Matt and I took our third trip to Negril, joining our friends who visit there every year. We stayed up on the cliffs for the entire week, and only missed being on the beach a little.

(The entire photoset is here on Flickr.)

Read from the beginning below, or jump to each day:

• Fri 2/13: The Long Drive from Mobay
• Sat 2/14: Waking Up in a Stilt House, and a Valentine’s Surprise 
• Sun 2/15: Seven Mile Beach
• Mon 2/16: The Death March on the Cliffs
• Tue 2/17: Possibly the Laziest Day Possible
• Wed 2/18: Touring Negril
• Thu 2/19: The Man-Walk pon di Beach
• Fri 2/20: Stormy Seas
• Sat 2/21: Driving With Champion

We got up very early Friday morning and drove over to Matt’s work. Since it was painfully cold outside, he dropped me off at the Park N Go building and went to park the car in the ramp. I went in to get us a couple spots on an outgoing shuttle (his work has an arrangement with Park N Go that lets us ride their shuttles for free, which is awesome), and it picked us up and headed to the airport.

The line for the bag drop at US Air was terrible, and I was worried we’d have to go through regular security since our Precheck numbers weren’t on our boarding passes. The desk agent was able to sort that out and reprint them, but then we discovered that the line at Precheck was super-long, too. We stopped to get coffee, and arrived at the gate to find the flight in the middle of boarding. We got on and headed to our very own two-seat exit row, which was very convenient.

We knew that Kris and Orsi and their kids were there somewhere, too, but we didn’t see them on the flight. They boarded a while later, and apparently we’d totally missed them waiting at the gate.

We landed in Charlotte a couple hours later, and met at the brewpub by our gate. Kris gave us the Jamaican cash he’d picked up for us at the bank. It sure looked like a lot of money. (This is $400 US.)

We had snacks and beer and then boarded the next flight to Montego Bay. Matt and I had another 2-seat row, this time with a chatty flight attendant in the jump seat.

We landed in Mobay a little late, customs forms in hand. There was one lady standing in the hallway checking every single customs form, which led to a huge messy crowd of people from the flight standing around. Once we got past her, we went to stand in the always-long customs and immigration lines. At least it wasn’t quite as hot in there as usual, and since I was carrying flipflops in my bag I was able to change to something not quite as warm.

We eventually made it through passport control, then stood in another long line for customs. Finally, we were in Jamaica. We found Kris and Orsi hanging out with the bags. We picked up snacks and a bunch of Red Stripes and Dragon Stout for the road, and found our driver waiting for us. (Their friends in Negril had arranged a driver for us, for only $20/person. That was awesome.) We piled in the van and were on our way.

Well, sort of. Traffic was godawful in Mobay, partly due to a cruise ship in port. It took us close to an hour to get out of town.

I did get to see this giant sugarcane truck along the way, though. Future rum! I hope it was going to Appleton.

The kids were bored on the long ride, and food only occupied them for a while. We finished all our beers halfway through the trip, too. We had to stop to use the bathroom and resupply our beverages, the drive was taking so long.

Our flight had landed just after noon, but we didn’t make it to Negril until sunset. It’s usually a 90-minute drive!

We arrived at Samsara, and checked into our rooms. The guy at the front desk told me and Matt that we’d be staying in one room for a night, and then transferring to our actual room for a week, and we were fine with that. We didn’t realize until the porter started leading us there that our single-night room was one of their awesome stilt houses overlooking the ocean!! I’d wanted to stay in one of those, so we were thrilled at the opportunity.

The room was fairly small, taken up almost entirely by the king-size bed and giant wardrobe, but it was great. The wind was blowing like crazy, so it didn’t matter that there wasn’t an air conditioner. (The overhead fan helped, too.) There was a bathroom with a sink and toilet on the same level as the room, but the shower was downstairs. There was also a decent-sized balcony from which you could see the ocean and the entire hotel property. (Not well since it was nighttime, but still.)

Once we were settled in, we met up with Kris and Orsi and headed down the road to No Limit, our bar-away-from-home. It was so great to be back.

