to.

After sunset, we watched another busker doing weird ladder tricks with fire, and then walked down Duval Street again to Margaritaville for dinner, because NOBODY loves Jimmy Buffett like my mother-in-law. Seriously, I’m surprised she doesn’t go to the parrothead conventions. According to their website, they had live music nightly at 9:30, but by the end of dinner it was clear that the in-laws weren’t going to make it anywhere near that long. They hopped on a pedicab back to the hotel, and Matt and I set off to wander.

The smallest bar (a tiny walk-up place in an alley) was empty, so we had to stop in for a drink. We asked the bartender where he hung out, and he recommended Levity Lounge. We made a note of that for later, and headed over to Captain Tony’s because it was a lot nearer. It was super-crowded and took forever to get any service, but I did discover that one of their house beers is pretty good.) From there we went to the Rum Barrel, which was surprisingly empty by that time of night. While the bartender set us up for a rum flight, it became clear that they were ready to close. We asked her about it and she said she didn’t care, since she’d be there cleaning up anyway. I like island bars.

Once they closed, we walked over to World of Beer (which I think was new since our previous visit). They had a monstrous and awesome beer list, which of course is a GREAT idea after a bunch of rum. We ended the night with Matt getting pizza at a little shop while I made friends with a girl from Wisconsin across the street from Sloppy Joe’s. As it goes in Key West.

Wednesday morning, we got up not entirely ready to face the day. Matt’s parents were already out wandering around, since they’d gotten in much earlier than us the previous night. We picked up coffee from a crabby Russian girl at a place on Duval Street, and then walked down to Mallory Square to meet them for an early lunch at El Meson de Pepe. Despite it not being vegetarian-friendly at all (what Cuban place is?), I still like it a lot, and was happy with my plantain-nacho-and-capirinha brunch.

After eating, we went to see more of Mallory Square, and hang out with the chickens.

There was a big ship in port, so the shops in the area were fairly busy. We wandered around them for a while, and then headed farther down Duval to see some more shops. As we passed La Concha (which is now a Crowne Plaza, apparently?), I remembered something I’d read on a travel forum about a rooftop bar and overlook. We decided to go in and check it out.

The bar wasn’t open til 4, but the patio was still unlocked, and there were a few people out there at a table. The view was excellent.

Facing Mallory Square:

Duval Street:

The hallways of the hotel are lined with historic photos of Key West and its many celebrity visitors, too. It’s definitely worth checking out!

Since it had been at least an hour since we’d had a cocktail, we stopped in to Willie T’s. I was very excited to be back there, because we’d been there with a group of five on our first visit, but it was closed for remodeling when Matt and I were there for our pre-honeymoon. We grabbed a little table near the tiny stage, and got a round of mojitos.

I tried to find the dollar bill we’d posted on the wall earlier, too, but I couldn’t remember exactly where it was (not surprisingly). There was a guy named Zach playing the guitar and making terrible jokes on stage (including a song about rhyming with Olive, which I’ll probably never forget).

Once we were done there, we walked back to the hotel. My father-in-law wanted to nap, and Matt and I wanted to go for a swim. We got a couple mojitos at the bar and got in the pool. I wouldn’t really call what we did ‘swimming’, though… mostly we floated around with pool noodles for an hour and occasionally had a sip of our drinks. It was awesome. Judy joined us for a while, sitting on the edge of the pool with her feet in the water. (Someday I’ll convince her to actually come in!)

After a shower and preparing a room drink, we all headed back down towards Sloppy Joe’s, stopping to see the Mile Zero marker along the way.

We had drinks and a couple of appetizers at Sloppy Joe’s (including very delicious cheese arepas), then headed in the direction of the wharf. We had reservations on the Jolly II Rover, which I’d booked because we wanted to take them on the Schooner Western Union, but it was being remodeled. This schooner came highly recommended, though, so it seemed like a good replacement. Plus it has red sails!

It’s a smaller boat than the Western Union, so the crowd was smaller, too. Also, it’s BYOB, which means it’s cheaper. We brought a bottle of Filipino rum and some mixers, and they supplied ice, water, and plastic cups. I liked that arrangement a lot.

Captain Rio (really!) was at the helm, and the ship’s owner also happened to be aboard. We headed out about 6pm, and sailed past Mallory Square, which was filling up for the sunset celebration as it does every night.

It was the absolute perfect night to be out sailing. There wasn’t very much wind close to sunset, but there was enough that we could maneuver into a good position without having to use the engine. While we were waiting for sunset, the crew circled around talking to everyone, and we heard a lot of fascinating stories about their jobs and sailing experience. The captain told us all about his spearfishing adventures in the Tortugas, and the ship’s owner talked about why he decided to buy it. We were so envious.

Sunset was fantastic, too. They explained to everyone about the green flash, and one guy on board SWORE he saw it. There was kind of a white flash, but definitely not a green one. (He was probably drinking Filipino rum, too.)

Post-sunset, we sailed back toward the wharf, much closer to Mallory Square this time. Once we got to one of the narrow streets lined with condos and hotels, they fired the ship’s cannon down the street just to make it echo like crazy. It was fantastic.

We docked around 8pm, and headed back down toward the main part of town for dinner. We’d decided on Kelly’s, since Matt and I liked it so much the first time around. The place was not very crowded at all, and we had a nice table out on their giant patio. The vegetarian offerings weren’t that great, but Matt loved his fried chicken and the house beers were good. The in-laws seemed pleased as well.

