Matt’s parents celebrated their 50th anniversary this year, and we’d long had plans to go join them in South Dakota in September for a road trip out to the Black Hills. A week or so before we were set to leave, we started seeing signs of a potential hurricane headed toward our island. We kept an eye on it, knowing we may need to prepare our house before leaving. We never expected things to go quite the way they did.

Our flight from Key West to Sioux Falls was scheduled on Thursday, 9/7. All of Labor Day weekend, every conversation in town centered on whether or not the hurricane was coming our way. All the models except for a couple showed it turning north and heading up the East Coast, but those few outliers were enough to make us nervous enough. I started to worry about the plan for Roy to go to his birdsitter’s on Thursday, in case they were going to evacuate. I called Delta and confirmed that I could indeed bring him onboard if necessary (for $150), as long as I had an airline-approved underseat cage. I quickly found one online and ordered it with 2-day shipping.

On Labor Day itself, Matt and I decided the possibility was real enough that we should figure out how to put up the hurricane shutters. They were way easier to put up than we expected, thankfully. We put a set up on the guest room window to try it out.

On Tuesday, I woke up and checked the NOAA prediction (like we’d been doing every 4 hours for the past few days). The new forecast track for a potential category 5 Irma went directly over Key West. The authorities declared a mandatory evacuation. And that’s when the panic started to set in.

At that point we were for sure putting up the hurricane shutters, and had to figure out what to do with Roy. I talked to his birdsitter, and said they were going to evacuate with their own 6 pets. A couple friends offered to take him, so we figured we had that option. His cage was supposed to arrive the next day, so I figured we had the option of flying with him if necessary. All of that was fine until my friend called and said the Key West airport was shutting down on Wednesday. Which meant we weren’t going to be able to fly out Thursday.

The rest of that afternoon was a full-on scramble involving rebooking a flight from Miami instead, piling all of our belongings up as high as possible in case of flooding (we have a ground-level house that got 3 feet of water in Hurricane Wilma), making staying-in-contact plans with our neighbors and tenants, putting up the hurricane shutters, and trying not to have a nervous breakdown. Matt did almost all of the work, because I was so panicked I felt like I was going to pass out. We hauled everything outdoors into the shed and gave our tenants the key so they could get out the shutters for their windows and door when they evacuated. We put our kayaks face-down on the patio and chained them up to a post, and gave our next-door neighbor the key; he asked if they could use them in case of emergency, since they planned to stay. Since Roy’s cage wasn’t going to arrive in time, I made arrangements to send him with Mark and his daughter Kennedy, who were going to be evacuating with their camper.

I ran to Pet Supermarket to get Roy more seeds and pellets, and the shelves there were already half-empty. I ran into his birdsitter there and she was nearly in tears, trying to deal with her responsibilities at the SPCA. Being outside was surreal – all you could hear was saws and power drills as people cut down dangerous tree limbs and put up storm shutters. People were on the street and online sharing evacuation plans, which was somehow reassuring knowing everyone already had a plan to be safe, just in case.

Our flight was at 7:30 the next morning, so we figured we’d wrap everything up at home, do the Roy handoff, and drive north. Matt booked us a hotel, and we finished packing. I had our safe contents with passports, birth certificates, and everything we couldn’t afford to lose. I also grabbed our wedding illustration signed by our friends and family, plus a bag of random stuff around the house (stuffed animals we’d gathered over the years, a wooden bird from my grandma’s house, a pottery fish – all the things where I couldn’t possibly explain to anyone why it was important, but I couldn’t leave it behind). We put those in the trunk of the car, which would be parked in Miami for the duration. (Much, much later, I had serious regrets over not bringing some of my nicer knitting projects – I had double-bagged everything in plastic and put it on the guest bed – and my favorite Christmas tree ornaments. Those are things that will *definitely* be on the evacuation list should this ever happen again.)

And then suddenly, through a massive SNAFU, we didn’t have a flight out of Miami after all. I called Delta, sat on hold forever, and cried my head off as the agent told me that all flights were booked and there was nothing they could do. I tried messaging them on Twitter (their support there is usually excellent), but got no response. We spent an hour or so frantically searching for any possible flight combinations that would get us from here (Miami, Ft Lauderdale, even Orlando) to either Sioux Falls or Minneapolis, so we could make it to my in-laws’ anniversary trip. We even considered driving all the way to Atlanta to catch the second leg of our flight that was supposed to leave Key West on Thursday. But everything was booked, and flights were coming up at $1200 and disappearing instantly before we could try to book them. (That was before they caught the runaway auto-pricing problem and set caps on airfare.)

So we were stuck, and Matt had to call and tell his parents we couldn’t make it, because we were just going to evacuate by car and go… somewhere. We didn’t really have a plan in place. I texted Mark and told him we would meet him tomorrow with Roy instead.

We’d just sat down on the couch in surrender around 9pm, when my phone beeped. It was the Delta Twitter agent, responding hours later. I explained the problem and told them we were desperate. Within a few minutes (with me dying of stress the whole time), he had us booked on the same flight out of Miami the next morning. I have no idea how they did it, but I’m considering it an actual miracle. It definitely felt like it at the time.

I called Mark, explained the abrupt change of plans, and we finished up at the house. We put the last shutters up over our front door, wished our tenants luck with their own evacuation, and headed out. We met Mark around 10pm for the Roy handoff, and then got on the road to Miami. I cried for a while, and then got down to the business of getting us to the mainland as fast as possible. Matt called his parents and told them the good news.

Despite the evacuation order, there was barely any traffic that late at night. The ocean was perfectly calm, which made it nearly impossible to believe that the hurricane was coming. We got to Miami in record time, checking into our hotel at 1:30 in the morning. We had exactly 4 hours until we had to be up for our flight the next morning. Exhaustion was a good thing, though, because it gave us no time to think about what was next.

We got up at 5:30, drove to the Park and Fly by MIA, and took the shuttle to the airport. Even at that time of morning, it was mobbed with people trying to evacuate. We made it to our flight and discovered that our miraculous Twitter agent had also booked us in Economy Comfort seats, which were fantastic. We flew from Miami to Minneapolis, where we had a couple hour layover. We went to get breakfast and ended up sitting at the bar. When the bartender asked where we were coming from, everyone around us gasped and stared. (That’s something we got used to quickly over the next few days.) By the time we were done there we had talked to everyone around us, met another KW local who was sitting elsewhere in the restaurant, and the bartender had comped almost our whole tab. People are really, really great to each other during emergencies.

We then boarded a short flight to Sioux Falls at met Matt’s parents at the airport. We had lunch in town, then drove to their house in Watertown where we spent the evening doing not much of anything except trying not to panic. Matt’s dad turned on the Weather Channel in time to see our next-door neighbor driving his Model A out of the Keys.

The next morning, the new forecast tracks were out showing they expected the storm to take its hard turn early enough to miss a direct hit on in the Keys. It was predicted to hit Miami instead, which was also terrible, but we were breathing a tiny bit easier over that. The further from our island, the better.

Since we didn’t have Roy with us, I’d brought the knitted version of him. This one’s WAY quieter. We spent the day working at the dining room table, with plans to leave on our roadtrip the next day.

That night, things seemed a bit calmer. The storm predictions were looking better all day, if a near miss. After dinner, Matt and I went to check out Watertown Brewing for a couple hours. It was a really great little brewery. Also, we hadn’t been in South Dakota for almost 2 years!

The next morning, we got up and headed off on the Great American Road trip. The distraction was good, but long hours in the car staring out the window aren’t exactly conducive to *not* thinking about a hurricane, either.

The Dignity Sculpture along the Missouri River was really impressive:

The giant prairie dog was less impressive, but we still got Bally’s picture with it.

I hadn’t been to the Badlands in years. I forgot how impressive and strange those mountains are.

I kept checking my phone for updates from NOAA and the NWS over the course of the day, and again things were getting much, much worse for us. The hurricane was going to reach Florida on Sunday, and we were running out of time for it to make the turn north. The outlier predictions that had it going directly over the Keys and then up the west coast of the peninsula were starting to look like the accurate ones.

I cried in Wall Drug.

We met a guy from Florida there who wanted to talk all about the hurricane. I hid behind Matt and made him deal with it while I tried not to have a breakdown in public. Bally was having a good time, though.

We got to our hotel in Rapid City, and I decided it was finally time to disconnect from everything. Seeing the predictions was only making me panic more, and there was no longer anything I could do about it. We just had to wait to see if we had a home to return to.

All the while, Matt’s parents were having their 50th anniversary trip, wanting to take photos of all of us together and celebrate. I know that mostly they just wanted the distraction as well, but it was still awful. I was just a zombie the whole time, alternating crying and feeling totally blank for a few hours at a time. Those couple of days are a total blur. We went out with friends of his parents, had some great meals and some good beers, and saw a lot of really cool stuff on our trip. I just have a lot of trouble remembering it.

These hungry burros are in Custer State Park. They were hilarious.

We got caught in an actual bison traffic jam.

Sylvan Lake:

Contrary to our expectations, it was HOT in South Dakota, into the low 90s. We didn’t have to dress for fall after all.

This is the only picture I took at Mount Rushmore. But what else do you need, really?

We’d go into souvenir shops at all of the tourist attractions, where we’d usually pick up a magnet or Christmas ornament. I couldn’t even manage that (thankfully, Matt could do normal things), because I didn’t want to consider the fact that those souvenirs might be the only things we owned.