They ordered food from Tony, who had a huge grill set up in the parking lot outside. He didn’t have any rice and peas left, so Orsi and I walked down to Pablo’s to get a carry-out order. It wasn’t the best thing I’d ever eaten, but as I’d learned on previous visits to Jamaica, vegetarians can’t be picky there.

No Limit had cricket on TV, so Matt and Kris decided to teach the kids how to play. They used a broken mop handle as a bat, and plastic cups from the bar as the ball. It seemed to work OK for them.

After hanging around there for a couple hours and greeting all the regulars, we headed back to the hotel. It was really clear out, so we went and sat on a low wall by the ocean, as far away as possible from the lights. We spent a long time picking out constellations, and then it was time to head to bed in our stilt house.

The ocean was pretty rough due to wind, and I woke up halfway through the night thinking I was going to freeze to death. I had to get up and close the windows, even. Who knew you could be cold in Jamaica?

In the morning, we agreed that our stilt house was indeed awesome. I felt like not having A/C in there would be fine no matter what the weather was like. It was noisy in the wind, but that’s always the case along the ocean. Look how cute this place is!!

From the balcony, you can see both pools. That’s Seven Mile Beach in the distance, too.

The sea was pretty rough that day, splashing up over the cliffs. It was gorgeous outside, though. Jamaica makes it easy to forget that it’s winter in Minnesota.

I was beyond thrilled with the shower, too. It’s basically outside. I’m glad they supplied robes, too, so I didn’t have to get dressed to go down there.

Sadly, we had to leave our awesome stilt house that day. We carried the bags downstairs and left them at the front desk while we went to get breakfast.

Here’s the section of road we end up walking along 5,000 times in Negril. It’s the route between our hotel, Lance’s convenience store, and No Limit (in the center of the photo). There are a few other shops and restaurants along the way, too.

We walked down to Jenny’s Cakes for breakfast. The kids had slices of cake, and the adults had the typical Jamaican breakfast of saltfish and ackee, festival, callalloo, and boiled bananas (I had a callalloo sandwich). They have a great little patio, and the restaurant/bar is country-western themed, for some strange reason.

On the way back, we stopped into Peewee’s, across the street from No Limit, and checked out the ocean. It was still really windy, and Peewee’s had a tarp around its giant tiki hut bar.

That castle down the way is fascinating. I want to see inside.

We went back to the hotel and went to hang out at the pool for a few hours. We alternated between the big pool, which had a giant floating ring with a Sandals logo on it and cupholders, and the wading pool where we’d mostly sit on the edge and drink beers while the kids played.

Later on, we took a cab to the Canoe Bar for happy hour (where we had two-for-one Dirty Bananas), and then went to have a late lunch around 4pm at the German Bar (which is past the castle along the road). I hadn’t been there before, but instantly liked it. It’s decorated with shells and coral, has a huge thatched roof, and they serve really excellent rectangular pizzas (in addition to traditional German food).

After lunch, we walked back and hung out on the patio at the hotel. Once our room was ready, we rolled our bags down there and got settled in. We had an air-conditioned room this time, with a patio that overlooked the pool and hot tub. It was much bigger than the stilt house, but I think I’d still have rather been there.

We dropped the kids off with Nav and Byron, their babysitters for the evening. It was Valentine’s Day, and Matt and Kris had big plans for us. Apart from the fact that we were going to Pushcart for dinner, Orsi and I had no idea what was in store. We sat on the patio watching the sunset while they got ready.

And then there was this.

Kris’ mom is a seamstress, and had made their outfits by hand. Matt didn’t even know what he was getting; Kris had just demanded his measurements and told him he’d take care of it. They were a hit at the hotel bar.

We took a cab down to Pushcart, and were seated at the bar for dinner. The servers and bartenders couldn’t stop laughing about their outfits. Some tourist ladies came up and congratulated Orsi and I on getting our husbands to dress up like that; we told them that was all their doing, not ours!

