Notes from the Mall, Volume 3.
Heather and I went to the mall yesterday. More importantly, we made it out alive. Wait, there’s more! 1. We walked into the middle of a national cheerleading competition in the rotunda. This was really a great scene, although not quite as great as the breakdancing showdown we saw several months ago. Imagine finding yourself adrift in a sea of teenage girls in tiny, primary-colored uniforms. Now imagine a Titanic full of cheerleader-parents plowing into a giant iceberg and sinking in that sea. You get the idea. Something I never noticed about cheerleaders is that they have the largest thighs I’ve ever seen in my life. I mean, disproportionately monstrous. The tiny skirts don’t help, nor do the orangey-tan nylons. They scream, “These thighs could crush a man, and not even in a good way.” All the dirty old men malingering around the mall didn’t seem to mind that technicality, however. Also, I saw chubby cheerleaders. Who knew? 2. There is now a peanut butter store. It’s called P.B. Loco, The Peanutbutter Experience. I have nothing more to say about that. 3. The IKEA is so large it blocks the sun. All the plants in my garden are going to die, but that’s fine. It’s worth it to have cheap Scandinavian housewares within spitting distance from my home*. *I know this, because I’ve tried. Jenni