For Mature Audiences Only

To the DNR:

Friday morning, I was out walking around Lake Harriet. I heard splashing at the edge of the water, and assumed it was the ducks. I kept hearing it the whole way, but didn’t pay much attention, because I was too occupied with the mental list I was busy compiling, titled “Reasons I’m Walking Right Now Instead of Running, Other Than the Fact That I’m Lazy”:

  • Running people almost always look like they’re suffering. I’m not sure what I look like when I run (although Heather told me I hold my hands like a girl), but I’m pretty sure I also look like I’m suffering. It’s not attractive.
  • Walking burns as many calories as running by distance, it just takes longer. Which gives me more time to work on the tan I’m not supposed to be getting on this tattoo.
  • I’m about fifty times more likely to injure myself running than I am walking. And if you think I’m cranky now, you should see me when I’m injured.

Anyway, I got up to the harbor by the pavilion, and noticed that there were way more people fishing than usual. As I passed a couple of them, one said to the other, “There, are you happy with yourself now? You caught some seaweed.” I laughed. Then I noticed the fish. Tons of them. They were crowded along the edge of the lake, jumping and splashing. And they were big fish, too, the ones I see on your informational sign I walk past and ignore every single day: muskies.

I kept walking, and kept hearing the splashing. But this time I was paying attention, so I managed to see the fish. Every few seconds, another big muskie would come leaping out of the water near the shore, twist on its side, and splash down just like a breaching whale. It was surreal. At first, I thought I was witnessing some horrific natural tragedy, in which something had driven them mad, causing them to beach themselves on the shores of Lake Harriet. I imagined the resulting dead-fish smell, and considered maybe sticking to Lake Calhoun for the next couple of weeks. But then I realized what was going on. In the words of one of the runners who had stopped to gawk: Dude, those fish are so totally screwing.

I figured I would write to let you know about what was going on in your lakes: fish porn. Shouldn’t you put up a sign warning parents or something?

Thanks for your attention.

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