Dinner at Pushcart was as good as it was on our first visit. I had ackee patties and the bushman stew, which was vegan (and way too filling to even eat half of). Matt had pepper shrimp soup, jerk skewers, and braised oxtail. The cocktails were great, too. Before we left, the dudes had to go get their picture taken with Gregory Isaacs. I think it turned out pretty well:

We took a cab back to No Limit and collected the kids. Matt and Kris and I walked over to Peewee’s for a rum punch. They got a long talking-to about the difference between bussin’ and boastin’, and god knows what else that was somehow related to their outfits. The dress-up bit seemed to make a lot of Jamaicans really profoundly uncomfortable, as if it might mean they were gay. (It’s an incredibly homophobic country, which is probably the biggest downside to Jamaica.) It was pretty hilarious.

We got up the next morning and met at the entrance to the hotel to get the shuttle to the beach. The bus was packed, so Matt and I got to ride up front with the driver. It was cozy, to say the least. He dropped us off at Legends (Samsara’s sister property), and told us he’d be back to pick us up at 4pm.

We went out and got a couple beach chairs and hung out for a while. This was the view from our chairs: a bunch of Canadians laying around.

After a while, we went to get beers at the bar and then Matt, Kris and I went to wander. Here’s the lobster pizza place, in case anyone wanted a very questionable lunch. (It’s next door to Legends, so we talk about it all the time.)

Then there was Yellow Bird, one of our favorite places. It’s the perfect little thatch-roofed beach hut.

And they have dirty bananas, an important Jamaica tradition.

23/7 still hasn’t been rebuilt. There’s a new ‘no trespassing’ sign there, and no sign of anything new going in. I really wish someone would buy it.

Just as we’d hoped, there were signs up for Money Cologne’s birthday party. (His birthday is the same day as Matt’s, as we’d learned two visits prior.) Tarrus Riley was the biggest show happening while we were there, so we decided we’d need to go to that. Plus Roots Bamboo is awesome.

We’d hoped to find patties or something lunch-like to bring back to Orsi and the kids at Legends, but Kris didn’t find anything he wanted. We decided to walk back and go have lunch at Bourbon Beach instead. On the way back, I met a local named Duane who told me I should definitely come find him while I was out on my ‘lady walk’ later, and didn’t have my husband around. I went back and told Orsi all about it.

We grabbed a big table inside the building and ordered food. I had veggie tacos, and they all got giant piles of meat from the jerk hut. Our server overheard us talking about going to Floyd’s Pelican Bar later in the week, and mentioned that he was her cousin. She said she’d try to get a hold of him for us to find out if they had anything vegetarian there.

On the way back to Legends, we ran into Jomo, one of Kris and Orsi’s friends from the cliffs (he lives across the street from No Limit). He came with us to wander on the beach again.

We stopped into Roots Bamboo for a drink, and to sit around talking. Bally came out to say hi.

Matt and I mentioned that we wanted to go find the bar up the beach that looked like a boat, because we’d walked past it a few times late at night, and had always wanted to go there. When we’d gone by before, though, it was either packed or looked like it was closed. Jomo said he knew of the boat bar, so we headed further up the beach in that direction.

What he took us to was indeed called the Boat Bar, and it was definitely a boat. But the place we were picturing was wooden, whereas this was all tile/stone and not visible from the direction we would have been walking. But he insisted it was the only boat bar, and we couldn’t argue that it was great regardless. Their signature drink was something called a Steel Bottom, but we decided to wait til next time to have one. It was a long day of beer and rum already.

Matt and Kris went to go sit at the beach with the kids, so Orsi and I went to wander back to Yellow Bird on our lady walk. We did indeed run into Duane on the way, but he was less persistent this time, thankfully.

The kids were playing in the pool when we got back, and the sun was getting low. The beach shuttle had long since left, so we decided to have dinner on the beach before heading back to the cliffs. Matt and I had had an excellent meal at Kuyaba before, so we decided to go there again. They gave us a table on the patio with a good view for sunset.

Our meal was great, and so was sunset.

We went to watch the birds, Charlie and Buddy, doing their tricks before being put to bed, and then we went to get a cab at Legends. We rode back up to No Limit, where we spent the rest of the night playing Jenga and drinking white rum, which is always a terrible decision.

Monday morning, we got a cab to Just Natural. We’d eaten there on our previous trip and had wanted to go back, because it’s incredible.

