For Bertine’s birthday, we had originally planned on going to Vegas. Then we decided on Paris. Then some poking around my favorite travel site led us to decide on a package deal to Budapest and Prague. Obviously, this was going to be the best birthday ever.

Here’s the entire Flickr photoset from the trip!

Read from the beginning below, or jump to each day:

• 11/20: Leaving Minneapolis
• 11/21: Amsterdam to Budapest
• 11/22: Budapest
• 11/23: Budapest
• 11/24: Budapest to Prague by train
• 11/25: Prague
• 11/26: Prague
• 11/27: Heading home

We hopped on a plane at 6pm Sunday night. Unlike on domestic flights, they did a good job of keeping us distracted. We had pop, snacks, then a full meal. Now, I regularly broadcast my hate for Northwest Airlines, but they did have awesome service on the transatlantic flights. I had an Indian dish with chickpeas for dinner. Bertine ate 1.5 pieces of cake before almost getting sick.

I’m terrible at sleeping on planes, but I did manage about an hour and half straight over the north Atlantic. I fell asleep against the window and woke up thinking I was going to freeze to death.

descending into amsterdam

We saw the sunrise over Scotland, were served breakfast, and I got sniffly as I saw the coast of Europe for the first time in over 10 years.

The Netherlands

We landed right on time in Amsterdam. The pilot deserves a reward for the least noticeable-landing ever. It was amazing.

We were at the back of a DC-10, so it took some time for people to exit. A couple of jovial Dutch men were chiding the Americans for always being in such a hurry, but we had a connecting flight to make in 50 minutes, and they hadn’t been able to issue us boarding passes in Minneapolis. We rushed to the transfer desk, and everything was taken care of efficiently. I wish we’d have had more time to wander in the Amsterdam airport, because it rules.

sculpture in schipol airport

We hurried to our gate, passed through security, and boarded a Malev jet bound for Budapest.

hungarian national airlines

On the flight, they gave us a little snack box with cheese, tomatoes, peppers, herbed butter, and hot rolls, as Hotel California played on the loudspeaker. They broadcast Hungarian TV, and I read an extensive article about Prague in the in-flight magazine.

From above, Hungary looks a lot like Wisconsin. We landed and got to deplane on the tarmac (something which will always be thrilling to me). We boarded fat buses and rode to the terminal. Right away, we got out about a million forint (well, like 10,000) and went to buy Budapest Cards. Besides discounts on attactions, they covered all our transportation for three days, which would make getting around on the metro and trams really easy.

There was a 40-minute wait for the shuttlebus to the hotel, so we decided to be brave and hop the city bus to the metro station. We really had no clue where the bus stopped or where we were going, but we followed everyone else’s lead and just rode to the end of the line.

tram

The bus dropped us off at Köbönya-Kispest, the end of the blue metro line. All three metro lines converge at one station (Deák Tér), and the metro logo looks very similar to the Transformers logo, so that central station was quickly renamed ‘Decepticon Central’.

Magyar is a unique language, very much unlike anything I’d ever studied. Therefore, most signs and instructions were meaningless; I expected to be able to detect some German or Russian in it, but it was completely different. Therefore, we just made up names that sounded similar. Our directions would be something like, ‘OK, we’re going to get on at Nougati, transfer to the red line at Decepticon Central, then get off at Moscow Station.’

We exited the metro at ‘Georgie’ and immediately saw a sign pointing right to the exit for our hotel. Score! Gate 1 had set us up at the Hotel Ibis Váci Út. We checked in, dropped our stuff off in our room, and headed back out to see Budapest. It was around 2pm.

anna, a cafe on váci útca

We headed down to the main shopping area (I have my priorities) on Váci Útca, a pedestrian-only thoroughfare in downtown Pest. We stopped for cappuccinos and sandwiches at Anna, and were soon to learn that restaurants in Budapest do not take credit cards, no matter what the travel guide tells you. We wandered around the shops, stopped into H&M, and walked down to the Elizabeth Bridge. It was just starting to get dark.

royal palace and chain bridge from the elizabeth bridge

We went in and saw the Inner City Church, whose walls were right up against the road leading over the bridge. We had to climb down below the bridge to enter it. We wandered back towards Váci Útca, and Bertine convinced me for the first time in many, many years that we should go into McDonald’s. Why? Because it was a McCafe. It had a separate section just for coffee and pastries.

Things I started learning about food in Hungary, and probably Europe in general: there’s no such thing as low-fat. There’s whole milk and butter. I didn’t worry too much about it. It was simple enough to find sugar-free stuff, and vegetarian food was easy to come by. One of the things I loved right away is that their pastries aren’t like ours: they’re hardly sweet at all. I got to try everything.

We got lattes and a pastry to try, and went to sit in the back corner and study our map. A group of men came and sat down near us, and one leaned over and asked if we spoke English. I got to talking to him while Bertine buried her head in the travel guide, worried he might ask her to marry him or something. He told us he was from Tunisia, and had been in Budapest for a year. It was very hard to find regular work, because even though they wanted people who spoke English well, one also had to speak Magyar, which was apparently very difficult to learn. He said the society was very closed, so the people he knew from North Africa stuck together. I asked if he planned on staying there, and he said no, nor did he have an interest in going to America (he feared the same social exclusion, and the fact he’d probably be treated like a terrorist). He was considering going back to Paris, but never back to Tunisia, because he couldn’t make a living there. I asked him to describe it. He told me, ‘you know the old movies with the desert, and the beautiful oasis? It’s exactly like that.’ Wow.

In the span of 20 minutes or so, I heard basically his whole life story, and a bit about his friends who were with him there. The only thing that made us a little nervous was when he told us, ‘you know, sometimes you have to go out and get a little crazy!! You know?’ We didn’t want to know. After a bit, we said goodbye to our Tunisian friends. We each paid 50 forint to use the bathrooms (complete with receipt), and left the McCafe. The Tunisians waved to us from the window, and Bertine said, ‘I can’t believe we’ve only been in Budapest for a few hours and already you’ve found a Tunisian boyfriend.’

st. stephen’s basilica (e.g. the church of the holy hand)

We decided to wander around and see what we could see in Pest, heading up towards the parliament building. It was cold, but not intolerable. We came across St. Stephen’s Basilica, which I had marked in the travel guide as a must-see because they had a relic: the mummified right hand of King István. Even more exciting than the hand itself was the fact there was a penny-smashing machine outside where one could obtain a 1-forint coin with the Holy Hand impressed upon it. Neither of us had the appropriate coins, so we made a very important note to return later.

