Dear Coffee Perv:
Silas pointed you out the other night as the guy who always comes in and looks at porn in the coffeeshop. At first, I thought he meant that you brought a laptop and sat at a table, taking advantage of the free wireless connection. But no, you actually sit at one of the two computers that they provide, and do your dirty business there. I was lounging in the armchair tonight, finishing Empire Falls, then wishing I had never begun it. You came in and took your usual spot at one of the terminals. After half an hour, I was dying to see what you were so intent on, right there in the middle of everything. I walked past to go to the bathroom, and sure enough, there was a naked chick on the monitor. On the way back to my chair, there was another one. You weren’t even trying to hide what you were doing. I stopped short of the chair, turned around, and went back and stood behind you for several seconds, watching you flip through a few pages of photos. Then I came up behind you, leaned over, and said, “Dude, that’s kind of not appropriate for the coffeeshop.” You seemed startled, and grunted, “Uh, OK.” Mind you, I have absolutely nothing against porn, I just don’t think it’s the right thing to be enjoying in full view of whomever might wander into Dunn Brothers: say, kids, or easily-offended Edina ladies, or the pope. Know what I mean? So I went back to my chair, satisfied that a polite suggestion from a fellow citizen would be sufficient to set you straight. You sat there for another hour, and I figured you had moved onto CNN or The Onion. But when I went up to the counter to talk before I left for the night, there were the naked chicks again. I decided not to say anything a second time. Anybody who keeps looking at porn even after they’ve been caught doing it has got some serious issues, and I’m not going to be bringing myself to their attention again. I can’t wait to watch the staff kick your creepy ass next time you’re there, though. I’ll be waiting. Jenni