It’s set back a couple of ‘blocks’ (such as they are in Negril) from the cliffs, so it’s warmer up there. They have a big piece of land with the restaurant at the front and a jungle behind. There are paths all over to little dining areas, a bar, and a playground for the kids. They have fruit trees growing everywhere.

One of my favorite parts of the whole experience is the bathrooms. They’re outdoor and almost entirely handmade, including the urinal.

This would not fly in America. I love it.

Szof and I played checkers while waiting for our food.

Look at this Jamaican breakfast. Seriously, AMAZING.

After eating and buying a bunch of hot sauce to take a long, we decided to walk back. It’s a long way from there to the hotel and it was hot, but we had nothing but time.

There were yard goats along the way. I love them.

We stopped into a bakery to buy stuff to take along, and got bottles of water for the walk. It’s a lot quieter along the cliffs when you’re that far from the roundabout. There’s far less traffic and fewer taxis honking at you. There are pretty excellent views, too.

Also, there’s the Negril lighthouse!

It wasn’t open that day, but we were still able to climb part of the way up for pictures.

Bally found a cannon to hang out in, too. Everyone loves CannonBally.

Then we headed back out on the road again. We stopped after a bit at a little bar to pick up some beers, and admired their spectacular view.

Then we stopped into Ricks just to see it again. I wanted to show them the pool that has tables sitting in it, so you can have dinner with your feet in the water.

Then we headed out again. Our walk along the cliffs had become something of a death march at that point, because it was hot and we were tired. I think we finished the last mile in total silence.

Back at the hotel, my poolside bed called. I love this thing!

We hung out in the little pool drinking beer and talking, and then Matt and I went to go snorkel off the cliffs. The waves were a little rough so I was nervous about getting in the water, but it was fine. There’s a really good spot near the far end of Samsara where I found all manner of fish hanging out.

Then we went to sit and watch the kids jumping off the cliffs. A friend of Kris and Orsi’s had made him and Atti matching trunks in sort of a green Zubaz pattern. They were… something.

Szof has no fear. She jumped about a million times while we were there.

Kris’ jump was majestic.

We went to go shower and change, then came back out to get a table and watch the sunset. It was too hazy for a good sunset, but you can’t really complain about this:

A big group of people had shown up for what’s apparently become an important tradition: the naked cliff jump. As far as we could tell, they were primarily Canadian and mostly really extremely drunk. We saw a lot of man ass and Canadian flags while this was happening.

After sunset, we walked up to No Limit, and saw that all the Canadian cliff-jumpers were hanging out up there. Kris and Orsi headed back early, and Matt and I stuck around a little bit longer before walking back. We went to their room and saw that it was dark, so we hung out talking to their new next-door neighbors for a bit.

On the way back to our room we heard the kids yelling, and saw that they were all over on the cliff edge, lighting lanterns and sending them off over the ocean, so we stuck around watching that (which was awesome) before calling it an early night and heading to bed, where Matt stayed up watching the Westminster Dog Show on TV while I dozed off.

Tuesday we decided that since we’d had to have a death march the previous day, we’d just hang out and not do much. That seemed like an excellent plan, and the weather was perfect. (This photo looks menacing, but it was actually gorgeous out.)

We walked down the road to Sips and Bites for breakfast. Matt and I had never been there before. We ordered drinks, and then sat there waiting for a very long time. Finally a couple drinks arrived, but not all of them. I asked for water, and didn’t get it. I eventually ended up asking three times, but it never happened. We ordered breakfast, and then sat there FOREVER with no food. There were a few other tables there, including a table of local police, but it didn’t seem especially busy. There’s island-time slow everywhere you go in Jamaica, but this place won by a mile.

Finally, we got our food. I did not get water. We ate, and then waited forever for our check. We noticed that one of the cops got up and went next door to a shop to buy a bottle of water. That didn’t really reflect well on the place.

About six hours later, we paid our check and left. Matt and I went next door and bought water, because I thought I was going to die of dehydration at that point. (It was really hot out, too.) We walked back to the hotel, changed into our bathing suits, and went to hang out at the pool all day. I revisited my pal the poolside bed for a while, too. It’s the best.

In the afternoon, we went to sit at the bar and play Moby Dick. Since it’s the nerdiest game ever, Kris and Orsi took to it right away. We ended up arguing over sailor cards and giving them all nicknames. People would walk by and stare at our table, trying to figure out what the hell we could possibly be doing.