After dinner, we walked a block or so to the Green Parrot, one of the other oldtimey bars in Key West. It was apparently also one of the few crowded places, which was kind of shocking. We found a small table along a rail and quickly discovered why it was so busy: they have open ukelele jams on Wednesday. There was a group up on stage leading the crowd, and a whole bunch of people with ukeleles down below following along. They were even selling ukeleles, should you wish to just pick one up and jump in. I loved it.

I had never realized that their ceiling was a giant parachute, either:

Matt’s parents headed out after a drink, and Matt and I decided to stick around a bit longer. It started to clear out after the ukelele jam, so we grabbed spots at the bar and hung out. Round about 12:30, we decided it was time to head back so we wouldn’t feel quite so unpleasant the next morning.

Thursday morning, we got up and headed to the pool deck for breakfast. They had a counter set up with the typical hotel fare: toast and bagels, bananas, some pastries, and yogurt. Eating outside on the patio made it a lot more exciting, though. We picked up the in-laws from their hotel room (they’d eaten earlier, of course) and crossed the street to visit the Hemingway house.

We opted to walk around ourselves rather than go on the tour. It was a really hot day, so being in a crowd in those only fan-cooled rooms seemed like a little much. The cats didn’t mind at all… I liked this guy hanging out on Papa’s bed:

We toured the entire house, then the grounds, including the cat cemetery. I tried not to look too closely.

There’s a good view of the lighthouse from the upstairs balcony. Key West legend has it that Hemingway liked living across the street from the lighthouse, because he never had trouble finding his way home from the bar at night.

His office is in a building out behind the main house, and it’s my favorite. It’s covered in souvenirs from his travels all over the world.

Bally got to meet one of his cats, too, who wasn’t terribly interested in having a basketball hanging out with him.

We stopped in the shop, picked up some souvenirs, and dropped them back at the hotel. Then we walked a couple of blocks down Duval to the Conch Train stop, and purchased tickets. It’s not generally the kind of thing Matt and I would do (especially after having been there a couple times), but my parents enjoyed it quite a bit, and at that point Matt’s parents welcomed the opportunity to be off their feet for a while.

The tour ended up being really interesting, and we visited places on side streets that we hadn’t seen before. We also learned a LOT about Key West history. It took us down to Mallory Square, where we had an obligatory stop at the shops and restrooms there. We decided to get lunch, so we walked over to Island Dogs nearby. (Note: do not make the mistake of going to Island Dogs. The food and service were both godawful.)

After lunch, we boarded another Conch Train for the rest of the tour, which takes about 2 hour or so total.

I thought the second half was more interesting, since it went into some of the newer parts of town, and farther from Duval and the wharf area. We saw a lot of really interesting houses, and noted that Key West LOVES Halloween – everything was decorated like crazy. At this point, Matt’s dad was already dozing off on the train, so I’m not sure he saw much of the tour. When we arrived back at our starting point, we hopped off and went into the hot sauce store nearby for a tasting. (We ended up bringing three bottles home with us.)

After that, we walked back to the hotel to relax for a while. We made drinks in the room, and then went to play cornhole while Judy watched and Harlan napped. The little backyard of the hotel is seriously great, and the lighthouse and huge tree provide a lot of shade.

Judy decided to go take a nap before dinner as well, so we made plans to come back and pick them up at 5:30 to go for sunset and dinner. Matt and I walked down
Duval in the other direction, stopping into a few stores to buy sandals and souvenirs. Then we headed to Rum Bar in the Speakeasy Inn, one of the best places we’d stopped at on our previous visit. This time, Bahama Bob himself was tending bar! We welcomed his advice on our rum flight, which was served up in a barge.

(We had Botron, Angostura, Diplomatico, and the two on the right are Hemingway-tribute rums called Papa’s Pilar, so obviously we were thrilled about that.)

Once our rum was finished, Matt became intrigued by the repurposed Carlo Rossi jug behind the bar labelled “Bob’s Bark Juice”. Bob explained that it was infused with a bunch of bark and herbs, so it’s basically just like Mama Juana from the Dominican Republic. (It’s also made with 150-proof rum.) Matt ordered one, and I declined, though I did try it. There’s some flavor in there that I can’t get past, and I wish I knew what it was. Also, that meant that Matt was in GREAT shape by late afternoon.

We walked back to the hotel to retrieve the in-laws, and of course mix a drink for the long walk to Mallory Square. On the way, we met this ibis hanging out overhead, probably trying to poop on us.

We stopped into Captain Tony’s for a beer, because we really wanted them to see that place, too – it was the original location of Sloppy Joe’s, back when Hemingway hung out there, and Captain Tony was his friend. They enjoyed all the bras suspended from the ceiling, I’m sure. There was a guy with a guitar singing for tips at the door, so Judy hopped up and sang a song with him, and then we were on our way to Mallory Square for sunset.

We stopped at the outdoor bar at El Meson de Pepe (because you wouldn’t want to be without a cocktail at sunset), and Harlan went inside to use the restroom. We waited forever for him, and it was becoming clear that he was lost. We walked around for a while, and finally saw him standing in the square, scanning the crowd. We retrieved him in time to take some awesome photos before sunset.

We hung out near Key West Mustafa again, where Bally met the stuffed tiger hanging out on his gear.