We walked up around the massive parliament building and saw about 20 different statues and monuments: Attila József, Imre Nagy, Ferenc Rákóczi, the prince of Transylvania (although we mostly knew of these people from their metro-station namesakes). We walked down to the Danube again, then headed back in the direction of our hotel. We stopped at a little convenience store for pop and gum, and the shopkeeper spoke no English, so we had to figure out currency ourselves quickly, and I got to utilize the only Magyar word I knew: köszönöm (‘kurssurnum’, thank you).

nyugati pu

Near Nyugati Pu, the beautiful central train station, we explored a big department store, then headed across the street to Westend City Center, which was promptly renamed The Mall of Hungary. Because, seriously, it was that big.

We would mainly duck into malls and shops not just because, well, we love shopping in new places, but also because they were warm and tended to be open much later than anything else. Things close really early for those accustomed to the 24-hour lifestyle, so we would time our touristing to get to the attractions early in the day, and do shopping and such in the evening after dark.

We saw a restaurant right by the train station that looked interesting, but decided to walk back towards our hotel to see what else we might encounter. After several blocks, we realized it was a lot further than we thought, and it was cold. We hopped on the metro and took it back to Nyugati Palyaudvar (code name: Nougaty Pie Aardvark), and went to NOA Cafe for dinner.

Like many restaurants we saw in Europe, even though it was well below freezing most days, they still had outdoor seating. This place had a big screened-in patio with large heaters. It was almost tropical. We ordered drinks and I was happy to see they had a few different varieties of grilled cheese, so I ordered the camembert and pears. We watched server-girl dancing to November Rain. When our meals arrived, we discovered that grilled cheese didn’t mean ‘grilled cheese sammich’, just ‘grilled cheese’. It was a big hunk of cheese, fried potato balls, pears, blueberries, and fresh mozzarella. It was so good, if surprising.
After dinner, we stopped at the gigantic supermarket downstairs in Nyugati station for water and such, giggling our way through the store as we examined all the weird Hungarian products. We hauled our groceries back to the hotel on the metro, exhausted from all the walking.

breakfast at the hotel ibis budapest

We got up early and headed down to the lobby for breakfast, which was included with our trip. I figured it’d be the typical hotel breakfast of a bagel and old banana, but they knew how to do it up right with the massive breakfast buffet. We had about 15 choices of fresh bread, cheese, fruit (I loved the stewed plums), unsweetened yogurt with granola, eggs, and coffee with little cancer pellets (techically aspartame). I grew very attached to the pear mug that I was to use three times while we were there.
We took the metro to Moscow Station, got really, really turned around, and finally figured out the direction of the castle. We climbed a very steep hill and went through the Vienna Gate into Old Town, which is enclosed by the castle walls.

mátyás church

We toured Old Town and ended up at Mátyás Church, a massive Neo-Gothic building. The Fishermen’s Bastion behind it offered incredible views of the city, especially of the Pest side and the Chain bridge.

fishermen’s bastion

fishermen’s bastion

There was also a large statue of St. Stephen (Istvan), the first king of Hungary, the very same one whose holy hand lay mummified right across the Danube, and was soon to be immortalized on a smashed forint.

parliament from the fishermen’s bastion

house decoration in old town

old town

chico’s replacement

chain bridge

palace

CUTE!!!

looking towards the elizabeth bridge, gellért hill on the right

the chain bridge with parliament in the background

looking out the window of the fortress at gellért hill

funicular and tunnel through castle hill

We walked down the long cobbled road descending from the castle and caught a tram to the Gellért Hotel, home of the most famous mineral baths in Budapest. It was starting to snow big, fluffy flakes as we arrived; we decided to climb the hill first and then warm up afterwards at the hotel if we needed to.

good old st istvan again

We started up the hill and stopped briefly to see the Cave Church, which wasn’t terribly interesting because it was fairly new. We climbed further up the hill, and the snow was getting heavier. Eventually, we were pretty much hiking up this hill in a snowstorm, and proved once again that we are hardcore.

me, being totally hardcore on gellért hill

It was a hard climb. It was no Mount Hollywood or Sliding Sands Trail, but it was hard. And it was cold. And did I mention blizzarding? We decided to call it Budapest Mountain.

liberation monument

We stopped for a second to take photos for a couple Australian guys who were equally hardcore at the top of the hill, and then proceeded up to see the Liberation Monument, which, from a distance, appears exactly like the waving girl statue in Savannah. ‘Liberation’ in this instance refers to Budapest’s ‘liberation’ by the Soviets in 1945; I heard a rumor that the current construction is to sandblast off remnants of Soviet decor, but I’m not sure if that’s true or not.

We went up into the citadel, and stopped in a little shop to get out of the snow. We found some really cute souvenirs, and bought about a third of the eight-million (well, 60) postcards we had promised to people back home.

we were here.

We started back down the other side of the hill, moving very slowly so as not to slip, tumble, and become giant snowballs rolling down Gellért Hill and plunging into the Danube. We found our way back to the other side of the hill through some scarily-remote areas, and ended up near a really awesome-looking playground with several long slides.

bertine making movies inside the tube-slide [here’s the movie!]

Well, of course we had to do it, even if it meant we ended up with big wet spots on our asses.

We went into the Gellért Hotel on the pretense of looking for lunch, but really we just wanted to use some swank (and free) bathrooms. We walked around the area and saw nothing interesting for lunch, so we decided to take the tram up to Víziváros or Water Town (thus named because it used to flood all the time). There were a few restaurants right near the station. We walked into one, stared at the menu board for a few minutes, then walked back out. We had absolutely no clue what any of it was. Next door, we found a cute little pizza place. It quickly became known as the Luce of Budapest.

Another thing about dining in Europe: they’re just not in a hurry like we are here. Meals take forever. They think it’s unusual if you don’t order appetizers, entrees, and dessert or coffee. You have to catch your server’s eye to get the bill, or they’ll just leave you sitting there until the place closes. Also, there’s no such thing as water on the table. You can order bottled water if you want. Coke Light comes in tiny bottles. Cappuccinos and lattes come in single-shot cups. I’m not sure how Europeans aren’t dying of dehydration on a daily basis, because we were suffering.