Later on, we went down to Canoe Bar for happy hour. Orsi and I took the kids down to the beach to play while Kris and Matt went to the store.

When they got back, we went up to the restaurant to get a table on the patio for dinner. On the way up there, we saw the cricket guy from the beach walking along the road (the story was that he’d had too much mushroom tea and gone crazy over the years; you can often find him playing his own personal game of cricket up and down Seven Mile Beach). He was strolling along, stark naked and carrying his shirt. Awesome.

Sunset was something.

After dinner, we walked up to No Limit for a while, then headed back to the hotel for another early night.

The next morning, we crossed the street to Pressa for breakfast. It was probably the closest restaurant to our hotel, and we hadn’t been there yet. The lady who ran the place was adorable, and insisted on showing us photos of her grandkids before we ate.

Immediately after breakfast, we found Popsie and hopped in his cab to Ragabones. It’s a bar/restaurant up in the hills of Negril (where it’s probably 20 degrees warmer all the time), and the place is so popular you have to get there early. They make a huge batch of jerk pork every day, but it’s usually gone by noon.

The last time we’d been there, it was quiet and we were able to hang out in the bar. This time, the place was packed with Canadians and people from the east coast, some of which were really loud and aggressive about their seating situation. That’s really strange for anyone in Jamaica, really. We got some Red Stripes (they keep them in the freezer, and when they advertise having the coldest beer around it’s not joke) and hung out outside while the dudes got packages of pork.

While we were waiting, a big tour van full of tourists drove up. The driver got out and said hi while helping the people out of the van. He said he’d called ahead to make sure his group would have lunch waiting. He went inside, and then came out fuming shortly afterwards, because apparently they’d sold out already. There’s some serious competition for that jerk pork, apparently.

Kris and Matt packed up their food for later, and we walked back down the hill toward town. On the way, we met a grazing goat on the side of the road.

Kris saw a tiny barbershop across the street, so he went in to get his beard trimmed.

We walked through town along the roundabout, and stopped at a fruit cart to pick up some more sustenance. I got a back of chopped-up pineapple, and carried it along.

We stopped at the Jerk Hut next, just past the roundabout going toward the cliffs. There we ordered some more food, including jerk chicken, rice and peas, and a giant order of festival (which was delicious). We hung out eating everything but the jerk pork from Ragabones. Right as we were finishing, it started pouring.

Luckily, Popsie was driving by, and stopped to pick us up. He dropped us back off at the hotel, and by then (only a few minutes later), the rain had passed. We hung out by the pool some more.

The sky always looks so menacing, even when it’s barely overcast. Dramatic pool shot!

The kids wanted to jump off the cliff, so we hung out watching them for a long time. The ocean was really calm.

As the sun started to set, the boat tours began passing by. Szof had made a friend who used to be a gymnast, so they developed elaborate cartwheeling jumps off the cliffs for the boats’ entertainment. It was great.

Sunset wasn’t bad, either!

We hadn’t seen many full sunsets because it has been a little overcast the whole time, but this one made up for it.

After dinner, everyone packed up their food and we went to No Limit. It was Ash Wednesday, which always means there’s a big show down at Bourbon Beach (it was called Hash Wednesday, which is hilarious). Matt and I had fully intended to go down to the Tarrus Riley show with everyone else (anytime you asked anyone, they said they were going), but the closer it got, the less we were inclined to go down to a show that probably wouldn’t start til after midnight. We were in bed by that time most nights, after all. The sun and the beer make you lazy, after all.

On the way to the bar, we stopped at a tiny little hut called Errol’s. Errol was a tiny old rasta, and his restaurant was a small kitchen and a platform with two two-seat tables on it. All his food was ital (rastas are vegan), so he put together a sampler for me. It was gigantic and I was dying of happiness over it. I wish I could eat this every day (well, in half the quantity). It had pumpkin rice, stew peas, ackee, callaloo, vegetables, and some kind of fake meat. So good.

It was quiet up on the cliffs because of the show, and only a few people were at No Limit. We took our food to a table, and they supplemented with stuff from Tony’s grill outside. We hung out there for a long time drinking beer and talking, and then it was time once again for bed.

