Local Girl, 31, Seeks Quiet, Normalcy.
MINNEAPOLIS, MN — A Richfield woman who wished to remain anonymous held a press conference today to express her desire that everyone back the fuck off already. She cited reasons as wide-ranging as her vehicle, her cats, her ex-girlfriend, the upcoming election, the real estate market, her ex-boyfriend, the national debt, the internet, her neighbors, her hair, her friends, her work, and her hormones. She told of the extended, painful dissolution of a ten-year relationship, and the resultant fallout. She discussed the process of dividing up possessions and finances, the arguments and frustration, and the need to move on with their lives. She talked about the subsequent relationship that began shortly thereafter, which she said “burned with the intensity and volatility of a Molotov cocktail. When we tossed it through a car window a month ago, that fucker went UP.” It took the cooperative efforts of fire departments from four counties to put out the blaze. Crowds of onlookers, some coming from as far away as Canada, served only to hamper rescue attempts. After hearing her story, several witnesses reported that they were expecting her to conclude with the statement, “But then I woke up, and it was all a dream!” Sadly, no contrite sitcom ending was forthcoming. Suspects in the car-bombing have not been apprehended.