Meanwhile, Mark and Kennedy were fleeing the storm themselves. They’d originally driven up near Orlando, then kept going and adjusting their plans as the hurricane changed course. By this time, they’d made it all the way to central Alabama, where they were in a city campground. Mark had stories about how amazing people were along the way, and how the town had adopted all the evacuaees, bringing them food, supplies, and even shelter where necessary. Roy was having the time of his life camping – the dude loves riding in the car and hanging out outside, not to mention being totally spoiled by Kennedy. Here he is camping:

I’d been in touch with all our KW friends pretty much the entire time, but everything went quiet around the time I dropped off the internet. I think everyone else just went into quiet panic mode then, too. Almost everyone we knew, even the people who swore they were riding it out, had left town by the time it started looking really bad. We knew of two people who were staying, and I was terrified we were going to lose them as well as our entire city. We all knew well that if Key West took a direct hit from a cat-5 hurricane with 160mph winds, there was very likely to be nothing left to return to.

We had an amazing lodge that night in Keystone, with a view overlooking Mount Rushmore. We went into town for dinner and a visit to an oldtimey saloon. I’m sad that I basically floated through all of it, because I know normally we’d have had a great time. I kept having to go to the bathroom to cry.

The strange thing was that I never had nightmares during the trip. I don’t remember anything I dreamed about, thankfully. My days were full of visions of the ocean rushing into my house and my belongings washing out to sea, but at least I was mostly able to sleep during the trip. Evening cocktails with the in-laws helped with that, of course.

The next morning, I woke up knowing the hurricane would have arrived in Key West by then. It took me half an hour to decide whether I should check my phone or just wait for Matt to get up and tell me what was going on. I decided it would be easier to just look, so I did. Unfortunately, I didn’t wait long enough, because it was just arriving. Of course there was no communication from anyone by then – the power and cell towers were long gone – but there was something about the NWS Key West’s posts that were somehow encouraging. I don’t even remember exactly how we found out, but indications were that even though the eye had passed within 25 miles of Key West, it passed on the “good” side, meaning KW would have been far less affected. You don’t want to be on the east side of a hurricane.

By the time Matt was showered and ready for breakfast, we knew that things were probably better than we expected, though we had to wait for the storm surge threat to pass. They kept saying they were predicting a 3-5 foot surge, which was a very bad thing, especially on our low part of the island. Still, we knew chances were good that we still had a house at *that* point, and I had seen a couple videos from storm chasers in town that didn’t look very bad at all.

I couldn’t go to breakfast – Matt went with his parents while I sat obsessively reloading Twitter and Facebook for any news. After breakfast, we checked out and got on the road to Deadwood, stopping in Hill City along the way. The museum there (which told the story of the guy who found Sue, the famous t-rex who lives at the Field Museum in Chicago) was great.

We stopped for a beer and a snack at Miner Brewing, the sister company to Prairie Berry Winery, where we stopped to pick up my sister’s favorite wine. (Note: when the cashier there asked to see my drivers license, I had a small panic attack that she would say something about Key West. I was long past the point of wanting to talk to any strangers about anything related to it. Thankfully, she didn’t.)

We drove through Spearfish Canyon on the way to Deadwood.

We also stopped to see Wild Bill’s gravesite:

People had left him some thoughtful tributes!

Potato Creek Johnny was my new favorite Deadwood local, though. Matt’s mom said that her parents used to threaten them that he’d show up if they were bad.

We checked into the Celebrity Hotel, which also happened to be a casino. (That’s pretty much every hotel in Deadwood – it’s mini-Vegas). His parents had a fancy suite, and we had a slightly less-fancy suite, but both were great. They’d told us they would have champagne in the room for the big celebration. Nobody tell them this wasn’t exactly champagne:

Matt and I went to our room to decompress for a bit. I’d learned on Facebook that people were using Zello to communicate with people in Key West; there were a couple people in town on either satellite phone or a land line – the only form of communication the storm hadn’t taken down – who were relaying info a few evacuees, who were then transmitting the information over Zello. People were asking for the status of various neighborhoods and streets, and people would respond if they’d heard anything about them. We left it running for a couple of hours while we were sitting around in the hotel, and by then had fairly good confirmation that our part of town was largely undamaged. There were hardly any reports of flooding in Key West, which was incredible.

The keys to the east were clearly in much, much worse condition. The fact that there was zero word about anything past Stock Island was a very bad sign. The roads were largely impassable, so people weren’t even able to drive up there to check.

There were ongoing reports of things like the Snake Creek bridge being out and the 7 Mile Bridge taking damage, things that would’ve delayed anyone’s return by possibly months. The news was reporting that Key West was basically destroyed, which was exactly in opposition from what we were hearing from people reporting from the ground there. We all knew there was no power or cell service, so it would be a while before we had a good sense of what was actually happening, but all signs were looking fairly positive.

By the time we were ready to head out, we were starting to feel like everything might be OK. We all went to gamble for a bit, Matt and I heading to the automated craps table and his parents going to play slot machines. Afterward, we reconvened for dinner, and then went to Saloon #10, which was famous as a Deadwood haunt back in the old-west days. There was sawdust covering the floor, and a country band playing. Matt’s parents went to dance.

After a while, Matt and I went to play blackjack in the other room of the bar (that’s a thing that happens in Deadwood). I ended up winning a lot, which felt appropriate on a day when I learned that my house probably survived a major hurricane.

The next morning, Deadwood was very quiet. Everyone must have been out late. I myself had probably the best sleep of my life, for once not trying to drown out the deathly panic and horror of the hurricane. It was the first morning I hadn’t cried in the shower, either.

We went downstairs to join Harlan and Judy in the lobby, where they had free breakfast. Have you ever made toast on a casino floor before? We have!

They had Herbie the Love Bug there, too. Deadwood is hilarious.

We hauled our stuff out to the car and started the very very long journey back across South Dakota. I was checking my phone for news from home every time I had a signal, which wasn’t that often.

Along the way, we stopped to check out the Minuteman Missile sites. One of the silos is just off the interstate, but you wouldn’t know it at all from the road. You can see a fenced enclosure in the middle of a giant cow pasture, and that’s it.

See? Those are all cows in the background.

I love this old Cold War stuff.

From there, we went about 10 miles down the interstate to their new visitor center, which was very nice, and also in the middle of nowhere.

This sign is the best. They had a good little museum there. Once you’ve been to a lot of Cold War sites (hello, Berlin), you get to the point where you could narrate the tour yourself.

We got back to Watertown, unpacked and reorganized everything, and went to get dinner at Dempsey’s downtown. The next day (Tuesday), we worked at the in-laws’ table again. Sometime that day, NOAA started publishing satellite flyover photos of the Keys, starting with Key West. I was shaking as I zoomed in to look at our neighborhood. When I found our house, I figured something was wrong, because everything looked normal. There was no debris visible in the street, and everything looked the same way we left it. I had heard that a nearby hotel had lost a lot of its room, so I found that on the map and sure enough – the roof was gone. Those were indeed post-Irma photos, and our house was still there. I could see the kayaks laying on the patio upside down exactly the way we left them, which meant that we probably didn’t even have much flooding. The huge buttonwood tree in the backyard appeared to be down, but it hadn’t fallen on anything. Seeing that was incredible.

The next day, we headed to Minneapolis. We checked into the Hamptown downtown (conveniently attached to my work) and then headed to dinner in St Paul with the in-laws, Wendy, Amelia, and Missy and their kids. It was great to see them and just have a totally normal night out.

Here’s the view from our hotel room! It’s starting to feel like we’re tourists when we visit Minneapolis now. It’s been two years, after all.

Some of the things we evacuated. You know, the important stuff. Emergency Backup Roy was especially important.

Work was pleasantly quiet. I got a huge project done, and was happy to see all my coworkers again, even though we’d just been there for a quick trip the previous month. That night, a bunch of friends came out and we took over the side room at Grumpy’s. It was great.

The next night, we had dinner with my family and went out to see our friends’ band. We had a quick stop at Triple Rock before it was time to head back to the hotel. We got up early Saturday morning, checked out, and took the train to the airport. We weren’t quite going home yet (they weren’t allowing residents back into most of the Keys yet), but at least we were going to be a lot closer.

The damage in Miami was apparent right away, with trees down all over the place, and electric trucks still working next to the airport. Our first stop on the way to the hotel in Doral was Publix to buy some subs. (It’s the true Florida comfort food.) We did nothing else but hang out on the couch that night, being glad to be that close to home. Even though we still had no idea when we’d get there.

Sunday, we did some shopping and went to Gulfstream Park. FPL had a huge electric staging site in their parking lot.

That evening, we went over to Miami Beach for drinks and dinner. Sweet Liberty was fantastic, and all the bartenders wanted to talk about the Keys. One of them was doing regular supply runs into Key Largo, which was fantastic.

The rest of the week, all we had to do was work from the hotel and wait to see when we’d be able to get home. It was starting to look like it might be soon, at least. We got to a lot of good restaurants, and managed to meet up with some of our local friends who were also waiting to get home.

They announced that the entire route down the Keys would be opening, but that there was still no power or water for most of it. We planned to wait til our neighbors said that power had returned. That turned out to be Tuesday or Wednesday (it’s all a blur at this point). We asked work for half of Thursday and Friday off so we could finally head home.

We also had to switch hotels in the middle of the week. The whole thing had become insanely exhausting and annoying.

Thursday, we worked in the morning, checked out at noon, and headed up I-95 to our planned a meetup with Mark and Kennedy, who were camping on base at Cape Canaveral at that point. Or course Mark picked the most appropriate spot to meet – a Key West themed restaurant in Melbourne.

We were so thrilled to finally see our little buddy. He seemed pretty happy to see us, too, but we could tell he was having a great time on his evacuation adventure. Kennedy totally spoiled him.

We appreciated that Hemingway’s Tavern didn’t mind having a parrot taking up a seat on the patio. They brought us Key lime pie for dessert after hearing our story, too.

