To the United States Congress:
At this point in history, I think we can all agree that the state of Wisconsin is a nuisance. Up until now, we’ve been content to sit by and allow it to stay a quiet, rural, socialist-breeding locale. But I have seen the dark side, and I can no longer remain silent about this insidious blight on the midwestern countryside. I demand that something be done, and soon.
Almost every state in our fair nation has something worthwhile and unique to offer our citizens. Nevada has Las Vegas and the Hoover Dam. Florida has the Everglades and Disney World. California has the Mojave Desert, the Golden Gate Bridge, and Emilio Estevez. Even my own lowly state of Minnesota has more to offer than just the Mall of America, although I can’t remember what at the moment. But Wisconsin? Well, here’s just a small sampling of some of Wisconsin’s finest offerings:
1. Circus World
One word: clowns. Also, my most vivid memory of Circus World is immortalized in a photo in my mom’s family room: myself and my brother and sister holding a tiger cub on our laps. We appear happy to be timidly fondling the animal, but we’re actually counting the seconds until we can escape the overwhelming odor of cat urine. So, to summarize… Circus World: Clowns. Pee.
2. Sparta
Sparta’s website says it all:
3. Robot World
Robot World, another fine Tommy Bartlett attraction, features, um, robots. But not cool modern robots who perform laser surgery while regulating the temperature of missile silos and reading your mind, but crappy robots, circa Buck Rogers. Their best tricks include knocking over towers of felt cubes, flashing their red LED eyes in a suggestive manner, and repeating the same three phrases in a voice reminiscent of Stephen Hawking on codeine.
4. Sphagnum Moss
A car leaving Minneapolis at 7:30am containing two girls consuming three shots of espresso each will arrive at the Black River Falls rest area at 9:15am, at which point the same two girls will hobble quickly to the women’s room and emerge two minutes later, looking refreshed. Upon exiting, they will pass a large brown marker proudly proclaming sphagnum moss to be Wisconsin’s hidden industry. Without fail, this information will make them giggle as they drive away.
5. The House on the Rock
Architectural masturbation and a psychotic need to stockpile all things evil combine to form a museum only satan could dream of.
6. The Ho-Chunk Casino
The Ho-Chunk Casino may be the largest in the (Ho-Chunk) nation, but it still sounds like something you’d have treated at a clinic where you don’t have to give your real name.
I think you can clearly see that Wisconsin is an embarrassment to the other 49 states in this country. For the citizens of Minnesota, it’s nothing more than a 300-mile-wide no-man’s land separating us from the cultural mecca known as Chicago. I hope you can do something to remedy this situation quickly. This outrage cannot be allowed to continue.
Sincerely,
Jenni
Upstanding American Citizen