Our final sunset in Key West was as good as the rest of them:

After sunset, Key West Mustafa requested some help singing the Banana Boat song, so Judy hopped right up to the microphone and joined a group of women singing backup. Yes, my mother-in-law was busking in Mallory Square, and it was awesome.

We decided to walk back down to the wharf because we’d noticed a bunch of restaurants over there the previous night. I knew they’d all be seafood places, but figured one of them had to have something I could eat; I’ve learned that I can’t really be a picky vegetarian on vacation, especially in places that are really seafood-focused. We walked around checking all the menus, and things weren’t looking promising. We finally decided to go into Conch Republic Seafood without looking at the menu. I figured I would cobble something together, or maybe just have mojitos while they ate.

I ended up with a salad and artichoke/callaloo dip, which was actually pretty tasty. Matt had snapper Wellington stuffed with blue crab. The drinks were pretty good, and we were on a giant patio overlooking the ocean, so it was hard to be too annoyed with subpar vegetarian options at that point. The in-laws seemed to like the place quite a bit, too.

After dinner, we walked back down to Duval Street, which was far more crowded than it had been the two previous nights. Judy had declared her intentions to go hear the song Margaritaville at the original Margaritaville, so we went over there and got a table. A guy was just setting up on stage with his guitar, so we were set. We got drinks, and my mother-in-law got herself one of the shark-fin hats that they were passing around. She was having a pretty good day.

Guitar guy was horrendously boring, but finally he got around to playing her song (after she prompted him some, of course). They danced, and then decided it was time for them to head back to the hotel. We breathed a sigh of relief over being free of guitar guy, and said goodnight. Matt and I walked over to Levity Lounge, and found it in an alley off a side street, attached to the giant Cowboy Bill’s complex (a really dumb cowboy-themed bar that we avoided like the plague). They had a really good beer selection and big TVs showing the Giants/Bears game, so we grabbed seats at a rail in the alley and hung out watching football.

After a couple beers, we got some Appleton in to-go cups from the bar, and headed back to the hotel to sit on the patio for a bit before heading to bed.

Friday morning, sadly, it was time to leave Key West. We had the identical breakfast by the pool again, and then went to check out of the hotel and load up the car. Matt’s dad was driving this time, so that I could stare out the window at the Keys. We didn’t stop until we reached Islamorada, where we’d decided on a place called Shula Burger at the Postcard Inn, because they had a veggie burger on the menu.

The menu, however, did not have a veggie burger, or anything vegetarian at all. Our server explained that they were rebranding. OF COURSE. I ordered a crappy taco salad without the meat, and I was glad they at least had good beer. (Cigar City Helles is great, by the way.)

Matt took over driving, and we headed back up to Key Largo, where we had to stop at Shell World, the giant craft market with the huge lobster out front:

The shops were indeed as touristy as expected, but there was a bunch of cute stuff, too. I finally fulfilled my desire to own one of those colorful glass floats wrapped in rope, too. I can’t help loving cheesy nautical decor.

From there, we went to find the African Queen. There are about 50 signs for it, so it’s easy to find. The dock is next to the Holiday Inn.

I hadn’t seen the movie at that point, so it was definitely not what I expected. They still take people out on this! Having now seen the movie, I know that the boat is in far better shape at this point.

We snuck through the back yard at the Holiday Inn and went to use their restrooms (their pool complex looked really appealing, too), and then hopped back in the car. We made a quick stop at a nearby liquor store to pick up souvenir rum, the same one we’d tried at Rum Bar:

We also picked up beers for the room, and Matt discovered you can buy Cuba Libres in a can!

Then it was time to head back to the mainland. Traffic was pretty light again, and we made it to the Westin right on I-95 in Fort Lauderdale around 5ish. We checked in, and had adjoining rooms again. Matt’s parents got out their brandy, and we opened some beers and started looking on our phones for a place to have dinner. Based on reviews, we decided on a place called Tap 42, about 10 miles away. Then we set to tearing apart our suitcases and repacking them so that our souvenirs would stay intact on our flight.

Matt’s parents had brought their own bottle of E&J Brandy, the only brand Judy likes. Based on their previous experiences in Florida and Alabama, it was hard to come by, so they were prepared. What we’d learned on the trip, though, was that apparently E&J is now distributed in Florida, so that was even the rail brandy at most places we visited. Consequently, they had a whole bunch left and wanted to use it up before we left. Nothing like having a whole bunch of brandy foisted on you early in the evening, before you’ve had dinner.

We eventually headed to the restaurant and parked. We walked around the back to the entrance, and discovered that the place was PACKED. The restaurant itself is pretty small, and apparently it’s really popular with the douchebaggy crowd, because that’s who was on the patio. (Everyone was really dressed up, too, which was strange.) We asked at the desk how long the wait would be, and they said probably 45 minutes. We decided to stay anyway, because it’s not like there were other spectacular options in the area. We worked our way up to the bar where we could find a standing spot, and ordered drinks. Their cocktail menu was really impressive, so Matt and I were happy; the Farmers Market featured bourbon, sage, mango, lemon, and spicy bitters.)

We were only there for 15 or 20 minutes before our buzzer went off, so that was a nice surprise. They seated us at a long high-top table, and handed us menus. I was immediately thrilled with our decision to stay there, because the vegetarian offerings were spectacular. We ordered the vegan ‘ceviche’, which had fresh lychee, pineapple, and avocado in coconut milk, bruschetta with cheese and dates, and then I got a veggie burger with horseradish. That ended up being so big that I had to take it off the bun to eat it. Everything was great, and it made up for the crappy vegetarian food in Key West. (Our server explained that the owner is vegan, so it was important to him to have those options on the menu.)