We thanked Mark and Kennedy profusely, said goodbye (they weren’t returning to Key West for a while longer), and headed back to Miami, where we managed to sneak Roy into the hotel and avoid the $150 pet fee. We had absolutely zero idea what to expect from him behavior-wise in a hotel room, but he was great. He was pretty quiet, and just happy to hang out. The next morning, his breakfast consisted of veggies Kennedy had sent along with him, and some eggs from the breakfast buffet. I’m pretty sure Roy thinks hurricanes are the best thing ever.

And then, 18 days after evacuating, it was finally time to go home. We’d already seen a lot of photos from other people driving back, so I had a good idea of what to expect, but it was still brutal to see it.

The spray-painted signs on the road in Key Largo welcoming us home made me cry. So did the damage.

The most bizarre part was the trees – they were brown and completely bare because Irma had blown all their leaves off. The ones that were left standing, at least.

We’d asked around about the most-needed supplies in the Lower Keys (since they seemed to be ok for water and food at that point), and were told that cleaning supplies were in demand. With the storm surge that went through there, everyone was going to be dealing with mold. We’d picked up a bunch of vinegar, peroxide, and trash bags in Miami, so we stopped at a huge distribution center in Big Pine to drop it off.

Despite all the damage, it was great to see so many tents set up distributing supplies where they were most needed.

We got home to find out that our tenants had taken all of the hurricane shutters off the house and put them in the shed, so I wanted to hug them forever. The yard was a mess, as expected. Six weeks later, this tree is still laying across the power lines in the yard, waiting for Keys Energy to deal with it. But it somehow managed to fall in the spot where it damaged absolutely nothing, which is still unbelievable. It could’ve fallen on our house, the neighbor’s shed, or smashed my garden to bits.

We did end up getting some water in the house. We have a 3″ step down by the back door and pantry, and there was a water line showing it was 2″ deep. We were incredibly lucky. We lost a bookshelf and cookbooks to mold, and that was it.

Every street in the city was a huge pile of debris for a couple weeks. When the truck with a crane came to pick it up, everyone went outside to watch and celebrate.

This poor guy took some damage. It’s being repainted as I type this.

Looks-wise, Key West is pretty much back to normal, but the streets are much brighter now. We lost a lot of trees, and some businesses still haven’t reopened. Compared to the keys even 20 miles away from us, though, we got unbelievably lucky; we happened to be on the ‘clean’ side of the hurricane as it passed, and missed the massive storm surge that washed over Big Pine. They’re going to be rebuilding for years, and nobody here should forget that.

I woke up at 8:30 Tuesday morning covered in bites from what was presumably the largest swarm of mosquitos in history. (Possibly they were chiggers or something beach-like on that order, but I’m not sure. All I know is that I wanted to scratch off all the skin on my legs. It sucked.)

We checked out of our run-down resort and hopped on the Overseas Highway. We crossed back over Seven Mile Bridge and passed Bahia Honda, then crossed into Big Pine Key. As soon as you’re over the bridge, there are fences on either side of the road; that’s to protect the Key deer, which are just miniature version of real deer). They’re only found in Big Pine Key, and they’re very protected. There are signs everywhere about their extremely low speed limit, and stories of people being pulled over all the time. I was dead-set on seeing one, since I hadn’t on our last trip through.

Shortly after crossing the bridge, I saw the back half of one of them pressed against the fence, so I felt like that was a good sign. The lady at the Key Largo welcome center said they just wander all over the neighborhoods in the Key, so I turned onto a side street and we started driving around slowly. The key is densely tree-covered, so it seemed like it would be pretty easy to see them in such a protected area, in a driveway or side street. BUT NO.

We drove further into the depths of the key, crossing to No Name key. Mostly I just wanted to see something with that name, but we figured there might be deer there too. But no, just a lot of awesome oceanside houses and swampy, empty space.

We finally decided to just go to the Key Deer center and see them there. We parked and walked up to the entrance, only to find it closed; it’s apparently part of the national parks system, and this was during the government shutdown. Lame.

I resignedly got back on the highway, and we headed south again. Then out of the corner of my eye, I saw something on the side of the road: a Key deer was starting to cross. We stopped and watched it walk across the Overseas Highway. Of course we would finally see one in the most populated area of the island.

After Big Pine Key, there are a ton of bridges and causeways connecting more spread-out and less-touristy islands with awesome names, like Sugarloaf Key, Cudjoe Key, Knockemdown Key, and Saddlebunch Key. There are communities lining the coast with ridiculously giant oceanside mansions and huge boats. I did indeed have some envy over that, but I’d be happy with a very small oceanside house and a smaller boat.

We stopped at the famous Baby’s Coffee to pick up some beans to take home (we loved that some of their blends were Hemingway references), and then crossed over onto Stock Island. Our predetermined lunch destination was Hogfish Bar and Grill, which was hard to locate even with signs AND Google Maps’ help. We finally found it down by the docks, and were thrilled to officially be in Key West.

We got a picnic table and checked out the menu. Of course the only ‘vegetarian’ option was Caesar salad, but I didn’t really care that much. We ordered beer and hung out looking at the docks and the roosters wandering around the dirt road.

After lunch, we drove into Key West proper. There was road construction and traffic was terrible, but we had time to kill before we could check in anyway. We headed over to the fishing pier near Martello Tower, because we’d never seen that part of town before. It was about a billion degrees and humid outside, so the wind on the pier was a nice break. Also, we saw this dude fishing on the rocks:

This is facing the southernmost point in the continental U.S.:

We walked back and headed to East Martello Tower, because I really wanted to see the gardens there.

The man taking admission up front was a Packers season ticketholder. Seriously, they’re EVERYWHERE.

The gardens are run by the Key West Garden Club, and they were fantastic. It’s like a little sanctuary inside the fort. There’s even a huge banyan tree with a doorway in it, and geckos and iguanas hanging out all over the place.

The gardens were quiet and secluded, and the perfect setup for a wedding. There were fruit trees all over the place.

There were a couple ibis walking around, too, and this guy was not happy that we followed him around.

A little light rain started while we were there, but we could barely feel it. We wandered around in the orchids some more, and then went to find the in-laws, who were hanging out inside watching a video about the place.

By then it was time to check in, so we headed over in the direction of the Lighthouse Court. Since it’s across the street from the Hemingway House, traffic around there was insane (it’s always insane in Key West – having a car there is a huge inconvenience), so Matt dropped us and the bags off, and went to circle while we checked in.

The guys at the front desk were incredibly friendly, and gave us 2-for-1 mojito coupons from their onsite bar and a parking pass, since it turned out they had free spaces behind the hotel. We had no reason to use the car while we were in town, so that worked well. I met Matt to go park, and the in-laws went to their room. We had two rooms next door to each other in one of their long buildings on the property.

The rooms weren’t big, but they were very clean and comfortable, and each of them opened onto the deck that led out to the patio and pool in back. Plus there was a cornhole court in the shade of the Key West Lighthouse, and the place seemed really quiet despite being in the middle of everything. Also, you get to see Hemingway’s place every time you walk out the front gate:

We had a drink in the rooms with Matt’s parents, then headed down Whitehead Street to visit the Southernmost Point marker. As usual, there was a line of people waiting to take photos of it, but somehow I managed to finally get one without anyone in it!

From there we walked over to see the Southernmost House, where we’d stayed for our last visit, and then back up Duval Street, past all the shops and restaurants. My mother-in-law is scared to death of birds, but she didn’t seem too bothered by the roosters there. (Pigeons would be another matter entirely.)

We stopped back at the hotel bar to redeem our mojito coupons, and hung out on the patio for a while. Around 5:30, we headed back out and went directly to Sloppy Joe’s, because it was very important that they witness the most legendary Key West bar posthaste. They loved it, of course. And so did we, because they serve Papa Dobles.

It was nearing sunset time, so we got some roadies and walked down to Mallory Square. Judy keyed in on a guy singing reggae, so we stood near him to watch the sunset. He said his name was Key West Mustafa, and he was pretty entertaining to listen to.

After sunset, we watched another busker doing weird ladder tricks with fire, and then walked down Duval Street again to Margaritaville for dinner, because NOBODY loves Jimmy Buffett like my mother-in-law. Seriously, I’m surprised she doesn’t go to the parrothead conventions. According to their website, they had live music nightly at 9:30, but by the end of dinner it was clear that the in-laws weren’t going to make it anywhere near that long. They hopped on a pedicab back to the hotel, and Matt and I set off to wander.

The smallest bar (a tiny walk-up place in an alley) was empty, so we had to stop in for a drink. We asked the bartender where he hung out, and he recommended Levity Lounge. We made a note of that for later, and headed over to Captain Tony’s because it was a lot nearer. It was super-crowded and took forever to get any service, but I did discover that one of their house beers is pretty good.) From there we went to the Rum Barrel, which was surprisingly empty by that time of night. While the bartender set us up for a rum flight, it became clear that they were ready to close. We asked her about it and she said she didn’t care, since she’d be there cleaning up anyway. I like island bars.

Once they closed, we walked over to World of Beer (which I think was new since our previous visit). They had a monstrous and awesome beer list, which of course is a GREAT idea after a bunch of rum. We ended the night with Matt getting pizza at a little shop while I made friends with a girl from Wisconsin across the street from Sloppy Joe’s. As it goes in Key West.

Wednesday morning, we got up not entirely ready to face the day. Matt’s parents were already out wandering around, since they’d gotten in much earlier than us the previous night. We picked up coffee from a crabby Russian girl at a place on Duval Street, and then walked down to Mallory Square to meet them for an early lunch at El Meson de Pepe. Despite it not being vegetarian-friendly at all (what Cuban place is?), I still like it a lot, and was happy with my plantain-nacho-and-capirinha brunch.

