The Ripley Diet

Dear Internet Public:

For my next moneymaking scheme contribution to society, I plan on becoming a diet guru.

If you’ve spent any time with me, you know of my weird eating habits, as well as my propensity to discuss nutrition at lengths that drive most people to tears. On average, the word “protein” comes out of my mouth 35 times a day. The thing is, due to this level of obsession, I think I’ve developed a pretty good diet plan. Here are the basics:

• No sugar
• Non-animal protein
• Fruits and Vegetables
• Low carbs

Before you go accusing me of being Dr. Atkins, let me point out that there are major differences between us. First of all, he’s dead. Second, he says you can eat as many double bacon cheeseburgers as you like, as long as you shed the bun. That seems a little stupid to me. You might be able to lose weight that way, but you’re going to have heart disease by the time you’re 40 due to high cholesterol. Third, I don’t think cutting out carbs completely is the way to go. It’s hard to get quick energy from protein, plus I’m a little suspicious of what happens to your blood sugar without them. Of course, I don’t really know all the science behind this. I’m a diet guru, not a nutritionist. Duh.

Anyway, I decided to take this step today while I was making my lunch experiment. For the most part, if I’m eating at home, I live on fake-meat hamburgers, whole-wheat tortillas, and fresh produce. That gets boring, though, and occasionally I crave something different (read: bad for me). I decided last night that I was going to make the healthiest sloppy joes in the universe. And I’m pretty sure I succeeded.

I found a sugar-free, whole-wheat bread recipe online. We didn’t have half the ingredients, but I’m crafty, and reckless with whatever unlabeled herbs I find in the drawer. I reconstituted some TVP (translation for amateurs: cooked up some fake meat), and made the sloppy joe sauce with Splenda instead of brown sugar. The bread actually rose and baked up in an un-bricklike manner, to my surprise. The sloppy joes came out looking like the stuff that splatters on the camera in horror films, but it was the tastiest gore I’ve ever eaten. I made myself up a couple little open-faced sandwiches and emailed Heather: my sloppy joes are satisfying both emotionally and physically. Best of all, my whole lunch had something like 280 calories and 24g of protein. That’s when I knew I had to take this to the world.

I’m working on my infomercial this very second. If you’d like to get in on this right away, though, you can Paypal me some cash and I’d be happy to send you one of the first copies. Autographs cost $5 extra.

To your health, America.
Jenni