We had super-good pizza and coffee, and heard Green Day, Ludacris, and Gorillaz while we were there. We stopped at a pastry shop for cute little breadlike things and took a turn through the mall, which was mostly uninteresting. At that point, we decided it was time: we needed to go to the mineral baths in Budapest.

gellért baths complex

We metro’ed back to the hotel and got our bathing suits, because we’d be damned if even Hungarians were going to see us naked in public. We went back to the Gellért Baths and paid 2400 forint (about $13, discounted with the Budapest Card), and were ushered into the ladies’ half of the complex.

The baths are monstrous, and set up identically for men and women. The only shared area is the swimming pool and large whirlpool. We walked timidly into a giant locker room with cabana-like changing rooms. Two very authoritarian women (Hungarians tend to hold onto their Soviet habits, it seems) were at a table folding aprons and towels. I approached one and asked where we should go. She said, ‘Go upstairs and change!’ I asked, ‘Where do we get towels?’ She said, ‘AFTER!’

We went upstairs and again stood there timidly until another authoritarian woman in a terrycloth smock and slippers came by to direct us to a cabana. We both went in, unsure of whether we were supposed to have our own. We changed and stood there complaining about our lack of towels; if there’s one thing I’m really not thrilled about, it’s parading around in a bathing suit. Even if I am in Eastern Europe.

The lady came back and gave us a token to denote our cabana. She pointed us back downstairs. We approached the front table again and I asked the lady what to do next. I tried handing her the token, and she grabbed the strap of my bathing suit and tied it on. She then grabbed my arm and led us to the showers. She said, pointing, ‘Mineral bath to the right, swimming pool to the left.’ And she disappeared.

We showered and headed into the baths. There were two large pools with tile benches around the edges, so we sat shoulder-deep in the bath. One was 36 celsius and the other was 38 (about 100F), so we sat in the second one. It was so relaxing. It wasn’t very crowded at all. About a third of the women were in bathing suits, a third topless (generally the younger, cute girls), and the other third bare-ass naked; definitely the ones you really didn’t want to see naked, either. We did our best to not look, because it was occasionally alarming. At one point, one of them bent down and squatted to pull up her suit; Bertine was scarred for life.

After relaxing in the mineral bath for a while, we decided to see what was in the other really ornate room with the showers. On one side, we found a steam room, which was 45-50C (about 120F). It was painful to be in there. If you sat on the bench, which was above the vents, you burned your ass. If you stood, your head was in the much-hotter area. I found my best bet was to stand there, not moving, and just focus on my breathing. I felt claustrophobic from the heat and strong sulfur smell, which burned my nostrils. I could only manage about a minute in there before I had to dash out.

On the other side of the fancypants showers was the cold bath. It was a little round thing like a jacuzzi, but it was 18C (64F, although it felt like ice water). Bertine said it was the thing to go dunk in there after the sauna, so I set one foot in it and decided there was no way in hell anyone was getting me in there. We were standing on the steps giggling about it when a topless lady pushed past us to climb into the bath. As she walked down the steps, she started laughing with us, and gestured for us to follow. She grabbed her boobs and bounced up and down, dunking in the water, saying, ‘Wooo! Wooo! Woooo!’ Well, at that point, we couldn’t not do it. We climbed in. We dunked the same way she did it. I wanted to die. We went running back to the warm bath as fast as we could.

After a while, we decided to check out the swimming pool. It’s in this insanely opulent room with marble and mosaics and huge pillars that go into the pool. We joined the others swimming slow laps, Soviet-style. There was even an arrow telling us which way to swim. After doing several laps and talking, we were hanging out in the shallow end, about to head back to the mineral bath, when something happened. All of a sudden, the entire shallow end turned into a giant jacuzzi. Everybody rushed to grab their own vent on the floor of the pool, and we all just bobbed around there while the pool bubbled. IT WAS AWESOME.

I really wish I could’ve taken photos in the baths, because they were amazing. Even the pictures I’ve found online don’t do it justice. We got chased out by a security guard when trying to take photos afterwards.

We went back to the baths for a while, took another turn in the steam room and cold bath, and were finally so prunelike we decided it was time to go. We showered and were still confused about where the towels came from, so I consulted the unfriendly matron at the front again. She led us to a room where a woman was passing out bath sheets. Not towels, but sheets like you’d put on a bed. We had to swear and cross our hearts and hope to die that we wouldn’t take them back into the baths. We wrapped ourselves up and went back to our cabana to change.

We took a tram, then the metro, back to the Church of the Holy Hand to obtain our critically-important smashed forints. Afterwards, we stopped at the big Szupermarket at Nougaty Station again to pick up treats for the people back home: liquor (pear brandy and Zwack Unicum), Kinder eggs, and other candy, as well as water (since we had no intention of dehydrating like the Europeans do).

the mall of hungary (westend center)

We threaded our way back through the mall of Hungary to have dinner at a place we’d seen the night before, called Leroy Cafe. The food was amazing. We had broccoli and gorgonzola crepes, eggplant dip, vegetable toast, cream of asparagus soup, coke light, and cappuccinos.

On the way back to the hotel, we almost got lost in the metro beneath Nougaty Pu. We made it back about 8:30pm and were absolutely exhausted again. We both laid down and promptly dozed off. I woke up an hour later to take a shower, and Bertine was talking in her sleep. All night long, I heard her rolling over to drink water. That hydration thing in Europe is serious business.

budapest has TWO suns.

Wednesday morning, we finally saw the sun in Budapest. I was thrilled.

me in heroes’ square

We took the metro to Hösök Tere, or Heroes’ Square. Because it was sunny, it was also a lot colder than previous days.

heroes’ square

bertine and her serbian boyfriend in heroes’ square

Heroes’ Square was full of busloads of Japanese tourists. I took pictures of them while they took pictures of the monument. While I was doing so, Bertine wandered off and found herself a Serbian boyfriend. It was totally love at first sight. She might deny it, but I know the truth.

ice rink in city park

We walked around the city park, which was created for the Millennium Celebrations in 1896. It had a World’s-Fair feel to it. Lots of lakes and paths, reproduction architecture, and tons of art-deco.

ducks trying to keep open water

vajdahunyad castle

We picked up the rest of the 60 postcards at a little shop. I was just happy to be inside, warming up.

statue of anonymous

There’s something about the Statue of Anonymous that fascinates me. I later bought a really nice black-and-white photo of this to put up in my apartment.

lake heated by mineral springs near the széchenyi baths

Near the back of the park, they have a big amusement park called FunFair, and a creepy funhouse-style thing with clowns on it. In the center of the park are the Széchenyi Baths, which looked to be an even larger complex than Gellért.