From there, we headed back to Mai Kai for a victory lap. The place was way more crowded this time around, and the bar was packed. We were able to get a table in the back where it was quieter, though. I had a zombie, which of course was delicious. We unfortunately couldn’t stay very long, but managed to get in a couple rounds before the in-laws were ready to go. On the way out, we asked the guy we’d spoken to on our first visit about the shrunken head, and he said he’d take us there. He headed off through the restaurant, and for the first time ever, we realized just how gigantic that place is. (We’d only ever been to the bar in front, the bathrooms, and the souvenir shop.) There’s a huge room with a stage for the luau – which was going on as we passed through – and then several other rooms decorated in various island themes. And, you know, the rainforest that Harlan ended up in the first time around. We finally made it to the shrunken head room, and he pointed it out to us in a case on the wall. There was a big table of people eating in front of it, so it was kind of awkward. But dammit, we got to see the shrunken head, and it was as creepy as expected.

We went back to the hotel and stopped into the bar to pick up manhattans to take up to the rooms with us. A very drunk lady at the bar commented quietly (she thought) to her man-friend about why people would want to drink something like that when they were in Miami. I wanted to tell her that we’d spent the last week drinking all of the rum in the world, so it was time for a change.

We hung out in Matt’s parents room for a while watching baseball and helping with their brandy stash, and then went back to our room to finish packing and sleep.

Matt and I wisely took a day to recover after the wedding, and planned our pre-honeymoon to start on Monday instead. (For our actual honeymoon, we’re going to Europe in May.) My new in-laws dropped us off at the airport around noon, and we headed off to Atlanta. We landed a bit early, which was convenient since my sister had given us Delta Skyclub passes. Drink on their dime? Yes, please!

(Weird Skyclub fact: while they have free food there, you’re not allowed to bring it in from the outside. We had to eat our sammiches quickly before entering.)

The Skyclub was pretty fully of bored-looking business-people, but they had free drinks and clean bathrooms, and a table where we could sit and look out on the airport. We watched a baggage cart speed off too quickly, knocking a couple of suitcases onto the ground. They sat there ignored on the tarmac for way too long before someone picked them up and sent them to the baggage claim. Quality work as always, Delta.

We got on the next flight, and landed in Key West a little before 9pm. The airport was tiny, even smaller than most we’ve seen in the Caribbean. We waited a long time for our bags (which was confusing), then got a cab to our hotel, the Southernmost House.

The hotel was incredible. It’s a famous old mansion at the end of Duval Street, right down the block from the southernmost marker. Our room was on the second floor overlooking Duval, and we had a gigantic four-poster bed that was so tall we had to climb up on the rails to get in it. From the balcony, we could see the infinity pool looking out on the Atlantic Ocean. And it was open 24 hours!

We needed food badly, so we headed down Duval Street. There wasn’t much open after 10pm, but we managed to find a few places that were still serving food. We went into a cowboy-themed bar, sat down, and waited a long time before a server came over and gave us menus. That was the last we saw of any service after that, so we finally gave up and left. We crossed the street to Jack Flat’s, which had good service and sports on a million TVs. Perfect!

After dinner, we went directly to Sloppy Joe’s, Key West’s most famous bar. It was really crowded and we had a tiny table at the back, so we decided we’d finish those drinks and move on. While we were sitting there, we noticed a sign behind the bar saying that it was illegal to have open containers outdoors in Key West. That was total news to us, as we’d definitely been walking around drinking the last time we were there (along with everyone else in Key West). Also, we noticed plenty of people carrying go cups out onto the street. Confusing.

We wanted to go to a bar called the Rum Barrel, but it was closed Mondays. We ended up across the street at a place called Island Dogs. They had good cocktails, so we hung out there for a bit. It was pretty quiet, though, so we decided to head back to Sloppy Joe’s to see the cover band instead. We got there around 1am, and hung out watching them for a while (they were from Philly, and played the 90s’ greatest rock hits). Then we decided it was a pretty excellent idea to go swim in our 24-hour pool, so we walked the mile back to our hotel, changed into bathing suits, and went to do that.

It was awesome. We swam, went and sat on the poolside edge and dipped our feet in the Atlantic (it was surprisingly warm in the middle of the night), and then swam again, for a while sans bathing suits. 24-hour pools are officially the greatest thing ever.

Here’s our hotel in the daytime! I made the mistake of opening the curtains before I was dressed, so it’s possible my butt ended up in several tourists’ photos.

 

We decided to do some walking and see the city, so we stopped at the corner to wait in line for a photo of the southernmost marker, then headed up Whitehead Street toward Mallory Square.

We found Kelly’s Caribbean Bar and Grill along the way, so we stopped for brunch. We got a table in the courtyard, a couple of beers, and food. As we were finishing our meal, it started to rain a little. We were sitting under a tree, though, so it wasn’t too bad. Then it started to rain more, and we decided maybe we should head for shelter. Right as we sat down at the bar, it started pouring like crazy, and kept doing so for a long time.

We didn’t mind hanging out at the bar too much. The bartender and our server were awesome, and they kept bringing us free things… extra key lime pie, and the chef’s fresh-made halvah.

When the rain started to let up, we headed down toward Mallory Square again. We got there just in time to see a cruise ship leaving, so we hung out and watched that for a while.