After eating, we went to see more of Mallory Square, and hang out with the chickens.

There was a big ship in port, so the shops in the area were fairly busy. We wandered around them for a while, and then headed farther down Duval to see some more shops. As we passed La Concha (which is now a Crowne Plaza, apparently?), I remembered something I’d read on a travel forum about a rooftop bar and overlook. We decided to go in and check it out.

The bar wasn’t open til 4, but the patio was still unlocked, and there were a few people out there at a table. The view was excellent.

Facing Mallory Square:

Duval Street:

The hallways of the hotel are lined with historic photos of Key West and its many celebrity visitors, too. It’s definitely worth checking out!

Since it had been at least an hour since we’d had a cocktail, we stopped in to Willie T’s. I was very excited to be back there, because we’d been there with a group of five on our first visit, but it was closed for remodeling when Matt and I were there for our pre-honeymoon. We grabbed a little table near the tiny stage, and got a round of mojitos.

I tried to find the dollar bill we’d posted on the wall earlier, too, but I couldn’t remember exactly where it was (not surprisingly). There was a guy named Zach playing the guitar and making terrible jokes on stage (including a song about rhyming with Olive, which I’ll probably never forget).

Once we were done there, we walked back to the hotel. My father-in-law wanted to nap, and Matt and I wanted to go for a swim. We got a couple mojitos at the bar and got in the pool. I wouldn’t really call what we did ‘swimming’, though… mostly we floated around with pool noodles for an hour and occasionally had a sip of our drinks. It was awesome. Judy joined us for a while, sitting on the edge of the pool with her feet in the water. (Someday I’ll convince her to actually come in!)

After a shower and preparing a room drink, we all headed back down towards Sloppy Joe’s, stopping to see the Mile Zero marker along the way.

We had drinks and a couple of appetizers at Sloppy Joe’s (including very delicious cheese arepas), then headed in the direction of the wharf. We had reservations on the Jolly II Rover, which I’d booked because we wanted to take them on the Schooner Western Union, but it was being remodeled. This schooner came highly recommended, though, so it seemed like a good replacement. Plus it has red sails!

It’s a smaller boat than the Western Union, so the crowd was smaller, too. Also, it’s BYOB, which means it’s cheaper. We brought a bottle of Filipino rum and some mixers, and they supplied ice, water, and plastic cups. I liked that arrangement a lot.

Captain Rio (really!) was at the helm, and the ship’s owner also happened to be aboard. We headed out about 6pm, and sailed past Mallory Square, which was filling up for the sunset celebration as it does every night.

It was the absolute perfect night to be out sailing. There wasn’t very much wind close to sunset, but there was enough that we could maneuver into a good position without having to use the engine. While we were waiting for sunset, the crew circled around talking to everyone, and we heard a lot of fascinating stories about their jobs and sailing experience. The captain told us all about his spearfishing adventures in the Tortugas, and the ship’s owner talked about why he decided to buy it. We were so envious.

Sunset was fantastic, too. They explained to everyone about the green flash, and one guy on board SWORE he saw it. There was kind of a white flash, but definitely not a green one. (He was probably drinking Filipino rum, too.)

Post-sunset, we sailed back toward the wharf, much closer to Mallory Square this time. Once we got to one of the narrow streets lined with condos and hotels, they fired the ship’s cannon down the street just to make it echo like crazy. It was fantastic.

We docked around 8pm, and headed back down toward the main part of town for dinner. We’d decided on Kelly’s, since Matt and I liked it so much the first time around. The place was not very crowded at all, and we had a nice table out on their giant patio. The vegetarian offerings weren’t that great, but Matt loved his fried chicken and the house beers were good. The in-laws seemed pleased as well.

After dinner, we walked a block or so to the Green Parrot, one of the other oldtimey bars in Key West. It was apparently also one of the few crowded places, which was kind of shocking. We found a small table along a rail and quickly discovered why it was so busy: they have open ukelele jams on Wednesday. There was a group up on stage leading the crowd, and a whole bunch of people with ukeleles down below following along. They were even selling ukeleles, should you wish to just pick one up and jump in. I loved it.

I had never realized that their ceiling was a giant parachute, either:

Matt’s parents headed out after a drink, and Matt and I decided to stick around a bit longer. It started to clear out after the ukelele jam, so we grabbed spots at the bar and hung out. Round about 12:30, we decided it was time to head back so we wouldn’t feel quite so unpleasant the next morning.

Thursday morning, we got up and headed to the pool deck for breakfast. They had a counter set up with the typical hotel fare: toast and bagels, bananas, some pastries, and yogurt. Eating outside on the patio made it a lot more exciting, though. We picked up the in-laws from their hotel room (they’d eaten earlier, of course) and crossed the street to visit the Hemingway house.

We opted to walk around ourselves rather than go on the tour. It was a really hot day, so being in a crowd in those only fan-cooled rooms seemed like a little much. The cats didn’t mind at all… I liked this guy hanging out on Papa’s bed:

We toured the entire house, then the grounds, including the cat cemetery. I tried not to look too closely.

There’s a good view of the lighthouse from the upstairs balcony. Key West legend has it that Hemingway liked living across the street from the lighthouse, because he never had trouble finding his way home from the bar at night.

His office is in a building out behind the main house, and it’s my favorite. It’s covered in souvenirs from his travels all over the world.

Bally got to meet one of his cats, too, who wasn’t terribly interested in having a basketball hanging out with him.

We stopped in the shop, picked up some souvenirs, and dropped them back at the hotel. Then we walked a couple of blocks down Duval to the Conch Train stop, and purchased tickets. It’s not generally the kind of thing Matt and I would do (especially after having been there a couple times), but my parents enjoyed it quite a bit, and at that point Matt’s parents welcomed the opportunity to be off their feet for a while.

The tour ended up being really interesting, and we visited places on side streets that we hadn’t seen before. We also learned a LOT about Key West history. It took us down to Mallory Square, where we had an obligatory stop at the shops and restrooms there. We decided to get lunch, so we walked over to Island Dogs nearby. (Note: do not make the mistake of going to Island Dogs. The food and service were both godawful.)

After lunch, we boarded another Conch Train for the rest of the tour, which takes about 2 hour or so total.

I thought the second half was more interesting, since it went into some of the newer parts of town, and farther from Duval and the wharf area. We saw a lot of really interesting houses, and noted that Key West LOVES Halloween – everything was decorated like crazy. At this point, Matt’s dad was already dozing off on the train, so I’m not sure he saw much of the tour. When we arrived back at our starting point, we hopped off and went into the hot sauce store nearby for a tasting. (We ended up bringing three bottles home with us.)

After that, we walked back to the hotel to relax for a while. We made drinks in the room, and then went to play cornhole while Judy watched and Harlan napped. The little backyard of the hotel is seriously great, and the lighthouse and huge tree provide a lot of shade.

Judy decided to go take a nap before dinner as well, so we made plans to come back and pick them up at 5:30 to go for sunset and dinner. Matt and I walked down
Duval in the other direction, stopping into a few stores to buy sandals and souvenirs. Then we headed to Rum Bar in the Speakeasy Inn, one of the best places we’d stopped at on our previous visit. This time, Bahama Bob himself was tending bar! We welcomed his advice on our rum flight, which was served up in a barge.

(We had Botron, Angostura, Diplomatico, and the two on the right are Hemingway-tribute rums called Papa’s Pilar, so obviously we were thrilled about that.)

Once our rum was finished, Matt became intrigued by the repurposed Carlo Rossi jug behind the bar labelled “Bob’s Bark Juice”. Bob explained that it was infused with a bunch of bark and herbs, so it’s basically just like Mama Juana from the Dominican Republic. (It’s also made with 150-proof rum.) Matt ordered one, and I declined, though I did try it. There’s some flavor in there that I can’t get past, and I wish I knew what it was. Also, that meant that Matt was in GREAT shape by late afternoon.

We walked back to the hotel to retrieve the in-laws, and of course mix a drink for the long walk to Mallory Square. On the way, we met this ibis hanging out overhead, probably trying to poop on us.

We stopped into Captain Tony’s for a beer, because we really wanted them to see that place, too – it was the original location of Sloppy Joe’s, back when Hemingway hung out there, and Captain Tony was his friend. They enjoyed all the bras suspended from the ceiling, I’m sure. There was a guy with a guitar singing for tips at the door, so Judy hopped up and sang a song with him, and then we were on our way to Mallory Square for sunset.

We stopped at the outdoor bar at El Meson de Pepe (because you wouldn’t want to be without a cocktail at sunset), and Harlan went inside to use the restroom. We waited forever for him, and it was becoming clear that he was lost. We walked around for a while, and finally saw him standing in the square, scanning the crowd. We retrieved him in time to take some awesome photos before sunset.

We hung out near Key West Mustafa again, where Bally met the stuffed tiger hanging out on his gear.

Our final sunset in Key West was as good as the rest of them:

After sunset, Key West Mustafa requested some help singing the Banana Boat song, so Judy hopped right up to the microphone and joined a group of women singing backup. Yes, my mother-in-law was busking in Mallory Square, and it was awesome.

We decided to walk back down to the wharf because we’d noticed a bunch of restaurants over there the previous night. I knew they’d all be seafood places, but figured one of them had to have something I could eat; I’ve learned that I can’t really be a picky vegetarian on vacation, especially in places that are really seafood-focused. We walked around checking all the menus, and things weren’t looking promising. We finally decided to go into Conch Republic Seafood without looking at the menu. I figured I would cobble something together, or maybe just have mojitos while they ate.

