this is what happens when i don’t post for a week.

Dear Occupant:

I keep hearing that not-blogging is the new black, but who’s going to remember all this for me if I don’t put it here? I’m no kinda trendsetter anyway.

I took time off for a bit because I got the willies over someone devoting far too much attention to every keystroke I made on this here internet, down to such fascinating details as whose underwear I should happen to be wearing on any given day. (Today it’s my own, thank you.)

So I stopped, figuring the creepy behavior would stop as well. But just then! I got an email with the lyrics to a song this person had written about me. Here I was considering the writer talentless and derivative, but clearly I was wrong! This song reveals such grammatical skill and extreme selflessness as to be a work of genius. I’d post the lyrics, but I don’t want to get my ass sued when Carson Daly starts talking about it every day. I’d be more than happy to email them to you, should you wish.

Here is a review of the events during my away-ness:

– I have developed a hardcore ice-skating fetish. I’ve only fallen down once. I’m really bad at it due to my messed-up balance, but I love it anyway. So now a typical phone conversation with me goes something like this:

The Depot Rink is awesome, despite playing the worst hits of the 80s. Seriously, it’s like the soundtrack to Ice Castles. Not that that wasn’t the best movie ever. It was.

– I took part in a bid on a DOD project. I hope this wouldn’t technically qualify me a defense contractor, although I hear there are huge tax writeoffs to be had when you’re a defense contractor.

– No one has ever been more excited by growing grass than I am, even if the cats have taken to grazing on it like the cattle they are.

– I got really, really crabby about work a lot last week. I have days where I feel like I’ve made a ton of headway towards a release, but most days I’m the emergency-response unit. I knew it was bad when I spent a night tossing and turning over the concept of changing from inner to left outer joins. I also had a dream about ‘union’ vs ‘union all’. If you do this for a living, you’d better be feeling my pain right now. I dream SQL.

– Speaking of pain, I managed to pull a muscle over my ribs at the gym yesterday. Like, 2″ below my chest on the right side. Fortunately, it only hurts when I move or breathe.

– I put my cattle on a diet. They’re not exactly thrilled about their superhealthy cat food, but they are getting thinner.

– I spent a few evenings with the family last week, because my seester had a spare organ removed, and I had to do my best to make her laugh really hard. Not because I’m cruel like that, but laughing and wincing is better than being miserable. She was doing well for a couple days despite hating the narcotics, but then got a high fever and returned to the hospital this morning. She’s home now and all is well.

When I go for a visit, my mom views feeding me as an intense personal challenge, as I’ve noted before. It’s funny because at this point she has more fake-meat products in her freezer than my local co-op, and I’m never ever at a loss for something to eat there. But this was a typical moment, as my mom burrowed through the pantry in search of ‘something that won’t kill you’:

– I took out the eyebrow ring. I kinda miss it, but it had a long history of growing out. I thought about getting a tiny little stud in my nose instead, but about 10 people told me it’s not me (apparently it’s a high-maintenance chick thing?), and there aren’t really any other facial piercings that are subtle. Therefore, my career in piercing may be over.

– If you’re looking for a neverending source of amusement, do like I do and pre-fill the subject lines of all your mailto: links on your various websites, like this. It helps to have a shitty memory, too. I’m always getting these emails titled, ‘here’s some incentive to update, loser’ and ‘i had that dream about you again’ and ‘i think i love you’. And I think, ‘HEY! WHAT THE– oh.’

Every single time.

– I bought me a new computer. This new machine is so powerful it can run the international space station and play Minesweeper at the very same time. In the 48 hours between now and when it’s scheduled to arrive, I will poll all the hardware-geeks I know about the possibility of a configuration in which I can watch dvds on the large flatscreen monitor out in the living room, even though the computer resides in the bedroom. There is a way, I know it.

Buddha, my laptop, has found himself a sexy new owner and must be prepared for this transition. Besides wiping the drive and reinstalling the OS, it means I have to clean the paint spatter off the wrist rest and the popcorn crumbs from inside the keyboard. There’s not much I can do about the fact that the A, S, and L keys are rubbed off; it does make typing ‘asshole’ a unique challenge.

– I went to a hockey game last night. Things I love about hockey: 1) the zamboni. Things I love about U of M sporting events: 1) hearing that guy yell, ‘C’mon, Gooophers!’ exactly like Wade Gustafson in Fargo. Things I love about live sports in general: 1) eating a pretzel, 2) figuring out the technicalities of the sport (for example, if the yellow towel is up, the ref has to delay the face-off until the broadcast returns from a commercial break), 3) a huge group of people getting really psyched about something, because it’s infectious. Also, my favorite hockey no-no is ‘too many men on the ice’. Haha. Awesome.

– It took me 2 full hours this afternoon to assemble my new bookshelves, which made me very crabby and sweaty, but now I am better. I’m finally totally unpacked, and everything has a place. Wanda hooked us up with her 33% discount at IKEA; I got these shelves, two rugs, two little wall shelves, and a pan for just under $100. Score!!

Yeah, maybe I should stop spending money now and do my taxes. I’m off to TurboTaxland!

Jenni