Then we did some shopping, which was partly spurred on by the on-and-off rain. I got a new purse, and Matt got a couple cigars.

We walked back up Duval Street, looking for a place to rent bikes. We found Sunshine Rentals just a few blocks up. The bikes were beat to hell and the seat on Matt’s wouldn’t stay clipped in place on the post, so you had to ride with it in the lowest position. We decided to trade, since I’m shorter.

We rode back to the hotel, put our bathing suits on, and rode our bikes down to Fort Zachary Taylor Beach. We quickly realized how perfect bikes are for transportation in Key West: there are barely any hills, and there are so many bikes and scooters around that the cars are pretty used to being careful around them. I preferred to avoid the major streets because I have such bad balance, but that was easy to accomplish too.

It was overcast at the beach, but still warm out. The beach was nowhere near as nice as those perfect Caribbean beaches we’ve been spoiled by, but that was fine. You just had to swim over some rocks to get to the sandy area.

We floated around for a while, watching a storm roll in over the ocean. It started raining a bit, so obviously the right thing to do was wait it out in the water. It wasn’t really raining hard enough to soak our stuff on the beach, and it had the added bonus of clearing a lot of the people out as well.

We got out of the water around five, and went to the building to dry off and change clothes. By that time it was done raining, too. We rode back to the hotel, showered off, and got on our bikes again to head to Mallory Square for the sunset celebration. We locked them up a block from the square, intending to leave them there for the night because I didn’t want to try to ride after drinking. We were a little nervous about that, but figured there were so many bikes around that they would be fine. Also, they were incredibly crappy bikes!

We went to Sunset Pier for a drink, then took them to go shortly before sunset, so we could see it without an island blocking our view. We went to the middle of Mallory Square, and found our new favorite buskers: it was an older couple playing banjo and castanets, and an old dog wearing purple boxer-briefs. He walked around the circle, taking dollars out of people’s hands and putting them in a bucket. PEOPLE MAKE MONEY THIS WAY!

 

After sunset, we went to have dinner at El Meson de Pepe. Being vegetarian at a Cuban restaurant is usually pretty tricky, but I did well there. The mojitos didn’t hurt, either. While we were sitting there, we noticed a little chicken hanging out under the tables. She was running around looking for food, totally oblivious to the people nearby. Then a cat showed up, and she just backed off a few feet. I really wanted to take her home in my carry-on.

We then went over to the Rum Barrel, and browsed their insanely extensive rum list. We ordered a flight, and sat there being amused by the guys from Wisconsin near us at the bar. While they had a great rum list, the bartender didn’t seem all that knowledgeable about it, so we decided to move on. There was another rum bar (called Rum Bar, conveniently) at the other end of Duval near our hotel, so we headed that direction.

Rum Bar is located in the front of a hotel in an old house. It was very small, but there were only a few people in there hanging out. We got seats and started eyeing the massive collection of rums they had. The bartender set us up with a flight, made up of things we picked based on not having seen them before, and his recommendations. It was pretty amazing.

We hung out there for a while, talking to the other people at the bar, who positively insisted that our rental bikes were going to get stolen from Mallory Square. We still refused to believe that, because they were so very crappy. Plus there wasn’t much we could do about it at that point! When we finished our flight, I asked the bartender what his preferred cocktail was, and was overjoyed to learn it was an Old Fashioned. Even in the land of rum, people still like the classics.

Conveniently, it was only a couple-block walk from there to our hotel. It may have been the middle of the night again, but we were not going to miss a chance to swim in the infinity pool. Why they didn’t kick us out for doing cannonballs into the deep end at 2am, I will never understand.

In the morning, we unfortunately had to check out of the Southernmost House. (Had I known beforehand it was that great, we would’ve chosen to stay there the whole time. Next visit!) We rolled our suitcases the eight blocks or so to Azul Key West, which I’d picked because it was a little closer to the heart of things. Since we were early we had to leave the bags there, but that was fine. The guy working at the desk was super-friendly, and knew who we were when we arrived. We thanked him and headed to get some food.

Brunch meant an obligatory stop at Jimmy Buffett’s Margaritaville. We had to, because it’s a tradition. (That’s also the first Margaritaville I begrudgingly visited.) We also have a longstanding tradition of bringing home a souvenir shotglass, but we were both feeling the effects of the previous night to much to really want to do a shot. (We ended up buying one at the store afterwards.) They did have Kalik, the beer of the Bahamas, on the menu, so we got that instead. I was excited that Matt finally got to try it!

While we were there, we researched various options for sunset cruises in Key West. We called a couple places, and managed to find one that was available. We made reservations for that evening.

We did some shopping along Duval Street, working our way back down to Mallory Square. Rounding the corner to where our bikes were parked, we wondered if maybe they were actually stolen, as unlikely as it was. But no, they were sitting right there where we’d locked them up, in the same crappy condition as always. We threw our bags aboard and rode them back to the hotel, because it was time to check in.

The guy at the desk had already brought our bags up to the room, which was fantastic. We hung out there for a while, enjoying the air conditioning; it was ungodly humid in Key West right then, and brutal in the sun. I dozed off for a while, and my short nap was very effective at getting me back to 100%. I was ready for some history! We hopped on our bikes and rode over to see the Hemingway House.

We knew about the polydactyl cats there, but didn’t realize to what extent they had the run of the house. They were great, and couldn’t have cared less about the people paying attention to them. They were used to being tourist attractions.

