So where were we?
Oh yeah. Last time I posted anything of minor substance, I told you that my house sold. And it did indeed; we closed on Monday and I started breathing again. I took my check to the bank and wanted to run home and pay off the rest of my debts and fund my IRA and such, but the bank wants to be all conservative and give it to me in smaller chunks to make sure I can handle the responsibility of a wad of cash. They’ve totally got me pegged as the casino type, I think. In truth, I’m more of a pulltabs at the VFW kinda girl. You know it. I thought about writing an extensive summary of how I felt as regards the official end of the previous relationship, but it happened so long ago it seems irrelevant. This was just the cutting of the last financial tethers, and in turn the obligation to communicate. My ex has already more than covered the topic in depth; feel free to accept her version as truth. It’s just a huge relief to not worry anymore. So here’s all I have to say about it: I don’t remember a lot of the past year. I’ve blocked it out. I don’t want to acknowledge hate or anger or resignation in such volumes. It’s unhealthy, and it’s gone. I tried putting together a chronology of events recently and I couldn’t. I’ve started to love my goldfish-memory simply because it lets me forget ever being unhappy. I was asked: if you had it to do over, what would you do differently? My answer at the time was, i should have just shot myself. it would’ve been so much easier. Since I’m way too stubborn even about being alive to actually go that route, I think I should have broken it off when I knew the relationship was over, rather than waiting so long. I hoped she would realize she hated me so much she would do the breaking-up herself*. I was very afraid of what would happen. As it turned out, those fears were completely justified; the playout was beyond unbelievable. But perhaps I could have wasted less of our time. I could’ve saved us some dignity. I wish I hadn’t waited until my therapist told me I had to choose myself over the relationship. I should’ve just made that decision myself when I first felt it; by now, it would be a good five years in the shady past. Lessons learned for the next lifetime, at any rate. So there’s other stuff going on round here, but the problem with not writing in so long is that now I’m overwhelmed. Maybe I’ll make a list or something. Now there’s a new idea!- I have a bulging disk in my spine at the base of my neck. I was in so much pain for a few weeks before deciding to give in and go to the doctor that it pretty much ruined everything for me. Then I was taking these drugs, which made me stupid(er) and crabby about taking drugs. Then I went to PT and got zapped with hot ultrasound beams from outer space, and then placed in a machine which yanked on my head for ten minutes. No joke! And all for the low, low price of $300, totally not covered by the insurance I don’t have. My dad had the same exact stress injury a while back, so he taught me the strengthening exercises. I’m feeling 233% better, and I’ve cancelled all but one PT appointment. Just to be safe. A fun note is that the bulging of said disk is irritating the nerve that services my right arm, hence all the previous pain. The only really noticeable effect I still have is that when I turn my head far to the left, my right hand instantly falls asleep.
- Tarot class got cancelled halfway through. We were a little disappointed in that psychic. However, the class did further my determination to get a tarot tattoo. I was about to tell you which one and then changed my mind. Isn’t it like a curse to tell people about tattoos before you get them? Hmm.
- I’m going to stop capitalizing IAIDO: THE ART OF THE SWORD right about…. now. I’ll perhaps explain what it is a bit later, because I love it and cannot help but be obsessed. For now, I will tell you that I drive around with a wooden samurai sword in my car. Also, I got private lessons last night because Leland didn’t show. Sucker!
- I put my phone down on top of my car while I was playing garbageman at the house the other day. Shortly thereafter, my phone somehow ended up under the tires of many many cars on 66th Street. I went to rescue it because I was hoping to salvage the sim card. No such luck. If I don’t answer when you call, it’s most likely because I don’t recognize your number. Maybe email it to me? Thanks. I was going to hold out a month for my big yearly T-Mobile discount, but I missed the camera too much and caved. I spent a whopping $35 on the new Nokia with DIY faceplates and flashing dance party lights, just like my old Hello Kitty phone. YESSS.
- I AM GOING TO HAWAII FOR TEN DAYS. I finally sat down with my travel guide last night and went through a whole pack of those 3M page marker tabs. Holy shit, I’m freaking out. We’re going to Oahu and the big island and Maui. I intend to ride around on a motorscooter in Waikiki. I intend to see the sunrise from the top of a volcano. I intend to see fireworks over the ocean on the 4th of July. I intend to live on tropical fruit I buy at roadside stands. I intend to hike that two and a half miles to the treacherous green-sand beach just beyond the cinder cone at the southernmost point of the United States. Hang on, I think I’m hyperventilating.
- Man, there’s just like, other stuff. A tree fell on my car (again). I miss hockey, because baseball isn’t doing it for me. I’m self-conscious about my girly shoes. I’m selling my car. I’m going to Canada this weekend. My birthday’s in a couple weeks and I can’t decide if I want to skydive or take everybody to play go-karts. I need to take a video of the best souvenir ever, which Scotty got me in Montreal. They won another huge client at work, so I guess I’m set for a very very long time. Jenn is pregnant. I need a good Victor (translation: investment advisor). Hey Jocelyn, I think I’ll be in New York at the beginning of August. I’m taking Homie out to dinner tonight to thank her for hauling away that nasty-ass room-sized beanbag thing. We did the AIDSWalk. I just stuck my head inside my shirt because I’m paranoid that smell coming from my officemate is actually me (it’s not). And last, but definitely not least: my Seamonkeys are fucking like there’s no tomorrow. Five bucks gets you the video.
Jenni * One of you actually recommended that tactic. I’m not naming names, but you know who you are. Admit you were wrong.