I ended up with a salad and artichoke/callaloo dip, which was actually pretty tasty. Matt had snapper Wellington stuffed with blue crab. The drinks were pretty good, and we were on a giant patio overlooking the ocean, so it was hard to be too annoyed with subpar vegetarian options at that point. The in-laws seemed to like the place quite a bit, too.

After dinner, we walked back down to Duval Street, which was far more crowded than it had been the two previous nights. Judy had declared her intentions to go hear the song Margaritaville at the original Margaritaville, so we went over there and got a table. A guy was just setting up on stage with his guitar, so we were set. We got drinks, and my mother-in-law got herself one of the shark-fin hats that they were passing around. She was having a pretty good day.

Guitar guy was horrendously boring, but finally he got around to playing her song (after she prompted him some, of course). They danced, and then decided it was time for them to head back to the hotel. We breathed a sigh of relief over being free of guitar guy, and said goodnight. Matt and I walked over to Levity Lounge, and found it in an alley off a side street, attached to the giant Cowboy Bill’s complex (a really dumb cowboy-themed bar that we avoided like the plague). They had a really good beer selection and big TVs showing the Giants/Bears game, so we grabbed seats at a rail in the alley and hung out watching football.

After a couple beers, we got some Appleton in to-go cups from the bar, and headed back to the hotel to sit on the patio for a bit before heading to bed.

Friday morning, sadly, it was time to leave Key West. We had the identical breakfast by the pool again, and then went to check out of the hotel and load up the car. Matt’s dad was driving this time, so that I could stare out the window at the Keys. We didn’t stop until we reached Islamorada, where we’d decided on a place called Shula Burger at the Postcard Inn, because they had a veggie burger on the menu.

The menu, however, did not have a veggie burger, or anything vegetarian at all. Our server explained that they were rebranding. OF COURSE. I ordered a crappy taco salad without the meat, and I was glad they at least had good beer. (Cigar City Helles is great, by the way.)

Matt took over driving, and we headed back up to Key Largo, where we had to stop at Shell World, the giant craft market with the huge lobster out front:

The shops were indeed as touristy as expected, but there was a bunch of cute stuff, too. I finally fulfilled my desire to own one of those colorful glass floats wrapped in rope, too. I can’t help loving cheesy nautical decor.

From there, we went to find the African Queen. There are about 50 signs for it, so it’s easy to find. The dock is next to the Holiday Inn.

I hadn’t seen the movie at that point, so it was definitely not what I expected. They still take people out on this! Having now seen the movie, I know that the boat is in far better shape at this point.

We snuck through the back yard at the Holiday Inn and went to use their restrooms (their pool complex looked really appealing, too), and then hopped back in the car. We made a quick stop at a nearby liquor store to pick up souvenir rum, the same one we’d tried at Rum Bar:

We also picked up beers for the room, and Matt discovered you can buy Cuba Libres in a can!

Then it was time to head back to the mainland. Traffic was pretty light again, and we made it to the Westin right on I-95 in Fort Lauderdale around 5ish. We checked in, and had adjoining rooms again. Matt’s parents got out their brandy, and we opened some beers and started looking on our phones for a place to have dinner. Based on reviews, we decided on a place called Tap 42, about 10 miles away. Then we set to tearing apart our suitcases and repacking them so that our souvenirs would stay intact on our flight.

Matt’s parents had brought their own bottle of E&J Brandy, the only brand Judy likes. Based on their previous experiences in Florida and Alabama, it was hard to come by, so they were prepared. What we’d learned on the trip, though, was that apparently E&J is now distributed in Florida, so that was even the rail brandy at most places we visited. Consequently, they had a whole bunch left and wanted to use it up before we left. Nothing like having a whole bunch of brandy foisted on you early in the evening, before you’ve had dinner.

We eventually headed to the restaurant and parked. We walked around the back to the entrance, and discovered that the place was PACKED. The restaurant itself is pretty small, and apparently it’s really popular with the douchebaggy crowd, because that’s who was on the patio. (Everyone was really dressed up, too, which was strange.) We asked at the desk how long the wait would be, and they said probably 45 minutes. We decided to stay anyway, because it’s not like there were other spectacular options in the area. We worked our way up to the bar where we could find a standing spot, and ordered drinks. Their cocktail menu was really impressive, so Matt and I were happy; the Farmers Market featured bourbon, sage, mango, lemon, and spicy bitters.)

We were only there for 15 or 20 minutes before our buzzer went off, so that was a nice surprise. They seated us at a long high-top table, and handed us menus. I was immediately thrilled with our decision to stay there, because the vegetarian offerings were spectacular. We ordered the vegan ‘ceviche’, which had fresh lychee, pineapple, and avocado in coconut milk, bruschetta with cheese and dates, and then I got a veggie burger with horseradish. That ended up being so big that I had to take it off the bun to eat it. Everything was great, and it made up for the crappy vegetarian food in Key West. (Our server explained that the owner is vegan, so it was important to him to have those options on the menu.)

From there, we headed back to Mai Kai for a victory lap. The place was way more crowded this time around, and the bar was packed. We were able to get a table in the back where it was quieter, though. I had a zombie, which of course was delicious. We unfortunately couldn’t stay very long, but managed to get in a couple rounds before the in-laws were ready to go. On the way out, we asked the guy we’d spoken to on our first visit about the shrunken head, and he said he’d take us there. He headed off through the restaurant, and for the first time ever, we realized just how gigantic that place is. (We’d only ever been to the bar in front, the bathrooms, and the souvenir shop.) There’s a huge room with a stage for the luau – which was going on as we passed through – and then several other rooms decorated in various island themes. And, you know, the rainforest that Harlan ended up in the first time around. We finally made it to the shrunken head room, and he pointed it out to us in a case on the wall. There was a big table of people eating in front of it, so it was kind of awkward. But dammit, we got to see the shrunken head, and it was as creepy as expected.

We went back to the hotel and stopped into the bar to pick up manhattans to take up to the rooms with us. A very drunk lady at the bar commented quietly (she thought) to her man-friend about why people would want to drink something like that when they were in Miami. I wanted to tell her that we’d spent the last week drinking all of the rum in the world, so it was time for a change.

We hung out in Matt’s parents room for a while watching baseball and helping with their brandy stash, and then went back to our room to finish packing and sleep.

Matt and I wisely took a day to recover after the wedding, and planned our pre-honeymoon to start on Monday instead. (For our actual honeymoon, we’re going to Europe in May.) My new in-laws dropped us off at the airport around noon, and we headed off to Atlanta. We landed a bit early, which was convenient since my sister had given us Delta Skyclub passes. Drink on their dime? Yes, please!

(Weird Skyclub fact: while they have free food there, you’re not allowed to bring it in from the outside. We had to eat our sammiches quickly before entering.)

The Skyclub was pretty fully of bored-looking business-people, but they had free drinks and clean bathrooms, and a table where we could sit and look out on the airport. We watched a baggage cart speed off too quickly, knocking a couple of suitcases onto the ground. They sat there ignored on the tarmac for way too long before someone picked them up and sent them to the baggage claim. Quality work as always, Delta.

We got on the next flight, and landed in Key West a little before 9pm. The airport was tiny, even smaller than most we’ve seen in the Caribbean. We waited a long time for our bags (which was confusing), then got a cab to our hotel, the Southernmost House.

The hotel was incredible. It’s a famous old mansion at the end of Duval Street, right down the block from the southernmost marker. Our room was on the second floor overlooking Duval, and we had a gigantic four-poster bed that was so tall we had to climb up on the rails to get in it. From the balcony, we could see the infinity pool looking out on the Atlantic Ocean. And it was open 24 hours!

We needed food badly, so we headed down Duval Street. There wasn’t much open after 10pm, but we managed to find a few places that were still serving food. We went into a cowboy-themed bar, sat down, and waited a long time before a server came over and gave us menus. That was the last we saw of any service after that, so we finally gave up and left. We crossed the street to Jack Flat’s, which had good service and sports on a million TVs. Perfect!

After dinner, we went directly to Sloppy Joe’s, Key West’s most famous bar. It was really crowded and we had a tiny table at the back, so we decided we’d finish those drinks and move on. While we were sitting there, we noticed a sign behind the bar saying that it was illegal to have open containers outdoors in Key West. That was total news to us, as we’d definitely been walking around drinking the last time we were there (along with everyone else in Key West). Also, we noticed plenty of people carrying go cups out onto the street. Confusing.

We wanted to go to a bar called the Rum Barrel, but it was closed Mondays. We ended up across the street at a place called Island Dogs. They had good cocktails, so we hung out there for a bit. It was pretty quiet, though, so we decided to head back to Sloppy Joe’s to see the cover band instead. We got there around 1am, and hung out watching them for a while (they were from Philly, and played the 90s’ greatest rock hits). Then we decided it was a pretty excellent idea to go swim in our 24-hour pool, so we walked the mile back to our hotel, changed into bathing suits, and went to do that.

It was awesome. We swam, went and sat on the poolside edge and dipped our feet in the Atlantic (it was surprisingly warm in the middle of the night), and then swam again, for a while sans bathing suits. 24-hour pools are officially the greatest thing ever.

Here’s our hotel in the daytime! I made the mistake of opening the curtains before I was dressed, so it’s possible my butt ended up in several tourists’ photos.

 

We decided to do some walking and see the city, so we stopped at the corner to wait in line for a photo of the southernmost marker, then headed up Whitehead Street toward Mallory Square.

We found Kelly’s Caribbean Bar and Grill along the way, so we stopped for brunch. We got a table in the courtyard, a couple of beers, and food. As we were finishing our meal, it started to rain a little. We were sitting under a tree, though, so it wasn’t too bad. Then it started to rain more, and we decided maybe we should head for shelter. Right as we sat down at the bar, it started pouring like crazy, and kept doing so for a long time.

