Notes from the Mall, Volume 2.
1. Today was another one of those days when I decided that walking at the Mall was a good idea. I get that in my head every three months or so, and today’s decision was spurred on by the fact that it was 40 degrees this morning, so I couldn’t go to the lake*. *Yes, I’m aware it’s only going to get colder. Shut up. I’m in denial. I got there about 10 minutes before the stores opened, which is kind of cool to see. I like watching all the 19-year-old worker bees dragging their unenthused asses into Hot Topic and 5-7-9 as I blaze past them at lightning speed, because the great thing about the mall in the morning is that it is virtually tourist-free. And, to the mall’s credit, I have to say that there are a few advantages to walking there. It’s warm, even when the outside isn’t, which is like half the year here in Minnesota. It’s light there much later than it’s light outside. I hate that I have to get myself over to the lake by 7pm nowadays or I’ll get stuck out in the dark, and end up as prey to serial killers and rapists (they take the trolley over from Lake Calhoun at 7:30). Also, it goes really, really fast, because you can get around one floor in maybe 7 minutes. Of course, you have to do all three floors twice apiece if you want to get in your three miles, and that can get tedious. Also, you risk spending money every time you pass the Hello Kitty store. Danger! 2. Mall People: – There was some kids’ event going on near Sears today, and therefore I had to dodge a man dressed in a giant blue shark suit not once but twice. – There are at least four or five of those little huts (cabanas? kiosks? Actually, the mall calls them carts, and the places they tend to accumulate are referred to as the cart markets) selling designer knock-off perfume and hand lotion, with the people who chase you down and try to squirt their goo all over you, um, and also, I hate them. So the way you earn points in this game is to get past them without being accosted in any way. One word, and you lose. I think I may have perfected my technique, which is to assume an attitude of vast impatience and irritation. My cockiness may someday be my downfall, however, as I like to lead them on by making eye contact and passing very close, then blowing past at the last second. – Abercrombie-manager-boy ran to catch up with me this morning, just to tell me how much he hated walking. I told him maybe flip-flops weren’t the best walking shoes. He said he wanted one of those human transporter things as he ran for his store. Across the vast expanse of the mall, I yelled, “Segway! They’re coming!”** **I know this, as the Segway man at the state fair told me so. 3. The only new store I noticed this time around is the chopper store. Like motorcycles. 4. That IKEA next door to the mall is going to be fucking huge. Its giant ribcage is butting right up against the freeway. Hold me back. Over and out.Jenni