We stopped at a bar for coffee (they don’t really have coffeeshops in Budapest; you can either go to a cafe, or the bars all seemed to have cappuccino), then we continued on past the Zoo. Even in the cold, vendors had little booths set up on the sidewalk. We shopped a little and headed back to the metro.

the great synagogue

We went to the Opera stop, and got really, really turned around. I headed off the wrong direction from the Jewish Quarter, and we walked several blocks. After finally finding a main street, Bertine set us straight. We walked what felt like a million more blocks in the cold until we found the Great Synagogue.

inside the great synagogue

It’s a very impressive building, with higher security than we’d seen anywhere but the airport. We toured the synagogue, then circled the block to see the holocaust memorial out back.

holocaust memorial

looking toward the chain bridge from gellért hill

parliament

calvinist church

i call this ‘the vagina of budapest’, and also ‘the big o’

We headed back across the river to Water Town for lunch. Because it was so cold and we’d seen pretty much all the outdoor attractions, we decided to go to the National Gallery. First we saw the rest of the churches we’d missed in the area, and rode the tram up the river. We had lunch at the Luce of Budapest again (I’m all about being a regular wherever I go), and then went back down to castle hill. This time, we took the funicular up the hill!!

looking east from the palace

The Hungarian National Gallery shares the palace with a few other museums. It took us a little while to locate the entrance. We went in the back door and were flagged down by authoritarian coat-check women. We left our stuff with them and toured the gallery.

inside the hungarian national gallery

One of the most interesting things I saw at the gallery was the collection of Gothic altarpieces. I’d never really seen anything like them before, and they sure knew how to celebrate Jesus in a spectacular way. Unfortunately, I didn’t get great photos of such. I also liked the modern art exhibits, because I always like the modern art.

Of course, we had coffee at the little cafe and used the bathroom no fewer than 12 times, because it was free. There were a few really annoying Americans there; one of them seemed confused that they didn’t take dollars. I really hope we don’t come off like that. I doubt it.

We shopped at the gift shop, where I found many awesome things I needed, as expected.

looking north from the palace

the palace (housing the hungarian national gallery)

the chain bridge at night

We once again climbed down the steep hill from the palace and took the metro back to our hotel. We wrote our 60 postcards (Bertine saved us by bringing pre-printed labels), packed our suitcases, and I reviewed the Prague travel guide. We went downstairs and had dinner at our hotel, and once again realized the inevitability of cheese. We ate so much cheese on that trip. Not that it wasn’t good. It was great.

Afterwards, we went and sat in the hotel bar for a while, just because it was really funny to hang out in the Hotel Ibis Budapest bar. I had pear brandy and Bertine had a beer. We watched a Hungarian soap opera on TV, and I interpolated (i.e., made up) what was going on. It was something involving drug lords, Fight Club, and lesbian romance. Resident Evil came on, and watching it in Magyar was entertaining for probably only 15 minutes. The movie is stupid in any language. We went back upstairs and collapsed.

keleti pu

I was awake at 4am, unable to sleep. I was having anxious dreams all night about something going wrong on the way to Prague. We got up at 6:30 and had the usual (awesome) breakfast. I watched a group of Japanese businessmen pouring kimchee on their eggs, and mixing up ramen. One of our favorite games in the hotel restaurant was to pick out the Americans. It was harder than I expected.

We checked out and took the metro to Keleti Pu, our train station. We had no clue how early one had to arrive for a train, assuming it was much like flying. We were wrong, because we were there way too early. We rolled our bags up and down the station, figuring out how things worked. We had about an hour before our train would even show up on the board. We checked with the ticketing lady to make sure we had everything we needed, and we were good to go.

In our wandering, we found the post office. We walked in and were instantly confused. None of the signs had any meaning. We finally found the right window, and waited in line forever. When we got to the window, I was worried we might get beaten up for having so damn many postcards. But the girl there was very helpful. She totalled it all up, we paid, and she pulled out 3 different stamps and an airmail sticker for each postcard. I wanted to die, but I figured we’d found a good way to kill an hour. Only she didn’t give us the postcards back. She said she’d do them herself. Wow.

We went back and sat on the platform with our suitcases. Since the station is open on one end, it was a little cold. I tried not to doze off. I sat there wondering whether they’d have food I could eat in the dining car, and whether there would actually be a dining car at all. I didn’t know! I’d never taken a train across Eastern Europe before. I decided to stock up just in case.

I wandered off downstairs to one of the million bread/pastry shops in the metro station, and returned proudly carrying a pretzel larger than my head. I was set.

our train car

Our train had come up on the board, so we rolled our way down the track and found the car. We had seat reservations, so it was easy. The train’s final destination was Zoo Station in Berlin, and according to the labels, we’d have our compartment to ourselves until halfway through the trip. Rock.

It was a six-seat compartment, with two rows facing each other. There were racks overhead for luggage, a door that slid closed, and mirrors above the seats. I discovered later that the mirrors made finding your compartment by the people in it really confusing. I’d see Bertine and go to walk into one compartment, when actually she was in the last one. Train funhouse!

the obligatory crappy mirror shot

We sat in the station for about half an hour while the train loaded, and then we were off. I was way excited about things like using the train-WC (we had started calling it the WC since arriving there), and visiting the dining car. I’m a sucker for novelty.

sitting at the station

Shortly after the train left [train movie], a guy came around checking our tickets. After that, passport control came through. They were usually a team of two, one with a stamp for the country you were exiting, and one with a stamp for the country you were entering. You could hear them coming by the chunkCHUNK of the stamp, as they progressed down the hall. Having looked at the railroad map beforehand, I figured we’d be entering Austria briefly to go through Vienna, then heading into the Czech Republic. Imagine our excitement when we looked at the passports the officer handed back to us, and realized we were in Slovakia.

dining car

Train travel is slow, and the train rocks in such a way that it makes you really sleepy. I spent the time alternately knitting and dozing. Though I hate sleeping on airplanes, it was easy on the train. I saw the towns of Bratislava and Brno, cities I’d heard a lot about in Russian classes but never expected to see. Most of Slovakia and the eastern part of the Czech Republic looked like it was made up of little fairytale villages.

