Dear Jay:
So you pre-announced yourself as the winner of the worst mixtape ever contest, tried to start a feud over my inclusion of “Don’t Stop Believin'” on my sample playlist, and then hightailed it out of town, claiming you’re going to ride 100 miles in the Arizona desert, even though we all know the real story: you’ve withdrawn to a safehouse somewhere in a remote mountain town, because you fear my wrath. As well you should. “Don’t Stop Believin'” might be the best song ever (it’s not), but the point is that you can put a bunch of good songs on a mix and still come up with the worst possible combination. You have to admit that it would be really bad following that song from the Muppet Show, which rocks way harder than anything Steve Perry ever dreamed of. Not that that was my real playlist anyway, because I cannot possibly submit an entry that doesn’t feature at least one track by John Denver. It just can’t happen. I think maybe you’re just worried that your winning streak might be over. I mean, yeah, I ended up on the floor in that arm-rasslin’ match, but that was back in my weaker days. I’ve been working. This month, I’ve already lifted the equivalent of 22 VW Beetles, more than one a day. I can take you and your Jetta, boy. And, yeah, you might have won at minigolf, and also skeet-shooting, by a mere point (luck!). Still, Ray liked me better. And that’s what really counts. It’s time for that steel-cage-battle-to-the-death you keep promising. Bring it. I’m ready. Jenni P.S. And what’s this crap about bribing the judges? I’m no Olympic Committee. I play by the rules.