 

I loved the Hemingway house, even though of course there was no air conditioning and we were sweating through our clothes.

My favorite thing was his studio. It was exactly what you’d expect from Ernest Hemingway.

His pool wasn’t bad, either!

We crammed in the gift shop with all the other visitors, and picked out some souvenirs. I’m pretty sure it was that crowded just because it was the only place with air conditioning.

From there, we rode over to Hemingway’s original Key West hangout: the former home of Sloppy Joe’s (which is now half a block away), Captain Tony’s. Captain Tony was a local character in his own right.

The place was absolutely covered in mementos from people who had visited, and they were aged to the point that you couldn’t tell if there had actually been a fire in there, or it was just years of cigarette smoke. All the chairs were painted with the names of famous people who’d sat there, too.

(I probably don’t need to mention the sheer joy of day drinking in a tropical climate, too.)

There was a really drunk group at the end of the bar trying to figure out what ‘vaya con dios’ meant. We laughed to ourselves about it for a while, and then I told them because I couldn’t take it anymore. They staggered out of the bar, and shortly after that a big group of bros from Jersey piled in. They were even more drunk, celebrating one of the guys’ birthday. (They were kind of a confusing group, too. They ranged in age from questionably-21 to 50ish.) They insisted on tequila shots and a lot of yelling, so we decided it was time to move on. Plus we were hungry!

We crossed the street to Amigos Tortilla Bar, where we both got tacos and beer. From there, we could still hear the bros yelling from across the street. Holy crap. The tacos were awesome, too!

From there, it was time to head up to the dock for our sunset cruise! We got our bikes and rode up to Schooner Wharf. I was very proud of myself for riding with a beer in my bike basket.

We checked in, and the guy at the desk gave us coupons for 2-for-1 drinks at the bar, so of course we had to take advantage of that. I had a Cuba Libre, and Matt got to have his second Kalik of the day. He was very sad about it, obviously:

Once we finished, it was time to board the Schooner Western Union. As we waited in line, they announced that the bar was open right away, so we all headed there for beer. We took a seat, listened to their safety instructions and description of our trip, and then we headed out of the harbor.

The ship was amazing. It was apparently used by Western Union to lay cable as late as the 1970s.

Once we were out of the harbor, we got to help raise the sails! It was way harder than I expected. Not because of the effort, but the speed with which the rope flies through your hands.

In addition to our awesome captain, Len, there was a hammered dulcimer player named Gary. He played sea shanties and told stories about the ship’s history. Seriously, we were dying of awesome.

We sailed past Mallory Square, where a crowd was starting to form for sunset. They took us past the cruise docks, and we saw the beach we’d been at the previous day. Once we got out into open ocean, they told us they were going to fire a cannon, and even picked out a catamaran to fire it at. It was a tiny cannon, but it was incredibly loud.

And then, after firing the cannon, there was a HOMING PIGEON. Gary brought out a basket and said he was going to release the bird, so we should have our cameras ready since he’d fly away quickly. He opened the basket, and the bird’s head popped out, looking around. Then he hopped up onto the edge of the basket, and just sat there. Gary was kind of embarrassed after the bird hung out for a few minutes, but it meant we all got a bunch of pictures. He finally took off, circled a few times, and headed back toward Key West.

The ship turned to head back toward the harbor, and Matt and I got ourselves some champagne for a toast. Just like the night we got engaged in Maui!!

 

And then it was sunset time. I think if I lived in Key West, I’d have to go watch it every night. I don’t know how that could ever get old.

On the way back, they explained the presence of the gigantic ship lurking nearby: it was the Discovery channel crew filming for Shark Week! They have a bunch of smaller boats that go out to sea, and they’re lifted back up to the deck of the large ship at night.

 

By the time we got back to the pier, it was completely dark. We went back to Schooner Wharf for another drink, and to work out our evening strategy. (We were working from a list of the most historic/interesting bars in Key West, so getting to them all required some planning.) We got our bikes, and rode down to Duval Street to park them. We were about a block from the Hog’s Breath, so we decided to try that first.

We ordered food and a drink and hung out for a while, but the place was a little too quiet for our tastes (it’s Duval Street… you want it to be crazy). We decided to give the Green Parrot a try, as it was another old Hemingway favorite. The bar was unfortunately too full to sit at, but we got a table where we could overlook the scene. Their Cuba Libres were delicious, apparently:

And because you can’t possibly stay away from Sloppy Joe’s for too long, we ended up back there around 12:30. We hung out at the bar with some Sloppy Ritas, watching the same cover band from Philly. They were great.

And then it was time to take our bikes back to the hotel, which seemed like quite a feat. I decided to give it a try, and the worst case was that we’d just have to walk them. I made it within a few blocks at the hotel before tipping over, but we were stopping at an intersection, so no damage was done. So riding bikes drunk is definitely possible, but I also wouldn’t recommend it. Especially if you’re me and are prone to amazingly bad balance as it is!

We got up Thursday morning and rode our crappy bikes down to Duval Street for the last time. We turned them in at the rental shop, and went across the street to have brunch on the patio at Caroline’s. Brunch included mojitos, of course.

We walked down Duval Street doing some further shopping, planning to call for a cab to the airport shortly. I looked up the taxi number and called, but the lady on the other end couldn’t hear me (or pretended she couldn’t, because it was loud outside). I tried three times to no avail, so I started looking up alternate cab companies. I dialed three other phone numbers, and they all went to the same damn crabby lady. Finally, I got through to a different company and requested to be picked up nearby.