We got some new compartment-friends in Bratislava. One of the guys put a big bottle of beer up on the shelf, where it proceeded to roll around a lot. There was also a teenage girl, who Bertine saw being waved-to by her mom from the platform. She looked very nervous, and didn’t say a word until we reached Prague.

We decided to try the dining car shortly after Bratislava. The guy who worked in there was awesome, and we loved him. He was so over-the-top. He didn’t want to serve me soup, because it came from a packet. I got the cheese plate instead, because, you know. Cheese. Bertine got paprika chicken, and we had Czech beers. As we were eating, we crossed the border into the Czech Republic. Passport control came through the dining car. In the back corner, we were alternately amused and annoyed by a group of crusty British guys who were bitching about not having smokes. One of them said, ‘We just went an entire country without a cigarette!’ At one of the stops, they lined up at the door, waiting for the second it opened. The train would only stop in small towns for perhaps a minute, and people would rush to get on or off. They sprang back into the dining car with a pack of cigarettes they had purchased in a mad rush from one of the booths at the station. So funny.

We paid for our food (note: the dining car is really expensive, and they made some extra money by obviously rounding up in the conversion from euros to, in our case, forint) and headed back to our compartment. The guys had gotten off the train, so only the girl was left. We spent the rest of the trip to Prague dozing off, and peering at the travel guide.

We arrived at Holešovice Station around 5:30pm. As before, we first stopped at the cash machine. Prague only had single-day travel passes, so we had to get change for the metro ticket kiosk. We stopped into a little shop to buy pop and food, and I realized I could just buy a ticket there. We were on our way to the hotel.

Thing is, I didn’t know exactly where the hotel was. It was called Hotel Ibis Smichov, and there was a Smichov station, so that seemed obvious. The directions in the guide were as if you were driving, so I had to guess. In the metro station, we were immediately stopped by a transit cop, who checked our tickets. He told me I needed another 10Kc for my suitcase. We decided to play dumb-tourist and risk it anyway.

We took the metro to Smíchovské nádraží and walked out onto the street. We didn’t see the hotel, so we walked around and tried to find street names we’d recognize from the tiny map I had. We saw a couple signs with promising-sounding names, but had no clue where we were. We were freezing, and it was dark. I tried to call the hotel, but couldn’t figure out how to dial a local number; all I knew was how to call the US. OSKAR, the local cell service, kept telling me ‘the number is being cheeky’. The neighborhood was pretty dodgy, and I was tired of rolling my suitcase over cobblestones. We finally went back to the metro station and Bertine managed to find a nice woman who knew where were were headed. She told us our hotel was actually at the previous station. We were relieved.

We hopped back on the metro with no ticket, hoping we wouldn’t get caught. We got off at Andel, and walked out to find ourselves in an infinitely nicer part of town. It was all fancy shopping and bright lights. For a second, it struck me as downtown Las Vegas.
While we stood at the metro exit looking for the street name for our hotel, a guy came up and asked what we were looking for. We told him, the Hotel Ibis on Plzenska (which I later realized was ‘Pilsner’, like the beer). He looked excited and waved us after him. I muttered to Bertine that we needed to watch out for that guy. He rushed us around the corner at the main intersection and headed down Plzenska. We could see the hotel from there, so we stopped and thanked him for his help. I dug quickly in my wallet and came out with a bunch of coins. I handed it to him and he said no, and pointed at my wallet. I said, ‘Sorry! Thanks!’ and we hurried off. I’m pretty sure he probably ended up with more Hungarian forint than koruna.

hotel ibis smichov

We were so happy to find that hotel. We were even happier at the location. It was right by a big mall with lots of restaurants (immediately named ‘The Mall of Prague’), and a brand-new Humanic store that Bertine was positive would open up just for us. We checked in and dropped our stuff off in the room, then immediately headed over to the mall to find dinner.

big flush, little flush

thanksgiving dinner

We called the folks back home to wish them Happy Thanksgiving, and let them know we’d made it to Prague and were beyond thrilled to be there. We circled the mall and headed up to the food court, which was way nicer than the usual American version. We decided on the Turkish place. Yes, we had falafel, hummus, Turkish coffee, and chai for Thanksgiving. We rule.

giant nutella display

Afterwards, we stopped at ‘The Target of Prague’, i.e. Carrefour. It had a huge grocery on the lower level, and everything else on the second floor. We marveled at the crazy European candy, and decided to come back for souvenirs before we left. We went back to the hotel and went to bed shortly after 9pm.

We woke at 6am; it was still dark out. Breakfast at the Hotel Ibis Praha Smichov was even better than in Budapest, because they had all the same food and Laughing Cow cheese. We ate, bought metro passes, and took the metro to Staromestská, or Old Town Square. Bertine led the tour. I photographed. The cold was especially painful that day, for some reason.

the church of our lady before týn

They were setting up booths in old Town Square and Andel, near our hotel, for Christmas. We didn’t really know what they’d be used for, but we were hoping they’d be open before we left.

church of st. nicholas

Old Town Square made me really, really happy. It was one of those places that’s so essentially Prague. It’s perfect.

štorch house

powder gate

astronomical clock (old town hall)

We positioned ourselves in front of the clock on Old Town Hall at 9am. Every hour, it puts on a show; a procession of apostles comes out and music plays. My favorite figures on the clock were Death (a skeleton, of course) and The Turk.

window on old town hall

9am also meant the clock tower was open. We went inside, climbed a bunch of stairs, and then took a magical round glass elevator to the top. The first thing we did, even before checking out the view, was smash some pennies in the machine.

Prague is all about red tile rooftops, winding streets, cobblestones, and church spires. It’s amazing from above.

celetná street

looking across the vltava: prague castle on the right

church of st. nicholas

church of our lady before týn

old town square, setting up for christmas festival

looking south

We circled the clock tower and peered at the city until we were freezing. We took the magical round glass elevator back downstairs and set off wandering.

u rotta

marionette shop

Most of the shops didn’t open til 10, so we followed the guidebook and read about the sights, noting the stores we wanted to come back to. We went into a few churches, and by then I felt like I’d already been in so many churches I couldn’t keep track of them anymore.

