{"id":646,"date":"2004-01-11T23:00:00","date_gmt":"2004-01-12T06:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.chocolatemussolini.com\/cm\/default.asp?n=162"},"modified":"2004-01-11T23:00:00","modified_gmt":"2004-01-12T06:00:00","slug":"mall-news-iii","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/queenofsubtle.com\/cm\/?p=646","title":{"rendered":"Mall News III"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Notes from the Mall, Volume 3.<\/p>\n<p \/>Heather and I went to the mall yesterday. More importantly, we made it out alive.<\/p>\n<p \/>Wait, there&#8217;s more!<\/p>\n<p \/>1. We walked into the middle of a national cheerleading competition in the rotunda. This was really a great scene, although not quite as great as the breakdancing showdown we saw several months ago. Imagine finding yourself adrift in a sea of teenage girls in tiny, primary-colored uniforms. Now imagine a Titanic full of cheerleader-parents plowing into a giant iceberg and sinking in that sea. You get the idea.<\/p>\n<p \/>Something I never noticed about cheerleaders is that they have the largest thighs I&#8217;ve ever seen in my life. I mean, disproportionately monstrous. The tiny skirts don&#8217;t help, nor do the orangey-tan nylons. They scream, &#8220;These thighs could crush a man, and not even in a good way.&#8221; All the dirty old men malingering around the mall didn&#8217;t seem to mind that technicality, however.<\/p>\n<p \/>Also, I saw chubby cheerleaders. Who knew?<\/p>\n<p \/>2. There is now a peanut butter store. It&#8217;s called P.B. Loco, The Peanutbutter Experience. I have nothing more to say about that.<\/p>\n<p \/>3. The IKEA is so large it blocks the sun. All the plants in my garden are going to die, but that&#8217;s fine. It&#8217;s worth it to have cheap Scandinavian housewares within spitting distance from my home*.<\/p>\n<p \/>*I know this, because I&#8217;ve tried.<\/p>\n<p \/>Jenni<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Notes from the Mall, Volume 3. Heather and I went to the mall yesterday. More importantly, we made it out alive. Wait, there&#8217;s more! 1. We walked into the middle of a national cheerleading competition in the rotunda. This was really a great scene, although not quite as great as the breakdancing showdown we saw &#8230;<a class=\"post-readmore\" href=\"http:\/\/queenofsubtle.com\/cm\/?p=646\">read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false,"jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false}}},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-646","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/po9qt-aq","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/queenofsubtle.com\/cm\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/646","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/queenofsubtle.com\/cm\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/queenofsubtle.com\/cm\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/queenofsubtle.com\/cm\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/queenofsubtle.com\/cm\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=646"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/queenofsubtle.com\/cm\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/646\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/queenofsubtle.com\/cm\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=646"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/queenofsubtle.com\/cm\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=646"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/queenofsubtle.com\/cm\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=646"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}