Dear Mall of America,
Thank you for being the place for fun in my life, as your very creative radio ads inform me a minimum of 8 times an hour.
Thank you for training your security guards in the ancient arts of Verbal Judo and Defensive Pepper Spray. Armed with these skills, they are an unrivaled tactical force.
Thank you for Al’s Farm Toys, The Hat Zone, Cereal Adventure, 911 Marketplace, and the South Dakota Vacation Store. I will patronize these fine establishments just as soon as I have a need for their services, or perhaps when I’m drunk.
Thank you for putting Krispy Kreme by the Bloomington Police mall branch office. Not only is it an ironic coup, it’s good for the economy.
Thank you for surviving 10 years without a major airline incident, unlikely as that seems, since you’re located at the end of a major runway. However, if that should occur someday, I would like to volunteer to be an extra in any of the several made-for-TV movies that will inevitably be made.