I was excited to see a Tesco, so we went in and checked it out. It was kind of like a multi-level K-mart. Not terribly exciting, but we at least warmed up. Afterwards, we headed back towards Charles Street in Old Town, where all the shops were. We found a little candy store that had coffee, so we stopped there for a while.

The people who worked there were so awesome. I had a cappuccino, and Bertine had tea. When we were done, we picked out a bunch of treats for people at home, and then each bought a bar of chocolate. That was the first time I’d ever had sugar-free chocolate that actually tasted like the real stuff.

karlúv most (charles bridge)

Charles Bridge was one of the things I was most excited to see, so of course when we got there I started crying. I can’t help it!
Even in the cold, the bridge was busy, and lined with stands selling prints, photos, and crafts. We each picked out a photo of Prague that we liked. I took about 300 pictures.

little quarter and prague castle

st john nepomuk: rub him for good luck

We found the frieze depicting St John Nepomuk being tossed off the bridge (they really seemed to like tossing people from things in Prague). Tradition states that one should rub him for good luck, so we did. He’s all polished from all the good luck he’s been distributing over the years.

people seem to pet the dog too!

grand priory mill (little quarter)

little quarter bridge tower

We walked down to the other end in the Little Quarter, then headed back across to Old Town. I took 300 more photos, and the bridge got even more crowded in the ten minutes since we’d gotten there.

Also, we couldn’t resist talking about the movie XXX and Vin Diesel a lot while we were there. I mean, it was all about Prague. Shut up.

the vlatava river

For some reason, my phone only picked up T-Mobile while we were in metro stations, and on the Charles Bridge. Otherwise it was OSKAR. I was happy when I could get T-Mobile, because that meant I could send photos to the interweb, and let people know we were alive. I sent four of them from the bridge.

musicians on the charles bridge

st norbert, st wenceslas, and st sigismund

We went back to Old Town and headed back into the main shopping area. By now, it was BUSY. There were tourists everywhere doing their tourist thing. It was hard not to trip on the cobblestones when walking in a crowd, I noticed. On Charles Street, I had to buy a bunch of tshirts and other things by Fun Explosive. It’s a miracle I only bought five shirts, because I wanted fifty.

We did much, much shopping in old town, then found a place for lunch in a side alley off the main square. It was a little Italian restaurant called Giovanni, and in keeping with all our dining experiences, it was awesome. As was the decor: gold-flake ceilings, velvet drapes, mirrors everywhere, an eclectic mix of tables and chairs. I ordered a four-cheese pizza with brie, and Bertine had penne. I got ‘comfort coffee’: a cappuccino with SoCo. SO AWESOME.

vegetarians are HOT.

kafka street

After lunch, having been sufficiently warmed-up, we decided to take our numerous shopping bags back to the hotel. We turned right around and headed back to the same metro stop, but this time turned the other direction into Josefov, the Jewish Quarter. Prague’s Jewish ghetto was enclosed and didn’t become an actual part of the rest of the city until 1850. It’s very crowded.

maisel synagogue

old-new synagogue

The Old-New Synagogue was built in 1270; it’s the oldest in Europe. It’s also the home of Rabbi Löw, who created the Golem and supposedly hid it in the synagogue.

Man, I was really excited about the Golem. That quickly became my second-favorite thing about Prague, after the Charles Bridge. At the gift shop, I got little Golem figures, and a book illustrated by the Fun Explosive people. I really dug the Golem. I couldn’t stop talking about it.

old jewish cemetery

old jewish cemetery

The Old Jewish Cemetery is unbelievable. It’s hard to capture in photos just how crowded it is. It’s about the size of half a city block and has around 12,000 gravestones, but there are supposedly 100,000 people buried there. They charge a lot to visit it, but it’s absolutely worth it.

rabbi löw’s tomb

people leave pebbles and coins as a sign of respect

kafka statue

We walked around the rest of Josefov, getting lost a lot. There’s something about the combination of winding, dead-ending streets and alleys and the fact that it takes a lot of work to actually find street signs that made getting around in both cities a challenge. Organic cities are always hard to navigate. We finally found the Spanish Synagogue, but I was more excited about the Kafka statue. Kafka is definitely my third-favorite thing about Prague. It makes me happy being somewhere he was.

wenceslas square

We took the metro over to Wenceslas Square, which is best known for being the site of anti-Soviet riots. We were pretty exhausted from walking in the cold all day, so we decided to stop at McDonald’s and go to the bathroom. For some reason, I guess I’m OK with going to McDonald’s in Europe. We got Coke Lights and Spinach and Cheese pockets, which were dangerously close to real food. We warmed up. I went on a long journey to find the bathroom, because they’re hardly ever nearby. This one was out back in a courtyard. I paid my 5Kc, and got a McDonald’s receipt in return.

We set off up Wenceslas Square, then started to realize maybe we weren’t in the right place. We turned around and walked back. At McDonald’s, we turned left and then found ourselves in Wenceslas Square. Which really isn’t much of a square at all, it’s just a really wide, divided street with a bunch of stores. It was somewhat similar to the area near our hotel: fancy shops and restaurants. There were carts and booths set up in the middle, and it was quite crowded.

jan palach memorial

We walked down to the end near the opera and museum, and stopped to see the memorial to anti-Soviet protesters. Standing at the high end of Wenceslas square, overlooking the crowd, we decided we were cold and worn out. [And, according to this movie, I really wanted coffee.] We hopped on the metro at Muzeum and rode back to Andel.

dinner!

We decided to buy food and hang out in our room instead of dining out this time. We stopped at the Target of Prague (Carrefour), and scoured the grocery. For ourselves, we got a few kinds of fresh bread, cheese, snacks, Squash-brand cherry vodka (which was only twice the price of pop, as liquor is super-cheap in Europe), Coke Light, and a beer. We also bought a ton of candy to bring back home to everyone. Kinder eggs are always an especial favorite.

We brought our haul back to the hotel, noting on the way that Humanic really looked like it might be open in time for us to shop there. We ate dinner, drank Coke Light with cherry Squash, and watched the Simpsons dubbed in German. Which was hysterical. My favorite part was Mr. Burns answering the phone, “Oy-oy.” We also watched parts of Aliens in Czech, Big Brother in Czech, and then MTV Made in German. We almost died when we saw it was a story about a kid in Minneapolis wanting to be a rapper. They showed scenes of Uptown, and his hip-hop mentor was wearing a Pizza Luce tshirt. So bizarre.