I really have no idea how you manage to be sleepy after doing so little in Jamaica, but you do. And it’s awesome.

The next morning, Orsi said she was going to stay at the hotel with the kids, who wanted to swim in the pool. Kris decided he wanted to come with Matt and I down to the beach, so it was decided it would be their Man Walk. I was just along for… well, everything awesome about the beach.

We found Popsie, who drove us down to the far end before the megaresorts begin, and dropped us off at the Treehouse. Matt and I had never been down past Margaritaville, so it was awesome to see a new spot.

We got drinks at the bar and hung out looking at the beach for a while, then went up to their patio for another view. It was gorgeous outside, if really windy.

The Treehouse seemed to be a pretty laid-back property like Legends. I’d definitely consider staying there.

We decided to walk down the beach, so Kris led the way (walking waaaaay too fast for the beach). I followed behind at the appropriate strolling speed. We passed Margaritaville (they couldn’t be convinced to have a rasta shot), and stopped in at Tony’s instead.

As we walked up, Matt and I realized that Tony’s was probably actually the boat bar we were thinking of. It was nautical and wooden, and the view was right from the direction we were walking. We were very excited to find it.

The guy running the place was really funny, and most of the people sitting at the tiny bar looked like they’d been there all day, every day. The men got seats at the bar, and I preferred to sit on the low wall overlooking the beach. People had left their names all over the place, so Kris got us markers to leave messages ourselves. I took this picture to show Orsi how the Man Walk was proceeding:

Matt found a Twins’ Homer Hanky on the ceiling, so we left a pro-Gophers message right by it. It seemed appropriate.

The telephone ring man passed by, and I grabbed cash to get one. We’d run into him at least a few times before, and his rings are really awesome. He’s well-known on the beach, walking up and down yelling, “Ring! Ring! Telephone Rings!” He told me that kids collect the old telephone wires and bring them to him, and he teaches them to make jewelry. I only wanted one ring, but in typical Jamaican beach-consumer fashion, I ended up with five rings for $10 and a Red Stripe from the bar. Considering he initially wanted $15 for one ring, I feel like I did well. I brought the extra rings back to Orsi and the kids later on.

Then it was time to move again. Kris marched us down to the Boat Bar, because they were intent on having the house drink, known as the STEEL BOTTOM. They went to the bar and ordered, and the bartender laughed and said, “These guys want to make babies!” I realized then that the Steel Bottom was not going to be a drink for ladies (according to Jamaicans, and also my desire to not drink overproof in the morning), so I ordered a Red Stripe instead.

The Steel Bottom was a decent-sized shot of Red Cap with a beer, meant to be poured together and consumed. It looked terrible, and I was really glad I didn’t have to drink it. Here’s an appropriate picture of how they were probably feeling about drinking it at the time. BLACKOUT.

While we sat there, a guy came up and asked Kris if we wanted a boat ride. When he said no, he asked if we wanted cocaine. Oh, Jamaica.

Then it was time to move on again, because we were hungry. Conveniently, we encountered the patty man and his bike on the beach. We got patties, and Kris got a coco bread too. We headed to Yellow Bird, ordered Dirty Bananas (the exact opposite of a Steel Bottom, I think), and Kris made a sandwich out of his bread and patty.

There were a few women sitting next to us who really wanted to talk to Kris, and their voices were so ungodly scratchy and horrible that they actually chased us from the bar. Eesh. Also, there was a super-drunk local harassing people, so we figured we should probably move on.

The wind was picking up more and more, and it was started to get a bit overcast. We headed all the way down past Legends and Bourbon Beach to the last big hotel, called Travelers. It seemed pretty laid-back as well, and they had a concrete pingpong table sitting in the middle of the courtyard, for reasons we were unsure of.

Kris said the mudslides there were great (he’d done this same beach bar crawl before). I really didn’t want anything sweet after a Dirty Banana, so I got a rum and diet instead. Matt said they were delicious, but definitely really sweet.

