{"id":697,"date":"2003-10-24T23:00:00","date_gmt":"2003-10-25T06:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.chocolatemussolini.com\/cm\/default.asp?n=111"},"modified":"2003-10-24T23:00:00","modified_gmt":"2003-10-25T06:00:00","slug":"the-best-shit-i-never-wrote","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/queenofsubtle.com\/cm\/?p=697","title":{"rendered":"The best shit I never wrote."},"content":{"rendered":"

My fellow Americans:<\/p>\n

If it weren’t for this work thing and the constant flurry of activity, I’d have time to write some of this stuff down. Since I don’t, I’ve made a list of the things I would write about if I had the opportunity. In fact, I’d make them into one giant post for your reading enjoyment. And, believe me, you’d enjoy the hell out of it.<\/p>\n

That’s because it would feature not one, not two, but all<\/i> of the following:<\/p>\n

The disappearing pet;
and<\/i>, the greatest un-death scene ever;
and<\/i>, gimme a deadline;
and<\/i>, Maplewoodbury: outer-surbanites and self-absorption + oversized vehicles + sense of entitlement = complete fucking assholes;
and<\/i>, enthusiastic jailbait;
and<\/i>, the obscenely swank grocery store;
and<\/i>, Yuri and the beer of the working class;
and<\/i>, Crazy Mary;
and<\/i>, the Tale of Two Volvos;
and<\/i>, Silas and uninhibited impusiveness and conscious bad-decision-making;
and<\/i>, my first woodshop project needs googly eyes;
and<\/i>, Daniel the attorney;
and<\/i>, statistics are my porn;
and<\/i>, the local redneck rock radio station rips off Heather’s website;
and<\/i>, daylight savings = +1 hour at the bar!;
and<\/i>, self-righteousness \/ guilty secrets \/ passing judgement;
and<\/i>, the clown under the stairs emerges;
and<\/i>, winter purge + new tenant + shelving turns me on;
and<\/i>, guilty pop music pleasures;
and<\/i>, finally, insurance!;
and<\/i>, worst mixtape ever contest;
and<\/i>, polka singalong;
and<\/i>, the perks of being a regular;
and<\/i>, Jocelyn and Alina (i.e. girls);
and<\/i>, qotw: ‘boys are dumb and deserve to be treated like sex objects’;
and<\/i>, in another lifetime (or two);
and<\/i>, spamatazoa;
and<\/i>, Kill Bill<\/i>‘s anime vis-a-vis Cowboy Bebop<\/i>;
and<\/i>, the new burlesque;
and<\/i>, personal trainer: the new fragrance from ralph lauren;
and<\/i>, the miracle of flaxseed oil;
and<\/i>, the miracle of spaghetti squash;
and<\/i>, the newly updated fears list;
and finally<\/i>, I never want to be too old to not be envious of kids at Halloween.<\/p>\n

Seriously, you’d be laughing your ass off right now.
Jenni<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

My fellow Americans: If it weren’t for this work thing and the constant flurry of activity, I’d have time to write some of this stuff down. Since I don’t, I’ve made a list of the things I would write about if I had the opportunity. In fact, I’d make them into one giant post for …read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false,"jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false}}},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-697","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/po9qt-bf","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/queenofsubtle.com\/cm\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/697","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/queenofsubtle.com\/cm\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/queenofsubtle.com\/cm\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/queenofsubtle.com\/cm\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/queenofsubtle.com\/cm\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=697"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/queenofsubtle.com\/cm\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/697\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/queenofsubtle.com\/cm\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=697"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/queenofsubtle.com\/cm\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=697"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/queenofsubtle.com\/cm\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=697"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}