Dear Park Dental, I’m a survivor, no thanks to you. I wasn’t aware that a human being could lose that much blood and still be able to walk out of your office under their own power. Plasma Alliance would have paid me $20 a pint, so I estimate you owe me 40 or 50 bucks, at least. I’ll be watching ...

To The D.C. Police: I learned something exciting and new while visiting our nation’s capitol this past week. I have steel-toed shoes. I was not aware of this feature when I bought them, but I will be sure to be more liberal with my ass-kickings in the future, now that I know. I discovered this fact while passing through metal ...

Dear Southerners, It has come to my attention recently that there is widespread misunderstanding about my home city. On several occasions, I’ve had a conversation very similar to the following: Southerner: “Where ya’ll from?” Me: “Minneapolis.” Southerner: “Oh, that’s where they have that big mall!” Now, I know the Mall of America is well-publicized and acknowledged. However, there’s something I ...