{"id":436,"date":"2005-03-26T23:00:00","date_gmt":"2005-03-27T06:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.chocolatemussolini.com\/cm\/default.asp?n=371"},"modified":"2005-03-26T23:00:00","modified_gmt":"2005-03-27T06:00:00","slug":"learn-to-swim","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/queenofsubtle.com\/cm\/?p=436","title":{"rendered":"learn to swim"},"content":{"rendered":"

Easter Tidings To You All On This Very Christian Holiday.<\/p>\n

OK, I know I promised you a Sea Monkey Update, and here it is:<\/p>\n

Tragedy has befallen us here in my little home!!<\/p>\n

This afternoon, I very carefully opened my vacuum-sealed pouch of embryonic Sea Monkey material and emptied its contents into the properly-prepared Sea Monkey Environment. Then I waited the proscribed amount of time, according to the Sea Monkey Bible (‘a few minutes’… I’d have preferred a more precise figure, but I estimated). After many spans of a few minutes, no Sea Monkeys were evident. I peered and peered, and nothing. I began to suspect foul play.<\/p>\n

This evening upon my return, I still found no living Sea Monkeys. I didn’t even find undead Sea Monkeys, although I admit I was somewhat afraid of the prospect of Sea Monkey Zombies. Since my Sea Monkeys come with a two-year guarantee, I intend to contact Transcience Corporation of Bryans Road, Maryland, and obtain the Amazing Live Pets I was promised.<\/p>\n

You will<\/i> be hearing more about this. Rest easy, my friends. Justice will be served.<\/p>\n

So! Today was a quiet holiday. I hear Jesus poked his head out did not see his shadow, so there will not be six more weeks of winter. The parents were out of town; I figured we should maintain some semblance of familyness anyway, so I went over and hung out with the local siblings. Stephanie and I watched the Gophers claiming their spot in the Frozen Four. See, I totally<\/i> sound like I know what I’m talking about. You’re impressed, I know it! And I admit some weird phenomenon has occurred… I was way into it. I was nervous. I yelled. I know the goaltenders’ names. I giggle and say Gooophers<\/i> in that Minnesota accent I swear I don’t really have.<\/p>\n

Scotty has sworn he will wear a U of M hockey tshirt if I get him one. When I told Stephanie this, she was so excited she wanted to go to the mall right that second to find it. She’s really the one with all the sports genes in the family; I’m just a tourist. No matter how hard she tries, she will not get me to like football. It’s unpossible.<\/p>\n

She refused to commit to the concept of dinner, so I wrapped up my knitting, ate a string cheese, and decided to come home because I was made uncomfortable by the number of times I saw that smirking presidential foo’ on TV. On the way, I was pondering the sad state of political affairs, and realized with some amusement that I most value the opinions of three leading authorities: Jon Stewart, Maynard James Keenan, and David Rees<\/a>. Put this odd trinity together, and you have the most important political genius of our time. Hell, I’d even dump Heston for them.<\/p>\n

Clearly, it’s time to sleep.
Jenni<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Easter Tidings To You All On This Very Christian Holiday. OK, I know I promised you a Sea Monkey Update, and here it is: Tragedy has befallen us here in my little home!! This afternoon, I very carefully opened my vacuum-sealed pouch of embryonic Sea Monkey material and emptied its contents into the properly-prepared Sea …read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false,"jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false}}},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-436","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/po9qt-72","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/queenofsubtle.com\/cm\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/436","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/queenofsubtle.com\/cm\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/queenofsubtle.com\/cm\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/queenofsubtle.com\/cm\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/queenofsubtle.com\/cm\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=436"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/queenofsubtle.com\/cm\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/436\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/queenofsubtle.com\/cm\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=436"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/queenofsubtle.com\/cm\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=436"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/queenofsubtle.com\/cm\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=436"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}