We slept hard that night in our twin beds with the blankets so narrow you had to be careful your ass didn’t hang out.

Saturday morning, we metroed our way over to Malá Strana, or the Little Quarter. The sun came out!!

tram

We had the option of climbing up to the castle or taking the tram. Hello, tram. We’d only walked about 4,000 miles already. In the cold.

st vitus’ cathedral

We got there right as the castle (Pražský Hrad) opened. We would discover later that this was a most excellent plan.

The centerpiece of the castle is St. Vitus’ Cathedral. It’s too monstrous for photos. I’ve never see a church that big. It was begun in 925 by St. Wenceslas. 1,000 years later, it was completed.

st vitus’ cathedral

We bought tickets for the tour, because that was the only way to get into the crypt. How could you not go into the crypt? Well, it included other important things, too, but mostly the crypt.

altarpiece

As with all the churches we had visited, no photography was allowed. Hence the crappy quality. It’s not like that really stops me, but I have to be quick.

st vitus’ cathedral

We saw the tomb of Good King Wenceslas. The book even pointed out the ornate door handle to which he clung while being murdered by his own brother. Hey, at least he didn’t get tossed out of something. Most others did, from what I hear.

crypt

The crypt was very quiet, but not terribly spooky. They had some of the pieces of the original church there, and also the tombs of the royal people not important enough to get a spot on the main floor.

royal tombs

stained glass window

tomb of st john nepomuk

We saw the tomb of the little man we rubbed for good luck. You’re not allowed to rub his solid-silver coffin for good luck, though. The guards would defenstrate you with a quickness.

rose window

While surreptitiously taking photos in the cathedral, I tried to blend in with a busload of Japanese tourists. Then I realized I was a head taller than all of them. I fail at blending.

st vitus’ cathedral

royal palace

gold mosaic on st vitus’ cathedral

The south-facing side of the cathedral is the most interesting. One face of it has a giant gold mural, that seems not in keeping with the rest of it. Even the windows have gold accents, whereas they don’t on the rest of the building. Also, there’s a large gate decorated with the signs of the zodiac.

gemini!

This is the side that faces the palace, which pretty much takes up the whole south wall of the castle.

golden lane

Our tour included Golden Lane, which was also critically important to me, because Kafka had lived there for a few years. It was originally built for the palace guards, but became a slum until they cleaned it up and made it all nice and touristy. Now it’s a series of souvenir shops. It’s very cute. The houses are painted in a rainbow of colors, and don’t seem like the kind of thing you’d find in a castle.

franz kafka lived here

ego

I’m not sure what this sculpture is about. It doesn’t really fit, and I can’t find anything about it. It’s right outside Dalibor Tower, near the back of the castle.

We had coffee and went to the bathroom with the Japanese tourists, then saw Dalibor Tower, where they would lock prisoners in a deep underground dungeon to starve to death.

view of the little quarter from the castle

I haven’t mentioned yet that Prague has an Eiffel Tower, too. It’s on the hill in the distance, hiding behind those trees.

looking south

looking east

looking northeast

I’ve heard Prague is always hazy like this. There’s definitely a lot of air pollution. By the end of the trip, I thought I was getting a cold. I was coughing, sniffling, and my throat hurt.

In the far-off distance in this photo is the Soviet-era TV tower. A modern artist was hired to spice it up; it now sports gigantic babies crawling up and down the legs. It’s really freaky. [here’s a movie of the view]

vladislav hall (royal palace)

Of course we had to check out the palace, if only because it had stairs specially-designed for horses. This hall supposedly looked like a giant market in the olden days. In fact, I bet it was exactly like the Christmas Festival in Old Town Square. I hope, at least. Wait, we haven’t gotten there yet.

horse stairs!

My favorite spot in the palace (besides the horse-stairs), was the site of the DEFENESTRATION. I’ve always loved that word. Hell, I’ve always loved that concept. They have a term for tossing people out windows!! Turns out that word originated here, with the infamous defenestration of 1618. The dudes survived by landing in a dung heap. Just FYI.

Wait, can we just review why Praha is the coolest? Golem, defenestration, Kafka, horse stairs, people being tossed from bridges, Pilsner, and Squash-brand cherry vodka for, like, $4. Granted, Budapest did have a holy hand. That’s nothing to shake a stick at.

crowd outside st vitus’ cathedral

We walked back up towards the front gates of the castle, and holy crap. There were a million people there. We were really glad we got there early.

We bought a ton of stuff at the castle gift shop. I got a tarot deck with Prague scenes on it, and a bunch of gifts.

us, reflected

my favorite photo: restaurant on hradcanske námestí

We walked up the hill through Hradcany, the little town that had sprung up around the castle. It’s mostly tourist-oriented now: fancy hotels and restaurants. And also a famous pilgrimage site, the Loreto.

the loreto

The Loreto was specifically built to attract people on pilgrimage, so it’s way over-the-top. I had to really sneak photos in this place, because the guards were vehement.

santa casa

The centerpiece of the place is the Santa Casa. It’s supposed to be a replica of the house the Virgin Mary lived in when visited by the angel. I didn’t really understand it until I went inside: it looks like a little cottage on the inside, as opposed to the weird Greek monument it appears to be externally.

At the Loreto, we had one of the creepiest moments of the trip. In the main chapel, the Church of the Nativity, they have several relics, including skeletons that are fully clothed and have wax faces molded on. While I was being consumed with horror over those, Bertine was having a panic attack over the cherubs. They were evil, demonic-looking cherubs. They were unbelievably scary.
There was a guard standing at the back of the chapel, yelling at people with cameras. I had mine up my sleeve, but didn’t dare. It absolutely killed me that I could not photograph one of the scariest things on Earth.

[Note: I have this described as such in my journal: scary² cherubs! Also, here’s a fascinating movie of me writing in my journal]

statues outside the loreto

looking toward the castle from the loreto

changing of the guard

We got back down to the castle in time to see the changing of the guard. There was a huge crowd there. Afterwards, we decided to walk down the massive staircase to the Little Quarter.

view from the castle gates

archbishop’s palace

bundled up

steps to little quarter

looking up towards the castle

We were really glad we’d chosen not walk up. There’s a limit to how much two people can move in a week’s time. Not surprisingly, even with all the awesome food we ate, I lost weight in Europe. So much exercise!

puffy!