We didn’t mind hanging out at the bar too much. The bartender and our server were awesome, and they kept bringing us free things… extra key lime pie, and the chef’s fresh-made halvah.

When the rain started to let up, we headed down toward Mallory Square again. We got there just in time to see a cruise ship leaving, so we hung out and watched that for a while.

Then we did some shopping, which was partly spurred on by the on-and-off rain. I got a new purse, and Matt got a couple cigars.

We walked back up Duval Street, looking for a place to rent bikes. We found Sunshine Rentals just a few blocks up. The bikes were beat to hell and the seat on Matt’s wouldn’t stay clipped in place on the post, so you had to ride with it in the lowest position. We decided to trade, since I’m shorter.

We rode back to the hotel, put our bathing suits on, and rode our bikes down to Fort Zachary Taylor Beach. We quickly realized how perfect bikes are for transportation in Key West: there are barely any hills, and there are so many bikes and scooters around that the cars are pretty used to being careful around them. I preferred to avoid the major streets because I have such bad balance, but that was easy to accomplish too.

It was overcast at the beach, but still warm out. The beach was nowhere near as nice as those perfect Caribbean beaches we’ve been spoiled by, but that was fine. You just had to swim over some rocks to get to the sandy area.

We floated around for a while, watching a storm roll in over the ocean. It started raining a bit, so obviously the right thing to do was wait it out in the water. It wasn’t really raining hard enough to soak our stuff on the beach, and it had the added bonus of clearing a lot of the people out as well.

We got out of the water around five, and went to the building to dry off and change clothes. By that time it was done raining, too. We rode back to the hotel, showered off, and got on our bikes again to head to Mallory Square for the sunset celebration. We locked them up a block from the square, intending to leave them there for the night because I didn’t want to try to ride after drinking. We were a little nervous about that, but figured there were so many bikes around that they would be fine. Also, they were incredibly crappy bikes!

We went to Sunset Pier for a drink, then took them to go shortly before sunset, so we could see it without an island blocking our view. We went to the middle of Mallory Square, and found our new favorite buskers: it was an older couple playing banjo and castanets, and an old dog wearing purple boxer-briefs. He walked around the circle, taking dollars out of people’s hands and putting them in a bucket. PEOPLE MAKE MONEY THIS WAY!

 

After sunset, we went to have dinner at El Meson de Pepe. Being vegetarian at a Cuban restaurant is usually pretty tricky, but I did well there. The mojitos didn’t hurt, either. While we were sitting there, we noticed a little chicken hanging out under the tables. She was running around looking for food, totally oblivious to the people nearby. Then a cat showed up, and she just backed off a few feet. I really wanted to take her home in my carry-on.

We then went over to the Rum Barrel, and browsed their insanely extensive rum list. We ordered a flight, and sat there being amused by the guys from Wisconsin near us at the bar. While they had a great rum list, the bartender didn’t seem all that knowledgeable about it, so we decided to move on. There was another rum bar (called Rum Bar, conveniently) at the other end of Duval near our hotel, so we headed that direction.

Rum Bar is located in the front of a hotel in an old house. It was very small, but there were only a few people in there hanging out. We got seats and started eyeing the massive collection of rums they had. The bartender set us up with a flight, made up of things we picked based on not having seen them before, and his recommendations. It was pretty amazing.

We hung out there for a while, talking to the other people at the bar, who positively insisted that our rental bikes were going to get stolen from Mallory Square. We still refused to believe that, because they were so very crappy. Plus there wasn’t much we could do about it at that point! When we finished our flight, I asked the bartender what his preferred cocktail was, and was overjoyed to learn it was an Old Fashioned. Even in the land of rum, people still like the classics.

Conveniently, it was only a couple-block walk from there to our hotel. It may have been the middle of the night again, but we were not going to miss a chance to swim in the infinity pool. Why they didn’t kick us out for doing cannonballs into the deep end at 2am, I will never understand.

In the morning, we unfortunately had to check out of the Southernmost House. (Had I known beforehand it was that great, we would’ve chosen to stay there the whole time. Next visit!) We rolled our suitcases the eight blocks or so to Azul Key West, which I’d picked because it was a little closer to the heart of things. Since we were early we had to leave the bags there, but that was fine. The guy working at the desk was super-friendly, and knew who we were when we arrived. We thanked him and headed to get some food.

Brunch meant an obligatory stop at Jimmy Buffett’s Margaritaville. We had to, because it’s a tradition. (That’s also the first Margaritaville I begrudgingly visited.) We also have a longstanding tradition of bringing home a souvenir shotglass, but we were both feeling the effects of the previous night to much to really want to do a shot. (We ended up buying one at the store afterwards.) They did have Kalik, the beer of the Bahamas, on the menu, so we got that instead. I was excited that Matt finally got to try it!

While we were there, we researched various options for sunset cruises in Key West. We called a couple places, and managed to find one that was available. We made reservations for that evening.

We did some shopping along Duval Street, working our way back down to Mallory Square. Rounding the corner to where our bikes were parked, we wondered if maybe they were actually stolen, as unlikely as it was. But no, they were sitting right there where we’d locked them up, in the same crappy condition as always. We threw our bags aboard and rode them back to the hotel, because it was time to check in.

The guy at the desk had already brought our bags up to the room, which was fantastic. We hung out there for a while, enjoying the air conditioning; it was ungodly humid in Key West right then, and brutal in the sun. I dozed off for a while, and my short nap was very effective at getting me back to 100%. I was ready for some history! We hopped on our bikes and rode over to see the Hemingway House.

We knew about the polydactyl cats there, but didn’t realize to what extent they had the run of the house. They were great, and couldn’t have cared less about the people paying attention to them. They were used to being tourist attractions.

 

I loved the Hemingway house, even though of course there was no air conditioning and we were sweating through our clothes.

My favorite thing was his studio. It was exactly what you’d expect from Ernest Hemingway.

His pool wasn’t bad, either!

We crammed in the gift shop with all the other visitors, and picked out some souvenirs. I’m pretty sure it was that crowded just because it was the only place with air conditioning.

From there, we rode over to Hemingway’s original Key West hangout: the former home of Sloppy Joe’s (which is now half a block away), Captain Tony’s. Captain Tony was a local character in his own right.

The place was absolutely covered in mementos from people who had visited, and they were aged to the point that you couldn’t tell if there had actually been a fire in there, or it was just years of cigarette smoke. All the chairs were painted with the names of famous people who’d sat there, too.

(I probably don’t need to mention the sheer joy of day drinking in a tropical climate, too.)

There was a really drunk group at the end of the bar trying to figure out what ‘vaya con dios’ meant. We laughed to ourselves about it for a while, and then I told them because I couldn’t take it anymore. They staggered out of the bar, and shortly after that a big group of bros from Jersey piled in. They were even more drunk, celebrating one of the guys’ birthday. (They were kind of a confusing group, too. They ranged in age from questionably-21 to 50ish.) They insisted on tequila shots and a lot of yelling, so we decided it was time to move on. Plus we were hungry!

We crossed the street to Amigos Tortilla Bar, where we both got tacos and beer. From there, we could still hear the bros yelling from across the street. Holy crap. The tacos were awesome, too!

From there, it was time to head up to the dock for our sunset cruise! We got our bikes and rode up to Schooner Wharf. I was very proud of myself for riding with a beer in my bike basket.

We checked in, and the guy at the desk gave us coupons for 2-for-1 drinks at the bar, so of course we had to take advantage of that. I had a Cuba Libre, and Matt got to have his second Kalik of the day. He was very sad about it, obviously:

Once we finished, it was time to board the Schooner Western Union. As we waited in line, they announced that the bar was open right away, so we all headed there for beer. We took a seat, listened to their safety instructions and description of our trip, and then we headed out of the harbor.

The ship was amazing. It was apparently used by Western Union to lay cable as late as the 1970s.

Once we were out of the harbor, we got to help raise the sails! It was way harder than I expected. Not because of the effort, but the speed with which the rope flies through your hands.

In addition to our awesome captain, Len, there was a hammered dulcimer player named Gary. He played sea shanties and told stories about the ship’s history. Seriously, we were dying of awesome.

We sailed past Mallory Square, where a crowd was starting to form for sunset. They took us past the cruise docks, and we saw the beach we’d been at the previous day. Once we got out into open ocean, they told us they were going to fire a cannon, and even picked out a catamaran to fire it at. It was a tiny cannon, but it was incredibly loud.

And then, after firing the cannon, there was a HOMING PIGEON. Gary brought out a basket and said he was going to release the bird, so we should have our cameras ready since he’d fly away quickly. He opened the basket, and the bird’s head popped out, looking around. Then he hopped up onto the edge of the basket, and just sat there. Gary was kind of embarrassed after the bird hung out for a few minutes, but it meant we all got a bunch of pictures. He finally took off, circled a few times, and headed back toward Key West.

The ship turned to head back toward the harbor, and Matt and I got ourselves some champagne for a toast. Just like the night we got engaged in Maui!!

 

And then it was sunset time. I think if I lived in Key West, I’d have to go watch it every night. I don’t know how that could ever get old.

On the way back, they explained the presence of the gigantic ship lurking nearby: it was the Discovery channel crew filming for Shark Week! They have a bunch of smaller boats that go out to sea, and they’re lifted back up to the deck of the large ship at night.

 

By the time we got back to the pier, it was completely dark. We went back to Schooner Wharf for another drink, and to work out our evening strategy. (We were working from a list of the most historic/interesting bars in Key West, so getting to them all required some planning.) We got our bikes, and rode down to Duval Street to park them. We were about a block from the Hog’s Breath, so we decided to try that first.