The cab arrived quickly, and we headed off to the private charter terminal at the airport. We went into the waiting area for the Island City Flying Service, and only had to wait a little bit before an entertaining Australian lady came to take us all to the check-in area. That part involved reviewing a map of the Dry Tortugas so we knew where to snorkel, getting our flippers, and each couple getting a cooler to hold our beer and pop. If only all flights could be that way.

We went outside to wait for the plane, which landed shortly afterwards. While we waited, we talked to the other people for a bit. There was a pair of surgeons from Brazil (via Philly), and a couple who lived on their yacht in Florida. The husband was retired from the military, and had also worked on the space shuttle launch pad at NASA. Holy crap.

There were only six of us going to Fort Jefferson that day. We’d intentionally picked the afternoon trip, knowing that the ferry from Key West would be leaving just as we arrived, which meant we’d practically have the island to ourselves.

 
We boarded the plane, which had 10 single seats on either side of an aisle. We got to wear really sexy headphones so we could hear the pilot, too.

 

 
The flight was 45 minutes long, and on the way we got to see two shipwrecks, some boats stashed by Cuban refugees, and a ton of sea turtles. I thought I saw a shark, too, but I couldn’t tell for sure. It was definitely big enough to be a shark.

 
The pilot pointed out a bunch of interesting features along the way, and then we listening to a recording about the history of Fort Jefferson and the Dry Tortugas. (They were originally called the Tortugas, and ‘Dry’ was added to denote the lack of fresh water.)

 
As we neared the island, I knew that the seaplane was the absolute correct choice for the trip. We wouldn’t have had anywhere near the view from the ferry.

 
Speaking of the ferry, we saw it just leaving the dock as we arrived. Our pilot buzzed it on the way in.

 
I expected the landing to be bumpy, but it was actually smoother than on a regular runway! (The only other time I’ve been on a seaplane, I think I was eight. We landed on the river in downtown St Paul, which definitely doesn’t seem legal at all.)

 
We parked right on the beach in front of Fort Jefferson. The pilot told us we could just leave our stuff laying around, because we were the only people there except for the park ranger, a couple people staying at the campground, and the few people whose boat was docked there. There were at most 15 people on the entire island. That’s amazing.

 
Matt and I went to go tour the fort first. Rather than wait for the official tour, we just wandered around ourselves. It was insanely hot and humid there, seemingly even moreso than in Key West

 
We climbed up to the roof of the fort to take photos. From there, we could see jellyfish swimming in the moat. And not like the jellyfish I was familiar with seeing on Florida beaches… they were big pink or purple things, some of them over a foot across. We were maybe a little nervous about running into them. (Especially since the yacht-living couple had told us in detail how they treat jellyfish stings, and of course we were completely unprepared for that.)

 

 
After completing our quick tour of the fort, we went to take a look at the rest of the (very tiny) island. We saw the camping area, which made us really want to do that someday (until the pilot later told us that they were really rough conditions: not even because of the lack of water and the smell of the composting toilets, but because it rarely got below the mid-80s and extremely high humidity at night). We checked out the beach on one end of the fort, and saw the Brazilian couple hanging out there. On the walk back, we encountered the Florida couple heading that direction with their snorkel gear. Which meant that the beach on the other side of the fort belonged to us alone.

 
I was really, really nervous about being able to see jellyfish, but after swimming around and not encountering any of them for a while, I relaxed a little. We did some snorkeling, and I discovered that my underwater camera case didn’t work so well with my new, much-smaller camera!

 
We got out the beer from the cooler, and sat waist-deep in the water on our own private beach. I’ve had some really good days, but that one had to be in my top ten.

 
After a while, it was time to head back to the seaplane. We went and changed clothes on the dock (it’s really hard to do that when you can’t rinse off the salt water, by the way), then met up with our group at the plane. The Florida couple had picked up a couple of live conch to show us!

 
We climbed back in the plane and took the same seats so that we could see what we missed on the way there. I got to see the wreck of the Arbutus this time. The ship’s mast still sticks up above the water.

 
I also saw the only private island in the Florida Keys. Those people’s lives must be rough.

 
As we arrived back in Key West, the pilot pointed out a Cuban Airlines plane that has been parked at the Key West airport for years, because the pilots landed on the runway and ran away to defect. They didn’t know what to do with the plane, so it’s been sitting there ever since. Awesome.

 
Back at the airport, Matt and I walked over to the main terminal to the car rental counter and picked up our car. We drove to the hotel, picked up our parking pass, showered, and then headed down to park near Mallory Square for our last Key West sunset. SIGH.

 

Again, we got a table at Sunset Pier and ordered food and drinks. I decided it was time to order my drink in a coconut, since I’d been wanting one the whole time we had been there. Having a car made it way more convenient; I didn’t want to have to lock up my monkey on a bike!

 
Since we didn’t want to have to deal with leaving our car somewhere overnight, we took it back to the hotel and parked it in the tiny maze that was the Azul courtyard. We then headed off on foot to the Orchid Key Inn, which was recommended as a good cocktail bar. We found the tiny bar around back. It had only 8 seats, and was full of mostly-local people well into their drinking that evening (it was only 9:30pm). They were hilarious, though, and everyone there was having a great time. We tried ordering a couple specialties and the bartender wasn’t familiar with them, so we went with his flavored martini creations instead (they were actually really good, especially the French 75 made with St Germain). More people came in after a while, and we were convinced they were swingers. After a couple of drinks, we said goodbye to everyone and headed up Duval Street.