We explored the little quarter, which is mostly shops and restaurants and a very steep hill. There’s a cute little Italian neighborhood there. We stopped for lunch at an overtly-touristy place that cost way too much, but the food was great as always. I had blini-like pancakes with spinach, garlic, and cheese, and Bertine had broccoli gratin. We had Pilsners, because finally we had made one critically-important realization about the dehydration situation: drink beer. It’s even cheaper than pop by volume, and you get a glass so large you’ll be lucky to be able to drink it all. Problem solved.

near the church of st. nicholas

plague column

statue of st. cyril in the church of st. nicholas

old engraving in the wooden railing upstairs

We toured the baroque Church of St. Nicholas, which was quite a change from the gothic cathedral we’d seen that morning. It was all gold and (fake) marble, and warm colors. The dome is one of the best-known landmarks on the west side of the Vltava River.

church of st. nicholas

nerudova street

We shopped in the Little Quarter. It was much like shopping in Old Town. We stopped at a little shop to buy a tiny bottle of absinthe. How can you be there and not try it?

beethoven plaque on the house at the golden unicorn

We got a little confused by the Wallenstein Palace and walked into some highly-secured building. The guards looked at us funny and directed us to the right place. There was a line outside, and we’d kind of seen enough in terms of palaces already. We decided to cross the river back to Old Town.

charles bridge

little quarter and castle

old town bridge tower

old town hall

We walked all the way back to Old Town Square, which felt like quite a ways. We were thrilled to see that the Christmas festival had begun!!

the christmas festival

The booths had either food or crafts and souvenirs. The very first booth we saw had roasted chestnuts. I was ecstatic.

choir in old town square

jan hus monument

We circled the festival, checking it all out. There was a raised bridge in the center, so people could climb up and see the whole thing from above. There was a little nativity-like petting zoo, a giant Christmas tree, and a choir performing all day. We nearly died of excitement when we saw the carp pond on the map. However, it was too early in the season to buy your Christmas carp. We missed out.

jan hus with the church of st nicholas in the background

potato pancakes, sausages, and such

We tried everything there. I had potato cakes kind of like latkes, with fennel in them. Bertine had a sausage wrapped in a potato pancake. I finished up the chestnuts and had a cappuccino. Our very favorite thing, though, was a grilled pastry they were making on round rollers. (We just called it ‘circle’, as in, “Where are people getting those circles?”) They were so good.

grilled pastries

I wanted to come back and see the festival after dark, so we had an hour to kill. We decided to take our stuff back to the hotel. On the way, we discovered to our vast delight that Humanic had indeed opened just for us.

Bertine bought a pair of shoes. I bought boots and clogs. They’re fabulous, and also cheap. I really wish we had that store in America.

church of st nicholas

We went back out around 7:30 to see Old Town Square lit up. It was just starting to snow big, puffy flakes. It was beautiful.

old town square

The choir was singing Carmina Burana. I made a little video of the scene.

old town hall

We walked around for a while, and I discovered that delayed flash takes good snow-pictures! And then we headed back to the hotel.

church of st nicholas again

staromestská metro station [here’s a movie of this same thing]

We went back to the Turkish place for dinner again. I had a falafel sammich, and she had gyros. We stopped at the Target of Prague again lest we have missed anything exciting before we left. I was sad that we were wrapping it up so soon.

We went back to the hotel, determined to try the absinthe. We split the little bottle (one should be careful with supposed neurotoxins, I hear), watered it down, and added fake sweetener in place of the sugar. It tasted horrible. Like Jagermeister, but worse. It really didn’t do anything for us, but I suspect that was the very small quantity. Hey, we tried it!

Sunday morning, we got up at 6:30 and finished packing up. We had awesome bread and cheese and muesli with yogurt for the last time. Sad. We checked out and headed to the metro. Flaunting the rules yet again, I did not buy a 10Kc ticket for my suitcase. I’m a scofflaw.

Because it was hard to find this information anywhere, and the travel guide says to take the shuttle to the airport, I’m here to tell you it’s easy to take public transportation. Take the green line to Dejvická, then the 119 bus from that stop to the airport. Technically it should be two 20Kc tickets, but we were stupid tourists and just had one. It only takes about 20 minutes to get to the airport from the end of the metro line.

We checked in at the airport, and for some reason, they could issue me a boarding pass for the connecting flight in Amsterdam, but not Bertine. We were pretty early, so we bought snacks in the airport, and sat and had coffee. Near the gate, I was picking through my coins and bills, and realized I had one of everything but the 50Kc bill. Bertine ran and bought me a sudoku book, and paprika chips for herself, just so I could have that bill.

As in Budapest, we got to take a fat bus to the plane out on the tarmac. I almost started crying as I walked up the steps and got on the plane.

praha airport

The flight was late, and we only had an hour layover in Amsterdam to begin with. Captain Dykstra got on the intercom and said, “We do our very best to fly as fast as possible to get you to Amsterdam on time.” I loved Captain Dykstra. The flight on Czech National Airlines was supposed to be 1:30, but we made it in an hour and ten minutes.

We went to the transfer desk at Schipol to get Bertine’s pass and were told that the place was already boarding, an hour early. That seemed strange. We went through security at the gate and were interrogated by the agents there, as expected. They examined our passports twice, and then right as I was supposed to board the plane, they pulled me aside and checked my passport again. I figured that meant I was flagged at customs in the US, the bastards.

The DC-10 was booked full. Bertine and I were seated far apart, both in the annoying center 5-seat section, but the guy next to me agreed to trade with her. At least we got to sit together. We went through the same snack, pop, dinner, pop, coffee routine, but it didn’t do much to pass the time. We watched Fantastic 4 and The Honeymooners, which made me want to slit my throat twice. It was hot, and felt like the longest flight ever. Finally, the giant map popped back up on the screen, and we were over Michigan. In less than an hour, we were home.

We really had no trouble with customs in the US. The guy asked me if I had any liquor; I told him I had an empty absinthe bottle. In the meantime, Bertine was carrying through a big bag of Czech and Hungarian liquor, and they didn’t even ask her about it.
The first thing we did after the baggage claim was stop at Starbucks. Europe ain’t never heard of ‘grande’.

[Thanks to Bertine for all the movies!]