We ordered food and a drink and hung out for a while, but the place was a little too quiet for our tastes (it’s Duval Street… you want it to be crazy). We decided to give the Green Parrot a try, as it was another old Hemingway favorite. The bar was unfortunately too full to sit at, but we got a table where we could overlook the scene. Their Cuba Libres were delicious, apparently:

And because you can’t possibly stay away from Sloppy Joe’s for too long, we ended up back there around 12:30. We hung out at the bar with some Sloppy Ritas, watching the same cover band from Philly. They were great.

And then it was time to take our bikes back to the hotel, which seemed like quite a feat. I decided to give it a try, and the worst case was that we’d just have to walk them. I made it within a few blocks at the hotel before tipping over, but we were stopping at an intersection, so no damage was done. So riding bikes drunk is definitely possible, but I also wouldn’t recommend it. Especially if you’re me and are prone to amazingly bad balance as it is!

We got up Thursday morning and rode our crappy bikes down to Duval Street for the last time. We turned them in at the rental shop, and went across the street to have brunch on the patio at Caroline’s. Brunch included mojitos, of course.

We walked down Duval Street doing some further shopping, planning to call for a cab to the airport shortly. I looked up the taxi number and called, but the lady on the other end couldn’t hear me (or pretended she couldn’t, because it was loud outside). I tried three times to no avail, so I started looking up alternate cab companies. I dialed three other phone numbers, and they all went to the same damn crabby lady. Finally, I got through to a different company and requested to be picked up nearby.

The cab arrived quickly, and we headed off to the private charter terminal at the airport. We went into the waiting area for the Island City Flying Service, and only had to wait a little bit before an entertaining Australian lady came to take us all to the check-in area. That part involved reviewing a map of the Dry Tortugas so we knew where to snorkel, getting our flippers, and each couple getting a cooler to hold our beer and pop. If only all flights could be that way.

We went outside to wait for the plane, which landed shortly afterwards. While we waited, we talked to the other people for a bit. There was a pair of surgeons from Brazil (via Philly), and a couple who lived on their yacht in Florida. The husband was retired from the military, and had also worked on the space shuttle launch pad at NASA. Holy crap.

There were only six of us going to Fort Jefferson that day. We’d intentionally picked the afternoon trip, knowing that the ferry from Key West would be leaving just as we arrived, which meant we’d practically have the island to ourselves.

 
We boarded the plane, which had 10 single seats on either side of an aisle. We got to wear really sexy headphones so we could hear the pilot, too.

 

 
The flight was 45 minutes long, and on the way we got to see two shipwrecks, some boats stashed by Cuban refugees, and a ton of sea turtles. I thought I saw a shark, too, but I couldn’t tell for sure. It was definitely big enough to be a shark.

 
The pilot pointed out a bunch of interesting features along the way, and then we listening to a recording about the history of Fort Jefferson and the Dry Tortugas. (They were originally called the Tortugas, and ‘Dry’ was added to denote the lack of fresh water.)

 
As we neared the island, I knew that the seaplane was the absolute correct choice for the trip. We wouldn’t have had anywhere near the view from the ferry.

 
Speaking of the ferry, we saw it just leaving the dock as we arrived. Our pilot buzzed it on the way in.

 
I expected the landing to be bumpy, but it was actually smoother than on a regular runway! (The only other time I’ve been on a seaplane, I think I was eight. We landed on the river in downtown St Paul, which definitely doesn’t seem legal at all.)

 
We parked right on the beach in front of Fort Jefferson. The pilot told us we could just leave our stuff laying around, because we were the only people there except for the park ranger, a couple people staying at the campground, and the few people whose boat was docked there. There were at most 15 people on the entire island. That’s amazing.

 
Matt and I went to go tour the fort first. Rather than wait for the official tour, we just wandered around ourselves. It was insanely hot and humid there, seemingly even moreso than in Key West

 
We climbed up to the roof of the fort to take photos. From there, we could see jellyfish swimming in the moat. And not like the jellyfish I was familiar with seeing on Florida beaches… they were big pink or purple things, some of them over a foot across. We were maybe a little nervous about running into them. (Especially since the yacht-living couple had told us in detail how they treat jellyfish stings, and of course we were completely unprepared for that.)

 

 
After completing our quick tour of the fort, we went to take a look at the rest of the (very tiny) island. We saw the camping area, which made us really want to do that someday (until the pilot later told us that they were really rough conditions: not even because of the lack of water and the smell of the composting toilets, but because it rarely got below the mid-80s and extremely high humidity at night). We checked out the beach on one end of the fort, and saw the Brazilian couple hanging out there. On the walk back, we encountered the Florida couple heading that direction with their snorkel gear. Which meant that the beach on the other side of the fort belonged to us alone.

 
I was really, really nervous about being able to see jellyfish, but after swimming around and not encountering any of them for a while, I relaxed a little. We did some snorkeling, and I discovered that my underwater camera case didn’t work so well with my new, much-smaller camera!

 
We got out the beer from the cooler, and sat waist-deep in the water on our own private beach. I’ve had some really good days, but that one had to be in my top ten.

 
After a while, it was time to head back to the seaplane. We went and changed clothes on the dock (it’s really hard to do that when you can’t rinse off the salt water, by the way), then met up with our group at the plane. The Florida couple had picked up a couple of live conch to show us!

 
We climbed back in the plane and took the same seats so that we could see what we missed on the way there. I got to see the wreck of the Arbutus this time. The ship’s mast still sticks up above the water.

 
I also saw the only private island in the Florida Keys. Those people’s lives must be rough.

 
As we arrived back in Key West, the pilot pointed out a Cuban Airlines plane that has been parked at the Key West airport for years, because the pilots landed on the runway and ran away to defect. They didn’t know what to do with the plane, so it’s been sitting there ever since. Awesome.

 
Back at the airport, Matt and I walked over to the main terminal to the car rental counter and picked up our car. We drove to the hotel, picked up our parking pass, showered, and then headed down to park near Mallory Square for our last Key West sunset. SIGH.

 

Again, we got a table at Sunset Pier and ordered food and drinks. I decided it was time to order my drink in a coconut, since I’d been wanting one the whole time we had been there. Having a car made it way more convenient; I didn’t want to have to lock up my monkey on a bike!

 
Since we didn’t want to have to deal with leaving our car somewhere overnight, we took it back to the hotel and parked it in the tiny maze that was the Azul courtyard. We then headed off on foot to the Orchid Key Inn, which was recommended as a good cocktail bar. We found the tiny bar around back. It had only 8 seats, and was full of mostly-local people well into their drinking that evening (it was only 9:30pm). They were hilarious, though, and everyone there was having a great time. We tried ordering a couple specialties and the bartender wasn’t familiar with them, so we went with his flavored martini creations instead (they were actually really good, especially the French 75 made with St Germain). More people came in after a while, and we were convinced they were swingers. After a couple of drinks, we said goodbye to everyone and headed up Duval Street.

We decided on Bobalu’s, a very Caribbean-looking bar that we’d noticed the first night we were there. They had an entertaining cover band, a gaggle of bachelorette-partying girls, and very delicious pizza. Which got knocked off the bar halfway through, and they totally replaced for us (like, half the pizza… I think the kitchen staff had a snack). We hung out there for a while, and then it was time to head back to the hotel and prepare to leave Key West. Again, SIGH.

Friday morning, we got up and checked out of Azul Key West. We made a quick stop for Cuban coffee near the marina, then headed up the Keys toward Miami. It’s a drive I’ve always wanted to make.

It really didn’t take anywhere near as long as I expected, nor was the traffic that bad. As expected, Key West was the most touristy, and definitely most Caribbean. The others seemed more laid back, and much smaller towns. I liked Islamorada the best.

We decided to stop at Shell World in Key Largo. That was a good decision as far as souvenirs went! We spent a very long time there, and Bally hung out in a shark’s mouth:

Our progress slowed quite a bit as we left the southern Everglades area and approached the outskirts of Miami. We ended up stuck in non-highway traffic for what seemed like forever. I spent the time looking up places to stop on my phone while Matt drove: we were in search of a liquor store, to pick up some of the local specialties, and then dinner and drinks.

We finally arrived at a liquor store, and were the only non-Spanish-speakers there. They had a great selection, and really cheap prices, so we were very excited. From there, we made our way slowly to the freeway, and headed north to Fort Lauderdale. What we’d discovered in my very long time spent on Google was that there was an authentic old tiki bar up that way. It looked like it had the potential to rival Don the Beachcomber in California.

Oh, and it did. We instantly fell in love with Mai Kai. They had oldschool tiki drinks, female servers in bikinis and miniskirts (seriously!), and a rockabilly band was setting up behind us.

We stuck around to watch the band for a while, then hit the gift shop for a tiki mug and headed out. We drove back to Miami, then across to South Beach. It was getting on toward Miami dinnertime (i.e. 8pm), so it was insane in the area, but luckily our hotel was nearby. We had no idea where to park, though, so we called and they said we had to use the valet. At least that part was easy.

We checked into the Bentley South Beach, which was right across from the giant beachfront. Our room was spectacular, so we were sad we were staying for so short a time. We hung out on the balcony for a while smoking cigars and drinking beer, then decided to go experience the insane nightlife there. (I’d told Matt that everyone in South Beach was gorgeous, and they all went to clubs til 4am. We didn’t want to see the clubs or hang out with those people so much as gawk at them on the street.)

Once we were out walking up the beach, I was really glad I’d put a dress on. Otherwise I would have been the only woman out there in capris and a t-shirt.

We had a couple spots on our list that were recommended as good cocktail bars, so we walked up toward the first one. It was a long way, so when we got there and were turned away by the doorman (because 1) they didn’t open til later and 2) Matt was wearing shorts), we were pretty crabby about it. All we wanted was a place to hang out with halfway decent drinks, and far less of the South Beach scene. We knew that would be hard to come by.