We decided on Bobalu’s, a very Caribbean-looking bar that we’d noticed the first night we were there. They had an entertaining cover band, a gaggle of bachelorette-partying girls, and very delicious pizza. Which got knocked off the bar halfway through, and they totally replaced for us (like, half the pizza… I think the kitchen staff had a snack). We hung out there for a while, and then it was time to head back to the hotel and prepare to leave Key West. Again, SIGH.

Friday morning, we got up and checked out of Azul Key West. We made a quick stop for Cuban coffee near the marina, then headed up the Keys toward Miami. It’s a drive I’ve always wanted to make.

It really didn’t take anywhere near as long as I expected, nor was the traffic that bad. As expected, Key West was the most touristy, and definitely most Caribbean. The others seemed more laid back, and much smaller towns. I liked Islamorada the best.

We decided to stop at Shell World in Key Largo. That was a good decision as far as souvenirs went! We spent a very long time there, and Bally hung out in a shark’s mouth:

Our progress slowed quite a bit as we left the southern Everglades area and approached the outskirts of Miami. We ended up stuck in non-highway traffic for what seemed like forever. I spent the time looking up places to stop on my phone while Matt drove: we were in search of a liquor store, to pick up some of the local specialties, and then dinner and drinks.

We finally arrived at a liquor store, and were the only non-Spanish-speakers there. They had a great selection, and really cheap prices, so we were very excited. From there, we made our way slowly to the freeway, and headed north to Fort Lauderdale. What we’d discovered in my very long time spent on Google was that there was an authentic old tiki bar up that way. It looked like it had the potential to rival Don the Beachcomber in California.

Oh, and it did. We instantly fell in love with Mai Kai. They had oldschool tiki drinks, female servers in bikinis and miniskirts (seriously!), and a rockabilly band was setting up behind us.

We stuck around to watch the band for a while, then hit the gift shop for a tiki mug and headed out. We drove back to Miami, then across to South Beach. It was getting on toward Miami dinnertime (i.e. 8pm), so it was insane in the area, but luckily our hotel was nearby. We had no idea where to park, though, so we called and they said we had to use the valet. At least that part was easy.

We checked into the Bentley South Beach, which was right across from the giant beachfront. Our room was spectacular, so we were sad we were staying for so short a time. We hung out on the balcony for a while smoking cigars and drinking beer, then decided to go experience the insane nightlife there. (I’d told Matt that everyone in South Beach was gorgeous, and they all went to clubs til 4am. We didn’t want to see the clubs or hang out with those people so much as gawk at them on the street.)

Once we were out walking up the beach, I was really glad I’d put a dress on. Otherwise I would have been the only woman out there in capris and a t-shirt.

We had a couple spots on our list that were recommended as good cocktail bars, so we walked up toward the first one. It was a long way, so when we got there and were turned away by the doorman (because 1) they didn’t open til later and 2) Matt was wearing shorts), we were pretty crabby about it. All we wanted was a place to hang out with halfway decent drinks, and far less of the South Beach scene. We knew that would be hard to come by.

We walked past a sushi place called Kung Fu Kitchen that had outside tables and looked pretty-low key, so we decided to go there for dinner. The service was iffy and the crowd got progressively douchier, but they had great food and pretty decent cocktails, too. Restored, we decided to press on in search of the elusive good bar.

Because Matt had done some research ahead of time, he recognized the name of one of them we passed. Because it was listed as a glorious dive, I hadn’t expected Mac’s Club Deuce to be in South Beach (I assumed Miami proper). But there it was, and it was indeed the bar we were looking for. There was most definitely not much in the way of South Beach scene there, just a lot of really drunk people and strong drinks.

The very drunk bartender (who was awesome) told us all about the joys of riding a horse on the beach in the Caribbean in great detail. Then a guy who I’d seen propping up the bar when we came in came over to talk, and seemed mostly normal for a while. Then we learned that he was gay, Jewish, and a hardcore republican, which really didn’t seem to fit well with the gay thing. He started telling Matt that according to his beliefs, people who modify their bodies are going to hell, because that’s the worst thing you can do to yourself. Matt humored his drunk ass for a long time, then left to go to the bathroom and escape him for a while. I ended up sitting next to him, and he started telling me the same thing. I was pretty amused by it… here was probably the most self-hating man in America telling me I was going to hell for having tattoos. He wasn’t even being a jerk about it, he was very matter of fact. I told him that was fine, because I happened to believe he was entirely wrong. After way too much of that conversation, though, we decided it was time to head elsewhere.

We went back over to Ocean Drive along the beachfront, wanting to stop in somewhere and sit at the bar. The first place we tried had a cover, so we went a couple doors down instead. It was there that we discovered, sometime after two in the morning, that you can get to-go cups in Miami. And this place didn’t just have to-go cups, they had to-do VATS. It was incredible.

We took our vats and walked down to the beach, where we sat in the sand for a long time. After realizing it was really dark and really late, we took off all our clothes and went for a swim. When we got back to the hotel afterwards, I was wearing my dress inside out (with the pockets sticking out from the sides), and we’d lost our underwear in the ocean.

In short, Miami is awesome.