At that point I was sick to death of sitting at bars instead of somewhere in the sand, because we were on one of the best beaches in the world. We decided to walk down to Bourbon Beach, where we could actually get a table on the beach itself. The second we left Travelers, though, we realized our mistake: the wind was coming from the direction we were walking now, and it was HORRIBLE. We got sandblasted the whole way, and I was the only one wearing sunglasses and therefore able to see. We stopped at Bourbon Beach to get a beer, and Kris got a text from Nav saying that Orsi and the kids had gone to the German Bar to get pizza. That sounded like an excellent idea, so we went over to Legends to get a cab back up to the cliffs.

They weren’t at the German Bar when we arrived, so we figured we’d wait for them. Then it occurred to us that maybe they’d been there and left, so we decided to order. We got a bunch of pizza, and left carrying a to-go box. It was so windy at that point that it was hard to hold the pizza box as we walked down the road.

We stopped back at the hotel to clean up, and found this sign waiting in the room. It was no joke… the waves would come up so high on the cliffs that you could be washed off the edge.

It was actually getting cold outside in the wind, too, which was a surprising and new experience in Jamaica. We decided to stay close by, and went across the street to Ciao Jamaica for dinner. We got an indoor table (I couldn’t believe people were sitting out on the patio) and ordered cocktails.

While we were waiting for our food, a table of ladies arrived. They were well into the day’s celebrations, and didn’t seem to understand that they were in a nice restaurant, not, say, Senor Frogs. They were yelling and doing shots and generally annoying everyone in the place. We spent a lot of time glaring at them.

After dinner, Orsi wanted to take a Lady Walk over to No Limit for a drink, so we did that and the men and kids went back to the hotel. We had a beer there, and then went back to to join them. We sat out on the patio for a while, and the waves were so rough we were getting sea spray all the way over there (past the cliffs, two swimming pools, trees, and a wall). It was cold, too, which still blew my mind.

Matt and I went back to our room around 10. We left the windows open because we thought the breeze would be nice, but I kept waking up panicking about the noise of the waves crashing, and eventually had to close the windows. Plus I was freezing to death!

Friday was supposed to be our day to go to Floyd’s Pelican Bar, but with the weather there was no way one could possibly take a tiny boat to an offshor bar on stilts. It was crazy.

The hotel had half the grounds roped off so people couldn’t get within 30 feet of the edge of the cliffs. The waves were so big they’d occasionally splash up over the roof of the two-story spa building.

We walked to Pablo’s for breakfast. Up on the road it was a least a little calmer, but you’d still feel sea spray even at that distance. Across the street, Sastick was standing in the door of his little produce market wearing jeans and an Aran fisherman’s sweater. It was cold in Jamaica!

While we were sitting there eating, a Canadian drove by on a motorscooter and crashed it a few doors down. He laid in the road for a good long time with a big crowd around him before getting up. We thought he was seriously injured, but apparently he was just embarrassed. (There’s no way in hell I’d ride a scooter up on the cliffs. Those taxis drive like maniacs around the curves.)

After breakfast, we ran to Lance’s for snacks and beer. I had to take a picture of it, since I’m pretty sure we’ve been in this store 20 times.

We went back to the hotel and hung out on Kris and Orsi’s porch, watching the waves crash. Kris smashed up fruit and made delicious rum punches. A little after 1pm, Matt and I walked over to the bar to use their free wifi and check in for our flight the next day.

The kids were invited to a birthday party with one of Byron and Nav’s friends, so we walked down to No Limit to drop them off. We played dominoes on the street, and the sun even came out for a little bit.

A bit later, we crossed the street to PeeWees and had a beer there, and then went up to get a cab to the Rockhouse. At that point, we were sick to death of beer and wanted proper cocktails. The Rockhouse excels at that.

We got seats at the bar, and got to know the bartenders, who were hilarious. One of them set up elaborate tricks with toothpicks, both for the purpose of making dirty jokes and as brain-teasers. We had a couple appetizers, and the ackee dip was incredible. We need to go back there again for dinner sometime.

After a couple drinks, we decided to go get food at 3 Dives. Kris had called ahead with our order, because the wait at that place can be ridiculous. (The last time we were there, it was beyond packed in the middle of a rainstorm.) We paid our tab and headed off down the road in that direction. A cab came by honking, and it turned out to be their friend Champion, who hangs out at No Limit all the time. We all piled into the back of his cab, and he dropped us the restaurant.

