Dear Tuna,<\/p>\n
I’ve been meaning to tell you this for almost 15 years now. You’d think I would have let it go, but you’ve become sort of a paradigm of irritation for me.<\/p>\n
The thing is, I hate you. No, really. I never liked you, and I’m mystified as to how I managed to spend so much time with you. Perhaps it was latent masochism, or maybe I just enjoy a good sideshow. Probably both.<\/p>\n
I hate all the stupid things you did. You used to trap me in your room while you smoked cheap cigarettes, then empty a can of Lysol to cover up the smell. I probably have cancer, you bitch. I hate that you used to fuck your retarded neanderthal of a boyfriend on the floor next to me while I played Nintendo. I hate that you let him slap you around and then showed off the bruises like they were battle scars. And, you know, micro-minis shouldn’t even be made in your size. What were you thinking?<\/p>\n
I hate your family. While he is<\/em> a fascinating experiment in biomechanics, your dad is still just a fat man with his ass permanently grafted to La-Z-Boy. Your mom… where do I begin? Obviously, your life skills have sprung from this fertile source. The memory of her screechy voice yelling your name over the house intercom still wakes me at night. Unfortunately, I can’t comment on your half-brothers for fear of litigation, but for the sake of all that is good and pure, I hope all that shit isn’t really true.<\/p>\n Anyway, just thought I’d write to say hi.<\/p>\n Jenni<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Dear Tuna, I’ve been meaning to tell you this for almost 15 years now. You’d think I would have let it go, but you’ve become sort of a paradigm of irritation for me. The thing is, I hate you. No, really. I never liked you, and I’m mystified as to how I managed to spend …read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false,"jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false}}},"categories":[31],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-802","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-letters"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/po9qt-cW","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/queenofsubtle.com\/cm\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/802","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/queenofsubtle.com\/cm\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/queenofsubtle.com\/cm\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/queenofsubtle.com\/cm\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/queenofsubtle.com\/cm\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=802"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/queenofsubtle.com\/cm\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/802\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/queenofsubtle.com\/cm\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=802"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/queenofsubtle.com\/cm\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=802"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/queenofsubtle.com\/cm\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=802"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}