On the Road Again

Dear Friends:

After some high-quality, gut-wrenching, intensive what-color-is-my-parachute-style brainstorming, I have made an important decision. If I do indeed lose my job (an event which it seems will likely occur sooner than later), I am going to become a trucker.

I have absolutely no training or experience, but those shortcomings are nothing compared to what I do have in excess: determination. I want to be a long-haul trucker like no one’s ever wanted it before. It’s not about the easy money, the loose women, or even the jerky treats and amphetamines. It’s about living free on the road.

Not to mention owning a vehicle that can run SUVs off the highway without a second thought, AND has a bed and minibar in the back. How could you go wrong?

I’m aware that most of you think that truckers are assholes, and I can’t really say that I argue. But that’s part of their charm, and it’s a tradition I plan to uphold. I’ll be driving my big rig, peering down into your girlfriend’s cleavage as you pass. I’m practicing my creepy leer and thumbs-up right this very second. In fact, I’m going to be the most foul-mouthed, bad-smelling, misogynistic bastard I can be; it’s just the right thing to do when you’re living the life.

But wait! I’ll also have a heart of gold. See, truckers have their own kind of chivalry. Did you ever notice how they signal to each other with their lights when they pass and merge? Or their friendly banter on the CB set, always watching out for each other? ‘Get your ears on, good neighbor, you got a smokey at your back door.’ I’ve got that part down. Man, I’m practically a pro already.

So, I’ve already taken the first steps towards my new career, and I think it’s going well. So far, this has consisted of reading the hazmat charts, low-clearance maps, and trailer-inspection information in my new truckers’ road atlas, accompanied by pointing out every weigh station and truck stop I see while Heather’s driving, noting, “You know, because I’m a trucker.”

She’s taking it well, I think. She’ll have to get used to me being on the road all the time, but I’m pretty sure she will. Something about the fabulous lifestyle it will afford her, as well as the admiration of her peers. It’s not everyone who gets to love a trucker.

All about the good ideas,

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