My Box

Dear Amazon:

I appreciate all you to do lure me into spending my dollars at your fine internet marketplace, and I have to congratulate you on your success at that task. Every time I visit, you have so many new things to tell me I don’t yet have, but obviously need. I find the ‘You Know You Want It’ bit particularly charming:

It’s so overt, it’s almost lurid. Hell, it turns me on.

Anyway, I know you probably hear this a lot, but the Gold Box has to go. It’s backfiring. See, the thing that we’ve all discovered is that the Gold Box is a treasure trove of crap. Everything that nobody wants ends up in there, the reject booty in some inept pirate’s worst nightmare.

I myself have developed a sick fascination with my Gold Box. Every day, it tempts me with ten new offers to decline. The ‘Pass Forever and View Next Item’ button has barely had time to load before I’ve clicked it, laughing maliciously to myself. Because I hate the Gold Box, I want to punish it for being there. You’d think it would get the hint after so much rejection, but there it is every single day, begging for just one more chance. Really, I have no choice but to slap it around a little. It’s clearly asking for it.

So, I guess what you need to take into consideration next time you plan a new feature like this is the makeup of your audience. I think I speak for all of us out here on the internet when I say that we’re all a bunch of twisted, perverse freaks.

All my love,
Jenni