We walked past a sushi place called Kung Fu Kitchen that had outside tables and looked pretty-low key, so we decided to go there for dinner. The service was iffy and the crowd got progressively douchier, but they had great food and pretty decent cocktails, too. Restored, we decided to press on in search of the elusive good bar.

Because Matt had done some research ahead of time, he recognized the name of one of them we passed. Because it was listed as a glorious dive, I hadn’t expected Mac’s Club Deuce to be in South Beach (I assumed Miami proper). But there it was, and it was indeed the bar we were looking for. There was most definitely not much in the way of South Beach scene there, just a lot of really drunk people and strong drinks.

The very drunk bartender (who was awesome) told us all about the joys of riding a horse on the beach in the Caribbean in great detail. Then a guy who I’d seen propping up the bar when we came in came over to talk, and seemed mostly normal for a while. Then we learned that he was gay, Jewish, and a hardcore republican, which really didn’t seem to fit well with the gay thing. He started telling Matt that according to his beliefs, people who modify their bodies are going to hell, because that’s the worst thing you can do to yourself. Matt humored his drunk ass for a long time, then left to go to the bathroom and escape him for a while. I ended up sitting next to him, and he started telling me the same thing. I was pretty amused by it… here was probably the most self-hating man in America telling me I was going to hell for having tattoos. He wasn’t even being a jerk about it, he was very matter of fact. I told him that was fine, because I happened to believe he was entirely wrong. After way too much of that conversation, though, we decided it was time to head elsewhere.

We went back over to Ocean Drive along the beachfront, wanting to stop in somewhere and sit at the bar. The first place we tried had a cover, so we went a couple doors down instead. It was there that we discovered, sometime after two in the morning, that you can get to-go cups in Miami. And this place didn’t just have to-go cups, they had to-do VATS. It was incredible.

We took our vats and walked down to the beach, where we sat in the sand for a long time. After realizing it was really dark and really late, we took off all our clothes and went for a swim. When we got back to the hotel afterwards, I was wearing my dress inside out (with the pockets sticking out from the sides), and we’d lost our underwear in the ocean.

In short, Miami is awesome.

Cruises are the only time I’m happy to see the sun rise.

key west

We had breakfast on the deck, and I got to have gruel for the first of, well, six other times. We hopped off the boat and piled into the Bone Island Shuttle (*snort*). I think we were the only people in a good mood; there were some severely crabby old ladies on there with us. How can you be mad about being in a warm place in January?

The shuttle dropped us off in Mallory Square, which is the ultratacky part of town where the main cruise dock is located. It was only 8am on a Sunday, so little was open. This was fine with us, because we intended to do all of our sightseeing first thing, and then explore the local scene. By which we meant the bars. Key West is well-known for that particular industry.

We headed off down Whitehead Street, which parallels Duval.

the mile zero marker on US route 1. matt’s making fun of parrotheads.

‘
the kapok tree

COCK

There are wild chickens all over Key West (as well as cats; feel free to make the same jokes we did), so you hear roosters crowing constantly. I love that.

bahama village: it definitely looks like the bahamas.

hemingway house (we didn’t want to pay admission!)

i want to live here.

wendy, blending

At the end of Whitehead Street, you come to the marker denoting the southernmost point in the continental United States. From there, it’s 90 miles to Cuba. I just needed to see it because I’ve been to the actual southermost point in the U.S., on the Big Island of Hawaii.

southermost is a big deal in key west, apparently.

We walked back down Duval Street, and businesses were starting to think about opening. We stopped into a convenience store for water, because it was kind of ridiculously hot already. I was regretting my decision to wear a long-sleeved shirt that day, having assumed it’d be the least-warm stop we’d make on the cruise. It was in the mid-80s, but sunny and humid.

We also stopped for iced coffee at Dunkin’ Donuts (an establishment we sadly cannot enjoy in Minneapolis; the nearest are in Chicago), and Matt and Wendy posed by their ‘family tree’. I’d explain, but it’s a long story. Also, Wendy has a hard time trying to look badass, and just starts laughing.

We walked all the way back down to Mallory Square, scouting the places we wanted to visit later. We passed Sunset Pier, where the bartender appeared to be setting up, and asked when they opened. She said they were serving food already, but that they weren’t allowed to pour liquor in Key West until noon on Sundays. We told her we’d be back.

We sat on the pier watching the pelicans and sailboats for a while, and I called my mom to tell her she shouldn’t panic over not hearing from me for another week, because we’d be out of the U.S.. We then went over to the Sponge Market to stock up on all the necessary souvenirs, including my obligatory Christmas ornament, in the shape of the southernmost point marker.

On the way back to the oceanfront, we wandered through a garden full of statues, and Wendy and Matt had to have Superbad moments. BOOP!

matt and hemingway

disney ship: we quickly learned that local businesses hate disney passengers. duh.

At five minutes to noon, we got ourselves a table at Sunset Pier. There were already several people waiting there for the bar to open.

We ordered brunch (by which I mean nachos), then drinks. Like every bar in that region, Sunset Pier claims it invented the Rum Runner. Their frozen beverages come with a test tube full of dark rum.

You know what’s awesome? Having a margarita at noon on a Sunday while overlooking the ocean.

After brunch, we headed back down Duval Street, where everything was officially open. We stopped into Fast Buck Freddie’s, where Matt got a pimptastic hat, then headed to the bar I never, ever wanted to set foot in: Margaritaville. But I had to, of course, because it was there, and it’s the original.

It wasn’t bad at all, except for the fact that it was full of families from the Disney ship having lunch while we were on our second cocktail of the afternoon. The bartender was fantastic. After that, it was time for lunch at Willie T’s!

you are here, this is paradise. so true.

The entirety of Willie T’s was outside, and they featured 39 flavors of mojitos. It was instantly my favorite place in the world. We ordered lunch, and hung out watching the Colts-Chargers game on the giant-screen TV. We also filled out our own dollar to post on the wall. We gave our founding father boobs.

When it was time to move on, they gave us to-go cups. I LOVE KEY WEST.

We walked down Duval toward our last destination, the most famous bar in Key West. I stood out front and finished my drink before we went inside, though I doubt they’d actually have cared.

I fell in love with our bartender instantly. She was the best. The house drink is the Sloppy Rita, which isn’t really distinguishable from a regular margarita. Also, I really like that the standard tequila in most places we went is Sauza. I hate Cuervo a lot.

With about half an hour left til the last shuttle to the boat, we headed out, again with to-go cups. We stopped at a little grocery to shop for amusing British foodstuffs like Lucozade, then circled Mallory Square again, looking at cocks. I mean, what?

The shuttle dropped us off about 15 minutes before the ship departed. We took showers and watched from our balcony as we left Key West. We’d have taken the usual post-island nap, but we had to do the muster drill first.

Promptly at 5pm, the alarms went off, and we all put on our life jackets and lined up at the muster station. Sadly, we were at a different station than Wendy, Cindi, and Jumi, so we were surrounded by antsy Germans. We stood there trying not to giggle about everything, listened to the safety announcement in 5 languages, and were finally freed from responsibility for the rest of vacation.

After everyone else had their meat locker time (i.e. when you go back to your cabin after returning from some bar at the port, and take a shower and nap til early evening), we met in Bar Casanova, intending to play bingo. It ended up costing $20/person, so we went to play cards instead. The cruise staff was dressed in clown outfits for some show that night, and one of them came up to talk to Matt about his Arsenal jersey. It turned out he was from London (and thereafter known as ‘Arsenal’, while we called his friend from Manchester ‘Man U’), and he told us about their most recent game. Another female clown came over and plastered herself against the window while he talked. When he left, Matt said, “I just got a score from a clown while another silver clown humped the window!”

We stayed there so late that even the buffet had shut down, except for the pizza station, so we had pizza and salads out on the back deck, after which we wandered around the upper decks of the ship, looking at the moon and stars and basically being really gay. Shut up.

We found what seemed to be the darkest part of the ship up front on deck 9, so we stayed there for a long time. A couple of ladies wandered by, drunk, and we ended up making friends with them, even though one of them told us all about her boobs and the other was from California. (We named them Droopy and Shingles.) We decided to all go to the bar together; the ladies were kind of annoying, but there seemed to be no shaking them at that point. My favorite moment was when I was pondering the drink menu and Shingles yelled, “Have you had an orgasm??” Well, yes! Thanks for asking.

They told us all about how they’d met the performers for next evening’s show (Anthony and William), and how they were the cutest ever, blah blah blah. Wendy and I discussed this quietly at the bar, and when I asked her again who the guys were, she told me it was Carmelo Anthony and A.I.. We then invented the Melotini, which made absolute sense right at that moment:

• 1 part Kahlua
• 1 part Creme de Menthe
• 1 part Grey Goose
• optional float of Hpnotiq

Try it. You’ll love it.

We went down to the main lobby bar, but it was annoyingly crowded with art sale displays and loud people. We returned to Casanova, then went to Isolabella, the pimp bar on the 1st deck. There were a few more people there this time, thankfully, and the server remembered us. Wendy and I decided that Carmelo Anthony was arriving for his performance on a mini-submarine, so we sat there waiting for him. She tried texting him on her Blueberry, but to no avail. Stupid Melo.

We left after a while and went back to Casanova, where the band was playing Italian songs for a large, drunk group of Romans. Old guys kept hopping up on stage to sing ‘Arrivederci, Roma’. It was awesome. And then, Casanova was closing! We’d never seen that happen before! I’m pretty sure that means we won, and it definitely meant it was time for bed.