The place was nearly deserted, which was strange. We thought it might have been the weather, but learned later that it was because of a big show down on the beach. People had crowded in early, and then headed that way. We had a gigantic awesome meal including jerk chicken, red snapper, and curry conch (I had steamed veg and callalloo), covered in their many varieties of hot sauce.

We got a cab back to No Limit, where Matt and I had to set about the business of saying bye to everyone. (It helped that we’d already made plans to revisit Negril in two years, which will be Kris and Orsi’s 10th anniversary.) Kris ‘helped’ Jason by hiding his shoes above the door, though he managed to find them himself.

They’d made arrangements for us to get a ride to the airport with Champion the next day. As we walked out the door, we saw him nearly passed out on the domino table. Everyone goes hard in Jamaica.

We headed back to the hotel to have a last Appleton on Kris and Orsi’s patio, and then went to the room to finish packing up our stuff for the trip.

We got up at 8:45 Saturday morning and got our stuff together. It was refreshing to not have to get up at 6am and catch the shared shuttle, because that’s always kind of painful. We rolled our bags up to the front desk to check out just as Champion was walking in. We told him we had to say bye to our friends, and he took the bags to the taxi.

We met them down near the water just so they could show us that it was once again perfect outside, and the sea was calm. SIGH. We said goodbye, and cursed them a little for their extra week in Jamaica. Then we hopped in the cab and were off.

Champion said he had to make a stop to drop something off, which was fine with us. When he pulled into Hedonism 2, the nude resort at the far end of the beach, we were dying of hilarity inside. He dropped off a ‘package’ for one of the guests who came out to meet us, and we were off.

There wasn’t much traffic, so the drive was quick, around 90 minutes. Some of the little towns along the way had flooded roads because of the crazy weather the previous day.

It started raining just as we got to the airport in Montego Bay. We thanked Champion and rolled our bags to the gigantic US Air bag drop. That took forever, and then security also took forever, and finally we were inside the terminal. We walked around a bit looking for food and drinks to bring on the plane, and I grabbed a bottle of water. They announced our flight, and I realized while getting out my boarding pass and passport that my hands were shaking violently. It was 12:30, and I’d kind of forgotten to eat all morning. Luckily, I’d brought a Suncake along.

The exit row in row 9 was awesome. We ended up talking to the flight attendant again, and this guy had previously been in IT and moved into his current career just because of the opportunity for tons of time off with not much seniority. That sounded pretty appealing, really.

Matt had thought that morning that maybe he was getting a cold, and by the time we were in the air, it was clear that he had one. His ears and sinuses were blocked, which made the descent miserable.

We landed in Charlotte and headed to customs and immigration. We were very excited to use our Global Entry privileges for the first time ever, and found the bank of machines empty. My machine wouldn’t scan my passport and didn’t recognize the info I was entering, so I was worried I’d have to get in the giant line. I tried another machine, and while it still wouldn’t scan my passport, the manual entry worked. We got little printout slips with our photos on them that we took to the passport line. That was quick, and so was customs. The downside was that we just had longer to wait for our bags to arrive, but I took that time to go to the bathroom and change into warmer clothing. We were heading back to the cold.

We first went up to the US Airlines lounge, and went in because I had free passes. They had some snacks, but you had to pay for a full meal. They also had free rail drinks, but you had to pay for anything good. I grabbed some crackers and cheese cubes, and we had a cocktail. Then we headed back out, because Matt was badly in need of cold meds and some real food.

We bought Mucinex at a shop, then went to get a table at the Bacardi Rum Bar. They were playing reggae and had shockingly authentic Caribbean food, so it was a welcome return to the Jamaican atmosphere. By the time we were done with dinner, we were both nearly falling asleep on the table. We went to get a quick beer at the Carolina Beer Co, and then headed to the plane. After another exit row, another friendly flight attendant, and another shuttle ride, we were home.

It was -35 windchill in Minneapolis. Our shuttle driver took us right to the parking ramp instead of to the park and ride lot, and earned a $20 tip for that. It was worth it.