{"id":698,"date":"2003-10-24T23:00:00","date_gmt":"2003-10-25T06:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.chocolatemussolini.com\/cm\/default.asp?n=110"},"modified":"2003-10-24T23:00:00","modified_gmt":"2003-10-25T06:00:00","slug":"or-maybe-stella","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/queenofsubtle.com\/cm\/?p=698","title":{"rendered":"Or maybe Stella?"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Dear Edna:<\/p>\n<p \/>I&#8217;m sorry for hassling you and the rest of the old ladies working the sample stations at SuperTarget today. I just get such a kick out of seeing that look of myopic panic on your face when a customer talks to you instead of snatching a greasy treat and shoving it in her mouth while scurrying away, so as to prevent any reasonable expection of human interaction, or your offer of a coupon good for 50 cents off her purchase.<\/p>\n<p \/><a name=1><\/a>I mostly just wanted to get my trick-or-treat on with the rest of the kids on the store. And I only scored four pieces of crappy candy, which I added to the stash in the big metal bowl in my trunk. Heather decided I should put it there to save her from a momentary lapse of good health; me, I have the best candy willpower in the world, simply because if I eat it, it will kill me. Or at least make me wish I was dead, which is close enough<span class=small><sup><a href=#n1>1<\/a><\/sup><\/span>.<\/p>\n<p \/>Perhaps just stick to, &#8216;Would you like a mini pizza bagel? They&#8217;re on special this week!&#8221; and everything will be fine, just fine.<\/p>\n<p \/>Love,<br \/>Jenni<\/p>\n<p \/>\n<div class=small><a name=n1><\/a><sup><a href=#t1>1<\/a><\/sup>Not that I want to give you any ideas, but I think in the film version of my life, my sadistic kidnapper will be slowly killing me with sugar. I&#8217;m thinking maybe it should be Reese&#8217;s Pieces, as some kind of karmic movie payback for <i>E.T. the Extraterrestrial<\/i>. That creepy little fucker.<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Dear Edna: I&#8217;m sorry for hassling you and the rest of the old ladies working the sample stations at SuperTarget today. I just get such a kick out of seeing that look of myopic panic on your face when a customer talks to you instead of snatching a greasy treat and shoving it in her &#8230;<a class=\"post-readmore\" href=\"http:\/\/queenofsubtle.com\/cm\/?p=698\">read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false,"jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false}}},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-698","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/po9qt-bg","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/queenofsubtle.com\/cm\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/698","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/queenofsubtle.com\/cm\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/queenofsubtle.com\/cm\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/queenofsubtle.com\/cm\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/queenofsubtle.com\/cm\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=698"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/queenofsubtle.com\/cm\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/698\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/queenofsubtle.com\/cm\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=698"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/queenofsubtle.com\/cm\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=698"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/queenofsubtle.com\/cm\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=698"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}